Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

You're the best ... arouuuuuund

So I took a break from Jo and the complete DOUCHEBAG Slade to flip channels and OH MY GOSH IT'S THE LAST 20 MINUTES OF KARATE KID!!! Could there BE a more exciting development on an otherwise ordinary Monday night at the end of July?

Let me answer that for you. No. No, there could not.

I totally just called my brother to tell him. My brother who suffered the worst asthma attack of his entire life when I tried the "crane kick" on him and ended up kicking him so hard in the chest, he fell to the living room floor and couldn't breathe for like the next 20 minutes. (I thought for sure I'd killed him and totally bawled my eyes out while promising to make his bed every day and take out the garbage for him and basically do anything he ever wanted, if only he wouldn't die ... or tell my mom and dad.)

(His name, by the way, is also Dan--as in Daniel-San ... get it? get it?--and when he was like 10 or 12, he looked exactly like Ralph Macchio in the final scene. Of course, Ralph Macchio was like 20 in that scene, but whatever.)

Anyway, so I called my brother to tell him, and I was like, I always think of you at this part. And he was like, really? Because the part right BEFORE that is the one that always makes me think of YOU. And I was like, no way! Which part? And he was like, yeah, the part where the girl gets all huffy and is like (valley girl accent), "When are you guys going to GROW UP and stop being such JERKS?"

And then I died laughing. Because ... just trust me.

OK, so the final scene. There are just too many things to love here. The great background music (see title ... also see my head, where it will now be stuck for the next week). The guy in the crowd screaming, "Johnny, you're a creampuff!" The deranged-looking Cobra Kai (Bobby?) bouncing up and down on the side, cackling like a monkey on crack ("Put him in a bodybag, Johnny!!!"). The sick bastard Cobra Kai sensei, who's all "Sweep ... the ... leg" in his menacing half-whisper. Johnny himself, who's really such a nasty bully but whose chiseled jaw and blue eyes kinda, sorta bring out that "I wanna reform the bad boy" bug in nice girls everywhere. The kick, of course. And then, at the end, wise old Mr. Miyagi gazing proudly at his little one-legged champion pupil.

I know it is cheesy, I KNOW IT, but I am literally sitting here with little goosebumps up and down my arms. This movie totally rocks. Watch that scene, it will make your entire week.

(P.S. No computer yet! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm sure of it.)

Friday, July 25, 2008

My boring week

This has been the week of getting back to normal life, which means the week of getting done all the stupid crap that I've been putting off lately. Good news: I finally crossed things like "get car registered to avoid furtherrun-ins with the popo" off my to-do list. (That also included putting new plates on my car, which I totally did by myself, thank you very much. Also, can I just say I took my car to a different shop, a shop where they actually LIKE your friend Swishy and don't want to screw her over, and ended up only having to pay $100 instead of $1000 to get my car fixed? BIG yay on that.) So that's the good news. Bad news: The only thing more boring than actually doing errand-y, list-y things is listening to someone else talk about doing them.

But! I did buy a new computer yesterday. I love my laptop. I mean, I do. I love it. I bought it at a day after Thanksgiving sale in ... 2004? 2005? I think 2004. Anyway, I bought it crazy cheap, fell in love at first sight and we've spent many, many quality hours together since. But it has seen much better days. I've worn the H, N, O, K and L off the keyboard, it freezes constantly, it occasionally reboots itself for no reason at all ... it's worn out, poor thing. And, you know, the little hourglass is cute, but not so cute that I want to stare at it for hours on end instead of actually DOING stuff.

So finally, after much angst and neurotic hand-wringing, I decided to pull the trigger on a new laptop. My sister gets a discount on just about every brand of computer through her work, so that part was easy. The hard part? I was pretty sure I wanted to switch from a PC to a Macbook. PRETTY sure. Not TOTALLY sure. I used a Mac at work and a PC at home forever and went very seamlessly between the two, but actually BUYING a Mac seemed like a whole new level of commitment. Then my sister found out she could get a free iPod if I bought a Mac, and that pretty much sealed it. Because isn't that really how you're supposed to make big-ticket decisions?

But THEN I started reading reviews for Microsoft Office for Mac (I can give up my PC, but I can't give up my Word!), and I started freaking out. Some people HATED it, some people loved it. I was like, MAYBE the haters are Mac diehards and the lovers are PC converts and I'm fine ... but what if I'm wrong? What if I can't open any of my old documents? What if I buy a computer I HATE? And then I started groaning and banging my head against the couch cushions.

Me: "What if I change my mind?"
Her: "You can cancel the order before it ships."
Me: "What if it ships and THEN I change my mind?"
Her: "Just don't open the box."
Me, slowly repeating: "Don't open the box."
Her: "Right. Take it STRAIGHT to the Apple store WITHOUT opening the box."
Me: "OK, what if I open the box and THEN change my mind?"
Her: "Then you have a new computer."
Me: "Ahhhhhhh."

It shipped this morning. Fingers crossed, it'll get here Saturday. I'll let you know if I open it.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Media mish-mosh

* All right, I saw the new Batman movie. It's good, of course, and Heath Ledger is very creepy and good in it. But I TOTALLY think that if he is gonna be nominated for an Oscar, Aaron Eckhart should be too, because he was awesome. I didn't really realize how good he was until the very end, and then you look back at the whole arc and it's like, whoaaaa ... he was REALLY good.

* Jerry Maguire was on this weekend, and seriously. SERIOUSLY. Whenever I see it, I'm like, WHAT HAPPENED TO RENEE ZELLWEGER? She totally had bad plastic surgery after that movie or something. Her eyes are all squinty now and they didn't used to be like that at all. (P.S. I don't care if it's wrong, I still think Tom Cruise is hot in that movie. Not as hot as in Top Gun or A Few Good Men, but hot.)

* So I am watching I Love Money right now and I am dying. DYING. I always feel a little dirty when I watch this show, but it's just so ... all right, FINE, I have no defense. None. It is a complete train wreck of a show, and I'm a rubbernecker.

Anyway, so Destiney is all upset because Heat didn't stand up for her, when Entertainer sweeps in and they have an exchange that goes something like this:

Her (crying): "You don't understand."
Him: "It's OK. I feel sad sometimes and feel like I want to cry, too."
Her: "You don't understand. I'm going to get my period any second. I'm premenstrual, I'm (bleeped out) ... I have feelings!!!"

He continues to nod sympathetically and rub her back. All with the hope that if he rubs her back and pretends to care about her PMS for a little longer, she'll have sex with him. It was such a random, bizarre scene ... I totally could not stop laughing.

* I read London is the Best City in America by Laura Dave last week, and oh, my gosh, I loved this book so much I want to marry it, move to a little house on the beach together and live happily ever after. I LOVED this book. I completely got it in so many different ways.

* So in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, there's a column about Katherine Heigl. I like Katherine Heigl very much. She gets ripped on a lot for some of the things she says, but this column TOTALLY defended her and I TOTALLY agree with it. The gist: She says what's on her mind, which occasionally annoys some people, but she's not boring (not to mention right a lot of the time), and do you honestly WANT another cookie-cutter dumb blonde girl in Hollywood? I was like, AMEN.

And now (huge sigh) I actually have to go be productive now. Saaaaaad!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A desk says a thousand words

(Completely random note of the day: I got an email today FROM MY OWN EMAIL ADDRESS advertising hot, naked Angelina Jolie videos* and I was like, what? How is that from MY OWN email address? I think it's because I opened another email yesterday that I thought was a nice, friendly email because it said "Hello" in the subject line but really turned out to be spam. And then that little piece of spam somehow wrested control of my email address. Anyway, I got all freaked out, like, did it send dirty Angelina Jolie emails to everyone who's ever emailed me? If it did, I'M SORRY! I DID NOT SEND IT! If I were sending out hot, dirty emails they would be of BRAD. OBVIOUSLY. On to our post!)

So ... it took me eight hours to clean out my desk at work. EIGHT HOURS. Not eight hours with a little time spent eating lunch, a little time spent IMing, a little time spent talking about Brad and Angie's new twins** in the breakroom. EIGHT SOLID HOURS. Of course, because I am the most sentimental person on earth, I was taking pictures of everything, and as I was doing it, I was like, wow ... if you wanted to crack open the book that is Swishy, this would be a good place to start. Eyes are the windows to the soul ... and apparently my desk is a window to my neuroses.



I love sticky notes. I love making myself little notes on them, I love making lists on them, I just love them. Unfortunately, I love them so much ...



... I can't throw them away. Strangely, I don't have this little quirk at home, but at work, once I crossed everything off, I would save the stickies in an envelope just in case I needed them again. Or, you know, ever wanted to pull out a stack and marvel at my efficiency during that one week back in whatever that month was.

I threw away the envelope of stickies when I left. It was a very solemn, ceremonial moment, complete with the audience such a moment requires.



I don't remember how it came up, but once upon a time, I very innocently said that I liked the shiny little apple on the base of our Macs because I could check my hair in the reflection without even having to go to the bathroom. A few weeks later, I found a small mirror on my desk with that note.



But that wasn't the only mirror by my desk, ohhh, no. We moved offices two years ago. My old desk was in the back of the room, which was perfect. The new desk was smack dab in the middle of traffic, and it FREAKED me OUT. What if some serial killer snuck into the office? He could creep up behind me with his 12-inch knife and stab me right in the neck before I could so much as grab a dull pencil to retaliate. So I bought a bigger mirror and, after much trial and error, figured out how to hang it on the wall so I could look up and see behind me. In addition to scaring off serial killers, it also allowed me to clearly see every time my boss walked out of his office and ... oh, FINE, occasionally check my hair. Not that I was ever good-naturedly MOCKED for that or anything ...



I think I've mentioned before that people liked to leave things on my desk. In this case, however, I am sure they had the wrong desk. I'm SURE.

All in all, the desk in, oh, Hour 2 (you'll notice I eventually moved the computer so I could face the direction of traffic ... but yes, left the mirror hanging there):



And in Hour 3,984:



And, of course, it wouldn't have been a proper farewell without this:



* Great. People are totally going to come to my blog now after doing Google searches for hot, sexy Angelina Jolie videos.
** The Brangelina baby photo shoot is allegedly going to take place on Monday, so ... pictures next week! Maybe!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Hey, Brad ... call me!

I love that it is 2:06 a.m. and I am completely like, OH, MY GOSH, BRAD AND ANGELINA HAD THEIR BABIES! I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE!

So ...

Guess what? Brad and Angelina had their babies!

I was at a barbeque earlier tonight and I was talking about them because I'd read that she was going to be induced on Tuesday and I was like, I am totally going to be refreshing People.com all day on Tuesday now. You know how people sometimes say things like, "Who even CARES about celebrities and their babies?" or "Does anyone even CARE that Angelina Jolie is pregnant?" I always assume that when people say that around me, it's a hypothetical, and an ironic hypothetical at that, because of course I care. Ohhh, do I care. I was telling my friend earlier that I care so much I seriously feel like I should send a gift or volunteer to babysit or ask to be the godmother or something. I care DEEPLY. And I am already as giddy as a little girl on Christmas morning thinking about the very special issue of People magazine that should appear in my mailbox, oh, six weeks from now with the first pictures (SIX MILLION DOLLAR PICTURES!) of the twins.

I totally believed all the rumors that it was two girls, so I'm surprised it's a boy and a girl. I don't know how I feel about the names (Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline). Knox is fine, it kind of goes with Pax and Maddox, so that's cool. But whenever I hear Vivienne, I think of Rosie O'Donnell because that's her daughter's name (please don't act surprised that I know that), and I'm like, blahhhh. I thought the names from the false alarm story (Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane) were cute, so I wish it was one of those instead.

I know, can you believe they didn't ask my opinion first? ME NEITHER!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Week 1

I would be a terrible lady of leisure. I mean, absolutely terrible. Which is funny considering the number of Saturday afternoons I've sat comatose under a blanket on my couch watching My Best Friend's Wedding or Project Runway or whatever else TBS or Bravo has to throw at me, but there you have it. I told myself that the first few days I could chill out and do nothing while I got myself adjusted, but three days in, I'm already stressing out that I'm not getting enough done.

I've also discovered that I absolutely cannot work at home during the day, at least not yet--it makes me feel claustrophobic or stir crazy or something and I have to go somewhere. At night, no problem. During the day, no way.

I am such a neurotic girl sometimes.

It's been a very, very strange week. I'm sort of just feeling my way through it, I guess. I am fairly calm most of the time--even giddy sometimes--but every day there are a couple of hours where I seriously am so annoyed and aggravated and sad and just incredibly frustrated. Then it passes, and I feel OK again.

Yesterday was hard. I sent out my goodbye email to everyone at work. I've already said goodbye to everyone a thousand times, so I thought it would be OK, but it hit me much harder than I thought it would. It made it all so FINAL. And then these responses started coming in, these gorgeous, sweet, generous emails, and I just cried and cried. I have very, very emotional ties to that job. So it was hard.

(And then I took my stupid freaking car to the stupid freaking shop so it could pass the stupid freaking emissions test so I don't get any more stupid freaking tickets and my usual guys weren't there and the guy who WAS there wanted a thousand dollars to put in a new fuel tank! I was like, why. WHY?!?!??! And he said blah blah blah, and I said no, thank you, I think I will pass, person I now hate. That's why I didn't blog yesterday. I felt like if I blogged, the subject line would be "I am a cranky little bitch" and I didn't think that was a very cheery or empowering message to send out into the world.)

Anyway, get this. This was my horoscope the other day:

"You're in the middle of a readjustment and ought to find that the new situation is much more to your liking--once it's all past you, that is. Things are still a bit out of balance for now."

Yes! That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm a little sad, a little scared, a little stressed out, but there are big, heaping helpings of hope and excitement mixed in there, too. I hope I can figure out a better way to articulate this in the coming days, but there is something very empowering about wanting something more and doing something about it even though it's scary, and something very exciting about breaking away from complacency and seeing what happens. It feels pretty awesome.

I say that now. Just wait until I'm sitting in a gutter somewhere, selling pet rocks with magic marker eyes.

Just kidding. I'd at least glue on felt.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

I have missed you guys

I really, really have. It has been sheer craziness around here and I literally have not had one second to write anything. I was at work until 3 a.m. on Friday night (happy Fourth of July to me), 2 a.m. on Saturday night and then on Sunday I worked from 11:30 a.m. to 7 A.M. THE NEXT DAY. It has been a very intense, very emotional week, and I was in the middle of writing a pensive, reflective post about it all when ...

(Are you ready for this? Get ready ...)

THE CIA AGENT WALKED INTO MY COFFEE SHOP!!!

Of COURSE I forgot my stupid camera today, and OF COURSE I picked the booth by the soda machine so I can't really see him very well, but how's THIS for intel: His name is Matt. They just called it out so he could go to the counter and get his order. I had to hurry and minimize my screen so he couldn't see what I was doing, so I don't know what he ordered, but I will find out. Ohhh, yes, you can count on that. I DO know that it requires salt, because he just got up to get some.

I have SO found my calling. Hello, there, new career. So nice to meet you!

***

Update 1: He just went to the bathroom. Ladies and gentlemen, he has a bladder.

***

Update 2: He gets up to leave. He slows down as he walks past my booth ... and then he ever-so-subtly-and-secret-spyishly slides down his aviators (AVIATORS!) and gives me a look before walking out the door. HE IS SO TOTALLY ON TO ME!

(P.S. Pensive and reflective post to come tomorrow.)