Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Holiday hangover

I am tired. Which is a pretty impressive feat considering I took a nap every day over the weekend and mustered up the energy to shower, oh, twice? Three times? Apparently eating massive quantities of pretzel-less Turtle Chex Mix is even more taxing than I thought!

Before I drop dead of sleepiness, a few things ...

* So remember this? I have a new one to add to the list. Do you know what happens when you talk about Project Runway all the time? You get a sewing machine for Christmas is what happens. Ha! Need I remind you that I got a D in sewing in junior high? That I barely mastered the art of making scrunchies in the '80s before hitting a massive sewing plateau? I DO, however, watch Project Runway on a continuous loop late at night, and that trumps all ineptitude, damning as the evidence may be.

In related news, I will soon be holding a sock giveaway on my blog. Or maybe pot holders. Ha.

* In other gift news, my sisters gave me a karaoke machine. Once again, a case of my big mouth getting me in trouble. I talk all the time about how it would be SO fun to do karaoke. Do I ever do it? Of course not.

Until now! Oh, my goodness, if you could have been in my parents' living room the other night ... let's just say the scene of my mother shimmying up and down and singing about how she's a genie in a bottle and you've got to rub her the right way ... oh, man. I could have lived the rest of my life very happily without that visual (and her subsequent, "Whaaaaat? Women my age still need to be rubbed the right way!" AHHHH. My ears, my ears.) Your friend Swishy classed up the joint with a booty-shaking "Oops, I Did it Again" and my most Cher-tastic rendition of "Believe." I am fairly certain my brother has it all on YouTube by now.

* So I'm flying home and a college basketball player ends up folding his 6-6 (actually, wait, I just looked at the roster: 6-7) self into the middle seat next to me. I feel bad for him because I'm a foot shorter and even I feel squished in those seats, so I don't get too mad when he totally starts encroaching on my personal space. But then ... then he falls asleep. On my shoulder. And THEN--here's the kicker--HE STARTS RUBBING MY LEG IN HIS SLEEP! Like, seriously, rubbing my leg. I sat there and took it because, I mean, what am I going to do? Pick his hand up and put it back on his lap? Nudge his head off my shoulder? He might wake up! And how mortifying would THAT be?

I went from the airport into work and told them about it, and all the guys just looked at me, like, seriously, you cannot possibly be that naive. I was like, what? He was asleep! And they're all, oh, Swish, Swish, Swish, he was definitely not asleep.

Hmm.

* Oh, yeah, one more thing: So I had to check the sewing machine as luggage, you know, but smart girl that I am, I packed an empty duffle bag that I could carry on just in case. So I pack up my real suitcase the night before I leave, and I figure I'll just toss everything that doesn't fit into the duffle bag. Which is exactly what I do.

Well. After waiting through a long-ass line to check my bags and then another long-ass line to get through security, I get pulled off to the side. "There is no way you're getting on a plane with this bag," says the security guard. I'm trying to think, OK, what illegal contraband did I accidentally pack this time ... turns out it was like EVERYTHING IN THE BAG. I do not know HOW I forgot the 3-ounce rule, but I did. My shower gel was in there, my hairspray, my lotion, a six-pack of Dr Pepper ... OK, just kidding. But a lot of stuff, all the stuff I use to get ready in the morning. So I had to go back to the counter, check that bag, and wait in the security line AGAIN to get through.

Ever since then my phone has been dropping, which it hardly EVER does. I am almost positive that I have been put on a government watch list after boldly trying to smuggle Pantene hairspray onto the plane, and the dropped calls are really George Bush listening to my conversations. Either he's entertained beyond belief or bored out of his mind. Tough call.

31 Comments:

At 1:16 AM, Anonymous zzzzzzzz said...

zzzzzzzzzzz

 
At 3:04 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

If zzzzzzzzzzzzzz is implying that your post was boring he or she is LAME because as always it was throughly and completely entertaining!

I got a sewing machine a few years ago. I nearly failed sewing in junior high too. I don't think I could have pulled off a scrunchie and my fuzzy blue foot pillow only had four toes. Needless to say, I took back the sewing machine and live vicariously through Tim Gunn and the crew.

 
At 8:25 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

I think zzzzzzzzzz is fantasizing rubbing your leg! haha so funny

The sewing machine? I'm thinking re-gifting. And I love your mom. Speaking as someone from her generation (or probably older but let's not go there), I can tell she's an honest woman. hahaha Sorry Swish.

This is your best ever posting. They just keep getting better. I'm thinking book deal. One blogger got one on having people send in their To Do lists, so why couldn't you do one on all this seriously funny brilliant stuff??

Happy New Year to you. Thanks for making my 2007 brighter!

 
At 8:41 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

Sewing machines come in handy when you have to make things like curtains and pillow covers. Every few months I go on an HGTV bender and dust off the old Singer and make a few tablerunners and curtains until I'm sick of it... :)

Funny about the basketball player. I think I agree with your coworkers.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

But did you like having your leg rubbed??

 
At 9:32 AM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I so want a sewing machine too!

Yeah, I want to know if you liked the leg rubbing, because I would have pushed his arm right off!

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Melek said...

i think he was just 'rubbing you the right way' like your mom said ;)

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Patti said...

omg! i can't believe you fell for the hunky bb player being "asleep"! he's gonna be all in the locker room telling about this hot girlie he sat next to on the plane....all net!

and bush always listens in on us. it's way more entertaining than spying on hillary.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

I just about failed sewing, too. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

I love your mom. I would have been singing 'lalalala' if my mom said that to me, TMI, mom!

I think you might have been taken advantage on the plane. Wait until this guy is worth some money and then go after him for restitution ;)

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Oh, Swish, Swish, Swish...he SO was not asleep! If you were 6'7" could you sleep in the middle seat on a plane?

I love the larger theme of your Christmas gifts...Swishy Sews & Sings! 2008 is gonna be a fun year. Is it too early to put in a request for a blue scrunchy? :)

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger Andie said...

ha! you got a sewing machine! I can't wait to see what you wind up sewing.

and um, yeah, I think that guy was totally trying to cop a feel.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

I think the awkwardness of someone rubbing my leg would be enough to shift positions to wake him up, unless he were cute and I weren't married. But, no, that's just weird.

Is karaoke really about singing or just having fun? Because i have fun singing, even though my voice would get me on the (to make fun of) episode of American Idol. I could see me and William Hung's albums right next to each other at the used cd shop.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger kay said...

so what are you going to make first? i think you should get $50 and 10 minutes to pick your fabric. before you go i will give you what your project is going to be. ready?

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger Kristabella said...

Seriously, that dude was SO not sleeping. I'm 6 feet tall and can't sleep at all on planes, let alone in the middle seat.

But props to him on the effort! And seeing the word NAIVE written across your forehead. :)

OK, karaoke machine? Awesome. Sewing machine? Um, I wouldn't even know where to begin.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger icanseeclearlynow said...

LOL!! oh swishy, where do it start?! you are so funny! your naivete gave me the giggles cause i thought I was gullible.

i love the way you describe your mom and her performance! LOL!

you tell great stories girlie!

:D

maria

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger icanseeclearlynow said...

i meant where do "I" start, not "it". ugh!

:-/

 
At 6:00 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Did he give you his phone number? He should have to give you a call after all that intimacy at least.

One plane ride stand and all!

 
At 11:35 PM, Blogger Scribe LA said...

Happy Holidays! May 2008 bring warmth and brightness :)

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I totally think you should hold a contest and give away the first thing you make on that sewing machine.

That would be CRAPTASTIC!!!!

Why didn't you offer to switch seats with the pervert?

And I so wish I was there to do karaoke with you and your family. That is sooo out of a movie, it's not even funny!!!

Sidenote: Did you see Juno yet??? Fantabulous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Missing the IMming with my BBFF!! And we've got to talk serious for real resolution book stuff soon!!!

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger Barrie said...

Maybe the college basketball player is actually CIA?? It's quite possible you've been on Bush's radar for a while now...

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

I would be just as naive. Rubbing your leg? My gosh...

I think I would die if my mom had even heard of "Genie in a Bottle". Oh you poor thing.

Happy Holidays!

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

I'm as naive as you Swish...I'd have thought for sure the guy was asleep!!! Opportunity = missed!!!!

What are you sewing as of this date?!? Something divine I'm sure...curtains, a slip cover...some socks?!?!! A cover for the karaoke machine?!?! LOL!!

I'm up for a sock giveaway...got way too many pot holders!!! LOL! You always crack me up!!!

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I can't wait to see your first "creation" and if it stays true to your "vision"....If only Timm Gunn would come to your doot and tell you "make it work!"

My eyes!!! My eyes!!! Your mom is cracking me up! I see it runs in the family! Now I gotta go search through Youtube!!

oh, and he SOOOOOOOOOOOO wasn't sleeping!!

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Has anyone asked the obvious? Was the basketball player cute?

Merry Belated to ya!

 
At 5:50 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

Your post made me smile! I always hated sewing so much, could never do it. Now who loves to sew, my girls, of course. Grandma just bought Hannah a sewing machine. I feel so lame, cause they didn't learn from me. Can't wait to see your socks.
I don't think the Basketball Player was asleep. Was he good looking? You are too nice.

Happy New Year!

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

Swish... he was not "asleep". He was feeling up the hot blond in the seat next to him!

Happy New Year! May the coming year be more wonderful than the last!

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

Welcome to "The List". Big Brother is watching you. It's no big deal. I've been on "The List" since I was 18 and wrote protest slogans all over my draft registration card.

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

Happy New Year Swish!!! May you create on your sewing machine, design yourself something "fab" and be felt up by many more athletes as the new year unfolds!!!

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger JODI said...

B/C I too love Project Runway here is what we have to look forward to this Wednesday:
http://shopping.beloblog.com/archives/2007/12/zac_posen_on_jan_2_project_run.html

If I may make a suggestion...let you first sewing project, using that new machine, be flannel pajama bottoms. Reintroduce yourself to the concept of sewing straight lines.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

Ew with the rubbing.

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Karaoke mysteriously works in powers of six. After the 6th drink it is really fun. After the 12th drink it really fun. After the 18th drink it is the funniest thing there could possibly ever be. Having a karaoke would make me drink to much! :)

Hey, so the old "falling asleep" thing really works huh? Dang, I am gonna have to try that!

Oh, and don’t worry about Bush listening to your calls. Illegal wiretaps have been outsourced to India and China. It’s really Surianglebinbabad you hear clicking on and off the line. It’s the best eavesdropping you can get to $2.93 cents a day!

 

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