Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things I would miss if I ever worked at home

Coworker A, on Tom Brady: They should just freeze his seed and put him out of his misery.


Coworker A on Mona from Who's the Boss: She and Blanche are the biggest whores in '80s TV. '90s TV is so much better. Valerie Malone? SMOKING HOT. Steve Sanders wasn't too bad, either. (Pause.) They're no Andrea Zuckerman. Oh, my gosh, she was like 50 trying to play a 19-year-old.


Me: So speaking of cougars ...
Coworker A: Oh, brother.
Me: How old would you go?
Coworker A: I told my grandparents to hook me up with one of their friends, preferably someone close to death.
Me: Nice. (Pause.) So how young, then?
Coworker A: In this country or another country?

(A few minutes later.)

Me: So seriously. How young?
Coworker B: The rule is half your age plus seven.
Me: The RULE? What are you talking about, the rule? There's a rule?
Coworker B: Of course there's a rule. Half your age plus seven.
Me: So wait ... so, OK. Thirty minus 15 plus 7 ...
Coworker B: 22. Although I could probably squeak by with 21.
Me: You've got to be kidding.
Coworker C: He's right. It's the rule.


Coworker: Britney Spears is probably the most talented person with no talent out there.
Me: The most talented ... what?
Coworker: You heard me. Even when she's a mess she's got a No. 1 song. Everyone should just leave her alone. (Pause.) Free Britney.


Coworker 1: Do you remember Unsolved Mysteries?
Me: I LOVED that show!
Coworker 1: Did you ever see the one with Matthew McConaughey? He was like, mowing his lawn, and there was this pervert sitting in his car watching little kids, and then the kids left and he got out of his car with his pants down and Matthew McConaughey was like, DUDE, what are you doing, and then the guy takes out a rifle and just, like, SHOOTS him in the chest.
Me: Shut UP!
Coworker 1: Yeah. It's probably on YouTube. How embarrassing that he was on Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: Why is that embarrassing?
Coworker 1: I don't know. I just don't think anyone else famous has come out of Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: I don't think that's embarrassing. You have to start somewhere. It's not like it was like last week.

(A few minutes of Google searching later.)

Coworker 1: I can't believe it's not on YouTube.
Coworker 2: It IS on this special Unsolved Mysteries DVD, though.


At 4:54 PM, Blogger Travis Erwin said...

And I thought everything was on you tube.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Mandy said...

Free Britney!

I could never be a cougar but I would go pretty a lot older.

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Vanessa said...

You have amazingly interesting coworkers.

At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


THAT is hilarious.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

That's totally the age rule! You can also subtract 7 from your age and then double for the oldest age you should date.

I can't believe Matthew McConaughey was on Unsolved Mysteries. Crazy.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Chrissy said...

But that Unsolved Mysteries is on youtube! Go here

It is about three minutes in!

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Tamara said...

You think that stuff goes away when you work from home?

Still, those were gems!

At 9:18 PM, Blogger Midwest Gent said...

A lot of useless knowledge that I have needed for some time.

At 9:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too funny. I bet going to work is always an adventure. Thanks for the laugh.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger Camille said...

I feel like I'm missing out on lots of fun, not going to work every day! School's never that exciting. It's a drag, actually.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

You know... you're right. I do miss out on these when I'm only in the office one day a week. On the plus side, when I'm there that one day ever since we moved to the new office and reconfigured all our layouts to have all bullpens and no privacy, I can hear EVERY word anyone says and so can catch up quickly. Yeah....

At 4:15 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OH, MY GOSH I totally just watched that video! It really is him! Ha ha ha.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Celia said...

Can I come work with you? My co-workers are nowhere near as entertaining.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger kk said...

Seriously – great post!

loved it!

(it's all too familiar!)

At 6:40 PM, Anonymous JP said...

Hey Swishy ... I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now (can't remember how I stumbled across it, but I'm glad I did) but this is the first time I've posted. I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely love your blog ... you totally make my day with your hilarious stories. I wish my life was as interesting as yours is. :-)

At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heres the listing from IMDB:

At 12:27 AM, Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I am sooo lucky to know you in real life. Did you tell your coworkers that you needed to write all this down? I just watched the video too. That is hilarious!

And about Brit-Brit. They are sooo right on!

In fact, I do believe they are right about everything. I need me a 27 year old! Raarrr! ; )

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

JP! Thank you so much!

And Manic, you totally made me laugh at your post ... ha ha.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Kristabella said...

You didn't know about that rule? Really? You work with mostly men, I would have thought you would have heard that one.

I don't think women really go by that rule.

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Elle Charlie said...

This is exactly why I miss working! All the good stuff comes from work.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Beth said...

I think working with you would be the highlight of my day!!!! you make everything fun!

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

Matthew had a great bare chest even then.

At 6:11 PM, Anonymous courtney said...

Hahaha, Free Britney and the age rule had me busting out laughing. I almost woke the baby up.

I love your posts. Really. Really. Love them. I wish you lived here so we could hang out. It would be awesome.

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Melek said...

yeah, working from home gets kinda boring, but you also don't have to put up with the crazy/bad/irritating sh*t that you get in the office such as: ppl eating your lunch out of the fridge; disgusting bathrooms; other people telling you what to do; a regular paycheck....oh wait, i guess that paycheck would be ok ;)

what you DO get: hours of uninterrupted snoring by your dog. :)

At 10:14 PM, Blogger Melek said...

just went and watched the video...in reading your blog i thought the mystery actually involved Matthew M. I didn't realize he was an actor portraying the incident... i was like "wow, MM has been shot in the chest? i've never noticed a scar!" :)

At 11:01 PM, Blogger Betty said...

Wow, I work with a lot of guys too and they aren't nearly as fun as your co-workers. I wonder if it has something to do with the field you're in....


At 4:20 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Yes, well I am really missing out workin' at home ... my conversations are limited to "Mommy did you know ...."

At 4:45 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

You would be like me a housewife w/o kids. I feel no obligation to be productive around the house during the week, Honey and I do it on the weekends or not.

The funny part? My sister wanted to give me a maid service for a few weeks as a christmas present!! A stay at home wife with no kids, my calender is oh so busy (cough).
Honey said no way that the present was like a slap in the face an insult, said from a man who grew up with a full time housekeeper. SOOOOOOOOO..Sis gave me a big fat gift certificate for a spa

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You have the best conversations ever.

At 5:55 PM, Blogger shopgirl said...

This was sooo funny and sooooooo true - now that I'm living this nightmare of being home everyday (recently laid off). I NEVER thought I'd miss work -but I really do - kinda!


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