Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Engagement chicken

So we're sitting around at work the other day in a little bit of unnatural silence. Everyone's kind of pissy, and it's awkward, and if there's anything I can't stand it's unnatural, awkward, pissy silence. So of course I blurt out the first thing that comes into my head: "I'm making engagement chicken tomorrow."

You can practically feel the whoosh of the ears perking up. "What's engagement chicken?" one person asks.

Engagement chicken, I explain, is a recipe Glamour magazine prints every so often, and they SWEAR that if you make it for a guy he'll propose within two months. And no, I am not looking to get engaged any time soon, but I was looking for another recipe and found this one instead, and it's like four ingredients, two of which are salt and pepper, with about five minutes prep time, so why NOT make it, right?

"I've heard about this chicken," one guy says ominously. "Howard Stern's girlfriend made it for him, and he proposed right after. He kept saying on the show, it was the chicken. It was the effin' chicken. The chicken made me do it."

It's true, I say. If you Google it, you'll see a million testimonials about how foolproof it is.

It's amazing what this revelation does to the mood of the office. "So who are you making it for?" they ask, all a-twitter at the thought of a magical little love chicken.

No one, I insist. In fact, I'm adamant on this point. There will be no leftovers brought into the office, no invitations to pop-in visitors to pull up a chair and have a bite to eat. I am NOT playing with the fire of engagement chicken.

For the rest of the night, the questions roll in:

Coworker 1: "So if someone comes to your house and says, oh, I'm starving, I'm weak with starvation, I'm going to die, you're still not going to offer them any chicken?"
Me: "No! I'll hide the chicken and give them a bag of chips."

Coworker 2: "Are you scared if you eat engagement chicken by yourself, you’ll end up alone?"
Me: "No! What is WRONG with you?"

Coworker 1: "So, what? You're practicing? You're practicing, aren't you. I bet you'll be engaged by the end of the year."
Me: "Noooooo." (Pause.) "Although, I wonder if I THINK of someone while I eat it, it works the same way."
Coworker 1: "What, is Brad Pitt gonna show up at your door?"

Coworker 2, looking at me very seriously: "I don't want to get engaged."
Me: "I’m not ASKING you to get engaged."

* * * * * * * * * *

So I go to make the chicken and ... can I just say, ramming a foreign object (in this case, a lemon) up a chicken's rear end? Never a pleasant thing.

Update No. 1: Your friend Swishy cooks the chicken upside down, which, since I am a little neurotic about such things, basically ruins the whole experience. Hello, breakup chicken ... and honey popcorn, which I am now eating for dinner instead because I can't deal with the psychological implications of the whole thing.

Update No. 2: I'm starving, so I go into the kitchen and start picking at my little chickie. I may have judged too harshly. I mean, I'm not going to jump back into anything, but ... it's not too bad.

(And if Brad Pitt shows up at my door, I'll let you know.)

12 Comments:

At 1:05 AM, OpenID pinklea said...

My brother has a recipe for drunk chicken. I wonder if that means you get drunk when you eat it. If so, that could work for a lot of people ...

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Wow, are there really women who rely on this, for real? That's kind of sad.

It sounds like a pretty good recipe though! Roasted chicken, YUM!

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I always see this recipe in Glamour and always wanted to make it, but since I was already married, didn't think it was a wise decision....so I'll take your word for it.

and I hear that Brad is into being a MORMON, so we BOTH can have him! BIG LOVE!!! ;)

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Hahah, I have heard of engagement chicken but couldn't remember if it was on a sitcom or where! So was it good, or did you screw it up? And seriously, it's just salt, pepper and a lemon up its asshole? Hahah, sounds like lemon-asshole chicken to me! I am going to tell Twitter to read swishy's Lemon-asshole chicken story right now!

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Oh Swishy, you make me happy.
I can SEE you having that conversation with your colleagues. WHY haven't they given you your own TV show yet?

Here's to engagement chicken bringing you someone far better than Brad Pitt by the end of 2010. (You know, don't you, that now you have to make 101 upside down lemon butt chickens to serve at your wedding reception? Just saying...)

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

Do you need to tell us more about coworker 2?

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger more said...

你可以從外表的美來評論一朵花或一隻蝴蝶,但你不能這樣來評論一個人 ..................................................

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger NerdyRedneck Rob said...

I am quite confused? Why are cow-orkers asking you questions about chickens? I hope they are not going to start orking chickens next! :o

 
At 12:54 AM, Blogger shopgirl said...

hmmm... if I make engagement chicken for my gay best friend - do you think even HE would propose?? Seriously, I could use the benefits (and in this case,I mean dental,vision and medical) right now!

I'm always happy I stop by here - your stories always put a smile on my face!

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Crazed said...

Love. You.

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

I hope you know how much fun your co-workers are... you are blessed there.

Why does it not surprise me that a) Glamour publishes this and b) they publish it regularly ;)

 
At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Jody said...

Serving this every day for a week, and expecting results ;)

 

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