Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scenes from the office

Out of the blue, someone brings up our 5-7, 130-pound coworker.

Coworker 1: We should have a tossing contest with Bob.
Coworker 2 thinks about this. "Would you throw him by his hands or his feet?"
Coworker 1: Feet. Definitely. You could go in circles a few times first. You know, build some momentum.
Coworker 2: Or you could throw him like a javelin.
Me: We should have a department summer Olympics.
Coworker 1, his eyes lighting up: AND BOB COULD BE THE BALL IN EVERY EVENT!!! (Pause.) Sucks for him if we play kickball.


Coworker A: So Swish. I have a question for you.
Me: What?
Coworker A: It's a pop culture question.
Me: OK, what.
Coworker A: If you had to take a bullet for either Brad or Angelina, and the other one was going to die, who would you choose?
Me: Angelina.
(I love that I don't question why he's asking or pretend I am above this kind of thing. No, I give him an immediate answer.)
Coworker A: Why Angelina?
Me, being noble: Because the children need their mother.
Coworker A: OK, but then you couldn't marry Brad.
Me: WAIT! I can marry Brad? I can be Shiloh's stepmom? I LOVE Shiloh!
Coworker A: No. Actually, you would die from the gunshot wound.
Me: What? WHAT? I have to DIE? I thought I was going to be a hero! No one takes the bullet out of my leg and nurses me back to health? Why did you say I could marry Brad, then? HUH?
He shrugs.
Me: You totally suck.


Coworker 1 sketches a diagram of the Ivory Coast. Nobody can remember WHY he's doing this, possibly because everyone is hung up on the fact that his picture looks exactly like a part of the male anatomy.

Him: WHAT? That's what it looks like! You guys are perverts. I mean, seriously. Perverts. (He takes back the paper and starts writing again.) And right next to it--
Coworker 2: If you draw one more country, I'm calling HR.


Coworker 1, getting ready to eat: I forgot a straw. Are there any straws over there?

Me: OH, MY GOSH! So in the latest issue of the InStyle, there is THE cutest idea ever. Wait, I'm not sure if it was InStyle, maybe it was Glamour or something instead. No, I'm pretty sure it was InStyle. The color issue with Salma Hayek. Anyway, so they had this thing in there that you could do with straws. You take a glass vase or jar or whatever and you fill it with multicolored straws and put it on your kitchen counter, you know, for a little pop of color. It is SO cute, especially for summer, and I mean, then you have straws there all the time to drink with fun summer drinks. FUN, huh? And totally cheap. I am totally doing it.

(Blank stares.)
(More blank stares.)

Coworker 2 to the room at large: Does anyone know where that came from?


I mention that I have to go to the grocery store after work.

Coworker A: I hate going to the grocery store.
Coworker B: Why?
Coworker A: That place is horrible. People, like, wear their pajamas there. When I first moved here, I was like, holy hell. I was looking for the gun section to kill myself. Where I come from, people get dressed to go to the damn supermarket. (Pause.) And the florescent lighting is even worse.

Later, during a staff meeting, one of my coworkers passes me a note.

"Can you get me some things at the store.
- 6 cases of Poland spring water
(24 pack of 1/2 liter bottles)
- 2 15-20 lb frozen turkeys
- 24 packages of Sudafed

Yes, it is pretty much this random all the time.


At 6:06 AM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

I want to work with you guys; It sounds pretty awesome. I would totally take a bullet for Brad if he nursed me back to health afterwards. That should definately have been an option.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Girl, you are in your element. This is priceless stuff and I can't wait to read your first novel. Jonathan Tropper would kill for this kind of material...

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Mandy said...

Sounds like a fun place to work. Are they hiring?

At 5:07 PM, Blogger flea said...

i want to work with you too!! and it makes me totally miss working in an office environment

At 10:43 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

This was so much fun to read. Thanks, Swishy!

And I'm with Trish. Can't wait to read the novel.

At 11:17 PM, Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Cripes. You make me miss you more and more all of the time.

At 11:49 PM, Blogger Midwest Gent said...

Your response for the taking bullet scenario should be that you will start wearing a kevlar (sp?) vest all the time. as for the grocery list, any idea why two large turkeys?

At 12:11 AM, Blogger Michelle said...

See, this is why I miss being in the office every day. I miss this. But then again, I really don't miss the commute. I'll be content to live vicariously through you ;) My work is pretty grim at the moment.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger Karen said...

There is a much easier answer for the Brangelina question. You wouldn't have to take the bullet for either b/c undoubtedly a TMZ paparazzi would take the bullet. They would have no reason to live if Brangelina was gone!

(Well, except for the few weeks afterwards when we would be inundated with memorials)

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Or, alternatively, you could actually throw one of the paprazzi into the line of fire. Not that I would promote violence against anyone, but isn't that the easiest choice of who has to go?

At 3:51 PM, Blogger She said...

That was too funny!

I need to start writing stuff down more. ;)

At 5:31 PM, Blogger Beth said...

ahhh Swishy, I love ya girl. I love that you ahve your Amgelina answer ready at the drop of a hat....and screw Brad. Seriously!!! I mean really screw him! Then you can have your own little shiloh!!! She is a baby doll.

will you share Brad with me? Pleaaaaaase???

At 1:43 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Wasn't your other work random like this to? I think you pick you are attracted to these people.

At 6:07 PM, Blogger Bina said...

I love the Bob story! That is so freaking funny. My friend Leah and I have random converstations, but no one can join in, since it's just us two in there. bummer.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Melek said...

i seriously hope the grocery list was a joke....

love the question about angelina/brad...good 'what if' topic.

i dont get to have fun conversations like that at work.

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Wow- you work with people with senses of humor. How fun! Love that grocery list.....


At 1:14 AM, Blogger Barrie said...

Any chance you could secret mount a web cam?

At 7:47 PM, Anonymous courtney said...

LIke just about everybody else has said, I want to work with you. You guys sound like you have a total blast at work. So jealous.

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

I think I would love working in your office

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Swishy, you totally attract the bizarre.

And if your co-worker draws any more geographical pictures, ask him to draw the state of Florida. Heh.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Sometimes I miss working in an office.

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Elle Charlie said...

I LOVE this! Too funny. The first one and the last one were my favorites. This stuff is great - keep it comin'.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger kim said...

All of it, :o).

At 3:11 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

I want to work in a fun office like you! We never talk about hypothetical celebrity shootings at my office. :(

At 2:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like a good fit for you. Fun times at work, always make for good days.

Happy Easter!

At 12:39 AM, Blogger TTQ said...

My office mate and I totally have insane bits like that. Oh wait it's not my office mate it's my husband! Just a couple of freaks. One of which throws a hissy if I move my desk remotely away from his... He even puts mail on my chair, and anyone who has ever worked with me will tell you how that throws me off the edge. My ass goes in that chair, and that's it.

At 11:32 AM, Blogger DeeMarie said...

Can I come work with you????????

At 8:57 PM, Anonymous Caryn Caldwell said...

Those are hilarious! I wish I had your coworkers!


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