Things I would miss if I ever worked at home
Coworker A, on Tom Brady: They should just freeze his seed and put him out of his misery.
Coworker A on Mona from Who's the Boss: She and Blanche are the biggest whores in '80s TV. '90s TV is so much better. Valerie Malone? SMOKING HOT. Steve Sanders wasn't too bad, either. (Pause.) They're no Andrea Zuckerman. Oh, my gosh, she was like 50 trying to play a 19-year-old.
Me: So speaking of cougars ...
Coworker A: Oh, brother.
Me: How old would you go?
Coworker A: I told my grandparents to hook me up with one of their friends, preferably someone close to death.
Me: Nice. (Pause.) So how young, then?
Coworker A: In this country or another country?
(A few minutes later.)
Me: So seriously. How young?
Coworker B: The rule is half your age plus seven.
Me: The RULE? What are you talking about, the rule? There's a rule?
Coworker B: Of course there's a rule. Half your age plus seven.
Me: So wait ... so, OK. Thirty minus 15 plus 7 ...
Coworker B: 22. Although I could probably squeak by with 21.
Me: You've got to be kidding.
Coworker C: He's right. It's the rule.
Coworker: Britney Spears is probably the most talented person with no talent out there.
Me: The most talented ... what?
Coworker: You heard me. Even when she's a mess she's got a No. 1 song. Everyone should just leave her alone. (Pause.) Free Britney.
Coworker 1: Do you remember Unsolved Mysteries?
Me: I LOVED that show!
Coworker 1: Did you ever see the one with Matthew McConaughey? He was like, mowing his lawn, and there was this pervert sitting in his car watching little kids, and then the kids left and he got out of his car with his pants down and Matthew McConaughey was like, DUDE, what are you doing, and then the guy takes out a rifle and just, like, SHOOTS him in the chest.
Me: Shut UP!
Coworker 1: Yeah. It's probably on YouTube. How embarrassing that he was on Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: Why is that embarrassing?
Coworker 1: I don't know. I just don't think anyone else famous has come out of Unsolved Mysteries.
Coworker 2: I don't think that's embarrassing. You have to start somewhere. It's not like it was like last week.
(A few minutes of Google searching later.)
Coworker 1: I can't believe it's not on YouTube.
Coworker 2: It IS on this special Unsolved Mysteries DVD, though.