Freaking out a little
(Mildly serious, "I'm in the throes of an existential crisis" post to follow.)
All right. So you remember all the drama of this and this, otherwise known as "Swishy blows up her life in an idealistic but hopefully not ill-fated quest for something more." I have been feeling pretty guilty I haven't written more about it the past couple of months. The reason is, while it's been empowering and proactive and all that great stuff, it's also been much, MUCH harder than I thought it would be and sometimes it's hard for me to talk about or explain. There have been some days where I've been completely good and a lot of days where I've cried and cried. It's less about not having opportunities and more about having too many, maybe. And it's definitely about me and my personality and how absolutely, gut-wrenchingly hard it is for me to let go of things, including the "perfect" scenarios I have in my head. I'm probably one of the most sensitive people I know, definitely the most sentimental, and ughhhh I swear I make things harder on myself sometimes because of it.
Anyway. I have been spending some time writing, which in some ways was sort of the whole point of this little adventure, and it's been challenging but rewarding and hopefully will become even more rewarding someday. I also have been looking for a new job, and I got a very good offer a couple of days ago. It's with a very large media company (and when I say very large, I mean VERY, as in every single one of you has heard of it). It's a good company, it's good financially, total job security, nice people, lots of room and encouragement to move up and grow. Which is all big, especially in this economy. Buuuut (there's always a but, isn't there?) ... it's not quite the perfect job (it's a little more money but a little less responsibility than I'm used to) and it's not quite the perfect location (a thousand miles away, in a city that feels TOTALLY random to me). I can make them both OK in my head ... a little less responsibility gives me a little more time to work on other long-term stuff I want to do, and I get into a massive company that promises I'll be able to move around, one that has massive sister companies I also could work for someday. The location itself isn't perfect, but it's close to a lot of places that ARE good, and it's not necessarily permanent. And blah blah blah.
The point is, even though it's a great opportunity and I'm very grateful to have it, it's another leap. And I sort of knew that quitting my job wasn't the only leap I was going to have to make, but ohhh, I HATE leaping. HATE IT!
I love my friends. I love my apartment. I love my cute little coffee shop. I love where I work out. I love that finally, FINALLY, I can drive in all directions and not get lost. When I moved here, I had been here once in my life (on my 24-hour interview, most of which was spent either at the airport or the office) and did not know one single solitary person in the whole city. I was young and STUPID and it was all a little bit of a nightmare, at least for the first year or so. It is HARD to move somewhere by yourself, especially to a place where you don't know anybody. I sort of think everyone should do it once, because it really does "build character" or whatever dumb cliche you want to use, but it is definitely not in the "fun" column of things to do in your lifetime.
But then I'm like, OK, I learned from the last time, it doesn't have to be like that again. I totally went on all those stupid websites that list book clubs and restaurant clubs and cooking clubs, and I swear to you I'd go to every single one of them and make you read about every single socially inept person there. I'd take my sewing machine out of the box and finally learn how to make potholders. I'd knit a scarf, and work out all the time, and watch every single new show on TV. And, you know, go to work occasionally. So ... it'd be OK, right?
But it's not the same. And the same is what drove me crazy sometimes, but the same can also be sort of nice, especially when you're scared to death of change and of doing the wrong thing.
I sound schizophrenic, don't I? I feel a little schizophrenic. Anyway, don't get me wrong, it's very exciting, but you know, it's stressful. Then again, I feel like the last decade of my life has been stressful, so maybe that is just life as a grown-up.
You have to promise me one thing, though. I promise I won't pull any disappearing acts when I'm stressed if you promise you'll be patient while I drag my angsty little self through the next few months. I will try to be funny and positive, I promise, but no matter what, I will totally totally totally need you guys. Otherwise I might, like, accost the guy in the coffee shop with hugs and tears and, really, I don't need to add a mental hospital or jail stay to the mix right now. I've got to save SOMETHING for '09, right?