I will never get those hours back, EVER
I love awards shows. If they had an awards show for, I don't know, toilet bowl-cleaning and toenail-picking, I'd be all, pass the popcorn! Hand me the JuJuBees!
But, oh, oh, OH! MY! GOSH! What a freaking debacle the VMAs were this year. Last year was a train wreck, but at least a train wreck is mildly entertaining in a sick "wait ... is that a body part? it IS a body part!" sort of way. There was NO entertainment value, morbid or otherwise, in this show. ZERO. It was horrible. And yes, I watched the whole thing, and no, I don't really care to reflect on what that says about me as a person. Let's just focus on the horrible terribleness that was the VMAs.
* Russell Brand = not funny. AT ALL. I'm not a stingy person when it comes to laughs, but I did not laugh once. And I WANTED to laugh! I did! I liked his commercials! Plus everything is at least 10 percent funnier/more clever/generally more awesome when said with a British accent, so he had that going for him, too. All he had to do was be funny! Just a little!
* Michael Phelps might look good in a Speedo but, oh, my goodness, is he going to be terrible on SNL this weekend.
* Kanye West ... what in the hell WAS that? I mean, really, can someone please tell me what that was? Also, please feel free to explain the flashing red heart on his lapel, because I don't get that either.
* Why was Christina Aguilera trying to be Britney Spears in that performance? Why would she lip-synch when she sounds good live? And the cameltoe? WHY, Christina, WHY?
* Britney's big comeback, the one that was going to propel her back into the pop culture elite, the one that--this is a real quote--was her "opportunity to start over again," was a 90-second skit with Jonah Hill at the beginning followed by her 15-second introduction of Rihanna? SERIOUSLY? Not even a tiny little bit of a performance? A duet? Anything? Maybe they were referring to the three, count 'em, THREE awards she won for a video no one saw. NICE FIX, MTV. Do you think we're stupid? WE'RE NOT STUPID!
Why do I even care. Why do I even care. I don't care. Not really. But seriously. The Hills and The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Those are the only two things MTV has going for it anymore. Sigh. I do SO love The Hills.