Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Drama central

So ... I opened the new computer. And I hate it. It sounds like I am kidding, but I am TOTALLY serious, and yes, I was/am completely stressed out about it. I was sitting on my living room floor at like 4:30 in the morning the other night, surrounded by styrofoam and boxes and bubble wrap, going holy shit, this is a complete disaster and I am the biggest freaking idiot on the planet.

I am literally shaking my head right now. It stressed me out so much I seriously can't even talk about it, other than to say THANK GOODNESS they're going to let me return it and then (goody) I'll start the whole thing all over again.

Ahhhh. OK, I'm changing the subject now. So they're repaving all the parking by my apartment, and they're doing it in four stages. They put up all these flyers that are like, "On Tuesday, we're doing Section 1. If you don't move your car from Section 1 by 7 a.m. that day, your car will get towed." Which immediately makes me paranoid because that would SO be the kind of thing that would happen to me (see: practically any blog post I've ever written).

So it was supposed to go Sections 1-4, Monday-Thursday, but they fell behind, so Section 1 got done on Tuesday and Section 2 got done on Thursday. I usually park in Section 3. They didn't put up any new, updated Section 3 flyers, but I thought, OK, I'll just park in a different section to be safe. Well, I got home around 10:30 last night, and there was NO parking ANYWHERE. I drove around and around and finally found a spot at the end of Section 3. I told myself a thousand times, "It's fine, there are no flyers, it's fine, they're not going to tow you, it's fine."

Well. I get into bed at like 2, turn off the lights and then pop back up, suddenly CONVINCED I'm parked in a bad spot, and even if I set my alarm for 6:30 so I can move my car, I won't wake up, and my car will get towed and then I'll just have to hurl myself off the golden arches of the McDonald's down the street because at that point it'll be official that I completely suck at life. So I throw on some flip-flops, grab my keys (and cell phone to dial 911 in case I trip over a serial killer lurking in the bushes) and go outside.

Once outside, I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to accomplish. There are no more spots than there were three hours earlier; in fact, cars are lined up all along fire lanes and "do not park here" spots everywhere. So I basically just walk around, and can I just tell you, it was like the Secret Life of Apartment Living out there. First, the random guy unloading massive pieces of art out of the back of his SUV. At 2 a.m. On a weeknight. Inside the SUV, a splinted arm jutted in the air, connected to a lifeless body slumped in the passenger seat--my guess, someone who was shot and injured during the heist. "Do you know if they're repaving this part tomorrow?" I ask him. "No," he says, and starts grabbing the paintings faster. It's totally like The Thomas Crown Affair, only without Pierce Brosnan's charm and with Rene Russo, like, DEAD in the front seat. I clutch my keys so the pointy ends are facing out and start speedwalking away as fast as my flip-flops will let me.

A few minutes later, I bump into another guy. He doesn't know if they're repaving, either, but thinks I should be fine as long as I'm parked in a real spot (as opposed to the rebels in the fire lane spots). He tells me how he saw someone's car get towed that morning; I tell him about how my neighbor flew into a panic and raced outside at 8:30 just in time to move his. And then I remember it's the middle of the night and I'm standing outside in my pajamas with messy hair and no bra and I'm like, why I am even HAVING a conversation with another person right now.

But just then, there's a light. We turn, and it's a tow truck. A sneaky, stealthy, slowly-creeping-down-the-road tow truck, and we're like, WHAT is going on? The tow truck stops, and a guy jumps out with a super-high-powered flashlight and starts randomly PEEPING in some random, COMPLETELY LEGALLY PARKED PERSON's car!

My new friend: "I think that's a renegade tow truck."
Me: "Oh, my gosh, he's gonna STEAL something, isn't he?!?"

The guy jumps back into the tow truck and creeps along another few yards, and then starts peeking in someone ELSE'S car. And then someone ELSE'S! We watch as he goes all the way down to the end of the road, completely bypassing all of the questionably parked cars, and then turns around and drives back out.

NF: "That was really weird."
Me: "That WAS really weird." Pause. "I think I'm gonna go inside now."

And then I run inside. I am happy to report that I stumbled out in bare feet at 7:30 this morning to find my car still parked in its spot, next to a sign that said the paving will happen on Monday. Also, in completely unrelated news, my coffee shop gave me like free everything today and the Jolie-Pitt baby pictures are but a mere 48 hours away (supposedly 30 PAGES worth ... holy crap). So, you know. Computer debacle aside, there's that. Have a good weekend, everyone!


At 8:45 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

oh, wow... glad you weren't towed. Interesting people watching at your place at 2 AM!

Sorry that you hate your computer, that sucks.

At 10:22 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

So was your NF a cute NF??? And WHY, OH SWISHY WHY hath you not emaileth me of lateth? I worrieth of you, you knoweth!!!

Where for art thou, my sweet Swisheth!!!!

At 11:05 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Ohhh, I so feel your towing fear pain. I lived IN Chicago for enough years that I can tell you where the tow lot is under Wacker and on California and exactly what you have to do to get your car out. And SO many nights I'd wake up in a panic. This is why I finally got an apartment with a garage so I wouldn't have to worry about this.

I'm a little concerned by the art and the broken arm with the lifeless body AND the tow truck. Creepy creepy things go on when I'm in bed apparently!

At 11:41 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

Thank goodness they're taking back the computer.

This was such a fun posting. I'm glad you weren't injured while doing the research for it!

At 12:39 AM, Blogger CelticBuffy said...

Want to hear something funny? I randomly happened to be watching "The Thomas Crown Affair" on Bravo when I was reading this! I haven't seen it in years and it was on & then it's in your post!

Glad you could return the computer. It's too expensive of an item to have to keep and hate.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Man, I thought weird things happened to me, but you get the crown!

What kind of computer was it? WHy did you hate it?

At 8:13 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

Swish you are such a freak magnet. Freaky people and things are attracted to you. I have my fair share of freaks but you are the queen.

LOL! You are too funny!

At 9:15 AM, Blogger DeeMarie said...

You are crazy! I'm so glad you weren't Swish-Napped or something!!!!
Hope all the parking issues are fixed soon and you can find a computer that you love.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Beth said...


Ok, I've calmed down just a little bit...girl, you crack me up! and if you get any serial killers, send them this way...I love a good serial killer! ;)

that's so twisted about the tow truck driver...I bet HE was the serial killer and forgot where he stashed his dead body!!!!

At 12:36 PM, Blogger House of Jules said...

What is it with parking lot re-paving that causes such problems for so many people? I went through nearly the exact same thing (down to the bra-less pajama parking lot walk!) last year. It's totally frustrating. Then I think about not having to do any yardwork or "home repairs", which makes me not seethe over apartment living. :) Hope everything's on the upswing, girl!
House of Jules

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

sorry 'bout the computer.
glad you weren't towed, and happy free stuff @ the coffee shop!

At 1:22 AM, Blogger Melek said...

why did you hate the mac??? you know you could have emailed me and i would have walked you thru it. but, i can understand. i feel the same way about PCs...
my aunt got an ibook, hated it, and returned it. Good part is, she tried installing MS Office for Mac, then returned the computer, but since the software was opened, she couldn't return it. Guess who got it?!! MEEEE!! Yippee!

as for the tow truck guy, i bet he was looking for a car with something cool/expensive in it, so he could tow it, break in, take it, and then pretend he never saw it. tow trucks suck.

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Melek said...

did you see the pic of the twins?? people posted the cover on their website, and one pic of Shiloh holding one of them. too cute.
14 page spread comes out tomorrow. i know you're gonna be up bright and early to buy it! :)

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Bina said...

I swear to God you should write espionage stories, or dective stories, or something like. You can make things sound completely .... I don't have the word, but at first it's funny, and then I'm like "I totally get what she is saying!"

It's Monday! Got your copy yet? And sorry to say, it's only 19 pages worth, but they are worth it! LOL

At 9:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy moley - secret apartment life that is crazy! love the Thomas Crowne reference - hee hee. sorry about the computer - that is a bummer, at least they are taking it back and you can find something that you like.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Beth said...

ok...can you believe this? I went to bed last night AND FORGOT ABOUT THE TWINS!!!! I didn't get to see then until this morning...and they're cute, but no one beats Shiloh! I gotta go get People today! and they are trying really hard to make Angie look like SAINT Angelina in that cover photo! ;)

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Bina said...

I went to WalGreens first thing this morning, and no freakiing NEW copy of People.

At 9:04 PM, Blogger kim said...

You completely transported me back in time to apartment life!

Wow, that was weird.

And I have guilt for telling you you would love the computer.I know I had nothing to do with the purchase nor the hatred of the object, and yet, I'm co-dependant like that sometimes.

...cubmommy called you a freak magnet- ha!

At 4:22 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

LOVE the Jolie-Pitt baby pictures!!!

OK, the computer. I wanted to love it, I really, really did. It was basically a couple of very little things that all combined to turn me insane. The screen seemed much smaller to me when there were actual programs open. I could use a right-click on my Mac at work; on this one, you had to do this "two fingers while clicking" thing that made me crazy. The Mac at work would put little arrows under the icons when programs were open; this one didn't. I didn't enter my username and password when I was setting up iChat, thinking I could manually enter it each time or do it later. I was wrong, and I couldn't find a way to fix it. And then AOL. I like using AOL. I am not ready to wean myself off AOL yet, I'm just not. ("You're a 12-year-old living in 1999," said my friend. "SO WHAT," I said. "So you're a LOSER," he said. "No, YOU'RE a loser," I said.) Anyway, AOL on the Mac is very different. It didn't used to be, but it is now, and my poor little head couldn't handle it, it just exploded.

So that is the story about the computer.

At 7:21 AM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

OMG, your posting says 3:22 a.m. on my computer. Were you up that late looking at the twins? That would kinda make sense. You know, for you. :)


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