Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scenes from the office

Out of the blue, someone brings up our 5-7, 130-pound coworker.

Coworker 1: We should have a tossing contest with Bob.
Coworker 2 thinks about this. "Would you throw him by his hands or his feet?"
Coworker 1: Feet. Definitely. You could go in circles a few times first. You know, build some momentum.
Coworker 2: Or you could throw him like a javelin.
Me: We should have a department summer Olympics.
Coworker 1, his eyes lighting up: AND BOB COULD BE THE BALL IN EVERY EVENT!!! (Pause.) Sucks for him if we play kickball.

**********

Coworker A: So Swish. I have a question for you.
Me: What?
Coworker A: It's a pop culture question.
Me: OK, what.
Coworker A: If you had to take a bullet for either Brad or Angelina, and the other one was going to die, who would you choose?
Me: Angelina.
(I love that I don't question why he's asking or pretend I am above this kind of thing. No, I give him an immediate answer.)
Coworker A: Why Angelina?
Me, being noble: Because the children need their mother.
Coworker A: OK, but then you couldn't marry Brad.
Me: WAIT! I can marry Brad? I can be Shiloh's stepmom? I LOVE Shiloh!
Coworker A: No. Actually, you would die from the gunshot wound.
Me: What? WHAT? I have to DIE? I thought I was going to be a hero! No one takes the bullet out of my leg and nurses me back to health? Why did you say I could marry Brad, then? HUH?
He shrugs.
Me: You totally suck.

***********

Coworker 1 sketches a diagram of the Ivory Coast. Nobody can remember WHY he's doing this, possibly because everyone is hung up on the fact that his picture looks exactly like a part of the male anatomy.

Him: WHAT? That's what it looks like! You guys are perverts. I mean, seriously. Perverts. (He takes back the paper and starts writing again.) And right next to it--
Coworker 2: If you draw one more country, I'm calling HR.

***********

Coworker 1, getting ready to eat: I forgot a straw. Are there any straws over there?

Me: OH, MY GOSH! So in the latest issue of the InStyle, there is THE cutest idea ever. Wait, I'm not sure if it was InStyle, maybe it was Glamour or something instead. No, I'm pretty sure it was InStyle. The color issue with Salma Hayek. Anyway, so they had this thing in there that you could do with straws. You take a glass vase or jar or whatever and you fill it with multicolored straws and put it on your kitchen counter, you know, for a little pop of color. It is SO cute, especially for summer, and I mean, then you have straws there all the time to drink with fun summer drinks. FUN, huh? And totally cheap. I am totally doing it.

(Blank stares.)
(Silence.)
(More blank stares.)

Coworker 2 to the room at large: Does anyone know where that came from?

**********

I mention that I have to go to the grocery store after work.

Coworker A: I hate going to the grocery store.
Coworker B: Why?
Coworker A: That place is horrible. People, like, wear their pajamas there. When I first moved here, I was like, holy hell. I was looking for the gun section to kill myself. Where I come from, people get dressed to go to the damn supermarket. (Pause.) And the florescent lighting is even worse.

Later, during a staff meeting, one of my coworkers passes me a note.

"Can you get me some things at the store.
- 6 cases of Poland spring water
(24 pack of 1/2 liter bottles)
- 2 15-20 lb frozen turkeys
- 24 packages of Sudafed
Thanks"

Yes, it is pretty much this random all the time.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life comes back

I was at the bookstore today, looking at the cards, when I saw this one:



I don't feel like I've been massively depressed over the past six months or anything, but I DO feel like I've been in a little bit of a fog that I'm just now starting to shake off. I was standing in my bedroom today and I thought about the day I moved in, and I was like, wait ... Christmas has happened since then? January? February? Almost the whole month of March? Where was I when all that happened? I've done well at work and been present and all of that, but the rest of it is a little bit of a haze. I liked this card because it's like, no matter how crazy or sad or uncertain or challenging something is, life always comes back eventually and helps us feel normal and hopeful again.

I moved halfway across the country by myself once before--well, twice, I guess, if you count college--and this one has been easier in some ways and a little bit harder in other ways. Overall, I think it has gone OK, and the even better news is that I am starting to feel life coming back, like myself again. It's not all at once--I sometimes feel like I'm standing on one of those half-exercise balls, getting on, wobbling, falling off, getting back up, wobbling around some more--but I am getting there.

Some updates:

- My apartment. It's almost the way I want it. I wanted to scale back a little and not have things laying around that I never use, so I moved a bunch of stuff down to the basement storage (you know I can't TOTALLY get rid of it!). My favorite is the little dining area--I call it my nook. My friend teases me about it, he says there is nothing nook-like about it, it's just a regular dining area, but to me, it's my nook, and I adore it. It's the one place where I can sit and see the rest of the apartment, and I sit at the table by the window and listen to my music and work.

- My neighborhood. It is adorable, even more so when it is not buried under a foot of snow (funny how that works, huh?). I love the buildings and all the trees and the cute little shops. One of the guys at work told me about this pizza place right by me that is PHENOMENAL, so freaking good. Too good, probably, a thought that occurred to me as I sat there eating a slice or three in front of The Biggest Loser of all shows. (By the way, speaking of Biggest Loser, OH, MY GOSH, that Mike, he is cuter and sweeter than a whole basket full of puppies and babies. I LOVE that kid.)

- Coffee shop situation. I still miss my old place something crazy. I've been back to the birthday place once since then, and it was good, but I'm not totally, totally positive about it yet. I will probably go back sometime this week ... cross your fingers!

- Work. My schedule has been insane, which has not really helped in the adjustment department, but everyone has been SUPER nice, which HAS helped. I've fit in and gotten comfortable a lot faster than I expected, which has been a nice bonus. (I even pitched my first big fit a couple of weeks ago ... I really AM getting settled in! HA.)

- Working out. I have been horrible about working out and, consequently, my back feels like it belongs to a 90-year-old, so this week I am determined to be better. I've gone to the gym the last two days, which pretty much sets a 2009 record, sooo ... so far, so good.

- The boys. They are ridiculous. But that is a whole nother blog post.

- Book club. I've gone twice to the one book club. There are about a dozen girls in it, all around my age, all very nice. I'm not really sure how to be friends with any of them outside of the group, but for now it's nice to go out to dinner with a bunch of girls once a month and talk about a book and, oh yeah, Brad and Angelina and the crazy spinning instructor they know who has bedded half the women in his class and other fun things like that. There is another book club, but I sort of think it might fizzle out--everyone is just way, way (did I mention WAY?) too different. Awkwardly so.

- Completely off topic and unrelated to anything: I bought the cutest green trench coat today. I think we are in love.

That's about it for me! What's new with you?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Two quick things

Hey. I know I haven't posted in forever, and I know you've heard this a million times since I moved, but I'm FINALLY starting to feel settled (I think daylight savings is helping in that department ... hello sunshine!) so I promise I will be back to sort-of normal in the posting department very soon. In the meantime, two quick things that couldn't possibly be more unrelated if I tried:

Frivolous thing: It's March Madness time again! Which means it's time to enter Swishy's Bracket Challenge! I know it's late-ish notice, but get your picks in by Thursday morning and you just might win yourself a $10 Amazon.com gift certificate. We're doing it on Yahoo again this year--go here and enter the group number (173053) and password (swishy) to join. Email me if you have any questions or problems logging in.

Serious thing: Golightly and I have read each other's blogs for ... gosh, at least a couple of years now. She is smart and sassy and funny, and I just adore her. She got into a very serious car accident with her fiance over the weekend and isn't doing too great, and I just want to ask all of you to keep her in your thoughts. I'm very worried about her, but she's a fighter and I'm hopeful that with lots of prayers and good doctors looking after her, she'll be back to her fun, vibrant self in no time.

I am so grateful for all of you. You are such good and wonderful people, and I am so happy to be a tiny part of your lives. I hope wherever you are today, whatever you're doing, that you're happy and around people who love you and appreciate who you are. Thank you so much for all that you do for me. You're all awesome, and I hope you're having an awesome day.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Birthday girl

That would be me, for just a tiny bit longer :)

I was stressing out a little bit about this birthday, not because I'm getting older or anything, but because I love birthdays and this one was kind of a big one and I'm in a new city away from most of my friends and it seemed like every time I tried to make plans, they fell through. I didn't really care what I did, I just wanted to have a good day. The past year has been so crazy and hard that I felt like if I had a good day, it would sort of symbolize more good days ahead, get things off on the right foot for the next year or something. I know that's sort of silly and neurotic and a lot of pressure to put on one day, but that's how I felt.

Would you believe it, I got one. More than one, even!

I spent the weekend in New York City and had a great time. I grew up not too, too far from the city, so I hate looking like a tourist when I'm there. But this time, I was like, screw it, I'm going to act like a tourist (much to the mortification of my brother) and it was SO fun. I walked around Times Square, ate Magnolia cupcakes and yes, oh, yes, I even went to the top of the Empire State Building, something I'd always wanted to do but had never done. You guys, I was so giddy about that, it was ridiculous. I LOVE Sleepless in Seattle. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. And, of course, you know me, once I got up there I started running around offering to take people's pictures and asking the security guys how many times they'd seen it and if they loved the movie as much as I did (I did mention how mortified my brother was, right?).



(Pretty! I know it's cheesy, but if someone proposed to me at midnight at the top of the Empire State Building, I would probably say yes just on principle.)

Today was my actual birthday, and everyone was just so nice to me. As you (and everyone else on the planet) all know, I have absolutely hated not having a coffee shop here. So the guys at work got together and decided to take me to lunch at this very cute place near where I live, a place I'd gone past but was a little intimidated by (it's a coffee shop, but it has waiters ... so CONFUSING!). It was great, and I don't want to get too carried away, buuuuut ... I think I might have a new coffee shop! I came home to a bunch of fantastic, thoughtful presents in the mail, including a brand-new friendship muse from my Manic, and tonight, another guy from work made me dinner and even sat through Dancing with the Stars with me. Not to mention, every time I went online, there were like five new happy birthday messages (thank you, Facebook!) and the phone was going like crazy all day.

My old friends didn't forget me and my new friends were so sweet to me even though they've only known me a couple months. It was a very, very good birthday. And, fingers crossed, the next year will be very, very good, too.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Calling all haters

OK, I do not consider a spoiler alert to be necessary here because I swear every website on the planet is buzzing about this right now, but OH, MY GOSH, THE BACHELOR!!! I knew every last detail of what was supposed to happen on that finale because I couldn't resist (read: was obsessed with) the spoilers and I STILL was like, holy crap, I hope Melissa slams her stiletto squarely in his groin right now for doing that to her on national TV.

One of my very favorite things in the world to do is read Television Without Pity when something like this happens. Hell hath no fury like women who see another woman scorned on television and then go on message boards to comment on it:

"This guy is a sociopath."
"Jason now has the well-deserved title as "Worst Bachelor"/World's Biggest Asshole."
"He shouldn't be allowed to raise geraniums, let alone a child, after what he put that poor girl Melissa through."
"Jason, you are an emotional juvenile who has no business proposing to anybody until you grow up."
"He is a tiny little weak-willed man who cannot possibly risk being overshadowed by the woman he is with."
"It won't be long before Jason is found in an empty bathtub, curled up in the fetal position, crying. This guy has problems."

I have been laughing all day, and I do mean all day. Someone called him the most hated man on TV, and I remembered this post I read on EW.com a few months ago: TV Characters You Irrationally Hate (which quickly expanded to "TV characters you RATIONALLY hate"). So, in honor of the Fakest Nice Guy in Bachelor history, a few TV characters I could never stand:

Phoebe, Friends. I never got the point. How long was that show on, like 10 years? I don't think I ever ONCE laughed at something she said.

Andie, Dawson's Creek. Ughhh, she drove me crazy. She was such a little snotty know-it-all and I did NOT get what Pacey ever saw in her. She also wore the most ridiculous makeup. There is this great scene, this PHENOMENAL scene, where Pacey and Joey are dancing and he fingers this bracelet she's wearing, and he remembers all about where she got it, and she's like how do you remember that, and he leans into her hair and whispers, "I remember everything." And the whole thing is almost ruined by the camera panning over to dumb Andie with her dumb makeup--there are literally wide, white circles around her eyes. She looks like a little kid who did her "makeup" with sidewalk chalk. I was like, ugh, Andie, you are SO DONE.

Rita, Dexter. It's the voice. I cannot STAND her voice, all breathy and whiny and "I'm a victim"-y. Like, ALL RIGHT. You're a delicate flower who's been wounded by your own horrific taste in men. PLEASE STOP TALKING LIKE A 6-YEAR-OLD NOW.

Basically any recurring guest star on Grey's Anatomy. Ava and Denny, I'm looking at you. I couldn't even look at Ava and Denny made my skin crawl every time he came on screen. Shonda Rhimes had a complete, massive 12-year-old middle-school crush on him, and I was like, what planet does she live on? Planet Lech and Leer? He COMPLETELY skeeves me out. (I'm not even counting this season of dead ghost sex with Izzy. I have all the episodes on the DVR but I haven't mustered up the will to watch them yet.)

Lynne, The Real Housewives of Orange County. Total doormat and blander than a saltine cracker. I do feel bad for her when the other girls make fun of her, though, because she's so clueless.

Audrina, The Hills. Speaking of clueless. The very first time I saw her, I was like, holy crap, there is NOTHING THERE. Literally, you look at her eyes, and it's like trying to stare at the bottom of a dark well. There's NOTHING. Every time she talks, all I hear is: "Blah blah, Justin Bobby, blah blah, like, blah blah, totally, blah blah, Lo's mean, blah blah, I can't decide what dress to wear." I totally have to fast-forward every time I see her.

What about you? Which TV characters/personalities do you love to hate?