Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

If I ever give birth, we're all in trouble

If I had written my last post today, there would be another option: G) Spent the last several days staring into the jaws of death/suffered through my first bad cold in a very, very long time. I rarely get sick, which means I am a horrible sick person. A pathetic one. A whiny, achy, mopey, "I can't breathe" one, as evidenced in my "diary" of the last week.

Monday afternoon

Me, to my coworker: "I feel weird. I feel like I have something in my lungs."
He glances up. "Um ... air?"

Monday night

I get home late from work, decide I'm going to sit on the couch juuuuust for a second before I go to the gym, and pass out. For, like, three hours.

Tuesday night

It's master-of-the-obvious coworker's birthday, and his girlfriend has planned dinner at this restaurant at a casino. It's a good dinner full of lovely revelations, such as the fact that my friend was circumcised as a baby by Jackie Mason's cousin.

But in the car on the way home, I start whining that my throat itches. It's the cigarette smoke in the casino, they said, you're just not used to being around it. I agree, that makes perfect sense. So I drink some extra water when I get home, go to bed and dream of slot machines and Brad Pitt, just because.

Wednesday morning

I wake up before my alarm, which is never, ever a good sign, and my throat is on FIRE. I can't call in sick because ... actually, I can't remember now, that was three whole days ago and my brain has been drowning in mucus and phlegm since then, but there was some good reason why I had to go. So I do.

Me, to my coworker, about 2.1 seconds after I walk in the door: "So. I'm sick. Like, legitimately. My throat is killing me."
He glances up. "Maybe you have swine flu."

I Google swine flu symptoms. The checklist is very lame, it's like, you can't tell the difference between swine flu and regular flu, neither can the doctor without a lab test, blah blah blah. I skip down to the symptoms that require urgent medical attention.

Me: "Holy crap. Listen to this." (Pause.) "Are you listening?"
Him: "Yes, I'm listening."
Me: "What did I just say?"
Him: "You said are you listening."
Me: "OK, good. Thank you. So listen to this. It says confusion. It LITERALLY says confusion. CONFUSION! LISTEN TO ME. If I show ANY signs of confusion, you need to call the doctor, like, immediately."
He looks at me.
I wait.
He looks at me some more.
I wait.
Him: "Soooo ... I'm supposed to tell the difference between your normal confusion and your swine flu confusion how?"
Me: "I cannot believe I'm entrusting my life to you."

A few hours later.
Me: "Maybe I have strep instead."

A little while after that.
Me: "What about mono? I totally fell asleep the other night! Fatigue!"

This is all met by a lot of head-shaking.

Thursday morning, 3:30 a.m.

I wake up after an hour and a half and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the right side of my neck with one of those Ginsu knives. I cannot swallow at ALL, so I stand there in the dark and periodically spit into the bathroom sink. It's not melodramatic at all.


I happen to already be off these days, so ... lucky me! I get to die a thousand deaths on my couch without even taking time off work to do it!

Thursday afternoon.

My friend visits me on my deathbed to bring me some sustenance and some medicine. Also a National Enquirer.

Thursday night.

I summon all of the strength I can muster to witness a pop culture perfect storm: Jon Gosselin on one channel and David Letterman's affair admission on the other, with my laptop on my stomach set to people.com. All of the excitement wipes me out, though, and I spend the next 10 hours asleep on the couch.

Friday night.

I've officially knocked off 11 percent of the DVR. I'm now caught up on The Biggest Loser, Project Runway, Modern Family and The Amazing Race. Left to go: Glee, the first two episodes of FlashForward, and the entire last season of 24.

Saturday morning.

I weigh myself and am highly annoyed to find the scale up 4 pounds since Tuesday. I thought you were supposed to LOSE weight when you were sick! I chalk it up to water retention from the sodium in all of the soup I've been eating, and conveniently disregard the pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream I've eaten in the last two days.

I do, however, wash my hair for the first time since Tuesday night. I consider this major progress.

Saturday afternoon.

Apparently not enough progress. Snot is pouring out of my body, and I'm almost done coughing up my left lung. I disgust nearly everyone who crosses my path, and I get kicked out of work an hour early.

Saturday night.

I fall asleep for a couple of hours and wake up feeling like I've been hit between the eyes by the 7:27 p.m. Amtrak express. I turn to my last resort: Vick's Vapo Rub. I'm currently sitting on my couch, surrounded by a High School Musical tissue box, cherry cough drops and a very tall bottle of water, smelling like menthol, watching 27 Dresses. If anyone else is having a more glamorous Saturday night right now, I'd love to hear it.


At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Ree said...

Well, it's Sunday morning, but I had to tell you that you sound like Mr. Hot when he's sick.

I'm sorry.... ;-)

At 1:00 PM, Blogger Mandy said...

I hate being sick. Hope you feel better soon.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

I know I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help giggling. On the plus side, the weight gain might actually be just from the phlegm trapped in your body, so once it's expelled you should be fine. Right?

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Barb said...

I'm so sorry you are sick ~ I know it's miserable. Try putting Vicks on the bottoms of your feet. I swear it really works. Helps your cough and helps you sleep better. Something about how the foot absorbs the stuff. Oh, and don't forget to put socks on afterwards! Feel better.

At 8:19 AM, Blogger flea said...

oh poor swishy!! hope u feel better soon! colds are the worst and I agree with you on the swine flu symptoms like really, it's NO different then the regular flu...except you can DIE and me being pregnant = me being very paranoid. i hope to god I don't get sick, then again I hardly leave my house so the possibility is slim...

get lots of rest and if you are still sick after a week I think u should pay a visit to a Dr. and get some heavier meds

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Patti said...

i think i caught something by just reading this. couchcoughcough.

here's a weirdo tip: when sick and coughing like me (see above) rub vicks vapo rub on bottoms of your feet and that will allow you to sleep. oh don't forget the socks. i don't know how the voodoo works, but it does.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Melek said...

are u feelimg better today?

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Really? Through your feet??? I am totally going to try that tonight!

I'm still hacking up a storm, but I think I might survive :) Thank you!

At 10:46 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

I hope you are well by now. If not, please go to the doc and ask him about your ear at the same time.

I sound like your mom, don't I? Sorry about that!

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Why do I love that you have High School Musical tissue boxes?

Hope you feel better!

At 11:31 AM, Blogger Beth said...

aw Baby Girl...if I was there, I would SO tkae good care of you. We would over-dose on US and Life&Style...Brad and Angie...and anyone else who wanted to join in on the fun. We would stay in our jammies all day long, drinking margaritas...cuz ya know, you gotta flush that sutff outta you, and margaritas are the best way to do that.

Love you. Take care of you.

At 1:31 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Beth, you totally need to come over!!!

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Bina said...

Okay, so I'm just a little late in posting. I wasn't able to have computer time much cause my daughter DID have the H1N1. BUT, they also told me strep was going around, with a sore throat like yours, I just wonder. Did you go to the doctor? Do you feel better? Have you lost the 4 pounds of snot yet?


Post a Comment

<< Home