Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Scenes from the office

I have been a bit of a naughty blogger the past few days, but I have a good reason. A few good reasons. Such as:

1. I've been up until like 5 a.m. the past three nights.
2. I've been up until like 5 a.m. the past three nights.
3. I've been up until ...

OK, fine. One good reason. But it IS a good reason, a good reason that would probably make a good and even great blog post, but I'm sleep-deprived and delirious and I don't know where to start. And knowing where to start is important, because it's kind of a good story. So we'll have to come back to that. Instead ... scenes from work. Which is not nearly as exciting, but in the interim that's what we've got.

**********

Since we work long, crappy days on Sundays, they bring us food sometimes. Tonight we got sub sandwiches. We all get done eating, and then ...

Co-worker 1: Did the sandwiches taste like Windex to you?
Me: Did the ... what? No. Why?
Co-worker 1: Me neither, but those guys said they tasted Windex.
(Co-worker 2 walks by.)
Me: Did the sandwiches taste like Windex to you?
Co-worker 2: Yeah! YEAH! They totally tasted weird!
Me: OK, but Windex? Really? How do you even know what Windex tastes like?
Co-worker 2: Oh, I KNOW. Trust me. (Pauses.) I didn't really care, though, I just kept eating it.
(Walks away, and a few minutes later I get this instant message:)
WTF! I WANTED MY WINDEX ON THE SIDE SO I COULD DIP MY SANDWICH IN IT!

And no, this kind of thing isn't really out of the ordinary.

**********

My friend comes up to me and tosses a postcard on my desk: "Here you go, pervert." It's a photo of a muscle man hanging from a trapeze wearing nothing but a pair of pink and white briefs.

Again, not remotely out of the ordinary.

**********

We have a flat screen that hangs right next to my desk, and this other girl and I can see it. We'll turn it on and then we'll forget about it. And then all of a sudden we'll hear a strange noise and look up to see someone getting the crap beat out of them on Cops, or Homer Simpson chugging beer, or tonight, an infomercial. An infomercial for a machine that cranks out chicken nuggets. Very, VERY creepy-looking chicken nuggets.

And yes, that's the whole story. THAT'S how creepy this machine was.

**********

I've brought in Rolos to put in the candy dish on my desk.

Co-worker 1: I know someone who calls Rolos Rollas.
Me: Did you ever see that movie Spellbound? There was a kid on there from a place called Rolla.
Co-worker 2: I SAW THAT MOVIE! Wasn't that the kid who, like, looked like he was about to go on the roof any second with a gun and start firing away at people?
Me: Um ... yeah.
Co-worker 2: I bet he was home-schooled. All the kids like that are home-schooled.
Co-worker 3 (yelling from over the cubicle): Hey! I was home-schooled!

**********

I call someone a few cubicles away to tell them they did a good job on something. I ask who else worked on it, and then say I'm going to call him next.

Guy: He can already hear you.
Me: No, he cannot.
Guy: Yes, he can. Everyone can hear everything.
Me: That is not true. You can hear me laughing, but not talking. He can't hear me.
Guy: Yes, he can.
Me: No, he can't.
A chorus of people from the other side of the cubicle wall (including the guy I'm talking about): YES, HE CAN!

**********

Something hits me in the back. It's a Rolo. This happens again, oh, a half-dozen more times the rest of the night. Apparently Rolos, in addition to their chocolately shell and creamy caramel filling, are quite fun to throw.

Note to employers: This is what happens when your employees are working a 12-hour day.

23 Comments:

At 8:08 AM, Blogger Sherry said...

Oh the things I miss about no longer working in an office!! LOL!!

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

It's like your own personal The Office show!!

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I gotta say, that's one of the better posts (I was going to say "funner" but had to admit it's not a word) I've ever read about office life. Who knew that all I was missing was Rolos and Windex?

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

Windex sandwiches, ick.
Do you ever just happen to leave the tv on the channel shows you like come on?
There is a place in MO called Rolla, its were the math/science nerdy people go to school. Guy to girl ration is like 7 to 1.

 
At 12:23 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Swishy....quick, run to CVS and get a HUGE bottle of Tylenol pm...works wonders!

I would love to work with you!!! Sounds like fun!

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

I LOLed. :)

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

Am I the only person reading this who has no clue what a Rolo is? And I grew up 40 miles south of Rolla, Missouri. The ratio of cows to people is like 100 to 1. Just thought you'd wanna know.

That may help to explain why I don't know what a Rolo is but then again, maybe not.

This is the funnest post ever. Funnest is now a word, unlike funner. Ok, crazy is catching.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Well, it sounds like you at least get to share your miserable time in hell (oops, I mean work) with some pretty fun coworkers. :)

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Melek said...

i can't believe you have to work on a Sunday. back in my 'office' days (if you can call it that, there were only like 11 of us) we worked late during the busy season, but NEVER on the weekend. i'd be throwing rollos too! :)

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger Andie said...

oh my god. that just totally made my monday.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

Were you up until 5 AM by choice?

I wish I had that sort of fun at my office. Instead I work with a bunch of CPAs who don't even dress up for Halloween!

 
At 5:19 PM, Blogger Chrissy said...

You and your office people are hysterical!

 
At 6:01 PM, Blogger Rob said...

I realize I am a bit dyslexic but I am confused on a few points. A little help please? Why do you work with so many cow-orkers? Are Rolos needed to properly ork cows? Why does cow orking require 12 hour work days?

Does the 100 to 1 cow to people ratio in the area 40 miles south of Rolla Missouri have anything to do with how rolos are used to ork cows? I have a bad feeling the 7 to 1 ratio of men to women in Rolla Missouri definitely would lead to cow orking but I cold be wrong.

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

YOU ARE SOOO FUCKING HILARIOUSLY FUNNY AND I AM SOOO FUCKING LUCKY TO HAVE YOU AS MY BBFF IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD, NOT JUST THE BLOG WORLD BUT THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD! I LOVE YOU!!! AND I KNOW WHY YOU'VE BEEN UP SINCE FIVE A.M.!!! SO THERE!!

I LIKE ROLLAS! CUZ THAT'S HOW I ROLLA!

 
At 12:14 AM, Anonymous 5amcharmer said...

you know what is so funny ha ha? when you figure it out, let me know.

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

You and your co-workers sound like they need to have a major holiday party!! I have never worked in an office, I think I am missing out on a lot of fun, crazy times. I think 12 hour days will do that to people. Now get some sleep!!

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Patti said...

rolos...not just for yummy scarfing anymore.

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

My office days were never like this! I might have actually had some fun at work if they were. What on earth do you do for a living??

So funny, thanks for making me laugh again!

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Angela--if she tells you that, she'd have to kill you. But, if you read one of her older posts, about killing people and disposing of their bodies, then you would have figured it out--didn't you know that Swishy works in a funeral home!

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

I get hit with stuff at work too. But it's never as tasty as Rolos.

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Such sparkling conversation!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home