Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I'm just happy I'm not in jail

So. A few months ago, I realized I never got the registration renewal in the mail for my car. Registering your car here is an ordeal. You have to go to like 20 different places, and in even years you have to do this, and in odd years you have to do that, and really? I'm supposed to keep track of all that? So I go to the DMV to try to get a printout of my renewal notice, and they won't give me one. I ask them what I need to get (emissions? inspection? property tax receipt?) and they tell me to refer to my renewal notice. Which they won't give me. And around and around we go. Needless to say the registration was not renewed that day.

Three days after that debacle, all the stuff goes down at work, and renewing my registration takes a backseat to figuring out my entire life. I'm like, why should I waste DAYS of my life getting it registered if I'm just gonna get rid of my car or register it somewhere else? So, in the meantime, until everything gets figured out, I've been playing a fun little game of keep-away with the cops. If I see a police car in my mirror, I immediately pull off onto a side street or into a parking lot until they drive by. It's thrilling and stressful and completely juvenile, all at once. It's like The Fugitive, only without Tommy Lee Jones and the one-armed man.

So over the weekend, I'm driving to the gym, and I see a state trooper in the high school parking lot. (Hello, random.) A couple seconds later, he turns onto the road and I'm like, what do I do ... pull off, keep going, pull off, keep going ... and then I think, Swish, you are SO neurotic, he's a state trooper, he's just going to get on the highway, and besides, this little game you keep playing with the police? It's RIDICULOUS. YOU ARE NOT IN A MOVIE STARRING HARRISON FORD. BE A GROWN-UP.

So I keep driving. And, indeed, he heads for the highway ... until all of a sudden he cuts over into my lane. I wait a second, and then I move into the other lane. He moves over behind me. I move back. He follows me. At this point the little alarm goes off in my head and I'm like, ABORT! ABORT! ABORT! I throw on my blinker, turn off onto a side street, and ... too late. There they are, those red and blue lights I've come to love.

I seriously do not care about being pulled over. I know I deserve it, I know I'm lucky I haven't been pulled over sooner, I know. I'm actually a little relieved, because he'll give me a ticket and that'll buy me 30 days of guilt-free driving before I have to do anything (they won't ticket you for that more than once in a 30-day period). And by then hopefully I'll have my stuff figured out. So, you know, win-win. Sort of.

He comes up to my window: "Do you know you're driving with an expired registration?"

Yes, I say, but of course I don't leave it there. I have to give him my whole life story: "So I went to the DMV, and I told them I didn't get my thing, and they were like, you don't need the thing, but then I was like, well, then why does it say it's mandatory? And they said because it IS mandatory ... but then they wouldn't give it to me! AND they wouldn't tell me what else I needed, and I know I need my personal property tax, but I don't know if I need the emissions and whatever else too, and I know you can do it every two years but I do it every year, so it's always confusing ... and, you know, by the way, supposedly I'm supposed to be moving next month, but I don't even know what's going on at work because they won't tell me, and they were SUPPOSED to tell me last week but they didn't, so SUPPOSEDLY they'll tell me this week, but, you know, I'll believe THAT when I see it, so ..."

He gets this look like, seriously, they don't pay me nearly enough for this shit. The strung-out drug addicts, the midnight shootouts at the strip club, the high-speed chases, fine. But Miss High Maintenance driving down the street with an expired registration? No, thank you.

And then he looks at me, and it goes from bad to worse. "So," he says, "were you wearing your seatbelt when I pulled you over?"

I point at my seatbelt, which is securely fastened as I sit in an upright position. "Yeah."

"You were wearing your seatbelt?"
"You sure about that?"
"You were wearing it when I stopped you?"
"Why are you lying?"
"You weren't wearing it. I saw you."
"When you pulled me over? Yes, I was too wearing it."
He starts yelling--YELLING--at me. "You're lying! Why are you lying to me? It's only a 10-dollar ticket!"
"Well, if it's only a 10-dollar ticket, why are you YELLING AT ME?"
Still yelling: "Because you're LYING."
"I'm NOT lying." I give him a dirty look. "What do you need? My license?"
"I need you to admit you put on your seatbelt after I stopped you."
"Well, I didn't."
"I don't know why you won't just admit it."
"Because I DIDN'T." Pause. "License and ...?"
"License and insurance. And for you to admit you're lying."
"OK, but I'm NOT."

We continue to bicker while I rummage past the spare tampon, pink pen and 16 hair things in my glove compartment and unearth my insurance. It does not, for one second, occur to me that perhaps I should not be bickering with a man who's carrying a gun, pepper spray and possibly a taser. Instead, I'm acting like he's my boyfriend and we're fighting over whether I ate the last piece of Jello No-Bake Cheesecake out of the fridge. ("I didn't!" I say. "I saw you put it in your mouth!" he says. And so on.)

He comes back with my ticket, because CLEARLY I am not charming my way out of anything here. Before he can even say a word, I stick my head out the window and give him my brattiest "channeling a petulant 13-year-old" look. "You know, I don't really understand why you have to yell at me. Why is that necessary?"
"OK, well, why is it necessary to lie?"
"I DIDN'T. I didn't TECHNICALLY have it on ALL the way the ENTIRE time, but it WAS on when you pulled me over, which is what you asked."
(I demonstrate what I'm taking about.)
"Is that the way you're supposed to wear your seatbelt?"
"No ... but why do you have to YELL?"

He pauses, and really, we could go either way here. I could be hauled off, kicking and screaming, to the county jail or ... "OK," he says. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right," I say. "I'm sorry, too."
"I really hope you make the decision to renew your registration," he says.
"OK," I say. "I will. I hope you have a good rest of the day."
"All right," he says. "Make sure you wear your seatbelt."

I am going to renew my registration this weekend. And I have properly worn my seatbelt ever since. I am not conceding a thing, however, when it comes to the Jello No-Bake.


At 8:08 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

Oh Swish. This was the best post to welcome me back into the bloggesphere after my very long (10 day) hiatus. I laughed, I cried (because I was laughing so hard) - it was priceless.

At 8:39 AM, Blogger The Gang's All Here! said...

How come nothing interesting ever happens to me like this? I swear, I have like the most boringest life ever. Ever. I died laughing at the bratty 13-year old crack - my 9 year old does that every day. Please tell me, was he at least a hot patrolman? You know, the kind that makes you WANT to be taken into custody. Even if for just a couple minutes? :)

I canNOT believe I just typed that. Hope The Boss never reads your blog . . .

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Patti said...

holy smokes, for a minute there i thought you were gonna tell us where we could see the grainy video of you being hauled out of the car to be handcuffed, and the whole time you two are WAS TOO!....WAS NOT!!!!

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

Ha! You are so funny. I love you. And you painted this scene so well that I could honestly picture it in my head.

Great writing!! And whew. I'm glad you're not in jail.

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Mylhibug said...

Oh my! What a scene you made. I imagine that the passersby were having a good time with it. Not to mention anyone that might have been withing earshot. :)

Glad you're not in jail though.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Omigosh, I was reaching for the checkbook to bail you out! That is too funny...not only did you get pulled over, you scolded a state trooper. That's why we love you!

(It's also why you need to move to a new state, but you're planning on doing that anyway, right?)


At 12:30 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Holy crap, what is it with guys yelling at us lately? At least he apologized at the end....I didn't even get that.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Bina said...

Holy Crap. This is the funniest shit I have read in a LONG time! Only you Swish, and dang girl, you can make a sitcom out of stuff like this!!!!!

At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Sheila said...

This story made me giggle!

At 2:38 PM, Blogger AlaneM said...

That is the funniest story I've read in a long time - you are priceless girl!

And how can you not wear your seatbelt? I feel like I'm going to fly out out my seat spontaniously when I don't put mine on BEFORE I start the car LOL!

At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Ree said...

Oh mah holy hell darlin. That's freakin hilarious. Did you do the behind the back with the shoulder part thingie?

Maybe if you would have told him, "But when I wear the shoulder part, it hurts mah boobies." and stuck your chest out.

nah, probably not.

At 3:50 PM, Blogger Beth said...

oh swish....I gotta hang out with you! I just don't know what else to say to this!!!! I freakin LOVE you girl!

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

OMG - - I really needed this laugh today - - it's been a miserable day. Thanks for cheering me up!

(But I'm really glad you didn't get hauled away!)

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Andie said...

oh. my. god.
that just cracked me up. I'm sorry.

but you really had that conversation with the dude?

You always have the funniest stories, swisharoo.

At 5:29 PM, Blogger cubmommy said...

Too funny! Mr. Policman should not have yelled at you. Who does he think he is?

At 8:40 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

You always get pulled over.. I've had honey's registration on my desk for over a month, technically it won't be OVERDUE till June 10, one month plus 5 days after his birthday. Oopsie. I swear I'll do it tomorrow. I've been busy. Though I could do it online. I just don't feel like it.

At 8:41 PM, Blogger Vanessa said...

Oh Swishy! I so thought you were going to jail! Glad you didn't!

At 9:50 PM, Blogger Kristabella said...

Dude, ONLY YOU! And seriously, you were lying. I mean, you weren't telling the whole truth. Don't mess with the State-ies. They are crazy as shit! You are LUCKY!

At 10:53 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Hee hee hee hee!

Now you know you aren't paranoid. You're totally right!

Soooo does this mean you still don't know what's up with your job, too?

I do love the yelling cop. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably start crying when he started yelling. Good idea to have the tampon and all the embarrassing stuff in front of what you need for the cop. Maybe if there's enough, you can shame him into not giving you a ticket next time!

At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was very funny Swishy! I love reading your blog, never a dull moment for you.
So glad your not in jail!!

At 2:53 AM, Blogger Jules said...

Oh Swish. I'm still smiling. You have guts girl. i could never yell at a cop. Too scared, and hating myself for it. You can sit by me anytime!

At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my holy hell that was hilarious ... I guffawed out loud at work! I'm glad you did not get arrested.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

What??? How does that happen to anyone? You got a state cop to apologize? Whoa. You have some amazng super powers.

At 10:41 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

Oh my gosh..I can't believe you got pulled over again! How many times is that now? Ha ha. Sorry, but it is kind of funny!

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Mary Ann said...

Ok, is it just me, or is this a love story?

At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cracking up! way to go you for talking back to him and not taking that BS! I'm in the same boat waiting for the snail mail of my registration sticker.

At 7:34 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

You a serious cop magnet. I wonder what this means about your future ... either a stint in prison or perhaps a wedding in blue??

At 8:22 PM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

Two things.

One - You should wear your seat belt because it can save your life, not because some cop with a huge stick up his rear tells you to. We would all cry rivers of tears if you got hurt. Especially if it could have been easily prevented. Who would keep us smiling? Who would tell us wonderful stories? Just do it.

Two - There are two people who can make your life hell faster than anyone else. The customs guy at the border and the cop that just pulled you over. Both of these are butt kissing, 'Yes sir/No sir' moments.

Three - I hate the DOL. I just got my wife's tabs and they wanted an extra twenty bucks for us to keep the same plates. What's up with that? Needless to say, we now have to remember a new license plate number.

Peace out. :)

At 9:19 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I am sorry bt I couldn't help but laugh while reading this what a jerk he was!!

At 8:48 AM, Blogger Melek said...

oh my god. i cannot believe you had a yelling match with a state trooper! friggin hysterical!!! and i can't believe he apologized first! you're sooo AWESOME!

and btw, we can renew our registration online in Texas...takes about 25 seconds and i don't have to leave my chair...so move on down here with us tech savvy cowboys.

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

I totally agree with it being a pain in the butt to get your license plates renewed. But I will say the DMV is a fun place to people watch. I'm glad the state trooper didn't haul you off to the slammer.



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