I realize I owe you stories about my canceled flight and the crazy man on the subway and maybe even a certain someone I hung out with last weekend, but I have developed a severe, severe case of ... I don't know what to call it. Whatever it is when you can't stop obsessing about something. I know I'm usually the type who writes about canceled flights and crazy men on the subway, but I think tonight I am going to write about myself and some of the little thoughts swirling around in my little brain. Because you're all nice people and I know you'll indulge me just this once if I promise to write about the crazy man next time, right?
OK. So my whole job thing. I have 10 days and, oh, let's say seven hours to decide if I am going to stay with my company and move to a different city. It's a good offer, even better when you consider the sorta-sucky economy. But it really is. Most people are going. When I think about it very practically, I think that I should go, too. And I know they want me to go.
But! Another side, a very, very big side, thinks that, wow, I could quit in a couple of months and still get paid by this company until November. I could take a big leap, the kind of leap I always fantasize about taking but am always too scared/responsible to actually take, and go really hard after my dreams. Because when am I ever going to do it if I don't do it now?
Basically, my dreamer side and my practical side are having a fistfight in my brain right now, and they're going at it so hard I'm afraid they're going to kill each other and then kill me. I guess they can't kill me if they're dead. Whatever. The point is, people will die. And it's never good when people die.
I occasionally have a few moments of clarity interspersed between the "I can't breathe" moments, and I really do have to laugh at myself. Because like EVERY aspect of my personality is coming into play right now. The melodramatic side: "Every time I think about going, I feel like my SOUL is going to DIE!" I cried, with big, fat tears streaming down my face, to my dad the other night. (My accountant dad, who naturally pointed out that my soul might like to buy food and a new outfit every once in a while, too.) The "I want to be the kind of person who GOES FOR IT!" side. The "Yeah, but I'm also the biggest worrier ever, ever, EVER and I might give myself a heart attack first!" side. The "I am so in love with my walk-in closet, I don't want to leave it!" side. The "If I move to New York, I'll have to LIVE in a walk-in closet!" side. And the "I don't want anything to ever change and I want all my friends to be my friends forever" side. That's a huge side. My best friends will always be my best friends, no matter where I live--at least I hope they will--but as far as work goes ... the other day, I was back in my favorite place ever, the art department, and I was like, "I LIKE you people! I LIKE working with you!" And of course they just shook their heads and looked at me like, Oh, Swish, you crazy, sentimental girl, but I do! They are SO tolerant of me. Like, for example, I am so cheesy sometimes--I can't believe I'm about to admit this--but I totally make them high-five me when I get excited about how something looks ... and they DO it! They embrace my quirks! Do you know how hard it can be to get people to embrace your quirks? If I did that somewhere else, they'd be like, oh, my gosh, that girl is the biggest dork ever. But not the people at my work! They just get how I am. I would miss that.
Anyway. My parents are very, VERY firmly in the "take the transfer" camp, probably because they don't want to run the risk of me living in their basement in six months. Most of my friends are in the "take the money and run" camp, probably because they're sick of me talking about the life I want instead of living the life I want.
Here's the thing. In some ways, I feel like I will be fine no matter what. I really do. Like, you know the movie Sliding Doors? (Spoiler alert! If you can spoiler alert something that's like 10 years old.) Anyway, like the movie Sliding Doors, where she takes the different paths and still ends up in the same place at the end? Sometimes I feel like that. Other times, though--and I know how corny this sounds, but I swear to you it's true--I feel very clearly that everything in my life has gotten me to this point, and I'm so close to ... I don't know what, but SOMETHING ... and all I have to do is make sure I don't screw it up.
Maybe it's both things. I don't know.
OK, I am going to change the subject. So, you see the title of my post? Did any of you ever watch that movie? I don't really know anyone who did. But in college, my roommates and I had a massive girl movie night and we rented that movie and OH, MY GOSH. It is not even that good of a movie, it's like completely manipulative and Michael Keaton spends way too much time at the acupuncturist's office, but ohhhhh, did I sob. I cried harder than I have ever cried at a movie in my life. Except maybe Old Yeller when I was little. Maybe. Anyway, I cried big, huge, heaving sobs during the WHOLE MOVIE and for AN HOUR afterward. An hour! My roommates were like, what is WRONG with you?? And all I could do was open my mouth, take a big, shuddering breath and start sobbing some more. I probably had just broken up with my boyfriend or something too, I don't remember, but it wrecked me. I felt like I should mention it since that's the title of the post.
And speaking of movies, Pretty Woman is on. Hey, I have a heart of gold! Maybe I should be a hooker! Richard Gere and I can save each other after I fend off pervy pre-Seinfeld Jason Alexander's nasty advances and then we'll live happily ever after while Roxette plays in the background!
Orrrrrrrrrr ... not. Sigh.