Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Things that make me laugh

I am all for self-improvement and evolution and progress, I really am, but when I'm flipping through a magazine and I see something like this, all I can do is laugh.



Never mind the implication that you can't actually have, you know, a normal conversation with the special person in your life about things that annoy you. No, you need a script! A script that basically is--this is the best part--mad libs for relationships.

In case you can't read it, the script goes as follows:

When you (mate's annoying habit), I don't feel connected. I feel (negative emotion). That's when I tend to (your typical response; e.g. get sarcastic). I do this to cope with my feelings and find a way for us to reconnect. I'm also hoping you will (the reaction you wish for; e.g. apologize profusely). As this pattern continues, I feel (negative emotion) and tell myself our relationship is (typical thought about your bond when you fight). Then you inevitably (his reaction during a fight). The more I (your go-to defense; e.g., nag), the more you (his go-to defense; e.g., pull away). Let's warn each other when this difficult cycle starts and try (alternative way of acting).


OK, I do not pretend to be an expert on men. There are many, many things about men that will mystify me until I take my last breath, and probably even long after that. But I can promise you that if I managed to deliver this whole thing to a man with a straight face, it would NOT solve all my problems in life and love. It would probably result in him rolling his eyes and picking up the newspaper, and then me complaining that he never makes an effort, and then him saying, you know, you don't have to overanalyze every little thing, and me saying, fine, I hope you remember that when you're sitting in front of the computer obsessing over your STUPID fantasy football lineup, and then him saying, you want to talk about obsessing over STUPID things, let's talk about how your entire Monday night revolves around The Hills, and ohhhhhh, then the REAL fight would start.

Of course, that didn't stop me from wanting to play the mad libs game anyway.

"When you leave the toilet seat up, I don't feel connected. I feel like I am living in a frat house. That's when I tend to scream through the bathroom door, 'This is not a frat house!' I do this to cope with my feelings and find a way for us to reconnect. I'm also hoping you will, oh, I don't know, start acting like a grown, civilized adult. As this pattern continues, I feel afraid I am going to fall in the toilet in the middle of the night and tell myself our relationship will be the first that ends entirely due to a plastic seat and a few gallons of toilet water. Then you inevitably tell me you don't complain when I leave it down, so why should I complain about you leaving it up? The more I throw my hands wildly in the air and say things like, 'When did my 4-year-old brother start living here?', the more you do it because you think it's funny to see me gesture wildly and say things like 'When did my 4-year-brother start living here?' because, for one thing, I don't even have a 4-year-old brother. Let's warn each other when this difficult cycle starts and try doing it my way, because let's be honest, that's the only way we'll both be happy. Also, it makes the bathroom look cleaner when the lid's down, and ... don't give me that look, it does too. It DOES!"

Oh, yes. Mad libs, the foundation of communication in any good relationship.

31 Comments:

At 6:14 PM, Blogger KATE said...

L.O.V.E. it!!

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger Vanessa said...

Love it! I usually go with the "if you want the kitchen that cleans itself, your mother lives in Indiana. Go make a mess in her kitchen, dumbass" but that's just me. ;)

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

HA HA HA HA HA ... that is awesome.

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger Jules said...

This is when I'm reminded how great it is to have my own place! I have nobody to blame if I'm out of toilet paper but myself.... and therefore, I'm never out of toilet paper. OH, the best thing about my toilet seat (while we're on this subject) is that it's a special one that actually doesn't STAY up. The lid will, but the seat won't (which means that any man using it has to hold the seat up at the same time), so as a past male, uh... repeat visitor" used to say, "You have a man-hating toilet seat!" I just laughed and told him he was lucky that we never fought about putting the seat back down. It would be nice if more things were that simple.
Jules
House of Jules

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger THopgood said...

I'm LMAO...I mean tears and all...I'm gonna have to share this one with hubby and maybe then he'll understand why I'm so addicted to this wonderful bloggy world! Thank you so much for the laugh!

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger Melek said...

awesome!!! and i love mad libs. but i always tried to make it non-sensical and really weird. like this:

When you wipe your boogers on the bathroom wall, I don't feel connected. I feel purple. That's when I tend to pat my head while rubbing my belly. I do this to cope with my feelings and find a way for us to reconnect. I'm also hoping you will win the lottery and then die shortly thereafter.

As this pattern continues, I feel like i have bugs crawling all over my body and tell myself our relationship is like a never-ending movie...like the English Patient or Titanic. Then you inevitably fart and turn the channel. The more I pat my head and rub my belly, the more you fart and turn the channel. Let's warn each other when this difficult cycle starts and try eating spaghetti thru a straw.

not sure that would solve any relationship problems, but it made me laugh :)

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Mary Ann (Moanna) said...

Thanks for making me laugh!

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger mylhibug said...

I knew it!! There is a script out there, and now I can share it with all of my male friends that need to find the answers.

Thank you SOOOOOO Much Swishy! You are the BEST!!

No really, you are.:)

 
At 12:29 AM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

Haha! I'll have to keep this mad lib for a boring road trip or something :)

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Mel! I love yours! HA HA.

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger Beth said...

HA!!! LOL!!

Hey, I have no problem speaking my mind to my husband....poor guy!

and I love Vanessa's comment!

 
At 8:26 AM, Blogger Trish said...

OMG That is tooo funny!

I think if I pulled that out at my house my guys would finally have me committed.

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

This is brilliant, in a truly horrific kind of way. Whenever I see things about "healthy communication" and using "I" language, it makes me want to scream. The Mad Libs process takes it to a whole new level though... no need to even think of our own conversations or interact on any real level. UGH.

Besides, what man wouldn't put the toilet seat down for Swishy???

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Golightly said...

I heart mad libs and scripts for conversations with boys. They always work. this is hilarious, loving it

 
At 10:24 AM, Blogger Angela Williams Duea said...

Hilarious! I love Mad Libs too. And even more, I love your progression of an argument that follows the script.

I totally could not read that script with a straight face. Not that a guy would sit still long enough to hear the whole thing, anyway.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Bina said...

How freaking funny (and true) is that! I may have to violate some plagiarism laws, copy that and give it to my husband! LOL

(But no, I wouldn't do that. I would NEVER break the law)

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

When you spray your smelly man deodorant, I don't feel connected. I feel afraid I will smell like a man. That's when I tend to leave the room and close my closet door to protect my girl clothes from boy smells. I do this to cope with my feelings and find a way for us to reconnect. I'm also hoping you will find a non-smelly man deodarant. As this pattern continues, I feel stinky and tell myself our relationship is starting to smell like a man musk. Then you inevitably reapply, because its fun to see me run and hide from something as silly as deodorant. The more I run and hide, from an ordor the more you create this odor. Let's warn each other when this difficult cycle starts and try to do things that are not smelly.

*disclaimer: this is a highly fictionalized relationship mad libs

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

So where can I get a copy of this script? I've got some issues with the husband...

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

ha ha ha. Awesome post

vanessa's comment cracked me up too.

tanya - i do that with my husband. he's addicted to this horrible, teenage boy axe body spray and i have to seriously RUN AWAY from him when he's spraying it. and then here's something disturbing - our daughter actually sniffs his arm and sighs dreamily when he uses it. not a good thing...

 
At 3:07 PM, Blogger Sherry/Cherie said...

I ask myself...just how many women will undertake this hopeless task?!? Can you say Don Quixote?!?

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I actually bought two mad lib books the other day. I thought they would make great party fodder. LOL

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger Patti said...

word...

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Swistle said...

Oh, totally: the only way this would bring my husband and me closer together is if we mocked it together. I think men SERIOUSLY HATE all this "makes me feel" stuff.

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I was totally thinking Mad Libs!

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Wow, I could really use this with my husband. Except that he's probably think that I'm "lecturing him" again.

Possible topics:
How to properly sort a newspaper (seriously)
How to put toilet paper on a roll
How do do laundry without shrinking or otherwise ruining my clothes
How to get the children to bed on time
How to not leave a full water cup where the kitty buddies can knock it over to get a drink
How to use the fan whilst using the shower

I'd better stop before the bitterness takes over. I think I've had a really bad day today ;)

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Jon B said...

If a women read me a madlib that explained problems in our relationship, I would somehow turn that around and make sure ALL of our communications were done via madlibs. No more "hey, whatcha' doing tonight"? Oh no, only plural nouns.....

 
At 2:11 PM, Blogger Jules said...

Loved the post. This is obviously what I need. My husband's extensive communications skills have deteriorated into grunts and moans when it comes to certain important topics.

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Great give them some more conversations to tune out, scripted or no. They will still tune you out if you manage to keep a straight face and not give them anything to make fun of.

 
At 11:30 PM, Blogger Donna said...

My turn...

When you are on the computer all day and night, I don't feel connected. I feel grumpy. That's when I tend to blog. I do this to cope with my feelings and find a way for us to reconnect. I'm also hoping you will turn off the stupid computer and pay attention to me. As this pattern continues, I feel unloved and tell myself our relationship is wonderful. Then you inevitably walk away. The more I talk, the more you walk. Let's warn each other when this difficult cycle starts and try taking a walk to talk together.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

So I made this awesome fantasy baseball trade I sent out:

Jermaine Dye
Joba Chamberlin
Rich Hill
Kelly Johnson

and got back:
Matt Holiday
Brett Myers

and then the dumb leauge wouldnt let me do it because it put my opponent over the amount of eligable alloted players...UGGG!

Are you even listening to me?

 
At 5:13 PM, Anonymous kristabella said...

Bwahahaha! And yet you know there are hundreds of women out there who read that and immediately grabbed a pen and were like "I can't wait until my man gets home!"

 

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