Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Ra, ra, ra, random!

Well, I had all the makings of a funny--nay, HILARIOUS!--post today, but unfortunately my IM crashed before I could read it all over again. It crashes all the time at work (where I use a Mac), because I refuse to give in and use iChat and that is Apple's way of sticking it to me. Well, I'm sorry, but I will take Apple's punishment any day over the potential train wreck that is sending IMs to the wrong people. Which I invariably manage to do every time I use iChat.

So, in lieu of funny, a fistful of random:

Good news! The next time you're picking up your emergency pack of toilet paper and midnight chocolate fix at Rite-Aid, you can buy a paternity test, too. I am SO relieved. Because, you know, I was going to go on Maury Povich to find out, but first the producers wouldn't return my calls, and then I had to talk the baby daddies into coming on the show, and I couldn't get the time off work ... but now I don't have to worry about any of that! I can just go to Rite-Aid!

Seriously. $29.99 paternity tests at the corner drugstore. And you're telling me there are people who still doubt that America is the greatest nation on the planet?


Funniest line from Project Runway tonight: "It's so ..." (wrinkles nose) "David Beckham."


Time for a question from the book. From page 69, as selected by the one and only Manic: If you could only use one cosmetic item for the rest of your life, what would you choose? Well. I am assuming things like shampoo and deodorant don't count, so I'll say concealer. Because it's the only way to fake eight hours of sleep on five.

The other question was, if you could eliminate one odor from the earth, what would it be? Bad milk. TOTALLY. Even more than poop. I smell bad milk, and literally, I start dry heaving. I am, like, dry heaving right now just thinking about it.

Well, not really. But practically.


Conversation between higher-ups during a lull in a meeting today:

Person A: I don't like Captain Crunch.
Person B: How come?
Person A: It tears at the roof of my mouth.
Person B: Really? (Pause.) You know what's worse is generic Captain Crunch. It just gets soggy too fast.
Person A (very seriously): Sometimes, you really can't go generic.

And no, it wasn't precipitated by a single thing. Personally, I prefer Golden Grahams and Cheerios anyway.


At 5:38 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

I love it Swishy. You gave me the laugh I needed.

At 7:06 AM, Blogger kay said...


oh my gosh. the "higher-ups" and their seinfeld conversation cracked me up. how funny to think that they have nothing to talk about but cereal.

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Sherry said...

Your randoms are always classic!!

At 9:09 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

cap'n crunch does that to my mouth too. but I love it.

I couldn't live without mascara. Well, I could live, but my poor eyes would be very plain and blah...

At 9:10 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

Love your randoms!
I miss my Mac (sob).
The smell of old raw meat.
Taupe eye shadow because otherwise I don't feel dressed.

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Melek said...

i use yahoo messenger on my mac and it rarely crashes. plus, i can create a cute emoticon with it :) but it doesn't have all the bells and whistles that my pc version has. sigh.

and i agree with kay and monnik...mascara. but only if i have an eyelash curler too.

and the milk thing...yes yes yes! i smell my milk EVERY time before i pour it. even if i just opened it. i know that if it has even a hint of 'spoiled' to it and i pour it in my cereal, i'll never eat cereal again.

speaking of cereal, CC tears up my mouth too.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

LOL! Captain Crunch, I see how that's seriously important during a work meeting.

Love this post!

At 9:59 AM, Anonymous kristabella said...

I have to wholeheartedly agree with the Cap'n Crunch statements. It hurts the roof of my mouth too. But the peanut butter kind is SO good. And if you mix it with Cocoa Puffs? It's PB & Choclolate. Yum!

Also I would have to go with mascara. And tequila.

At 10:36 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I'd pick lip gloss as the one cosmetic I couldn't live without.

And the smell of farts from the guy on the treadmill next to me at the gym would be banished forever.

For the paternity test, does the guy have to pee on a stick and wait five minutes for the results? Do you BOTH pee on the stick???

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

The one cosmetic would be mascara.

The smell would be tar. While it doesn't make me want to throw up, it just gets in my nostrils and annoys me for hours giving me a headache.

As for a smell that makes me want to vomit that would be actual vomit.

I'm a cheerios girl.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Patti said...

i love the paternity test! i, too, want to know how it works. perhaps that will be my next experiment...

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I like Honeycombs and Super Sugar Crisp...and Project Runway! What. the. hell. happened??? Sweet P? WHAT? Carmen? No shirt?!!


At 12:19 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

I could not live without my eye lash curler, but since that isn't an actual product I'd choose lipstick or maybe powder.

Vomit makes me sicker than anything.

www.meebo.com combines all your IM servies into one and you don't have to download anything to the computer. Its all web-based and I love it.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

Oh, good! Now everyone will know who their "babies daddies" are! No more having to display promiscuity on talk shows just to find out!

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Rob said...

>>And the smell of farts from the guy on the treadmill next to me at the gym <<

Oops, sorry!


Swish - "Sometime you just can't do generic" See? That is the kind of zen-like wizened knowledge and insight that makes him a higher up. I mean you can’t learn shit like that at Business school!

All you have to do is eat enough cap'n cruch and the scar tissue that forms on the roof of your mouth is tough enough to enjoy all the cap'n cruch you want. I mean DUH! ;)

At 3:03 PM, Blogger KATE said...

Shut up! I knew this was a great Country! Now all the tramps out there can know for sure! ha ha ha

I'm with Patti, I think I might try it out just for fun! Like taking a pregnancy test when you're 9 months pregnant! Just for fun! ha ha

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

I love your site. It makes me laugh all the time.

At 8:04 PM, Blogger Secretmom said...

ooo, spoiled milk. yuk! i used to hate pale blue because my cousins once spilled a gallon of milk in their pale blue car in the dead of summer in Kansas nonetheless; and it was rancid in there. I will never forget how bad it was. I for years afterward would associate pale blue with that smell. I will never own a pale blue car

At 9:41 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I said number 70 because it COMES after 69. But I think I would choose Oil of Olay or toothpaste.

Smell to alleviate (spelling?): Skunk. Even more so--road-killed skunk. yuck.

And peanut butter captain crunch, although I see their point, because doesn't the regular capt crunch look like little barrels with ridges? I so get that!

And were you talking about our 12 Days IM? I didn't save it either?!?!!? Shitola!!!

ANd I didn't know you had a kid!!!

Also, totally unrelated--saw TWO movies today--August Rush -- EXCELLENT--even the music was good, and I'm sure you know the dude in the movie--johnathan rhys myers or somebody, and Enchanted--and THAT MUSIC was good too!

That is all. My meds are kicking in and I'm exhausted so I'm going to bed now. was going to im you but you weren't on when I was. ta ta my bbff.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

You always do random so well!

At 12:24 AM, Blogger XYZinn said...

That is hilarious about the CC. I totally agree. My cereal of choice lately...oatmeal. And Ryley likes it too. Bonus!

At 1:07 AM, Blogger KATE said...

Ok Swishy, my husband would so be in love with you for seeing Romo on the tv! Good job!!

At 3:12 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

LOVE the randomness that is Swishy!

I am going back and forth between concealer and mascara.

Captain Crunch totally tears up my mouth...my brothers and I had the SAME conversation after Thanksgiving! The generic around here is called Colossal Crunch and it does get soggier faster.

At 3:14 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

Oh,and Manic, shitola is my new favorite word.

At 8:44 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Cecily, I came over here to say something about Collosal Crunch sounding like it should be Colon Crunch or something like that and then read the shitola comment, and do you know how to pronounce shitola?


I say it in front of my kids all the time. It's NOT swearing!

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

I don't care how you pronounce it, it's still SHIT-ola.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Wrong-O, Swish-O, it's SHY-TOE-Lah when you have children in the house babe!

Or, sometimes it comes out...



I think you've heard me say it in real life!

And what is up with this fricking blogger nickname shit already?

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Barrie said...

I am so tempted to make a Rite-Aid run for the paternity test. To try it out with my spouse and our kids. I wonder if he'd see the humour if it didn't check out? :)

At 2:02 AM, Blogger La La said...

Too funny. Love this. Got here somehow. Following links all night. Hard to know exactly how to trace it back, but I'm glad I landed here. I laughed out loud!

I'd have to go with perfume: Heaven from the Gap or Happy from Clinique. I get too many compliments to give up perfume. Funny thing is that I can't even smell it on me, but everywhere I go people tell me I smell so good! So, gotta keep it.

Smell: burps that stink and farts. I was in line at the movies tonight and the man in front of me at the concession counter FARTED out loud. I gagged and got in the other line. Ugh!

I'll be back here. I put you on my blog roll. I need to laugh daily, and you made me do that today.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

No idea what Captain Crunch are - but love Cheerios!

Wow, on the paternity tests... worth remembering for the future....

Yikes, only one product..... it could be mascara.

At 8:16 AM, Blogger Bina said...

I would have to choose carmex. I couldn't live without that stuff on my lips.


Post a Comment

<< Home