Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, December 05, 2008

La vida loca

Answers to frequently asked questions ...

No, I am not dead.
No, I am not trapped under a pile of packing paper.
No, Brad and Angelina did not summon me to their chalet to help with the kids.
No, I have not built a love nest for two with the hot new neighbor.
No, I have not abandoned my blog to work for the CIA.

I did, however, finally get rid of quite a few boxes, which is a miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea and a comeback by Britney Spears. It is a HUGE relief and I totally went and got a pedicure for my nasty feet today to celebrate. (I was walking around outside in flip-flops afterward and a guy stopped me--since, you know, it's FREEZING out--and goes, "You just got your nails done, didn't you?" Why, yes, yes, I did, I said, and he was all, "I can tell. They look goooooooooood." I was like, thank you very much, foot fetish man!)

(The place is still trashed, by the way, and I'm still sleeping on the couch because I'm too damn lazy to clear off the bed. But at least it's not trashed with CARDBOARD.)

I also had a development seminar for work this week, during which I learned two very important things:

No. 1: I am 12 years old.
No. 2: So is my coworker.

Exhibit A:
About two hours in, we start passing notes.
Me: You should get a lizard or something. You could teach it tricks.
Him: You're on drugs. (A minute later.) Can I buy some?

Him (after seeing me check my messages and write down a number for Steve the moving guy): Is Steve hot?
Me: Sizzling! (surrounded by little squiggle lines)
Him: More sizzle than Coworker B?
Me: Is that even possible?
Coworker gets out his phone and takes a picture of our paper as "evidence" for the rest of the department that I "like" Coworker B.

Exhibit B:
Coworker changes my name placard to say "Mrs. Coworker B."

Exhibit C:
Speaker: No person likes to be dominated.
I start giggling.
Coworker (whispering): You. Are. HORRIBLE!

Speaker: OK, now let's spend two minutes on "buts".
Coworker starts snickering.
Me: YOU'RE horrible!

Exhibit D:
Coworker draws a line across my paper. I can't stand having a random line across the middle of my paper, so I make it into a mountain with a little stick figure skier. Coworker adds a pine tree. Stick figure skier dies. Then we play tic tac toe.

At one point, we had to practice our listening skills by partnering up and listening to the other person talk uninterrupted for two minutes. Every time we glanced away or stopped paying attention for a second, we had to make a signal, which was to help us be more aware of being "present" in conversations.

"Are you going to have a hard time talking for two minutes straight?" asked my partner, a charming young Brit with an oh-so-charming British accent to match. I was like, oh, you sweet boy, you have no idea.

I think we all know what I talked about.

"So," I said, taking a breath, "you know Brad and Angelina, right? I am FASCINATED with them. I just stayed in this place with the crappiest cable ever, so I could only watch that one show on, I don't know what channel it is, CNBC or CNN or MSNBC or something like that. Anyway. Every single night they talked about Brad and Angelina and I TOTALLY wanted to call in but I didn't, but ... wait, I should backtrack. Have you ever seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith? OH. MY. GOSH. You can totally, TOTALLY see the part where they fall for each other, I saw it in the movie theater and I completely freaked out and smacked my friend's arm, like, OH. MY. GOSH. DO. YOU. SEE. THE. WAY. HE. LOOKED. AT HER!!!!!! They're outside, and they're drinking tequila, and they're dancing in the rain, and the next morning she thinks he's gone, but he's not, he went to go get coffee and he's sitting by the window and he looks at her and she looks at him and OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS IT'S LIKE CRAZY SUPER HOT and ANYWAY, when they had the babies I totally couldn't even wait to get my People magazine in the mail, I had to go to the bookstore and buy a copy and ..."

His eyes resembled those of a caged animal's, but bless his heart, he only signaled me once. "I'm sorry, it's just ... I don't really follow social commentary," he said sheepishly in that lovely British accent of his when I was done. "Oh, you should," I said. "You REALLY should. You have NO IDEA what you're missing out on." So he promised to start flipping through People magazine, and then he told me about his mum and I thought it was just the cutest thing ever.

And there you go. I am going to be a much, much better blogger now, I promise. (For REAL this time! No boxes = no blogging hiatuses.) Have a good weekend, everyone!


At 4:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

frickin' A. sounds really, really fun.

At 8:02 AM, Blogger Nut Nut said...

Not such a bad move, now is it? Not that I know what I'm really talking about. Sounds like you've made a great life for yourself with your move!

At 8:44 AM, Blogger Bina said...

God you crack me up! My friend and I went to a training/demo thing in Alabama and we wrote notes back and forth and were picking people out in the converance room who looked like people we work with, and there were about 7 of them and one looked EXACTLY like a guy we work with. No neck and everything!

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Patti said...

i read co-worker's part with a british accent. it rocked.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Mandy said...

Yay for fun co-workers and less cardboard! Glad that things are going well for you. No new develops with hot neighbor guy? Have a great weekend yourself!

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Kristabella said...

At my old job, in the sales training sessions, they would always do that listening test too, where you had to talk for two minutes. That was always my favorite part, listening to people talk about the most random crap!

At 1:39 PM, Blogger dragonfly said...

Hilarious! I want to go to all my seminars with you now. Mine don't end up half as much fun.

Congrats on getting the boxes out!

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Your two minute dialogue cracked me up! Reminded me of Kelly's Netflix bit from last season's office ("And Jim, you win b/c she named 7 romantic comedies")

Sounds like this move was a great decision :)

At 3:25 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

coworker sounds like fun.

At 6:03 PM, Blogger Melek said...

hahahahaha...omg, you and i would get along great at a conference. that's all i want to do is snicker at the speaker and pass notes. and update my FB status on my iphone.

love that you inundated him with Brangelina info! poor guy was like a deer in headlights i'm sure.

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

It sounds like this job is really working out for you. You can always use those co-workers, can't you? :)

And I needed you when they did the sexual harrassment seminar at my work. REALLY needed you. Or your co-worker.

At 11:59 PM, Blogger MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 1:12 AM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

How can you be so funny at 3:49 a.m.?

At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

how fun is that!

i need to just SURROUND my life with people like you.

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Beth said...

ahhhhhh, My Swishy is BACK people!!!! SHE'S BACK!!!!!

so, I am DYING to see some new pictures of Knox and Viv.....come on, we gotta see if they look like Shiloh! And I was looking in a vacation catalog, looking for a house to rent for vacation, and there was an ocean-front house named "Shiloh"!!!!! I SOOOOOOOO want to rent it it, but it's like $8000 for a WEEK! HELLO!!! my husband is a cop, not Donald Trump!

I love you Swishy Girl....now about that cute coworker......

At 2:55 PM, Blogger The Gang's All Here! said...

Laundry. Dishes. Breakfast. Poopy diaper. Laundry. Dishes. Lunch. Bottle for nap. Cook Dinner. Laundry Dinner. Bottle for bed. Laundry. Dishes. Breakfast. Poopy Diaper. . .

Your life is enthralling to me. Fascinating and oh so exciting. Please don't stop blogging. I need the thrill.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger kim said...

Don't date the neighbor -- if it ends bad you'll have issues.

...I'm just sayin'

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

TOTALLY not gonna ... don't worry :)

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Betty said...

We all need coworkers like yours. And you. Now more than ever we need to lighten up and turn on the humor. And be 12.


At 2:15 AM, Anonymous dimples said...

a) you do have cute feet. b) stop talking to guys. c) thanks.

At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for emailing me back!

Who's DIMPLES?!!??!!?

At 1:30 AM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

Seminars totally suck. You gotta take your fun where you can get it.

At 9:49 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Welcome back :)

I'll give you credit...when you go on hiatus you come back with some FINE blog material. Glad to hear you found a place to make your toes cute in your new hood!

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

I would totally love to hang out in a work seminar with you. We would have SO much fun!

angelawd: the writer gets the last word

At 2:33 PM, Anonymous courtney said...

I want to hang out with you and your coworker! You sound like so much fun!


Post a Comment

<< Home