I would be a terrible lady of leisure. I mean, absolutely terrible. Which is funny considering the number of Saturday afternoons I've sat comatose under a blanket on my couch watching My Best Friend's Wedding or Project Runway or whatever else TBS or Bravo has to throw at me, but there you have it. I told myself that the first few days I could chill out and do nothing while I got myself adjusted, but three days in, I'm already stressing out that I'm not getting enough done.
I've also discovered that I absolutely cannot work at home during the day, at least not yet--it makes me feel claustrophobic or stir crazy or something and I have to go somewhere. At night, no problem. During the day, no way.
I am such a neurotic girl sometimes.
It's been a very, very strange week. I'm sort of just feeling my way through it, I guess. I am fairly calm most of the time--even giddy sometimes--but every day there are a couple of hours where I seriously am so annoyed and aggravated and sad and just incredibly frustrated. Then it passes, and I feel OK again.
Yesterday was hard. I sent out my goodbye email to everyone at work. I've already said goodbye to everyone a thousand times, so I thought it would be OK, but it hit me much harder than I thought it would. It made it all so FINAL. And then these responses started coming in, these gorgeous, sweet, generous emails, and I just cried and cried. I have very, very emotional ties to that job. So it was hard.
(And then I took my stupid freaking car to the stupid freaking shop so it could pass the stupid freaking emissions test so I don't get any more stupid freaking tickets and my usual guys weren't there and the guy who WAS there wanted a thousand dollars to put in a new fuel tank! I was like, why. WHY?!?!??! And he said blah blah blah, and I said no, thank you, I think I will pass, person I now hate. That's why I didn't blog yesterday. I felt like if I blogged, the subject line would be "I am a cranky little bitch" and I didn't think that was a very cheery or empowering message to send out into the world.)
Anyway, get this. This was my horoscope the other day:
"You're in the middle of a readjustment and ought to find that the new situation is much more to your liking--once it's all past you, that is. Things are still a bit out of balance for now."
Yes! That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm a little sad, a little scared, a little stressed out, but there are big, heaping helpings of hope and excitement mixed in there, too. I hope I can figure out a better way to articulate this in the coming days, but there is something very empowering about wanting something more and doing something about it even though it's scary, and something very exciting about breaking away from complacency and seeing what happens. It feels pretty awesome.
I say that now. Just wait until I'm sitting in a gutter somewhere, selling pet rocks with magic marker eyes.
Just kidding. I'd at least glue on felt.