Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, December 07, 2007

What a way to make a living

Apparently it's one of THOSE weeks in the office, because I already have another installment of workplace shenanigans. But first, a few administrative details:

* Grey's Anatomy is pretty much dead to me right now.

* My poor baby Kiefer is in jail right now. It's his birthday in two weeks! And Christmas the week after! Fortunately, he is allowed two 15-minute visits a day. Two very SPECIAL 15-minute visits a day, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

* My love affair with Jimmy Eat World has been kicked up a notch or 10 ever since the concert so it's all I listen to at work. My favorite song is Kill, my second favorite is 23, but right now I am SO loving this part of Polaris and I play just these lines over and over: "Get down on your knees, whisper what I need, something pretty/I feel that when I'm old, I'll look at you and know the world was beautiful."


OK, worky work.


We have a major issue in our office right now, a crisis which required a solid 15 minutes of discussion in our big staff meeting yesterday. Are you ready? We're losing our vending machines. Apparently we're not spending enough money on them, so unless we pick it up, we're going to have to walk the 10 steps downstairs to the machines on the second floor to get our Diet Coke fixes, and OH, THE OUTRAGE!

Person 1: "Well, look, I'll just start selling soda out of my office. 45 cents a can. Total discount. I'll keep them in the fridge across the hall."

(We have another, unused, lunch room across the hall. One guy, Person 2, works over there. That's it.)

Person 2, getting all twitchy: "You can't use that fridge. That's MY fridge! No one else is supposed to use that fridge."
Me, whispering to the person next to me: "What, is he hiding body parts in there or something?"

(Later on, I sneak over and check. There's an inordinate amount of Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi in the fridge ... and something that looks like a stuffed tube sock in a Ziploc bag in the freezer. And no, I did not look inside to see what it was. I ran away, thank you very much.)


Someone was out sick yesterday. What was wrong with him? "I got sick from walking my dogs outside in my underwear."

Which somehow--don't ask me how, because I really, REALLY did not want to delve deeper into this one--leads to this admission from another person: "I've never done that, but I DID go trick-or-treating in my underwear once."

(And not when he was, like, five, either, by the way.)


Co-worker I: "OK, so on my flight back, there was this man in front of me with the most amazing ear hair I have ever seen. I mean, it was INCREDIBLE. How do you not notice that? It was like the spoiler on a car."


A guy comes over and says he'll get rid of this MONSTROUS something or other that someone left by my desk. (Side note: Everyone ALWAYS dumps their shit on me. I have no idea why. I have a broken Magic 8 ball, Silly String, a broken bobblehead, postcards of half-naked men, a green clown wig, foot cream, golf tees ... and yet I can't throw any of it away.)

Anyway, so he comes over and says he'll get rid of it for me because it's too heavy for me to carry and everyone keeps tripping on it.

Me: "You are totally like my hero right now."
Him (picks it up and yelps): "I'm your hero who almost just SLICED HIS FINGER OFF!"
Me: "You know, if you really did slice it off, I would take your severed finger and save it in milk until they could reattach it."
Him: "You'd ... what?"
Me: "You know, milk. Until they could--oh, WAIT! I'M THINKING OF TEETH! You're supposed to put TEETH in milk, not severed appendages! OK, never mind. I'd just put it in a baggie instead."

And then later: "Hey, do you think John Bobbitt used a glass of milk?"


They're painting the elevator and the fumes are WAY strong.

Friend: "You could totally get stoned if you stayed in here long enough."
Me: "I KNOW! For real."
Friend (after a pause): "I'm going to have to drag you out of here, aren't I?"


I'm talking to one of the girls I work with when our boss walks out of the kitchen munching on some Famous Amos cookies (doing his part for Operation Save the Machines, no doubt). Apropos of nothing, he stops, waves a cookie in the air and says: "You two are a bad influence on my ..." (long pause) "... LIFE!"

It was a weird day.


At 5:53 AM, Blogger michelle said...

along the lines of your vending machine woes ... rumour has it that the tim horton's (canada's national coffee addiction) in my office building, just steps away with all the caffeine happiness, is closing ... i can't be responsible for my actions without ready access caffeine!

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

So you could write to Keifer while you know where he is.

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Rob said...

You tease me, why is Grey's dead to you now?

Your boss sounds like he is either my kind of geek or used way too many drugs in his youth. Of course it could be both as well

At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

someone stole a hot pocket the other day out of our workplace fridge.

People are freaking! LOL

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

Freaking over a Hot Pocket. Thats pretty bad. My boss once freaked over someone stealing his half eaten left overs out of the work fridge. ick.

Swishy, you work with strange people.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

Your office cracks me up. I think Moanna is on to something. You've got Keifer locked down, lonely. Now is the time to woo him. Send him Christmas cookies with a tiny nail file.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I'll bet the Famous Amos person didn't wash their hands. Might have been eating while standing at the urinal. Junk in one hand, cookie in the other.

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Chrissy said...

Grey's Anatomy is pretty much dead to me right now.

Agree, but I still watch. It is so hard for me to stop watching a show.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

LOL! I don't think Bobbit used milk... :) I think we would have heard about that sooner.

At 2:10 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You've got the funnest office ever. But after reading about the milk thing, I'm crossing you off my list of "People to call in case of emergency"


At 2:11 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

I was wonderng the same as Rob...McSteamy, McDreamy. The fact they let the other Grey in? Or how about the fact that Izze and George aren't going to make it. I thought this was supposed to be the year it was going to get 'fun' again...what happened...
As for your office, sheesh, they could write a sit-com about this stuff...oh right, they already do...

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Jules said...

When I read the part about soaking the severed finger milk, I almost spit my drink out!
House of Jules

At 4:57 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Skip the paint fumes. Use Magic Markers the old-fashioned kind. That's what my old best office mate ever use to do. And white-out, musn't forget the white out.

He is about the only thing I miss about being in the workforce.

At 9:24 PM, Blogger flea said...

man i wish my office were half as entertaining/interesting as yours...

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Melek said...

i'd love to be a fly on your cube wall to take all this in in person.

At 10:05 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Weird day but a good one, huh? I just have to know, do you carry your little notebook around with you and jot all this down during the day, cuz I know a rare few know about your blog at work so it's not like you can yell, "I've gotta save that for the BLOG!"

You're the best!

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Andie said...

you and I had similar days.

have you ever entered this conversations at your office into "overheard in the office.com"

and are you over grey's as well? Is it a bit over the top now to you?

it's like General Hospital now. too much drama. (and not the right kind)

At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanna work where you work LOL

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Karen said...

OK, wait. Grey's is dead to you? Don't let it be dead. I know, this week was kinda sucky - I agree. But don't let go...yet. I'm sure it'll get better.

Just stopping by to say hello. Funny that Kiefer is in jail. I guess it's a good time for that, considering the strike and everything.

Hi from Wisconsin!

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Patti said...

while i read the entire post i was thinking of my kiefer the whole time. yeah, sure, christmas trees around the world are happy he's safely behind bars, but me, and you?! ohhhh kiefer!

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Rob said...

" Grey's Anatomy is pretty much dead to me right now."

We just now finished watching the last episode on the DVR. Now I know what you meant. In my amateur opinion the writing was very clumsy. The situations were so contrived and phony I found myself rolling my eyes several times. I am a chronic eye roller but I can’t recall ever having done it during Grey’s before let alone several times in one episode.

The writing has always been what held me to Grey's so I was shocked to see how poor it was this time.

Everyone has a bad day now and then so hopefully it will come back up to its prior high standards again.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger kerri said...

please write about why grey's is dead to you now-
i feel quite the opposite. it is quite alive for me and i really want to know why you don't care about it anymore?!?!?!?

At 12:20 PM, Blogger kim said...

My BIL -- don't ask me why -- has Jon Bobbitt's autograph. Yeah, he signed his name and then he drew a little picture of a butcher knife.

I'm truthin for real.

At 9:23 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Milk!! John Bobbitt!! You are so funny!!!

At 2:37 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Kim, that is SO FUNNY!!!

OK, my biggest problem with Grey's is that I think the way they treat Meredith is SICK. For real. For months, it has been absolutely maddening to me because no one wants to acknowledge DEREK'S role in her trust issues. And now, she gets ready to open up and what does she get? (I won't say for those who haven't seen it yet, but those of you who have watched know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!) I seriously cannot handle it.

At 12:10 AM, Blogger La La said...

I don't like the way Meredith is treated either! I was disappointed this week, too.

You are too funny! Thanks for the laughs.


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