Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

At least it doesn't land on my balcony

(Quick aside: All right, I know I said that Russell Brand was unfunny on the VMAs, and he was, VERY unfunny. But he redeemed himself last night on Craig Ferguson. I would watch a reality show starring the two of them, yes, I would, and bask in the fluorescent glow of laughter and fantastic European accents. My favorite part, Russell on surfing: "It's unnatural! Who looks out at a big, blue, wavy ocean and says, 'Ooh, I'd like to stand on that'? It's cheeky!" IT'S CHEEKY, he says. Ha ha ha.)

Anyway, on to bigger (not really) and better (definitely not) topics. A very disturbing trend has emerged at Casa Swishy the past few months (yes, MONTHS). Every single night, at the very same time, my neighbor goes out onto his balcony. He goes out there and, very loudly, very showily, hacks up phlegm and blows snot out of his nose and engages in whatever other disgusting bronchial activities he can think of. It is vile and disgusting and you KNOW I had to sneak outside and tape it to share with all of you.


(Forget it. The stupid, stupid file won't convert right, so while the video works--big freaking deal, it was dark outside and I was being sneaky so you can't see anything anyway--the audio does not. Use your fantastic imaginations while I take out my frustrations on my computer, kitchen utensils or, perhaps, the phlegm-spewing neighbor himself.)

Anyway. It is disgusting, and one night I said as much. I was in my bedroom and the window was open and I was cranky, maybe even crying, I don't remember, but I was definitely cranky, and he was making that gross phlegmy sound over and over and finally I turned toward the window and yelled, "THAT'S DISGUSTING!" And then I buried my head under a pillow all scared, as if he could see me through the closed blinds. There was this long pause, this quiet pause fraught with phlegmy tension, and then I heard him say, "What?" And then I decided the pillow wasn't protection enough so I ran and half-hid under the bed instead.

I don't understand. This isn't a cold. This isn't an exceptionally bad run of allergies. This is ... just gross. He's out there doing it again, right this very second. I know. If I just ruined your bowl of Cheerios, I'm sorry.


At 6:09 AM, Blogger House of Jules said...

I'm SO happy you saw Russell Brand in his natural state of being: HILARIOUS & CHARMING. I just love him! I can't stand Jay Leno, but the handful of times Russell has been on The Late Show, he's actually made Jay watchable.

Your neighbor IS disgusting. That is just awful. Too bad Russell Brand can't come over & do some stand-up on your balcony aimed at your neighbor. Bet that would solve the problem immediately.
House of Jules

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Trish said...


Hokking loogies is just the most disgusting thing ever . . . why do guys need to do this?? It's like they are genetically hard-wired to spit and can't stop. I just wish they would do it in the shower and spare the rest of us.


At 9:47 AM, Blogger Melek said...

hahahah...you crack me up. hiding under your pillow....

and yeah, why can't he just run a hot shower and use the steam to loosen 'things' up, then spit it out in there? gross. what's below you anyway? is he spitting onto cars or just the grass? either way, i'm betting he lives alone or with other guys bc i can't imagine his girl would let him do that. disgusting.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Beth said...

it's so gross, but my husband does this, all. the. time. He has very very bad sinuses and the snot that comes outta that manis disgusting...always spitting...yuk.

It's so gross!

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

I laughed my butt off at Russell Brand on Craig Ferga-however-you-spell-it. That seems like his element. I couldn't even watch the VMAs.

And your neighbor is nasty. Or as Gracie would say it, NAYSTAAAAY.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Oh no...that's just awful. And if he could hear you enough to ask, "What?" then WHY OH WHY isn't it occurring to him that you can hear him making that hokking noise???


At 4:15 PM, Blogger kk said...


Love that he heard you!

have you seen him in the daylight since???

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Oh I am so very glad that the video didn't work. I couldn't have watched it anyway. That very sound absolutely grosses me out. Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I'd keep up with the reminders that that's gross. Maybe signage where he'd see it?

At 10:40 PM, Blogger Elle Charlie said...

That is pretty gross.

You'd think that, even if he didn't hear what you said, just realizing he could hear something coming from someone's house might make him think that maybe people can also hear him! Does he realize this? Is that the appeal?

At 11:36 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

So gross. Why doesn't he go into his bathroom and shut the door?

At 12:11 AM, Blogger Kristabella said...

I am dying over here picturing you hiding because that is so something I would have done. The yelling and the hiding.

When I lived in CA and the Cubs were in the playoffs, I yelled really loud one night and my neighbor was all "SHUT UP!" And in a moment of bravery I yelled back "FUCK YOU!" And then shut off the lights in my house and turned off the TV.

That is so disgusting I can't even put it into words. WHY OUTSIDE?

At 8:56 AM, Blogger Woodland Family said...

HA!!! You know that's how I ended up getting married to my husband! They guy I was supposed to go out with came out of a soccer game and did it... and so I did NOT go out with him... I ended up going out with my future husband instead. HA! So Gross!!!!

At 12:19 PM, Blogger shopgirl said...

OMG - that IS gross. Next time he's out there - you could turn on some classical music to try to go along with the beat, or if it was me and I AM this sick, I'd turn on something quite nasty (ie adult film or at least skin-omax) and play it loudly while he's out there . . .

Of course - this is what I'd LIKE to do - IRL - I'd be under the bed too . . .

At 1:57 PM, Blogger kim said...

Thanks for posting the russell brand/ craig fergusen link -- they make a brilliant comedy team.

okay, and the neighbor? No.


At 7:31 PM, Blogger Barrie said...

Thankfully, i wasn't eating my cheerios. Or anything else for that matter. :)

At 12:21 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Is this the same guy who would go out there and smoke pot all the time? Maybe he's finally coughing up that blackened-tarred lung he infected.

What if he is your soulmate and in 75 years you'll be sitting on a floral davenport talking into the camera like on When Harry Met Sally telling everyone your true love story.

Could happen.

Now where is the photo of the mental guy walking down the street in the hospital gown!?!?!??

At 3:28 PM, Blogger Bina said...

Ha Ha! Yea, DISGUSTING! Wait till you are PMS'ing (if you do that) and then let him have it. From the look you'll no doubt have in your eyes, he won't say anything. Or, you could just threaten to throw up while he's out there. I mean, that would be LESS gross, but still.


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