Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Scenes from Thanksgiving

On the shuttle at the airport:

Woman next to me: I cannot believe much luggage I have. We're going to New Zealand for seven days, and then Fiji for seven days so ... it's a lot of stuff.
Woman across from me: You're going to New Zealand? I'm from New Zealand!
WNTM: No way! Are you going there now?
WAFM: Oh, no. I'm going to Maui.


Me: Yeah, well, I'M going to Michigan, so ...


Conversation at Thanksgiving dinner:

Mom: Who is this Tila Tequila, anyway?
Me: She has, like, the most friends on MySpace or something.
Mom: She has a dating show on MTV. A BISEXUAL one.
Me: Yeah, I know. I don't watch it, though.
Mom: FRIENDS. (Harrumphs.) So friends, huh? That's what they're calling it now?
Me: Mom, it's just the word they use. Saying someone has a lot of friends doesn't mean anything.
Mom: I don't know about that.
Me: Like, if I friend Danny (my brother) on Facebook, it doesn't mean it's sexual.

(Long silence.)

Dan: Ew.


Brother: Get up, I'm going to Best Buy.
Me, shoving my face deeper into the pillows: I just went to sleep, like, 15 minutes ago.
Brother: Shut up. It's already 6:30. I waited, like, a whole hour just so you wouldn't whine about it.
Me (muffled): I can't move.
Brother: Get up.
Me: Five more minutes. Give me five more minutes.
Brother: FINE.

(Five minutes later.)

Brother: It's been five minutes.
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm tiiiiiiiiiiiiired.
Brother: You are SUCH a baby.
Me: But I'm waaaaaaarm. It's cooooooold outside.
Brother: GET UP.

(Five minutes later.)

Brother: Why aren't you up yet?
Me: I can't do it. I don't even know where I am right now. I'm delusional. I can't shop while I'm delusional.
Brother: You are so pathetic.


I'm at the airport, coming back home. I sit on the floor near my gate, look up and ... oh, my gosh, is that Matt Saracen? It totally looks like Matt Saracen. I LOVE MATT SARACEN! (Matt Saracen = just the cutest piece of jailbait ever on Friday Night Lights.)

All right, you know what that means (if you don't, just ask my friend the CIA operative). I sneak my camera out of my bag and surreptitiously position it so Matt Saracen can't tell I'm about to take his picture from across the terminal. And then I capture the moment for posterity.

Hi, QB1!


All right, I can't help myself, I have to rant a little. Despite not being a super-patient person in general, I am a very patient traveler in many ways. I don't mind layovers and I don't mind delays, and I don't even mind getting stranded overnight as long as I don't have to sleep on a hard, nasty floor. What I do mind, however, are people who act like they have never seen the inside of an airport before (kind of like the people who look at ATMs they're like something from another planet). Like, really? You're surprised you have to take off your shoes? You're surprised you can't waltz through the metal detector, laptop in hand, with your cell phone, keys and wallet chain dangling out of your pocket?

Also, I know this may not be a popular opinion, but it is REALLY worth reclining your seat the extra two inches if someone's sitting behind you? Someone who's TRYING TO USE A LAPTOP? And finally, I need someone to explain to me why a person would voluntarily choose to sit in a middle seat between two people instead of walking back a few more feet to any one of the several empty rows in the middle of the plane. Is it about being in the front of the plane? Because I don't get what's so exciting about that. I'm not on the Amazing Race. It's not going to get my bags on the carousel any sooner, it's not going to get me my peanuts and Dr Pepper any faster. So ... why? What am I missing? Someone? Anyone?


Matt Saracen just got on the ... oh. Oh. False alarm. It's not really Matt Saracen.


The guy getting on the plane behind me starts whistling the Gilligan's Island theme song. Forgive me for my limited knowledge of '60s sitcoms, but didn't they, you know, CRASH ON A DESERT ISLAND on that show? Like a ha-ha funny version of Lost, minus the plane and the mysterious monster and the Others? Just WHAT is he trying to say?


Girl behind me: Southwest just, like, totally took our word for it that our bags weren't overweight.
Boy behind me: Yeah, Southwest is cool like that.

We are SO going to crash.


At 3:45 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Oh Swishy. Your posts are always good for a laugh!

I must know. Did you make it out on Black Friday? Not me. I stayed in bed until 9:00 or something like that. I stayed in my jammies until somewhere around 3:00. It was niiiiice!

Sorry the dude was the incorrect dude. At least the Gilligan people started out on a boat and not a plane. But how long was the flight? It wasn't a three hour tour, was it??

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

I so don't miss traveling on the holidays, you get to see it all then.

I was warm in my bed on Black Friday, too. I sent out the hubby in the cold ;)

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Dude! That did look like Matt Saracen. I was soooo gonna be jealous if you ran into him in the airport.

No FNL last night and I'm in withdrawal.

At 5:48 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

OMG too funny........ I'd never heard the term Black Friday until this year.... sounds a bit like the boxing day sales when I lived in the UK.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Rob said...

>>but it is REALLY worth reclining your seat the extra two inches if someone's sitting behind you? <<

A quick travel tip from the road warrior for ya Swish, when they recline just start coughing on the back of their head. If their hair is not moving you are not doing it right. When they set back up stop coughing. Repeat as needed. Works every time!

Your welcome.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

The good thing about airplane crashes? You totally get there before the ambulance.

I really didn't know you can get Dr. Pepper on a flight.

I wonder if you brought mentos and asked for a diet coke would they give it to you?

Friday's are my normal day for shopping for whatever, my husband asked why I was at home this Friday.... DUH. I'm a professional. Black Friday is for amateurs

At 7:16 PM, Blogger Beth said...

swish...just stick with Jack and you'll be fine...stay away from Sawyer...he's nothing but trouble...and if you see some kind of strange black smoke....RUN!!!!!

At 8:21 PM, Blogger kim said...

your secret photo taking makes me happy.

At 1:29 AM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

Couldn't your brother drive himself? Did he need your for moral/shopping-bag-carrying support?

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Melek said...

rob: hahah...cough on the back of their head. that's awesome. i'll totally try that. i usually just resort to flicking boogers on them. they dont move, but i bet they get funny looks for the rest of the day.

Swishy: i totally understand about the people who have never been in an airport before. last time i flew, the middle-aged couple in security in front of me were totally befuddled by having to take their laptop out of the case, take off their shoes (AND BELT??!), and then, of course, they get a 'bag check.' first thing pulled out of there? a huge bag of their bathroom stuff. including a FULL-SIZED aerosol can of Right Guard. i didnt even know they sold it like that anymore. needless to say, they lost like 90% of what they were trying to carry on. dont people watch the news or talk to their friends? geeze...

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, in my brother's defense, I told him I would go with him since we were going to go in on a few gifts together. But I trusted his judgment :)

With the seat thing, if I see it coming, I'll stick my knees up against the seat so they think their thing is broken and can't recline. I need to try the coughing thing.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

I would love to travel somewhere with you..just the getting from point A to B would be the wildest ride of my life!! You do know how to make a person laugh!!

At 2:04 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Are you a 100% sure that wasn't our beloved QB1? It looks just like him. I would have tossed him a football or nonchalantly coughed the word Smash...it is what I do.

At 5:19 PM, Blogger Travis Erwin said...

I so like hope you didn't crash. As always thanks for making me chuckle.

Hey how come my word verification has dork (njwdorkn) in the middle of it? IS that suppsoied tp be some karmatic joke?

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Thank you, guys :)

OK, seriously, I did a little photo work on that Saracen picture so I could see him better, and I mean, it REALLY looks like him. And I was in the Chicago airport, he's from Chicago ... just saying ...

At 10:02 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Good that you didn't crash!

You sooo need to write a book...

Scenes from a ...


It would rock!

And my word verification...


like ...

gyne... ewwwww.

At 10:22 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Only you can make a Thanksgiving trip back to your hometown hysterically funny, with faux-celebrity sightings and all. And about the overpacking--who made out best on Gilligan's Island? The Howell's--who packed almost everything they owned. If you're gonna end up stranded on an island, you'll want some provisions.

I think you're very wise :)

At 12:18 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

Sounds like a good trip. Black Friday is evil, unless you need some kind of electronic devices. Thats the only reason I'll go. You can always find a deal on a sweater.

Maybe you could be a PI. I can just see you in a trench coat on a stake out, eating take out.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

So glad you made it home OK. You went from Chicago to Michigan for the holidays? Me too. Only we drove instead of flying.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

I love the QB too!!! And the real dude isn't jail bait. You could so get some of that without worrying about the fuzz coming down on you!

As always, love the post...:)

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

For years I've been saying that 'Lost' is just a high dollar remake of 'Gilligan's Island'. I'm glad I'm not alone.

At 5:01 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

During our Thanksgiving meal, my sister in law's father begins talking about, "The greatest fight I've seen on TV! I'm talking about better than Hollyfield or Tyson. It was on Tila Tequila last night." I then fell off my chair.

I think anyone who reclines on airplanes (unless there is no one is the seat behind them) is RUDE and I kind of hate them.

If it had been Matt Saracen and you had crashed on Gilligan's Island. How cool would that have been?

At 7:14 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Girl, you are on a ROLL with the funny! I can almost hear you talking.


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