Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things I would miss if I ever worked at home

Coworker A, on Tom Brady: They should just freeze his seed and put him out of his misery.

**********

Coworker A on Mona from Who's the Boss: She and Blanche are the biggest whores in '80s TV. '90s TV is so much better. Valerie Malone? SMOKING HOT. Steve Sanders wasn't too bad, either. (Pause.) They're no Andrea Zuckerman. Oh, my gosh, she was like 50 trying to play a 19-year-old.

**********

Me: So speaking of cougars ...
Coworker A: Oh, brother.
Me: How old would you go?
Coworker A: I told my grandparents to hook me up with one of their friends, preferably someone close to death.
Me: Nice. (Pause.) So how young, then?
Coworker A: In this country or another country?

(A few minutes later.)

Me: So seriously. How young?
Coworker B: The rule is half your age plus seven.
Me: The RULE? What are you talking about, the rule? There's a rule?
Coworker B: Of course there's a rule. Half your age plus seven.
Me: So wait ... so, OK. Thirty minus 15 plus 7 ...
Coworker B: 22. Although I could probably squeak by with 21.
Me: You've got to be kidding.
Coworker C: He's right. It's the rule.

**********

Coworker: Britney Spears is probably the most talented person with no talent out there.
Me: The most talented ... what?
Coworker: You heard me. Even when she's a mess she's got a No. 1 song. Everyone should just leave her alone. (Pause.) Free Britney.

**********

Coworker 1: Do you remember Unsolved Mysteries?
Me: I LOVED that show!
Coworker 1: Did you ever see the one with Matthew McConaughey? He was like, mowing his lawn, and there was this pervert sitting in his car watching little kids, and then the kids left and he got out of his car with his pants down and Matthew McConaughey was like, DUDE, what are you doing, and then the guy takes out a rifle and just, like, SHOOTS him in the chest.
Me: Shut UP!
Coworker 1: Yeah. It's probably on YouTube. How embarrassing that he was on Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: Why is that embarrassing?
Coworker 1: I don't know. I just don't think anyone else famous has come out of Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: I don't think that's embarrassing. You have to start somewhere. It's not like it was like last week.

(A few minutes of Google searching later.)

Coworker 1: I can't believe it's not on YouTube.
Coworker 2: It IS on this special Unsolved Mysteries DVD, though.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I'd be careful stepping off that curb if I were you

So. I'm driving along, and there's a car on the side of the road. The driver sits in the car and waits while the other person in the car, a man, gets out ... and STARTS PEEING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!

We were not on the highway. There was an open Walmart 100 feet away. A gas station 10 feet away. A McDonald's a quarter mile one way down the road, a Wendy's the other way, a million other things in between. Most normal people would walk into any one of those places and take advantage of one of the wonderful conveniences of modern society by peeing into a free public toilet. Not this guy. This guy would rather pee on the side of the road in 7-DEGREE WEATHER, which brings me to my next, most important point: I don't even like my EARS to be exposed when it's that cold. My fingers feel like they're going to fall off after about 3 seconds. You REALLY want that out and about, waving at passing cars, in below-zero wind chills? REALLY?

Some things I will never understand.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Girlie stuff

OK, so a couple of weeks ago I was reading stuff online and I found this story revealing the No. 1 beauty product British women can't live without. If I'd tried to guess what it was, I would have said Maybelline Great Lash mascara because everyone seems to love it (although, personally, I don't get it at ALL). But no, it wasn't mascara. It wasn't concealer or powder or even Chapstick. It was VASELINE. Vaseline!

So of course I had to scroll down and read all the comments, because I was like, what on earth are all these women using Vaseline for? I knew the foot trick (slather your feet in Vaseline, wrap them in plastic wrap, put on a pair of socks and sleep that way) and the lip trick (although I've always done it with Carmex), but apparently people use Vaseline on their face! And under their eyes! To take off makeup! To ward off wrinkles! To make their eyelashes longer! (Seriously, I went to makeupalley.com too, and people really swear it does that.) It turns out Tyra Banks is a massive Vaseline devotee--she even gave it away on her show (and looked crazy doing it, but whatever). I am WAY too scared to use it all over my face (although the stories of women who used it their whole lives and died without a single wrinkle tempt me more than you know) but I think I might test it out on the sides of my eyes to try to scare away crow's feet.

I am a COMPLETE sucker for this kind of stuff. I'm not, like, super high-maintenance or anything (I went to work three days in a row last week without washing my hair, how high-maintenance can I be?) but I still just LOVE it. I love the little tricks and cheap, fun things you can do and all of it. So, in honor of Miss Tyra's Vaseline, here are some of my "Vaselines", the fun, cheap little beauty products in my closet:

* Baby shampoo. I wash my hair with it every once in a while because it acts like a clarifying shampoo (getting rid of product buildup) but it's also obviously super gentle so it won't mess with hair color. I use it to hand wash my bras, too, and no, I am totally not kidding. It works like a charm. Plus it smells sooo good!

* Baby oil. Nothing in the world gets eye makeup off like a little bit of baby oil on a cotton ball. I also dump it on after I take a bath and it makes my skin super, duper soft.

* Baby powder. I pour some in my palm, rub my hands together, then lean over and put it on the roots of my hair when I don't feel like washing it. It soaks up all the oil and gives the hair a little lift. (Important note: It helps that I'm blonde. I wouldn't try it on dark hair unless you want to look like the dandruff fairy visited you in your sleep.)

* Hair gel. But I don't use it in my hair, ohhh, no. I put the teeniest, tiniest bit on my finger and swipe it across my eyebrows. I don't have crazy, crazy eyebrows, but it just makes them look better.

* Aspirin. Crush it up, mix it with a little water and put it on a zit until it dries. The pimple won't totally disappear, but it'll get smaller and go away faster. You can also mix up some aspirin with Cetaphil or aloe vera gel and make an exfoliating mask for your face.

* Lip/eye liner. I totally cheat sometimes by lining my lip and then putting clear gloss or Carmex over it instead of lipstick (Wet and Wild liner No. 666 is awesome for this, and it's 99 freaking cents). I'll also sometimes use an eyeliner over my whole eye instead of eyeshadow--it takes like two seconds and you can't really mess it up. (Just dust it with powder so it doesn't rub off.)

What about you? (And DO you use Vaseline? What do you think? I am BEYOND fascinated by that!)

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Yay yay I'm so excited yayyyy

That is basically the dialogue in my head right now. Why? Because I LOVE THE GOLDEN GLOBES SO VERY MUCH. I want to marry them and live happily ever after with golden babies on a golden island. I LOVE the Golden Globes. Let me count the ways:

1. They are TV and movies.
2. There are no filler awards.
3. They're SO MUCH more progressive about good TV shows than the Emmys are.
4. People are allowed to drink, so it's either a partayyyy or a trainwreck waiting to happen. (In other words: win-win!)

I could go on and on. Last year was the press conference/writer's strike nightmare (which I spent in the Las Vegas airport anyway), and the year before was my own personal power outage nightmare. This year, my friends, the Globes are BACK, and so am I. Let the live blog begin!

*****

6:26: Jenna Fischer is a cute girl, but she looks like she's wearing the slipcover from her mom's couch. Floral prints are NEVER a good idea for awards shows, Pam!

6:32: E! just spelled Rumer Willis' name wrong. Ha ha. My friend: "Well, it's a stupid name anyway."

6:52: Ryan Seacrest just did a little scream for the Jonas Brothers. Ohhhhh, boy, it's gonna be a good night.

6:59: Debra Messing looks gorgeous as always. She is, like, TOWERING over poor little Ryan. They are talking about dating advice for women. Hers: Have courage. His: Just say yes. Ha. On both.

7:16: Ummmm ... Giuliana's not wearing her wedding ring AND I just read a blind item about a female cable personality who's having an affair with an executive. Someone's gonna start a rumor and that someone is meeeee ...

7:18: I think maybe David Duchovny forgot he's getting divorced.

7:21: Wow, I mean, WOW. Drew Barrymore's hair! She looks a little bit like she did in Never Been Kissed. The before version.

7:23: Ooh, shaky couple alert! J.Lo and Marc Anthony!

7:32: I just switched over to NBC for a minute. Brooke Burke and Tiki Barber are doing the red carpet. ARE. YOU. FREAKING. KIDDING ME. Seacrest, if you take me back, I promise I'll never leave you again!

7:34: OK, so I switched back to E! and the program guide says Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana DEPANDI. She changed her name to RANCIC when she got married. Oversight or INTENTIONAL CHANGE? The conspiracy theory continues ...

7:39: Holy crap, Marisa Tomei is a pirate.

7:41: Brad and Angelina! Brad and Angelina! I am pretty giddy about the both of them being nominated, I'm not gonna lie. They dissed poor Ryan, though.

8:02: Kate Winslet is just the loveliest woman. (And I am NOT saying that because I am officially 1-for-1 in my picks. Although ...)

8:36: Ricky Gervais, you are a funny, funny man.

8:40: Aww snap, check out Miley Cyrus refusing to look up when Nick Jonas walked out on stage! (We're going to pretend I didn't just say something to give away that I know anything about Miley Cyrus' love life. Just like we're going to pretend that I didn't start singing along with one of her songs in the car the other day.)

9:37: I've been chatting and slacking! But Tracy Morgan, ohhhh, man. Ha ha ha ha. Yes, that is the face of post-racial America.

9:45: Finally! An Angelina shot! All night, I've been like, WHY do they keep cutting to Brad and not Angelina? Is she in the bathroom? Picking something out of her teeth? Holding up a sign that says "Suck it Jen!"? WHAT?

9:58: OK, it's the Spielberg thing, which means we have time for a little best dressed/worst dressed. Looking good: Laura Linney, Tina Fey, Kate Winslet, newly hot Tom Cruise, Rita Wilson's hair (I can't see the rest of her). Looking bad: Renee Zellweger (I mean, beyond horrible), Robert Downey, the too-skinny girl who won for Happy-go-Lucky. Looking like drunk former sorority girls-turned-cougars: Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz.

10:25: Sandra Bullock is cute. And, according to my friend, Colin Farrell is on coke whether he admits it or not.

10:40: I love that Kate Winslet hugged Leonardo DiCaprio before she hugged her husband, WHO ALSO DIRECTED THE MOVIE. Ha! I have to say, I can't really blame the girl.

10:43: She really, really loves Leo. I mean, REALLY. And she has for 13 years. Hmm.

11:03: Mickey Rourke, Slumdog Millionaire ... time for the aftershow on E!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Gold standard

First things first: Congratulations to Cheryl, Vanessa and Elle Charlie, winners of a totally badass TRL soundtrack and a few other goodies. Send me your address and I'll get 'em out to you. (And if you didn't win but truly, TRULY have a burning desire to own a totally badass TRL soundtrack, email me and we'll see what we can do.)

OK. So. I have a little bit longer commute to work now. I work some crazy hours and I can't always call people to kill time while I'm driving, so I've started listening to talk radio on the way home. But not just any talk radio, ohhhhh, no. The kind of talk radio where they talk about relationships and cute boys and the field day that Joel McHale will have on The Soup with this season of The Bachelor. (OK, not really on that last one, but did anyone see tonight's episode? Ohhh, my. I think Jason is just adorable but THOSE GIRLS! Cringeworthy. Completely. And DEANNA! NO, SHE DOES NOT!)

I'm getting sidetracked. So! Last week on one of the shows, they were talking about whether Brad Pitt was still considered the "gold standard" for men. He's getting kind of old, said the one guy host. No way, said the girl. There doesn't seem to be a lot going on upstairs with him, the guy said. Whatever, the girl said, he does humanitarian work. Only because Angelina makes him, said the guy. Please, said the girl, maybe he just realized that there was more to life than sitting around watching Jennifer Aniston smoke pot. And around they went.

So then people started calling in with their picks. One person said Christian Bale. (I was like, seriously? The gold standard for ALL MEN? I'm sorry. No.) Another caller said Johnny Depp. (A little warmer. He can look incredibly hot sometimes, but he's so ... I don't know. Just so JOHNNY DEPP. Someone who's above it all can't be the gold standard.)

My old gold standard used to be Tom Cruise. I loved him to absolute tiny little pieces until he hooked up with Joey Potter. He's jumped on too many couches and yelled at Matt Lauer too many times to be the gold standard anymore, but holy Maverick in a fighter jet, have you seen him on the cover of Details this month? I almost got whiplash doing a double-take in the airport. It's like vintage Tom Cruise.



You can be my wingman anytime. Sigh.

OK, so gold standard. You know how I love my Brangelina, but I don't know about Brad. The gold standard has to be someone that almost everyone can agree on--someone gorgeous, someone charismatic, someone charming, someone larger than life but accessible at the same time. Someone like ... George Clooney? I'm thinking Clooney. Bonus: The man will be single forever, so we all still have a shot. (Right?)

Who's your pick? And what about the gold standard for women?

(***Update at 5:47 a.m. because I am a total freaking insomniac: If this is true, FORGET about Clooney. The kind of gold standard that turns your finger green, maybe. Brad Pitt would NEVER. Hell, CHARLIE SHEEN would never. Gross. Just gross.)

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Guess who's back, back again

Swishy's back! Tell a friend!

OK, so for REAL, I am back. I told you--new year, new devotion to blogging, that's what I'm all about. This was my living room yesterday:



This was my living room a few hours ago:



MUCH better, MUCH more manageable, which means MUCH more time for other, MUCH more fun things. Yay! (I also, by the way, braved the DMV ... IN THE SNOW ... BEFORE WORK ... which took a huge weight off and all-around made me feel like a freaking rock star.)

So ... New Year's. You know what I said this time last year? I'll tell you. I said, "I don't want to be one of those people who always talks about doing things and never does them. So I guess in 2008, I want to be more of a doer. More proactive instead of reactive."

Ha. Ha ha ha. I guess you can say that's one resolution I kept. I quit my job, found a new one and moved halfway across the country, plus a whole bunch of other stuff mixed in.

It has been an interesting year. A year I'd like to live again? Not particularly, but it was a good year for figuring out who I am and where I want to go and how I think I might be able to get there. I think (I hope) I am a little bit better because of it. And as hard as the whole thing was sometimes, I am glad I didn't make myself a hypocrite. I'm such an idealist, such a "go get the life you want" kind of person. I get so frustrated when I see people not living up to their potential and living the life they should--could--be living. So I'm glad I backed up all my idealistic talk and took a risk when I had the chance, even though it was (and still sometimes is) super scary and hard and I'm not exactly sure how it will all turn out.

It was also a good year of lessons. I learned a lot about life. Stuff like ...

* The time leading up to a decision is far, far harder than the time after the decision. That's not to say there isn't a lot of really tough stuff that comes after you make a hard decision, but I think the days and weeks and months leading up to it can be excruciating, much more difficult than actually going through with it. People can agonize for years over whether to stay in a relationship or stay in a job or whatever--that's the hardest part. There's a certain peace and relief that comes with finally deciding, no matter what the decision is. It's like you're holding your breath the whole time and you're finally able to let it out.

* Sometimes you'll never be sure. I would like to think that deep in your gut you'll know if a choice is right when you make it, but sometimes you don't know until after you decide, and maybe not for a long time after that. Sometimes you just have to jump and hope there's going to be something at the bottom, even if that something is nothing more than a loyal friend frantically blowing up an air mattress to cushion your fall, or at least to try to keep you from breaking your neck.

* Change is horrible. I mean, put all the cutesy spins and platitudes on it you want, it just flat-out sucks and there's a reason everyone hates it. But it's also the surest way to make a person grow and I think it's also one of the surest ways to give a person hope, which, at the end of the day, I think people need more than they need to feel comfortable.

* Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel it (and also embrace who you are). I am a sensitive girl, an emotional girl, a passionate girl. You can tell exactly what I'm thinking when you look at me, and I spent a lot of time the past couple of years thinking that was a weakness. But you know what? I LIKE that I feel things so deeply. I like that little things are important to me. I like that I can immerse myself totally and fully in a moment and let myself feel it, even if it feels kind of crappy. Very soon after I moved here, one of my coworkers said it was easy to see I had a soft heart. Really? I said. Yeah, he said, you're a lover. I laughed, because it's TOTALLY true and it TOTALLY gets me in trouble, but this time last year, I would have thought that was a bad thing. Now, I'm glad people who barely know me can see that. (And, on a side note, I also tend to believe that everything catches up with you eventually, so would you rather process something now or later? A lot of times, I *think* later sounds better, but really, it's now. Always now, because that keeps later free for something else.)

* Sometimes it doesn't matter how much you love someone, it's still not enough. I guess that's one of those tough life lessons everyone has to learn at some point, but I still don't like it.

* It is so much better to try than not to try. I'm a big "what if" girl, and the "what if" of trying and crashing spectacularly is a lot easier for me to handle than the "what if" of not trying in the first place. There were a lot of times this year when something went badly and after the dust settled I thought, "Well, at least I tried." Knowing you tried makes doing hard things easier. And it also gives you the freedom to try something else.

* The friends that are like family will always be like family, no matter how far apart you live. Although it sure is a lot better to sit in their living room to gossip and watch trashy TV than it is to do it over the phone.

* No matter how vastly people's musical tastes differ, everyone can agree on The Beatles.

* A bubble bath with Godiva chocolate and the latest issue of InStyle magazine is absolutely fantastic no matter where you live.

* People are good. I've always believed that, but I love reminders, and this year was full of them. I can't tell you how many times I started crying not because I was sad or upset about something, but because someone was just SO NICE to me I couldn't believe it.

That includes you guys. Thank you so much for sticking with me over the past year. Thank you for the kind comments, the emails, the words of encouragement, the funny things you say that make my life better. I am so grateful for the goodness that I see all the time in my tiny little corner of the Internet world. I hope you all have the best year of your lives this year, and I can't wait to hear all about it. Happy New Year, everyone!

(P.S. Contest winners Monday!)