(Wo)man vs. beast
I'm sitting on my bathroom counter putting on mascara when a teeny, tiny fly lands on my nose. I swat it away and finish getting ready. The next morning, I walk into the bathroom and there are like four teeny, tiny little flies sitting on the mirror. I'm like, whatever, they're annoying, but they'll be gone when I get home. WRONG. I get home, and there are like SIX of them. Six teeny, tiny, gnat-like little flies, hanging out, drinking pina coladas and gossiping about the neighbors. They are in NO hurry to leave.
I smack the mirror. I clap my hands together in the air. I can't get a single one of them. Not ONE! I grab my hairspray and start spraying it at them, all over the bathroom. Final score: Six very much alive little flies, one toothbrush that now tastes like Pantene.
I get on my computer and Google the little suckers. I find out that they show up when it's a particularly rainy spring, they come up through the drain and they like to hang out in the bathroom. They don't like ammonia. They do like making people absolutely, positively, 1,000 percent crazy.
I go back in the bathroom and dump some Drano down the sink. Then I get out the ammonia-infused Windex and start spraying it everywhere. Fly on the mirror? SPRITZ. On the toilet, on the towel rack, on the contact case? Spritz, spritz, spritz. And ... YES! FINALLY! WE HAVE A CASUALTY!
(Look! A glow-in-the-dark dead bug!)
Most people would be bored with this exercise after about 30 seconds. Not me. Ohhhh, no. I was a woman on a mission. A bugicide mission. An hour and an ENTIRE DAMN BOTTLE OF WINDEX later, I stand and survey the carnage around me. Streaks of Windex everywhere, but the bugs? Dead. I go into the kitchen to get paper towels, walk back through the bathroom door and ...
Oh, yes. SIX TEENY, TINY LIVE FLIES PERCHED ON THE MIRROR.
(Insert favorite expletive here.)
A little part of me is like, look, you tried. CALL MAINTENANCE. Enjoy your sparkling clean Windexed mirror, go eat some chocolate and let this be their problem. But no. No, no, I am an independent woman living in 2008 who will not let her quality of life be influenced by a couple of pinhead-sized flies! So I dump the rest of the Drano down the sink and go to Walmart for bug spray. I get the cheapest kind, the kind that also promises no humans or even pets will die if it's used inside, as well as some chocolate-covered pretzels to calm my nerves. I come home and start projectile-spraying all over the bathroom, everywhere I see the slightest hint of a tiny little fly. And then I take paper towels and SMASH their little fly bodies to death to make sure they won't come back to life.
A day later, I am very pleased to report that there are NO little flies in my bathroom. Thanks to the Windex and bug spray, my lungs may never be the same. But there are no little flies. I AM A ROCK STAR.