Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, May 19, 2008

OMG!

HOLY CRAP! Remember the government spy that was in my coffee shop, lo, those many months ago? He's back, and he brought his laptop and his "I have a shadowy past" stubble with him. He's sitting in the booth next to me, and he is completely staring at me and I am completely staring at him. It's basically a staring contest. Because I KNOW he remembers I was the girl who took sneaky surveillance pictures of him and told the world he was a secret spy, and he KNOWS I know, and ... yeah.

I am pretty sure this is how it's going to go down: He'll stake things out for a while. I'll get up to leave. I'll be walking down the stairs to my car when all of a sudden I'll hear footsteps behind me and, before I can even turn around, there will be a hand gripping my arm and a voice in my ear saying something like, "There's a black Lincoln town car parked at the end of the street. Do not stop at your car. Do not use your phone. Do not turn around. Walk straight ahead and get into that car." And I'll do it, because, well ... because I'm an idiot. But YOU watch TV! No one ever DOESN'T do it! I HAVE to do it! Besides, what if there's a bomb strapped underneath my car? Or a sniper perched on the roof of the coffee shop ready to shoot if I try to run? I watched Alias, OK? I know how it works.

So I get into the backseat, and there's a driver in the front, and he throws a black eyemask at me: "Put that on," he says. So I do, and then we drive along bumpy roads for a little while, and I try to remember the turns, you know, left, right, left, left, so when I make my great escape I'll know where to go, and then about 15 minutes later the car stops and he tells me I can take the blindfold off now. We're parked outside an old, abandoned warehouse, and he tells me to go inside. I walk over to the building slowly, hesitantly, thinking, well, if I have to die today, at least my apartment's clean and my bills are all paid and I'm having an OK hair day. I open the door, and standing inside, next to two chairs, is ... it's the government spy! He tells me to sit down, and then he explains everything. His name is Zack Mauer, and he's on a very top-secret mission--a top-secret mission I almost compromised thanks to my, quote, "Internet shenangians." He's been in hiding for the past eight months, and now he can't hide anymore--but I know who he is, so I have to go with him. Plus, he could use my help. "You DO take good surveillance photos," he tells me grudgingly, and I have to admit I'm flattered. But my mental self-congratulations are interrupted by a loud crash at the far end of the warehouse, and Zack Mauer springs into action, grabbing my arm with one hand and his gun with the other: "We've got to go," he exclaims. "I'll explain the rest on the way."

Of course, none of that has happened yet. Right now, he's drinking coffee and I just refilled my Diet Pepsi. But it MIGHT. I'll keep you posted.

25 Comments:

At 7:10 PM, Blogger michelle said...

i think you had an extra shot of imagination in your diet pepsi! good luck on your mission, agent swishy. ;)

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Midwest Gent said...

You must have been a total trip when you were a kid. Even better you must be a trip with a few shots. WOW!!

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Mylhibug said...

This is EXACTLY the reason why I only drink Diet Coke. Didn't you read the study that showed that Diet Pepsi has been adding hallucinigens(sic) to the beverage to try and increase sales so that they can catch up to numero uno Diet Coke. They stated something in the study about having fantasies involving handsome (whatever) spies kidnapping young and innocent ladies after they had their fill of said beverage.

What did I say? I have no idea, but I am looking forward to part two. :)

 
At 10:08 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

LOL! I think you watch to much tv!!

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

OMG is the perfect title. You are hilarious!!! "Zack Mauer" hee hee!!!!

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Patti said...

this can't be THE zack mauer. it's an imposter! how do i know? because he never once uttered the word "damn-it."

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Wow, I love the vivid imagination. Wanna come over and tell my kids bedtime stories for me?

The stories I make up about random people I see in restaurants, etc aren't half as good as that. But at least I entertain myself!

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Crazed said...

HA! HA!! Seriously... Zach Mauer!!! I. Love. It.
So are you the Ms. King to his Scarecrow, the Audrey to Jack or more of the Bristow to his Vaughn?

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger Melek said...

after he grabs his gun, the two of you run to an innocuous looking linen closet. he pushes a button, the wall flips around, and you get your pick of semi-automatic assault weapons. you slip into another room and come out wearing a full body suit of red leather (flexible leather, of course, so you can do roundhouse kicks and karate chops!). also, your hair is immediately the best it's ever looked and your matching lipstick is applied.

you run up the rickety metal stairs, your 4 inch stilleto boots clanking their way to the top where a helicopter is waiting. luckily the whirling blades don't mess up your hair.

....to be continued...

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You need to get a cell phone you can blog from, if you don't already have one. You know, so you can blog from captivity and we can raise your ransom!

:)

 
At 10:36 AM, Blogger Mommy Confidential said...

One can only hope this ends Thomas Crown style in Barbados with illicit money and six pack abs.
this message will self destruct..
R

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Golightly said...

rolling on the floor - Zack Mauer!
if he looks anything like Jack, they can question me all day. You are hilarious

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Bina said...

Holy Crap this is some funny stuff! And I really like the name Zack Mauer! Ha Ha Ha!

Girl, you crack me up. I needed that.

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Secret Agent Swishy! I love it! Hey...was that the job offer you were talking about? Hmmm.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

You so got to get a movie deal for your life story. Just don't die in the process and make Zach Bower go all Jason Bourne on the govt people that made him who he is.

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

I sooo remember that post! Report back to us so we know not to try any of those internet shenagins or else you WILL die. And we will all have to visit our mother's closet for big big big fancy veiled black hats,and invest in oversized sunglasses. Otherwise anybody who ever commented on here could be abducted just like you were

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger La La said...

You're hilarious! I'd switch to Diet Coke if I were you. It doesn't have that effect!!! (Ha Ha, I wrote that before I read the comments.)

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger Beth said...

oh Swish...how much do I love thee? I need me some Swishy right now!!! I freakin LOVE you girl!!! You need to write a book about "Zack Maurer"....then the movie rights would be bought and they would make a movie and you could have ahand in casting the movie and then walk the red carpet and I will see your picture in US and Life&Style!!! and you'll be on E!!!!!!!!

 
At 8:36 AM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

The "having a good hair day" cracked me up. If this guy knew what you wrote, he'd be loving it. Makes me wonder what he's writing while sitting there across from you.

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I AM DYYYYYYYYYYYYYING!!!!!

I want to know if you got any pictures!

I want to know if he got your number!

I want to know how long the staring contest went on for?

If you had ANY BALLS you would have shaken that ass o' yours, gone up to him and flat out said, "I know you, don't I?" very coyly ...

I AM DYYYYYYYYYYYYYING TO CALL YOU BUT YOU ARE NOT OUT OF BED YET ...

COULD YOU BE IN BED WITH HIM!??!!?



And sidenote: I don't even watch 24, but I TOTALLY got that Jack Bauer thing!!!!!

CRACKING UP!!!!!

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger THopgood said...

I gotta say that I was a little disappointed that the story didn't end with him throwing you down on a piece of warehouse furniture to have his way with you. I don't know what this guy looks like but in MY imagination he's smoke'n hot.

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Number 1: I had a roommate in college named Zach Mauer

Number 2: WRITE THIS SHOW...I'd watch. Seriously do it now...

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger Barrie said...

Agent Swishy. It has a nice ring to it. I think if you play your cards right, you could be a 50/50 partner with this guy. And then think of the interesting stuff you could post on your blog!! We'd love it!

 
At 1:01 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are cracking me up!!! OK, for real, first thing I thought was, "Holy crap, I have to blog this RIGHT THIS SECOND." The second thing was, "DAMMIT!!! My camera batteries are dead!" (There's your dammit, Patti ... ha ha. I LOVE that game!)

I did, however, write down his license plate number and, no, I am not kidding. I have no idea why. I felt like I had to do SOMETHING!

 
At 1:49 AM, Blogger Vanessa said...

Wow! You have a great imagination! Perhaps you should be a fiction writer?

 

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