At least it doesn't land on my balcony
(Quick aside: All right, I know I said that Russell Brand was unfunny on the VMAs, and he was, VERY unfunny. But he redeemed himself last night on Craig Ferguson. I would watch a reality show starring the two of them, yes, I would, and bask in the fluorescent glow of laughter and fantastic European accents. My favorite part, Russell on surfing: "It's unnatural! Who looks out at a big, blue, wavy ocean and says, 'Ooh, I'd like to stand on that'? It's cheeky!" IT'S CHEEKY, he says. Ha ha ha.)
Anyway, on to bigger (not really) and better (definitely not) topics. A very disturbing trend has emerged at Casa Swishy the past few months (yes, MONTHS). Every single night, at the very same time, my neighbor goes out onto his balcony. He goes out there and, very loudly, very showily, hacks up phlegm and blows snot out of his nose and engages in whatever other disgusting bronchial activities he can think of. It is vile and disgusting and you KNOW I had to sneak outside and tape it to share with all of you.
(Forget it. The stupid, stupid file won't convert right, so while the video works--big freaking deal, it was dark outside and I was being sneaky so you can't see anything anyway--the audio does not. Use your fantastic imaginations while I take out my frustrations on my computer, kitchen utensils or, perhaps, the phlegm-spewing neighbor himself.)
Anyway. It is disgusting, and one night I said as much. I was in my bedroom and the window was open and I was cranky, maybe even crying, I don't remember, but I was definitely cranky, and he was making that gross phlegmy sound over and over and finally I turned toward the window and yelled, "THAT'S DISGUSTING!" And then I buried my head under a pillow all scared, as if he could see me through the closed blinds. There was this long pause, this quiet pause fraught with phlegmy tension, and then I heard him say, "What?" And then I decided the pillow wasn't protection enough so I ran and half-hid under the bed instead.
I don't understand. This isn't a cold. This isn't an exceptionally bad run of allergies. This is ... just gross. He's out there doing it again, right this very second. I know. If I just ruined your bowl of Cheerios, I'm sorry.