Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, September 08, 2008

I will never get those hours back, EVER

I love awards shows. If they had an awards show for, I don't know, toilet bowl-cleaning and toenail-picking, I'd be all, pass the popcorn! Hand me the JuJuBees!

But, oh, oh, OH! MY! GOSH! What a freaking debacle the VMAs were this year. Last year was a train wreck, but at least a train wreck is mildly entertaining in a sick "wait ... is that a body part? it IS a body part!" sort of way. There was NO entertainment value, morbid or otherwise, in this show. ZERO. It was horrible. And yes, I watched the whole thing, and no, I don't really care to reflect on what that says about me as a person. Let's just focus on the horrible terribleness that was the VMAs.

* Russell Brand = not funny. AT ALL. I'm not a stingy person when it comes to laughs, but I did not laugh once. And I WANTED to laugh! I did! I liked his commercials! Plus everything is at least 10 percent funnier/more clever/generally more awesome when said with a British accent, so he had that going for him, too. All he had to do was be funny! Just a little!

* Michael Phelps might look good in a Speedo but, oh, my goodness, is he going to be terrible on SNL this weekend.

* Kanye West ... what in the hell WAS that? I mean, really, can someone please tell me what that was? Also, please feel free to explain the flashing red heart on his lapel, because I don't get that either.

* Why was Christina Aguilera trying to be Britney Spears in that performance? Why would she lip-synch when she sounds good live? And the cameltoe? WHY, Christina, WHY?

* Britney's big comeback, the one that was going to propel her back into the pop culture elite, the one that--this is a real quote--was her "opportunity to start over again," was a 90-second skit with Jonah Hill at the beginning followed by her 15-second introduction of Rihanna? SERIOUSLY? Not even a tiny little bit of a performance? A duet? Anything? Maybe they were referring to the three, count 'em, THREE awards she won for a video no one saw. NICE FIX, MTV. Do you think we're stupid? WE'RE NOT STUPID!

Why do I even care. Why do I even care. I don't care. Not really. But seriously. The Hills and The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Those are the only two things MTV has going for it anymore. Sigh. I do SO love The Hills.

26 Comments:

At 3:33 AM, Blogger House of Jules said...

Giiiirrrrrllllll, You know I was waiting for your take on the VMAs. IT. WAS. HORRIBLE. I love Russell Brand's stand-up act (because he's SO cheeky/naughty/saucy) but he was not himself on the live VMAs because he couldn't be. Trust me on that. I couldn't believe it when I heard they hired him because that man is a loose cannon and I assume they had his man parts under lock & key somewhere until after the show in trade for good behavior on the airwaves. It was truly awful. I twittered throughout, and will have an entire post dedicated to those tweets on Tuesday.

Britney looked great but this just goes to show how low our expectations of her were. Oh yeah, "she's back!!!!" Whatever.

When Christina came on, lip-syncing into the microphone, I started yelling at my TV. She's the one person booked on that show that's a natural talent and she wasn't singing live? WTF? Okay, Leona Lewis is good, too, but by then my attention span was waning and I left the room every few minutes just to get away from the banality of it all; this coming from someone who is a Hills and VH1 trash TV addict.

As for Kanye's lapel pin, I died laughing when I saw it because all I could think of was E.T. Then I started singing into the phone at my friend Jen. The song? Neil Diamond's theme from E.T.: "Turn on your heartlight! Let it shine whereever you go, let it make a happy glow, for all the world to see!"

VMAs=The Suck.

The brightest moment of the night was the commercial for Rock of Love Charm School! Sharon Osbourne's gonna host! HEY OOOOHHHH!

Jules
House of Jules

 
At 3:43 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

TOTALLY TOTALLY aaaaaaaaaand TOTALLY!!! You are completely in my head, I totally thought the same things. Britney DID look good, so good for her. But she should have gotten up there and lip-synched like the rest of them.

Ha ha, love your comment about Russell's man parts under lock and key. And the heartlight! ha ha ha.

 
At 4:06 AM, Blogger House of Jules said...

If you aren't already a FourFour addict like I am, you MUST read Rich's take on the show. It's perfect:
Click here! I love him.

Jules
House of Jules

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

I almost watched, but now I'm glad I didn't waste my time.

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger DeeMarie said...

I'm with Jenster. I was actually feeling bad because I spent time with my family instead of watching it... I mean, I would watch an awards show about the best awards shows!! (right with you, Swish), so I felt very guilty about missing it- until now. Thanks for the synopsis. It doesn't seem like I missed much! :)

 
At 9:13 AM, Blogger Melek said...

yeah, i saw about 5 min of Russell Brand, and i was like "why'd they hire THIS guy. and who IS he anyway?"

i usually enjoy the VMAs, but this year we flipped back and forth just to see if anyone worth watching was on. i think my BF secretly loves Miley Cyrus, so he was waiting to see her :)

 
At 9:42 AM, Blogger kk said...

I didn't watch, but have heard nothing but awful things about them...

how could it be 25 years and they didn't do one tribute or even clips from the past years?

don't think about all of the things you could have been doing during that time, it will just depress you.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Thanks for confirming my choice here. After losing HOURS of my life watching Olympic Beach Volleyball like I was chained to the TV (and WHY? I didn't care then, and I don't care now...) the VMAs seemed like a bad thing to get sucked into.

I'm sorry for your suffering...thanks for reporting back! Maybe next year you can have a VMA party, so at least you won't be alone with the horror?

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Candy said...

Russell Brand = not funny

I agree.

100%

and yes....Christina is AMAZING life. I have often wondered how that voice comes out of that tiny little body.

I don't get it.

so disappointing.

 
At 12:27 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Thank you, Swishy, for sacrificing yoruself for us. Thanks to you I didn't have to watch that boringness.

What has happened to the world?? The VMAs and MTV used to be some of the best things about even having a TV.

And am I the only person who thinks Russell Brand is hot? Nobody mentioned that.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Beth said...

swish, I SO need your phone number! We HAVE to watch these crap shows together!!!! I watched the beginning just to see BritBrit, and i have to admit...girlfriend looked GOOD! Almost as good as she used to look,...before Kevin, ya know?

and Russel Brand? WHO THE HELL IS HE ANYWAY AND WHY WAS HE THE HOST???!! He was SO NOT funny. I shut it off after RiRi...what was that???! I like her and all, but sometimes she is just a little too....twisted for me.

so I didn't get to see Christina's camel toe, or Kanye(who I hate anyway)or anyone else. They were boring!!

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Nut Nut said...

I watched maybe 20 seconds of the beginning, then moved right along to VH1, which was just telling people they should be watching MTV.

Then I moved on to BBC America to watch 5 minutes of some bizarro documentary about men who have "Real Dolls" (mannequins made with all the lady parts, thank you very much). Now I must watch the first 55 minutes of said kooky documentary. So much better than VMAs!

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Bina said...

The the heavens I didn't watch it! I have feeling you just gave us all the good parts anyway!

And I can't stand when singers lip sync! To me it means they suck, but the music makes them sound better .... and I won't mention names here.

Camel toe!!! For REAL!!!! What a moron. Surely to God she knows better. I mean, shes a mother now!!!!!!

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Elle Charlie said...

I didn't even know they were on! I am the lamest unemployed person ever! I mean, what else am I doing all day that I can't keep my nighttime tv schedule up-to-date?! Oh well. I didn't know Michael Phelps was going to be on SNL. Yeah, I can't see that going so well...

THAT I will watch. Or at the very least TiVo.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger cubmommy said...

I couldn't bring myself to watch it. I was very tempted but the past VMA's have been lame.

Thank you for watching and telling us about it.

 
At 9:04 PM, Blogger michelle said...

i only watched the start of the show for britney ... and i was disappointed. she looked amazing, but beyond that ... *meh*.

plus, it looked like they held the show in my high school's auditorium ... again with the *meh*.

they should rename them the video meh awards ... oh, i'm so funny. ;)

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger CelticBuffy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger CelticBuffy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger CelticBuffy said...

Whew! Let's try this one more time! I had to delete my first two comments due to poor spelling! :)

Thank you for making me feel not so bad for missing the VMA's this year!

Drop on by my blog and check out today's post. There's an award for you waiting there!

8:57 PM

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

I just clicked through 64 photos of what they wore and didn't know anyone but Brit and Christina, so that tells you why I didn't watch. Well, I knew the Olympic swimmer, but what was he doing there anyway??

But your "DO THEY THINK WE'RE STUPID" sentence reminds me that you promised to post on another topic. Please don't forget to do that, ok? It will be so funny, I just know it. Please please?

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Patti said...

i can't believe i didn't watch this, but after all the reviews i am glad i passed.

in a week or so i'll be crying about the end of big brother. this is a show that should be on continuously. love the drama....and am missing renny.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

I can't stand watching award shows. I figure, I can see the clips online or E! if everyone is buzzing about specific parts.

That Brand guy---saw clips of him...agree w/ you. NOT FUNNY.

 
At 7:05 PM, Anonymous Ree said...

No! Christina and camel-toe???? Oh my breaking heart.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Yeah, they sucked, and that Russell dude, at the beginning talking about masterbation and condoms ... Diva asked me, "Mom, what's a condom?" I said, "It's something men wear so they don't make babies."

"How do they wear them?"

"Um, I didn't learn about a condom till I was in fifth grade so I'll tell you next year. And don't tell your brothers we had this conversation."

Ugh, Horrible host!

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger Kristabella said...

I was so glad the Bears game was on and I watched the VMAs on tape. I have yet to see Kanye's performance because the show ran long and my DVR stopped taping.

Last year I watched it because f Britney and it turned out to be entertaining. But it was the first time I had watched in like 7 years. Now I remember why. I am too old for the VMAs.

Did you watch the RR/RW Challenge tonight? I'm not sure I like the Survivor thing.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger Samara Leigh said...

So glad that I didn't take time out to watch the show. My sympathies go out to you for having to endure the pain. But, thanks for taking one for the team. I appreciate the comprehensive synopsis. I can now safely delete from my DVR.

 

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