Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, June 30, 2008

(Wo)man vs. beast

I'm sitting on my bathroom counter putting on mascara when a teeny, tiny fly lands on my nose. I swat it away and finish getting ready. The next morning, I walk into the bathroom and there are like four teeny, tiny little flies sitting on the mirror. I'm like, whatever, they're annoying, but they'll be gone when I get home. WRONG. I get home, and there are like SIX of them. Six teeny, tiny, gnat-like little flies, hanging out, drinking pina coladas and gossiping about the neighbors. They are in NO hurry to leave.

I smack the mirror. I clap my hands together in the air. I can't get a single one of them. Not ONE! I grab my hairspray and start spraying it at them, all over the bathroom. Final score: Six very much alive little flies, one toothbrush that now tastes like Pantene.

I get on my computer and Google the little suckers. I find out that they show up when it's a particularly rainy spring, they come up through the drain and they like to hang out in the bathroom. They don't like ammonia. They do like making people absolutely, positively, 1,000 percent crazy.

I go back in the bathroom and dump some Drano down the sink. Then I get out the ammonia-infused Windex and start spraying it everywhere. Fly on the mirror? SPRITZ. On the toilet, on the towel rack, on the contact case? Spritz, spritz, spritz. And ... YES! FINALLY! WE HAVE A CASUALTY!



(Look! A glow-in-the-dark dead bug!)

Most people would be bored with this exercise after about 30 seconds. Not me. Ohhhh, no. I was a woman on a mission. A bugicide mission. An hour and an ENTIRE DAMN BOTTLE OF WINDEX later, I stand and survey the carnage around me. Streaks of Windex everywhere, but the bugs? Dead. I go into the kitchen to get paper towels, walk back through the bathroom door and ...

Oh, yes. SIX TEENY, TINY LIVE FLIES PERCHED ON THE MIRROR.

(Insert favorite expletive here.)

A little part of me is like, look, you tried. CALL MAINTENANCE. Enjoy your sparkling clean Windexed mirror, go eat some chocolate and let this be their problem. But no. No, no, I am an independent woman living in 2008 who will not let her quality of life be influenced by a couple of pinhead-sized flies! So I dump the rest of the Drano down the sink and go to Walmart for bug spray. I get the cheapest kind, the kind that also promises no humans or even pets will die if it's used inside, as well as some chocolate-covered pretzels to calm my nerves. I come home and start projectile-spraying all over the bathroom, everywhere I see the slightest hint of a tiny little fly. And then I take paper towels and SMASH their little fly bodies to death to make sure they won't come back to life.



A day later, I am very pleased to report that there are NO little flies in my bathroom. Thanks to the Windex and bug spray, my lungs may never be the same. But there are no little flies. I AM A ROCK STAR.

29 Comments:

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

That totally cracks me up. I hate nasty little buggies.

We had a fruit fly infestation last week, and my husband cooked up an ingenius solution. He made a funnel out of paper with a small hole in the bottom, placed it into a small jar that had a big of vinegar in it and let it sit. Buggies flew to the vinegar and got trapped in the little jar. SUCKERS!

But I'm with you... had my husband not been there, I would have erradicated every one of those guys.

 
At 11:47 PM, Blogger House of Jules said...

DUDE!!! I HAD THOSE, TOO! I've been battling them with any spray I could find. They kind of looked like flying ants to me, though their wings never really took them very far. I've been out of town for 4 days and I thought I'd come home to an infestation. Thankfully there were only 2 on my bathroom floor, and they were dead. Guess that can of ant spray I used before leaving must have worked.
Jules
House of Jules

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger Golightly said...

Hoorah! You go. I'd be the same way. I just tried to conquer a much bigger than flies pest, I need to blog it out, soon :)

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger Barrie said...

I hope you also picked up a new toothbrush while you were at Walmart.

Congratulations on your successful mission of death and destruction. For us, down here in So Cal, it tends to be sassy Argentinian ants. And I'm right there with ya!

 
At 7:10 AM, Anonymous Ms Batman said...

I have a whole colony of teeny tiny flies at my place too. So far they are content to hover just outside my front door, as if they are waiting for an invitation to come on in,have a seat, let me get you a drink.

I think they came with the flood. They can leave with it too.

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger DeeMarie said...

I hate those little pesky things!! Good for you for taking them on. You are a woman of so many talents!!!

 
At 8:07 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

I've done the Drano thing in all the drains in the house, thrown out plants (because sometimes they like moist soil supposedly), fly paper strips in the bathroom, and bug spray. But all my efforts pale next to yours!

A friend of mine told me if you kill one their relatives show up for the funeral.

 
At 8:31 AM, Blogger michelle said...

at this moment, i am scared to take out my garbage ... because when i open the can to take out the bag, i fear that one million fruit flies will fly out and make my life an exercise in annoyance for the next week. okay ... maybe it will be 6 fruit flies, but still.

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger Beth said...

oh Swish...how you occupy your time!!!! You crack me up!!!!

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Bina said...

Ha Ha Ha! How freaking funny is that! And I had NO idea those little shits came up from the drain! How is that even possible?? I mean, there is no open airways in the ground or tunnels dug so they can fly up there, right?? Am I missing something?

I had a BIG fly in my bathroom this morning. I sprayed that sucker with my hairspray, he would dive bomb me, I would spray him, and then when he landed on the mirror I sprayed him again and then put the hair dryer on him. He may have been alive, but that sucker couldn't move, that's for sure!!!!!! He went for a swim after that.

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

You so win the award for being persistent. Possibly crazy too- but in a persistent kind of way.

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Are they sewer flies? Those are the kind that look really cute with cute wings, so I don't think they are.

BTW, my sis in law stunned a fly mid air when we were on vaca, and SHE TIED A STRING AROUND IT LIKE A LEASH SO WE COULD HAVE IT FOR A PET!!!

Seriously!

It was still alive, and twitched for a while, but my bro and I yelled at her for tying the string around its head and not its leg so it didn't survive the trauma.

Now, why didn't I think to blog about that.

I told you, you blog about the BEST THINGS!

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger J... said...

Yes, my dear, you are a rockstar! And fricking hilarious. Love the post!!!

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Jon B said...

It's rather strange...Windex, ammonia, hairspray and draino will kill off flies--but somehow attract homeless people to a front stoop.

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

AND your bathroom sparkles :)

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger Scribe LA said...

You ARE a rock star. And, the only TV I'm digging lately is Californication.

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger LaskiGal said...

I swear only you could make a story of a bug (bugs) and its subsequent demise this interesting . . .

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Kristabella said...

1. Where is the your hair rubberband on your camera?

2. You know, I've had little bugs in my bathroom too, recently. And I'm like WHY WOULD YOU COME IN HERE? And I also thought maybe I should clean the bathroom more. So Windex it is!

 
At 11:31 PM, Blogger Melek said...

much like Michelle, i have the solution for these pests. i used to get them in the kitchen all the time. put out a wine glass with a bit of white wine in it. the bugs love it. they'll fly into it and drown. or you can leave a bottle of wine on the counter with a bit in it, so when they all fly inside, you can just cork it and throw it out. i discovered this when i went on a weekend vacation, leaving a bit of wine in an open bottle on the counter. the flys had a party and invited allll their fly friends. there were seriously about 1,000 little f-ers in there when i got back.

 
At 11:35 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

I don't even want to think about what's on their tiny little feet.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger Vanessa said...

This cracks me up! I use windex to exterminate bugs of all sorts. I use it inside, outside and even on the car. SO got really mad about that one! You are Woman and you roared!

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger AlaneM said...

Too funny!
And I'm laughing while I'm being dive-bombed by tons of assorted bugs (ewww, I know) that flew in my wide open doors during my attempt to get my house under 85 degrees. Old house + no screens + hot day + no a/c = many, many bugs in the house.
We hang flypaper around & I have hunted down & killed all the crane flies - they are the only things I cannot abide. All those legs & random flying, yuck!

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger MereinSC said...

I use a vacuum... no matter what kind of insect I'm killing. Just suck it up and let it run until you're pretty sure it's dead ;)

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger flea said...

girl u are a rock star! i just would've kept complaining bout the flies, and done nothing about it. isn't windex like the best thing ever? that stuff kills everything, so cannot be good for us to breathe in or clean with but whatev it does the tick (i've used it to kill spiders, flies, etc before too)

 
At 6:05 PM, Blogger My boys are Army Brats said...

Hilarious! I love that you didn't give up that quest to kill the little devils!

I too have some fly issues in my home (and on my blog) that are easily solved with a rainbow and bee problem solved by Dyson!

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Andie said...

yep. fruit flies. vinegar.
that will fix the problem!!!

 
At 12:04 AM, Anonymous dimples said...

happy last day o' work!!!

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Aw, can't you all just get along with the buggies?

Just kidding. I've had my own problems with those nasty little flies. But at least they don't bite.

 
At 1:42 AM, Blogger Jules said...

Okay. This is the weirdest thing.

There I was reading along, and I had been on here reading for about 2 minutes..... when Poof! The final picture on the post - with the really dead flies suddenly appears.

Poof! (I know I said that already, but it really was kinda spooky...... like flies returning to life or something....... ahem....... and shudder here.)

 

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