Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

If my life had to be a movie, why couldn't it be one starring George Clooney?

So I'm sitting there the other day, and I feel something tickling my ear, which is not such an unusual thing when you're a girl with longish hair. I put my hair behind my ear, but I still feel it. I push it back again, and it's still there and ... AHHHHH, IS THERE A BUG IN MY EAR? SICK, SICK, EWWWWW, GET OUT--

There's no bug in my ear. My ear stops tickling and I move on with life.

But THEN! A day or two later, I feel it again. I smack my ear for a minute, and it goes away. But then--THEN--yesterday at work, I feel it again. And it WILL NOT GO AWAY, and did I ever mention that I was neurotic, and did you ever see that Star Trek movie The Wrath of Khan with the little worm things they put in people's ears, and OH, MY GOSH, I AM GOING INSANE.

"I think I have a bug in my ear," I announce.

"You do not have a bug in your ear," my coworker says, already completely bored with the whole conversation.

"But how do you KNOW?" I ask.

He lets out a very heavy, very labored sigh, the sigh of a man who knows it's only 8:23 a.m. and there's a whole lot of neurotic, hypochondriac chatter left in the day, and walks over. He looks in my ear. "No bug."


So, naturally, my next step is to turn to Google (the litany of dire diagnoses--skin cancer, brain tumor, leukemia--it has given me in the past clearly not a deterrent). And instead of telling me that, no, silly Swishy, there is definitely not a bug in your ear, Dr. Google tells me that, you know, stranger things have happened than a doctor finding a bug in someone's ear. I tell my coworker as much.

"Well," he says, "what kind of vacuum do you have at home?"

OK, I say, that is definitely not funny. What do you think it is?

"It could be swine flu," he says. "I don’t know all the symptoms."

I glare at him and tell him I hope he catches it, then, for being so rotten. Another coworker jumps in and says I should go the doctor: "He’ll either tell you, yes, you have a bug in your ear, or no, you’re just paranoid, get off the crack."

"Not that!" my other coworker exclaims. "You can't take away her crack!"

Ha ha, very funny, you are all hilarious, just two big rays of sunshine and light and laughter in my life, I reply. Meanwhile, a bug is LAYING EGGS in my BRAIN.

A few minutes pass, and the feeling goes away. Of course, I announce as much. "Well, it can’t do any damage if it’s napping," my coworker says. He pauses, then adds: "You know what you should do? You should rent movies like Alien and watch it for possibilities of what could happen."

I think that's when I threw the Nerf football at his head.

So I go home, and I eat dinner, and I'm rinsing dishes at the sink, when I look up and see something seriously--I really am being serious now--SERIOUSLY disturbing. Like, freak-out disturbing. Like, run and turn off the kitchen light and hide in the corner disturbing (which, incidentally, is exactly what I did).

OK. This is the deal. There are spiders building an entire housing development outside my kitchen window. SCARY SPIDERS. POISONOUS-LOOKING SPIDERS. SPIDERS WITH BABIES. It is literally Arachnophobia outside my kitchen window. And yes, my window is closed, but wait, what's this? ONE OF THE BABIES HAS GOTTEN INSIDE AND IS SITTING THERE ON MY WINDOWSILL MAKING FACES AND STICKING ITS TONGUE OUT AT ME.

So, to recap: I feel like I have a bug in my ear, and mere hours later I see the New York City of spider towns outside my window AND a baby spider IN MY HOUSE. Hmmm. IS IT ANY WONDER I'M NEUROTIC?

I mean, did you THINK I was exaggerating here? TOTAL ARACHNOPHOBIA SPIDER!

OK. I killed the baby, just smushed the hell out of it, so it's gone. The rest sleep during the day, they come out at night, the whole thing is very disconcerting, but I mean, as long as I keep the window shut, I'm OK, right? They'll die when it gets cold, right? They won't lay a bunch of spider baby eggs that will hatch in the spring and eat my brain and feast on my corpse, right? RIGHT?!?!?

Holy crap, my ear is totally tingling again. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.


At 11:04 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Yeah, I think you're toast. You'd be amazed by what bugs can get into.... (just KIDDING) I'd be freaking out right there with you though. I don't like things touching my ears. Or my nose for that matter. Good luck!

At 11:35 PM, Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

You need to go have your ear checked. You probably have an ear infection. I know these things cuz remember last month when my ear drum perforated and started bleeding onto my pillow? Well, my ear laid baby spider eggs that night.

GOD, I am totally itching right now! Thank goodness I have my follow-up ENT appointment on Monday to make sure all the baby spiders have evacuated.

Hahha. I kill me.

Oh, and by the way, go get a can of Raid for wasps, flying insects whatever, and go outside and KILL THOSE MUTHAFUCKAS!!! kill 'em dead I tell you! Cuz spiders procreate (is that the right word?) faster than The Duggars.

Ha. Again, I kill me.

And for the record, I have stuck my finger in my ear about 12 times since I started reading your shit. Thanks!: xoxoxo

At 8:07 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

Shudder. Thanks for making my ear itch too. Yikes.

Go buy some spider spray and get rid of that arachnotropolis you have out your window. That is creepy.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger Andie said...

You made me put my finger in my ear to check mine!

You probably have a piece of stray wax that needs to get out of something!

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, you guys are all making me laugh. Here's the problem with the arachnotropolis ... I live on the second floor! I can spray the screen UNDER where they're at (they're by the top half of the window that I can't get to) but I can't spray THEM unless I got a ladder or something. Hi, landlord.

I have taken a Q-tip to every last corner of my ear. I would eat off the inside of my ear, it's so clean. There is NOTHING THERE! (Unless it's deep in my brain by now ...)

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

It's probably q-tip debris. Or an ear infection. But if you go to your doctor and say there are spiders in your ear, you're going to get a referral to another doctor. One that does not, um, treat ears. One with a big long couch for you to relax on.

Listen. Put some alcohol in your ear (rubbing alcohol, not the good stuff) and let it sit for a while. If it's a spider, this will kill it and all its babies. If it's still ticklish, you should go to the doc.

By the way, if you DO die from the spiders, who should play you in the docudrama? Angelina Jolie? You should set this up ahead of time so it's done just the way you like it.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Melek said...

once in the middle of the night, i was awakened by a little 'plop' and a scuffle on my pillow. I woke up and turned on the light and there was a gigantic roach crawling across my pillow. i suspect he fell off the window sill. So, yes, i would freak out too.

instead of alcohol, i'd try peroxide. that's what my mom always did when i had waxy ears. it'll be like a little bubbly water park ride for whatever is in your ear...it'll flush him right out.

At 10:28 PM, Blogger flea said...

ugh I hate, HATE bugs and i'm sitting here just shuddering at what you are going through. I would so be freaking out also, agree with what everyone else has said put some alcohol or peroxide in your ear asap, if you still have that "feeling" goo see a dr. sometimes you just know things, you know??

I would also be getting the landlord to spray those GD bastards and kill them before they breed any more

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Oh Swishy!!!! I love you so much girl. and you probably DO have a bug in your ear...s.eriously. get it checked.


At 10:33 PM, Anonymous ree said...

Oh great. My left ear has been tingling for AGES. Now I'm convinced there's a spider in there. Like it wakes me up in the middle of the night tingling.

That's it. I'm NOT sleeping anymore. And I'm wearing earplugs.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

Have you gone to the dr yet? I hope so! Make sure to take your camera w/ you. haha

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Bina said...

Dang I wish you posted more. You are so freaking funny!!!!

And ya know, I'm not afraid of insects, at all. Not even a little, except for that scary little sucker in your window!!! Holy Shit! I have never seen one like that!!! I would be calling the land lord or whoever and get that shit wipped out and quick!


I once took my son to the ENT and he had a chart of things he has taken out of people ears. I won't tell you all the things, but yes, bugs too!!!

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Last night I woke up with my ear tickling and immediately convinced myself that there was a spider. Of course, I then thought of you!

My friends tell me that some of the shiz in my life sounds like a movie, but sadly it does not star George Clooney either. It stars weirdo neighbors who would probably be played by Steve Buscemi.

At 12:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Crack is whack! Whitney tole me so.
you gotta stay on that shit or else you'll have bugs feelin like they are crawlin all over ya.

At 12:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OOOps that was TTQ, I forgot my passwords, I have alzheimers or I need to get off the crack pipe/

At 5:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had these symptoms you describe...I was going nuts....thinking bugs in my ear...i did every remedy possible, even sprayed lysol in my ear...I have discovered it is water in my ear somehow that is sinus related...the main thing is don't irritate it too much..u can get an infection. But...sticking a q-tip in and getting the water out helps...

At 10:11 AM, Anonymous felicia said...

OMG I just googled 'possible to have a bug or spider in your ear' and this came up! LOL Im going to get my spider checked today! i even syringed my ear with water....

At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

err i'm not sure if there was a spider in the ear at the end of that story, i lost the thread of it when it descended into neurotic drivel somewhere towards the beginning.


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