Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, March 24, 2008

This is why I get the mail

There are things I love more than People magazine. Certain blood relatives. Toilets that flush. The fact that I'm not in jail in some foreign country for a crime I didn't commit.

Some things. But not many.

I don't always have a lot of opinions when I read People magazine, but I did yesterday. Very hard-hitting opinions. Life-changing, world-altering opinions. Which I will now share with you.

It was the J.Lo baby picture issue. We'll get to that in a second. First, Angie and the kids.

Would you just look at the bags of Cheetos in those kids' hands? Would you?? Those kids love their Cheetos, and I love that they love them. Their parents are freaking Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, and they still have sticky faces and orange fingers and messy hair like any other normal kids. That is awesome.

Oh, my hotness. I loved Pacey Witter. LOVED. If staring at this picture for 10 straight minutes is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Apparently the editor of People shares one of my guilty pleasures, because this is merely one of THREE separate pages devoted to The Hills in this issue. That is on par with the attention they devote to, say, shirtless Matthew McConaughey pictures, which is basically as high status as it gets in People magazine world.

The Hills starts its new season this week. I'm not sure why I like The Hills. It's kind of like asking Shiloh Jolie-Pitt why she loves her Cheetos so much. I just DO.

And finally ... the J.Lo baby pictures.

(OK, all of a sudden I'm scared to post this one because People paid like SIX MILLION for them AND agreed never to call Jennifer Lopez J.Lo again and I don't want their lawyers to come after me and my tiny little blog. I'll mail you my copy if you want to see them, how's that? Or you can look when you're at the grocery store. In the meantime just PRETEND you're looking at a picture of J.Lo and a pink-clad Mark Anthony pushing highly impractical strollers across their driveway. Ready ... go!)

I am sorry, but these pictures CREEPED me OUT! The photos themselves are beautifully shot and the babies are cute and everything else. But there was something SO CREEPY to me about them. They reminded me of Brad and Angelina's W magazine shoot a couple of years ago. I liked those photos ... but the difference is that THOSE were fake. They were two people play-acting, sort of a stylized satire. They weren't supposed to be representative of someone's REAL LIFE! Like, do people really wheel around $3,000 strollers? Do they really decorate their children's nurseries with crystal chandeliers and silver baby rattles? Do straight men really wear pink cardigans? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

All right, that concludes this installment of "Let's pretend you're sitting on the couch next to Swishy while she talks nonsense about nonsensical things." Tune in next week when she dissects the pros and cons of the three different vanilla lotions she has in her bathroom. Fun!

(P.S. How was everyone's weekend? Good? I hope so. Bracket update: Pretty much everyone has taken a turn in first, I think, but coming out of the weekend Mr. Josh is in the lead. I have it on good authority that he drank the USC Kool-Aid, though, soooo ... we'll see!)


At 7:49 AM, Blogger Jules said...

Ahhhh, People Magazine. I love it, too!
Everytime I see that Shutter commercial, it makes me mourn the end of Dawson's Creek all over again! As for The Hills, I think they should dedicate an entire page to Justin Bobby because I'd like some background information on that enigma. He's kind of a douche, but I'm intrigued. I'd rather read about him than Spencer anyday of the week.
I know exactly what you mean about the J. Lo photos. That cover shot is so creepy! It looks like the babies are props or something.

House of Jules

At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ooh I haven't seen the JLo pics, yet. Googling them right now. People magazine is the besto!

At 9:46 AM, Blogger Bina said...

I bought that issue! And I have to admit, I was thinking some of the same things. The strollers? Give me a freaking break! I didn't even know those type were still made!

But what shocked me more than anything (coming from a mother who nursed all four her babies) is the comment she made about nursing her babies, and why she chose not to. I mean come on. It's obvious WHY she chose not to, and it's obvious the reason she gave is a total lie! And yea, the nursery?

This whole photo shot reminded me of the issue a few weeks back (I think) of ... dang, who was it? Hmmm, thinking,,, thinking,,, let me google it. Ahh, Christina Aguilera. But at least hers looked more REAL!

At 1:24 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

We were separated at birth. I'm sure of it.

At 1:50 PM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

Haha! I guess I'll have to check out People the next time I'm in the grocery line.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I LOVE People magazine. I can't subscribe b/c I'd never get anything done. So instead I make excuses to go see my hairdresser every 3 weeks so I can catch up on the latest.

And you're right...even without seeing the pics, I can imagine that they're pretty creepy.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger Beth said...

omg!!! i RAN out and bought that issue too cuz I just HAD to see Jlo's babies....um...well....they're...ok. Nothing spectacular...sorry Jlo!! But Marc Anthony really isn't that good looking, and the babies look like him. well, maybe they'll get cuter as they get older. ;)

But how FAKE can you get!!! I don't know ANY mother who looks like that after having freakin TWINS!!! Give me a break!!! She is so phoney!! AHHHHHHHRRRGGGGG!!!!! I don't think I like her very much...

but Angelina anad the kids? PERFECT!! I love how orange their little hands are and that they're not vegan or something wierd like that. Nope, just regular kids eating junk food, and I saw a picture of Shiloh throwing a HOLY FIT!!! She is a fat little thing, aint she?


At 4:06 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Dammit now I'm going to have to read People shile I'm waiting in line to check out at the grocery store.

Not a big fan of People...but to see JLo's and Skeletor's kids...it's a must see.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Andie said...

damn that pacey is hot these days. LOL

and I saw the cover shot of jennifer lopez, and I agree. it seems forced.

oh, and RE: brad and angie- I have a friend who actually was walking near a park or something, and walked right past Pax, Shiloh and Brad, and didn't realize it until a few minutes later that she just walked past them. She was too busy checking out the stroller. LOL

Anyway, she loved that the kids were just walking with their dad, like a normal family.

They really do try to be somewhat normal- even when they are here, they take the kids to the movies, etc. I admire that about them.

At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you think you will go to jail for showing photos of J.Ho and her gay husband on your blog?

This may tempt me to just go ahead and post those photos on my blog. But, because you kinda scared me a little bit, I might just sign this comment ... Anonanic.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger KATE said...

I love People too! L.O.V.E. it! The J.Lo pictures were a little on the freaky side. Especially when put up against say Brad & Angelina. So lame, & completely unrealistic!!

At 6:30 PM, Blogger THopgood said...

oooo! Just read my People yesterday...my guilty pleasure also! I had the same reaction to the photos. The whole scenerio looked so fabricated...which it is of course...but you'd think they would've done a better job of making it look a little more natural.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Patti said...

my brackets have caught my flu and they're going down in a ball of flames...

and since you didn't post the pics, i am going to have to thumb thru one at the counter..

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

My college roommate looks like Joshua Jackson and we were in college at the time that show broke. Seriously, my roommate could have gotten laid crossing the street. Sorry, he's married now.

And I remain convinced that Jennifer Lopez is a eunuch.

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Sue said...

Love People. My mom bought this week's and as I was handing it to her, I had to look at the JLo photos. What is with Marc Anthony? In a pink sweater, skipping? Aren't these like his 4 and 5th kids? Jlo was cool when she was with Ben, but good Lord, who would accept a $3000 stroller as a gift (other than me of course), but really is this a necessity? And don't get me started on her silk dress!!! One burp and the whole dress is in the trash.

Then there is Brad and Angie. At least they gave 8.5 million to charities this year.

Any other People stories you want to discuss?

At 10:40 PM, Blogger kim said...

I usually give a passing glance at the mag rack while in line at the grocery. However, with this particular cover -- and before I could even realize a was baby bashing -- I had that people pulled from the rack and in my husbands face, demanding that he tell me if he thought those babies looked weird.
I tried to cover by stammering about the airbrush person being high on the job, but really -- I couldn't figure out about those babies -- they have people faces, but they are babies.

I will say, the only other time I've ever seen such a strange baby -- it was my cousins kid and the infant looked like a hairless squirrel. Once he gained body fat he was like a gerber baby, but for a few weeks there it was, as Tim Gunn likes to call it, a viceral gasp that would happen upon first laying eyes upon the baby.

...or were you not talking about how strange the babies looked?

At 11:06 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

I just realized what I've been missing when I go shopping. I do Costco and a local produce market. They have no tabloids! I'm afraid to find out what I've been missing, but it sounds like there are quite a few juicy tidbits. I think I a lot to catch up on, but I'll start with the JLo babies!

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, I just have to say, I SO LOVED THE HILLS TONIGHT! So many good little nuggets.

And J.Lo and her babies. Let's talk more about that for a second. I saw some interview where they were totally, like, LAUDING her because even though she has baby nurses and nannies (plural) she still changes their diapers sometimes. Yes, please, let's give a medal to someone for occasionally changing their own child's diaper.

And Kim, I got my hair did today and my hairdresser totally was like, those babies look like Damien from The Omen. I died.

At 12:45 AM, Blogger KATE said...

Oh my word Swishy, shut up! She even sometimes changes the babies diapers. Wow, well she should get mother of the freaking year!
Talk to me when your stomach still hangs & looks like a deflated baloon (because I don't have a personal trainer & a nanny to watch the babies while I work out!), when your baby pukes right down your shirt & between your boobs & you haven't slept in over a month, your boobs spontaneously leak, & you can't remember the last time you showered without hearing crying in the back ground!
Hmmmm...multiple nannies & nurses. What a thought!
*Sorry my baby is teething & it's been a fun couple of weeks! This is great birth control though!!

At 8:52 AM, Blogger Mary Ann (Moanna) said...

Love the orange fingers! And I don't quite get the J Lo thing. I know she has a lot of fans but I'm not one of them.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger kim said...

nothing to do with this post, just fun fyi: as you know, my husband has been home convalescing. we rented a bunch of 24 to watch while he mends, but today the husband is going in to work for a couple of hours so we must pause for now. As Rich is getting ready for work he says, "I can't believe I'm going to work, I need more Jack crack."

thought you might appreciate that one.

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

I haven't seen the photos, but I won't rush out...I CAN'T STAND Marc Anthony ever since I read an interview where he was condescending and belittling to JLo. Weasel.

At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love getting People. I get mad when it doesn't come on Friday, cause I love to relax and start my weekend with it.
The J. Lo pictures were over the top. The babies were cute, thank God they don't seem to look like him...yet. The stollers were a gift from Sara Jessica Parker. So expensive too.

On tv, they said it took them 9 hours to shoot the pictures! They stayed in the house for that long.

I wonder how many nannies they have.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

Yummmmmm. Pacey.

At 3:23 PM, Blogger Steph said...

I love People and US Weekly, I too had that same creepy feeling and th pink sweater sent me over the edge!!!

At 8:55 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

OMG, I got a gander at that spread about JLo and that stroller picture creeped me out, too! Who pays $3K EACH, or even together? I think the next photo spread should be what that baby nursery looks like after one of the babies spews and projectile poops on those linens. Now THAT would sell magazines.

BTW, sorry I've been away from the blogs awhile. It wasn't for lack of trying to get some time to read. But hopefully, I'm back now. I missed reading the life of Swishy.

At 11:54 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

Oh my gosh. Scott and I saw Shutter with Pacie in it. He was so hot. And I only started thinking he was hot from when you were all hot for him. He really is hot!


Post a Comment

<< Home