Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

It's a holiday extravaganza!

Good news: I did not get buried alive under the alleged 18 FREAKING INCHES OF SNOW we got over the weekend (although I did manage to get myself sort of stuck in a snowdrift on the way home from work on unplowed roads. Thank you, random person who pulled over to help me, subsequently got frustrated at my steering and personally took over the wheel while I stood in the snow and watched!)

Good news: Even though I continue to boycott winter by stubbornly refusing to wear proper cold-weather attire, I have not cracked any limbs slipping while walking on icy sidewalks in heels. Yet.

Good news: I finally cleared away a ton of crap in my apartment. I have the random box scattered here and there, and the whole place is still a little bit of a mess and my schedule is still COMPLETELY jacked but ... I can see my bed again! So I'm getting there. 2009 will TOTALLY be the return of Swishy and random coffee shop sightings, you can take that to the bank and get it turned into quarters.

In the meantime, it's time for a very overdue contest. I planned a sentimental "Goodbye to TRL" post a few weeks ago, but you know ... moving, unpacking, sucking at life, blah blah blah. TRL, for those of you who had better things to do 10 years ago than watch MTV (anyone?), was the show that gave Carson Daly his big break and at least partially was responsible for launching Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, 98 Degrees, Hanson, Christina Aguilera ... you know, all the great musical acts of the latter part of the 20th century.

Anyway, my friend and I used to watch TRL EVERY DAY back in the day. They would replay it at 9 p.m. and we'd sit in front of the TV and say things to each other like, "How old do you think Britney Spears really is?" or "Nick Lachey is the hottest boxer EVER!" while we ate ice cream in our PJs. It's one of the fondest pop culture memories I have, and believe you me, there are many.

No one's watched TRL in like eight years, including yours truly, but it ended a couple of weeks ago, and in its honor, I made a very special TRL CD that I will be giving away to a very special commenter (or two or three) during this very special holiday season. Listen to it and be instantly transported to a kinder, gentler time in American history, a time when Britney was still dating her soulmate Justin, when Christina was just a genie in a bottle, when Fred Durst was doing it all for the nookie. It's a POP CULTURE TIME CAPSULE!

But wait! That's not all! I'm also finally going to give away a CD for this post (which means, go add a song and maybe it'll get on there since I haven't made it yet!). That's not one, but two CDs, plus maybe, just maybe, a fun holiday goodie or two thrown in.

See? I am not SUCH a loser blogger! I'll draw a couple names at the end of the week. Have a great holiday, everyone!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Miss Crankypants

That would be me. In no particular order, the things that are making me cranky these days:

* I have become a complete loser blog slacker, something I swore I would never do because I hate, hate, HATE when I read blogs and people never post. (I am gonna stop slacking staaaaarting ... now. For real, for real!)

* I have zero routine. Part of this is because everything is still new, part of it is because my work schedule has bounced all over the place and I'm having a hard time keeping up. I HATE not having a schedule. I know that makes me sound anal, and unless you knew me well, you probably would never guess that about me, but oh, my gosh, fewer things make me crazier. I used to get a TON done and now I get NOTHING done.

* I've barely worked out since I moved here and I haven't worked out at all since I moved into my apartment, which makes me all antsy. (Yet I've lost four pounds, which believe me, does not motivate me ONE BIT to start up again. It's probably all muscle and water, but still. Still!)

* I have gotten absolutely no Christmas shopping done. I have barely even thought about it. Christmas? What's Christmas?

* I haven't picked up my mail from the post office in like a week and a half because it's always closed when I go. I'm starting to get mail at my apartment, but not all of it ... just ask Verizon. (The bill is IN THE MAIL! I swear!)

* I have about a zillion things left to unpack and I'm still sleeping on the couch.

* I haven't been to the DMV yet because I hate the DMV and I have no time to go anyway, but it stresses me out to drive around with expired plates. Also, it stresses me out to look at that stupid cracked mirror every time I get in my car.

* I lost my thing to log into work email from home and I can't find it ANYWHERE and I just KNOW they will think I'm a total flake if I tell them I lost it.

* I have wood floors, and there's a big scratch in the living room. I saw it the day I moved in, and I asked the movers about it, and they swore it wasn't them. And you know what, I kind of believed them, because I watched them carry stuff in and everything with edges was covered. So I didn't file a claim with the moving company, but for some reason lately I am SO PARANOID about that stupid scratch. I even had a dream about it last night, that my landlord saw it and flipped out and wouldn't give me back my deposit, even though it's entirely possible it's been there forever and I just didn't notice it when I looked at the place. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHO DREAMS ABOUT THAT STUFF? WHY CAN'T I DREAM ABOUT HOT SEXY HOTTIES INSTEAD? So I spent like a half hour tonight Googling how to remove scratches. Did you know you can fix a scratch by melting a crayon and mixing it with lemon juice and oil? Who knew? I am scared to try it, though, because I am not MacGyver. I might try this instead.

* I have been thinking a lot about life and change and people and choices. It's all complicated stuff that sometimes makes me sad, which is sort of an offshoot of cranky.

* It was very weird going back last week. It was great and fun but I felt a little bit like I had one foot in one life and one foot in the other. I felt like I hadn't moved, like I'd just been on a really long business trip or something. I've been a little off-kilter since. It's a really strange feeling.

Basically, I think I'm just having a hard time feeling settled. I'm off today, so I'll be able to get a lot done (I hope). In the meantime, these things are helping me feel a little less cranky:

* My hair. I can get away with sloppy hair for like a week after I get it cut, which means more sleep for me. BIG yay on that one.

* On the plane, I (finally) finished reading Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris. It's so good, such a perfect book about office life.

* The Bonnie Hunt Show. Please, someone, tell me you have seen her show. She is just the nicest, funniest, most genuine person in the world, and it always makes me a little happy to see even just a couple minutes of her show.

* My DVR. I FINALLY have a DVR and it is merely the BEST THING EVER even though I haven't had time to watch anything on it yet.

* Nice, awesome people like all of you. Thank you for listening, I feel less cranky already. Have a great day, everyone!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I probably think this song is about me

When I was getting ready to move, people were like, oh, that's sad, we're going to miss you, and I was like, nah, I'll be back all the time. And they were like, yeah, yeah, whatever, everyone says that, and I was like, no, you don't understand ... I cannot HANDLE finding a new hairdresser. I WILL be back.

So. Guess where I am right now. Ha ha ha ha.

I flew in this morning (I went to bed at 4:30 and got up at 6!!! The lengths I go to to get rid of split ends!!!). I'm hanging out with my friends, getting my hair cut tomorrow and then flying back early Friday in time for work. My coworkers think I am absolutely certifiable, but in my defense, I DID have an airline credit I had to use and I DO want to see everyone, so it's not TOTALLY totally crazy. Just a little crazy. And I'm sorry, but moving and getting settled and making new friends and learning a new job is emotionally taxing enough, I can't throw a bad haircut in there on top of it. How much emotional trauma and upheaval do you expect one girl to handle???

Go ahead, make fun of me, I don't care. But listen, I had permed hair in middle school. I had horrible teased bangs. I had hair dye attempts gone terribly wrong in college. I have had a LIFETIME of bad hair. It's time to end the cycle, even if that means getting on a plane on an hour's sleep to get my hair cut by the girl it took me three, yes, THREE YEARS to find after I moved here.

(The big question is what I'll do two months from now when I DON'T have an airline credit. It'll be like Sophie's Choice. Swishy's Choice, today on the Lifetime Movie Network!)

Almost as exciting, guess where I am RIGHT THIS SECOND. That's right, my coffee shop, and it's like I never left. My booth was here waiting for me, the great CDs that were playing two months ago are still playing and the chocolate chip cookies taste exactly the same.

Ahhhhhhhhhh. All I need is the CIA agent.

Friday, December 05, 2008

La vida loca

Answers to frequently asked questions ...

No, I am not dead.
No, I am not trapped under a pile of packing paper.
No, Brad and Angelina did not summon me to their chalet to help with the kids.
No, I have not built a love nest for two with the hot new neighbor.
No, I have not abandoned my blog to work for the CIA.

I did, however, finally get rid of quite a few boxes, which is a miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea and a comeback by Britney Spears. It is a HUGE relief and I totally went and got a pedicure for my nasty feet today to celebrate. (I was walking around outside in flip-flops afterward and a guy stopped me--since, you know, it's FREEZING out--and goes, "You just got your nails done, didn't you?" Why, yes, yes, I did, I said, and he was all, "I can tell. They look goooooooooood." I was like, thank you very much, foot fetish man!)

(The place is still trashed, by the way, and I'm still sleeping on the couch because I'm too damn lazy to clear off the bed. But at least it's not trashed with CARDBOARD.)

I also had a development seminar for work this week, during which I learned two very important things:

No. 1: I am 12 years old.
No. 2: So is my coworker.

Exhibit A:
About two hours in, we start passing notes.
Me: You should get a lizard or something. You could teach it tricks.
Him: You're on drugs. (A minute later.) Can I buy some?

Him (after seeing me check my messages and write down a number for Steve the moving guy): Is Steve hot?
Me: Sizzling! (surrounded by little squiggle lines)
Him: More sizzle than Coworker B?
Me: Is that even possible?
Coworker gets out his phone and takes a picture of our paper as "evidence" for the rest of the department that I "like" Coworker B.

Exhibit B:
Coworker changes my name placard to say "Mrs. Coworker B."

Exhibit C:
Speaker: No person likes to be dominated.
I start giggling.
Coworker (whispering): You. Are. HORRIBLE!

Speaker: OK, now let's spend two minutes on "buts".
Coworker starts snickering.
Me: YOU'RE horrible!

Exhibit D:
Coworker draws a line across my paper. I can't stand having a random line across the middle of my paper, so I make it into a mountain with a little stick figure skier. Coworker adds a pine tree. Stick figure skier dies. Then we play tic tac toe.

At one point, we had to practice our listening skills by partnering up and listening to the other person talk uninterrupted for two minutes. Every time we glanced away or stopped paying attention for a second, we had to make a signal, which was to help us be more aware of being "present" in conversations.

"Are you going to have a hard time talking for two minutes straight?" asked my partner, a charming young Brit with an oh-so-charming British accent to match. I was like, oh, you sweet boy, you have no idea.

I think we all know what I talked about.

"So," I said, taking a breath, "you know Brad and Angelina, right? I am FASCINATED with them. I just stayed in this place with the crappiest cable ever, so I could only watch that one show on, I don't know what channel it is, CNBC or CNN or MSNBC or something like that. Anyway. Every single night they talked about Brad and Angelina and I TOTALLY wanted to call in but I didn't, but ... wait, I should backtrack. Have you ever seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith? OH. MY. GOSH. You can totally, TOTALLY see the part where they fall for each other, I saw it in the movie theater and I completely freaked out and smacked my friend's arm, like, OH. MY. GOSH. DO. YOU. SEE. THE. WAY. HE. LOOKED. AT HER!!!!!! They're outside, and they're drinking tequila, and they're dancing in the rain, and the next morning she thinks he's gone, but he's not, he went to go get coffee and he's sitting by the window and he looks at her and she looks at him and OH MY FREAKING GOODNESS IT'S LIKE CRAZY SUPER HOT and ANYWAY, when they had the babies I totally couldn't even wait to get my People magazine in the mail, I had to go to the bookstore and buy a copy and ..."

His eyes resembled those of a caged animal's, but bless his heart, he only signaled me once. "I'm sorry, it's just ... I don't really follow social commentary," he said sheepishly in that lovely British accent of his when I was done. "Oh, you should," I said. "You REALLY should. You have NO IDEA what you're missing out on." So he promised to start flipping through People magazine, and then he told me about his mum and I thought it was just the cutest thing ever.

And there you go. I am going to be a much, much better blogger now, I promise. (For REAL this time! No boxes = no blogging hiatuses.) Have a good weekend, everyone!