Scenes from the office
Out of the blue, someone brings up our 5-7, 130-pound coworker.
Coworker 1: We should have a tossing contest with Bob.
Coworker 2 thinks about this. "Would you throw him by his hands or his feet?"
Coworker 1: Feet. Definitely. You could go in circles a few times first. You know, build some momentum.
Coworker 2: Or you could throw him like a javelin.
Me: We should have a department summer Olympics.
Coworker 1, his eyes lighting up: AND BOB COULD BE THE BALL IN EVERY EVENT!!! (Pause.) Sucks for him if we play kickball.
Coworker A: So Swish. I have a question for you.
Coworker A: It's a pop culture question.
Me: OK, what.
Coworker A: If you had to take a bullet for either Brad or Angelina, and the other one was going to die, who would you choose?
(I love that I don't question why he's asking or pretend I am above this kind of thing. No, I give him an immediate answer.)
Coworker A: Why Angelina?
Me, being noble: Because the children need their mother.
Coworker A: OK, but then you couldn't marry Brad.
Me: WAIT! I can marry Brad? I can be Shiloh's stepmom? I LOVE Shiloh!
Coworker A: No. Actually, you would die from the gunshot wound.
Me: What? WHAT? I have to DIE? I thought I was going to be a hero! No one takes the bullet out of my leg and nurses me back to health? Why did you say I could marry Brad, then? HUH?
Me: You totally suck.
Coworker 1 sketches a diagram of the Ivory Coast. Nobody can remember WHY he's doing this, possibly because everyone is hung up on the fact that his picture looks exactly like a part of the male anatomy.
Him: WHAT? That's what it looks like! You guys are perverts. I mean, seriously. Perverts. (He takes back the paper and starts writing again.) And right next to it--
Coworker 2: If you draw one more country, I'm calling HR.
Coworker 1, getting ready to eat: I forgot a straw. Are there any straws over there?
Me: OH, MY GOSH! So in the latest issue of the InStyle, there is THE cutest idea ever. Wait, I'm not sure if it was InStyle, maybe it was Glamour or something instead. No, I'm pretty sure it was InStyle. The color issue with Salma Hayek. Anyway, so they had this thing in there that you could do with straws. You take a glass vase or jar or whatever and you fill it with multicolored straws and put it on your kitchen counter, you know, for a little pop of color. It is SO cute, especially for summer, and I mean, then you have straws there all the time to drink with fun summer drinks. FUN, huh? And totally cheap. I am totally doing it.
(More blank stares.)
Coworker 2 to the room at large: Does anyone know where that came from?
I mention that I have to go to the grocery store after work.
Coworker A: I hate going to the grocery store.
Coworker B: Why?
Coworker A: That place is horrible. People, like, wear their pajamas there. When I first moved here, I was like, holy hell. I was looking for the gun section to kill myself. Where I come from, people get dressed to go to the damn supermarket. (Pause.) And the florescent lighting is even worse.
Later, during a staff meeting, one of my coworkers passes me a note.
"Can you get me some things at the store.
- 6 cases of Poland spring water
(24 pack of 1/2 liter bottles)
- 2 15-20 lb frozen turkeys
- 24 packages of Sudafed
Yes, it is pretty much this random all the time.