Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


You'll never believe who I hung out with this weekend. Remember him? The guy who thinks I'm a stalker? Turns out being a stalker WORKS! Who knew?

(Just kidding. I'm not really a stalker. Just stalkerazzi. Yes, there's a difference!)

Anyway. Hung out with Mr. Thinks I'm a Stalker and a bunch of his friends all weekend. A few things I learned:

1. GPS doesn't just come in cars.
2. Technology is an awesome thing.
3. Certain kinds of dimples are known to have hypnotic powers.
4. It can take five hours to watch a two-hour movie.
5. It's possible to go 24 hours without drinking a single thing.
6. Security for NFL teams is hard-freaking-core, even for cute blonde girls. Perhaps especially.
7. Cab drivers can be shaaaaady!
8. Guys don't like to play UNO.

So Friday night we're figuring out where to go, and we find out a couple of guys are already at this place called Cans. "Cans?" I say. "That sounds like a STRIP CLUB!" Is it a strip club? we ask. Noooo, says the driver.

Well. No, it was not a strip club, but believe me, there were some aspiring strippers in the mix. But first, a couple things about this place: Youngest crowd EVER! (A girl walked by and one of the guys was like, "So ... fake ID?" and she totally flipped him off. Ha.) And SO MANY MORE GUYS than girls! Seriously, if you're a girl looking to hook up, let me know, and I'll tell you how to get to this place. It's like a 3-to-1 ratio.

Also, drunkest crowd ever, which leads us to ... our aspiring strippers! Or stripper. We go downstairs where it's a little less crowded, and all of a sudden this girl pulls a stool out from the bar to the middle of the floor and starts dancing and grinding like she's on an audition for the Pussycat Dolls. Or Showgirls: Back on the Pole. Whatever. "She's doing her stripper internship here!" I hiss. UNBELIEVABLE car wreck ... which means, naturally, I couldn't turn away. After a minute or two, a guy sidles up next to me. "So," he says, "do you think you could dance better than that?"

Yes. He really did ask me that.

"Uh," I say, "no."

So the place closes and five of us pile in a cab. We're only going ... oh, 10 minutes away? 15? OK, seriously, this cab ride was like 50 MINUTES LONG!

Guy 1: "Dude, I'm FROM here. I KNOW you're going the wrong way. Quit trying to SCREW us. You are the WORST frigging cab driver EVER. We are SO not paying you for this."
Guy 2, yelling out the window at a guy following a girl down the street: "You're not getting any tonight, dude, so just give it up now." (Among many other funny, yet probably unprintable, things that I can't remember right now.)

Guy 3 starts chugging a bottle of Gatorade and throws the empty bottle out the window when he's done. We're like, dude, where did you get Gatorade?

Yup. It was the cab driver's. Ohhhhh, what a cab ride.

The next night, Mr. Thinks I'm a Stalker and I are eating dinner and the waitress decides she really likes him. I mean, REALLY likes him. She's all tossing her hair and giving him the screw me eyes, and I'm all, hellllllooooooo, can I get some mustard please?

So get this. You'll die, I mean, for real, die. She comes back to the table with some mustard and is like, so, you want to see a picture this girl I work with drew of me? And she busts out this piece of paper, kind of like a glorified stick figure, with two little marks in the middle. "See that?" she says, eyes batting a mile a minute. "Those are my nipples." And then she points down at her shirt. "My bra has this wire thing in the middle, and she's like, it looks like you have nipples in the middle! And then there's two other wire things, so it looks like I have eight nipples!"

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, yes, she did.

For real. She did.

I know. I know!

He still left with me, you'll all be glad to know. I know. I was surprised, too. After all, I only have two.

So ... I'm leaving out a ton, but I am sleeeeeepy! There was not a lot of sleep going on, plus I braved the snow to work almost 12 hours on Sunday. But it was fun and crazy and Mr. I Need to Think of a Better Nickname than Thinks I'm Not a Stalker did a great job of keeping me entertained.

Although would you believe that ONCE AGAIN I failed to take my usual load of stalkerazzi photos? I'm slipping, ohhhh, I'm slipping.


At 5:39 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

Oh man, I am in such trouble. So I woke up at 4:00 because I'm losing my mind and decided it was time to eat breakfast and go to work. While eating breakfast, I log on and get my Swishy fix. Start laughing, naturally, wake up the puppy AND my guy, who says "who you talking to??" Will not believe I wasn't on the phone or chatting because why else would I be laughing out loud for real?

Seriously, this is your funniest post ever. But I'm sad there's no pics of the dimples.

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

I think I would have had to leave the waitress 10 pennies in the bottom of a water glass.

You are slipping, no pictures, really? We're going to have to revoke your stalkerazzi badge soon!

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Angela WD said...

Oh no she didn't! Do you think the nipple waitress actually gets any dates that way?

Sounds like a crazy fun night. What happened with the taxi driver?

At 12:29 PM, Blogger Beth said...

oh yes you are in trouble!!! I wanted a picture of the Stripper and 8 Nipples!!!! Swishy? You are such a slacker! Get your camera out!

Now what's this about the NFL thing?

and we SOOOOOOO nned a pix of Dimples!!!!

At 12:36 PM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

8 Nipples!? Apparently, I am totally lacking in the nipplage department. No wonder I don't have a boy friend.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Crazed said...

I'm so glad you posted! Score one for the two nippled girl!

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

Wow, People amaze me sometimes. You really do need to have a cameraman follow you. It could be the next VH1 reality show - Swishy Life. I would even convince me to invest in cable tv.

At 2:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

swishy! we need to hear more about this guy! what's his story???

At 2:55 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

Don't mother cats have that many nipples? Is that really the way to pick up guys? I must be REALLY out of the loop. Why do girls like that insist on flirting with guys on dates? I've never understood that.

I'm with everyone else who says they wish you had dimple pictures. I'm all for being hypnotized...

At 3:29 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

So a least post a pic of the guy who thinks you are a stalker since you took like 10 of him??

At 4:40 PM, Blogger Andie said...

yeah, I'm with ttq. pictures of him at least?

8 nipples? that woman is a nutbag.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

No pics? Ack! Slacker!

Seriously, the lady with the 8 nipples? I would probably have tried to make stalker-dude laugh by cracking jokes, but inside I'd be on fire. What kind of woman hits on a guy who's on a date?

At 6:00 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

How very fun! But you are slipping on the stalker pics...don't let Mr. Thinks You're a Stalker rob you of your photo ops! Tell him to man up and enjoy it--Swishyland is an interesting place to be :)

At 8:37 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:38 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Oh, and I think there probably were pictures? Huh? I can't believe you took a mini vacation but failed to take ANY pictures? That's so unlike you Swishy!

At 12:58 AM, Anonymous iwastherrrrethisweekend said...

i vote you show them pics, ALL the pics.

At 7:07 AM, Blogger kay said...

8 nipples. hope you left her a big enough tip to get that taken care of.


At 11:13 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

If I had an 8 nipple deformity I certainly wouldn't TELL people. I think you should have taken her picture.

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Dude. I can't believe he chose you over the 8 nippled freakadoo.

That is too funny.

your life makes mine look SO boring.

At 7:04 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

You should have left her a tip: Join the circus and quit waitressing. She'll get paid for what she is doing for free

At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This guy sounds pretty spry....

At 10:21 PM, Blogger Colorado Writer said...

OMG. I am so totally going to stay married!

What a crazy night. And it kinda sounds like you had fun.

At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yah for hypnotic dimples ;)

and I nearly died laughing when you said 'stripper internship' - that is hilarious.

Shoot, where can I get a bra that makes it look like I have 8 nipples? I'd be the shit. (j/j)

At 9:10 PM, Blogger flea said...

hahaha omg i cannot believe that someone, anyone for that matter would pull out a pic and talk about nipples, let alone 8 of them...

and really no pics? boo

ah well it was still a pretty good post..i'll give it an A-

LOL kidding you are hilarous as usual

At 9:29 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are all cracking me up!!! I might be able to finagle a dimples pic :)

Spry ... ha ha ha.

At 1:29 AM, Blogger Barrie said...

Please go back and take a picture of the waitress. Pleeeaaase. Come on. It's Christmas.

At 12:49 PM, Blogger KATE said...

Wow, SO much more entertaining than my weekend!! I changed diapers, ate myself into a bigger pant size (again) & cleaned house! Wanna trade?
ha ha ha!
How fun, & I think Mr. Thinks I'm a Stalker is a fabulous nickname!! hee hee


Post a Comment

<< Home