Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, January 11, 2010

And this is why we eavesdrop

I'm sitting at the coffee shop. I just got here, and there are two guys sitting a few tables away. One is facing me. He’s in his early 20s. He’s wearing a black concert T-shirt (regrettably, I can’t tell which concert) and a necklace with a little white pointy thing hanging down that somewhat resembles a fang. His friend appears to be a nice person, but is clearly the “dork” in this friendship while the necklace-wearer is the “cool” one.

His plan in life, we quickly learn, is to teach a college course on human sexuality.

Those are my words. His words: “I’m TOTALLY gonna use this class to pick up girls. I’m gonna be, like, awesome. I’m gonna be the coolest teacher in the school. I’m gonna be fit, I’m gonna be trim, sleeves rolled up, looking good ... oh, yeah. It’s going to be awesome.”

At this point, I have pretty much dropped everything, including my jaw, as I listen to this guy. I’m not even PRETENDING not to be listening to him. I am full-on staring, full-on you've-to-be-kidding-me cracking up, and naturally, he is oblivious.

“I don’t think a lot of guys will take the class. I think it’ll mostly be targeted to girls. I mean, I’ll tell the guys—look, this class is going to be intense, so if you can’t handle it ...”

His friend nods.

“Or, you know, don’t tell your parents if they’re going to freak out, because, you know, I don’t need that shit in my life.”

He takes a sip of his drink.

“But I can’t call it, you know, SEX. I’d have to call it something else. Like Everything You Want to Know But are Afraid to Ask. “


“Or like ... systematic excellent xylophone. Get it? S-E-X. Or ... wait! Systematic excellence! S, and EX!”

Sounds like a winner! And the subject matter?

“It’s not going to be overly vulgar, but I AM gonna be like, ‘You know, when you’re going down on a guy ...’ "

A meaningful pause follows (presumably, he’ll turn to Google or Wikipedia to research the end of that sentence by the time the first class rolls around). So, Mr. Sex-pert, what else can you tell us about yourself?

“I was in this class once where the teacher started talking about the objectification of women in the media. I was like, whatever, that’s BS. (Pause.) My sister often jokes that I come off as a misogynist."

(NO. WAY.)

And now he’s talking about shaving his chest. I am seriously not making any of this up.


At 2:14 PM, Blogger Andie said...

sadly, i know guys like that.

and he's going to wonder for the rest of his life why he'll be single for eternity.

At 2:50 PM, Blogger MJ said...


and sad, all at the same time.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Karen said...

I like that you included a photo, just in case you failed to paint the picture (you painted it perfectly btw).

Maybe these guys can become your new CIA agent stand-ins.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Bina said...

I am SO glad you found a coffee shop! It makes for amazing stories.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger flea said...

hee! love the pic, you should totally become a spy

At 4:54 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Fiona on "Burn Notice" doesn't have anything on YOu girl!!!! you are a spy!!! LOVES IT!!!!!

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

Wow, I'd take that class. Not!

My husband took a Human Sexuality class in college. It was taught by a blind man. The teacher was one of the best and most interesting that he's ever had.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

Wow, I'd take that class. Not!

My husband took a Human Sexuality class in college. It was taught by a blind man. The teacher was one of the best and most interesting that he's ever had.

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Ahhh, this just reinforces why I don't like people. Although I would have HAPPILY been right there with you eavesdroppin and cracking up!

At 9:35 PM, Blogger Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

That is just so wrong, on so many levels. And so damn hilarious too! :-)

At 1:43 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

I love that you took a picture. I love that your computer has nothing on it. You were majorly eavesdropping. HA!

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Mandy said...

Sometimes the best conversations I've overheard have been in the coffee shop.

At 12:37 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

This is why YOU eavesdrop. And this is why I love you. Because that? Was three shades of RAD.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I took that class in college. Only shaved chest dude had aged by 40 years and become a Buddhist/open marriage activist. So gross.

If you see fang boy again, tell him the course title "Friendship & Love" will work at at least one liberal arts college...

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Melek said...

wow. you run into the BEST situations.... how come i only ever hear ppl on the phone yelling at their spouse or talking about how important they are. maybe i need to start taking notes. good stuff, swishy!

At 1:30 PM, Blogger SoapyChica said...

Hilarious! and the pic is the icing on the cake :)


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