So I'm going on a little vacay to Mexico tomorrow, where I hopefully will get very tan and well-rested and NOT catch swine flu. I hadn't told my parents I was going out of town, probably because in my head I am still 12 and feel like I need permission to spend the night at Stacey Klein's house, let alone go out of the country by myself. But then I had visions of being abducted or my house burning down or some big family drama breaking out the one weekend I don't have my cell phone glued to my hip, and decided I probably should give my mom a heads up that I wouldn't be around JUST IN CASE.
Me: OK, so I'm going out of town for a couple of days, just so you know.
Me: Not telling.
Her: WHY NOT?
Me: Because. You'd freak out.
Her (indignant): I would not FREAK OUT. I get it, you're an adult. I GET IT. (Pause.) Does this have something to do with a boy? Is that why you won't tell me?
Me: NO! I'm not telling you because you'd freak out.
Her: You give me no credit. (Thinks for a second.) Alabama?
Me: Mom. Why would I go to Alabama?
Her: Well, you SAID I would freak out.
(It's possible my mother has some unresolved issues with the South.)
(Much, much later.)
Me: FINE. I'll give you a hint. (I snort like a pig.)
Her: I KNEW it was Alabama!
Her: Pigs ... bacon ... ham ... OH! Swine flu! Mexico! (Pause.) I thought you said I'd freak out. We've got more swine flu in the New York area than they do in the whole COUNTRY of Mexico right now.
Me: I know, I know.
Her: I thought you were going to tell me somewhere where you were going to be sold into white slavery or something. You're so ... paranoid.
Me: I KNOW I'm paranoid. I'm the most paranoid person I know.
But here's the thing: Can you REALLY be considered paranoid (I prefer neurotic, but whatever) if your whole life is practically a string of Exhibits A, B and C of why said paranoia is COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED? I mean, of course I'm going to miss my flight or lose my passport or have my top fall off in the ocean in front of a pack of impressionable 10-year-old boys. OF COURSE I AM.
And, naturally, I will tell you all about it in a few days. Have a good weekend, everyone!