Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Morbid Monday

Hi, everyone! So. You know those books full of questions you can ask people at a party or on a road trip or something? Questions like, "What food best describes your personality?" I love those books. I decided last night that I would pick a question and answer it today on my blog. And since I am the queen of indecision, I had my friend pick a page number for me (he picked 112). Easy, right?

Right. Of course I would get this question: "If you had to secretly dispose of a dead body, how would you do it?"

Ha ha.

Well, I learned on Friday Night Lights and Dexter that it is bad to dispose of dead bodies in the water, because they will ALWAYS be found. And you should never put a body in the trunk or backseat of your car, because the fibers will get trapped in the victim's zipper and then your cop dad will have to torch the car in a quarry somewhere to destroy the evidence. And if you hide a body in the basement or under the floorboards, it will slowly turn you insane. (Thank you, Edgar Allan Poe.)

I'm officially stumped, so I turn to my friend Google for advice. If you never listen to one thing I say, listen to this: Do NOT do a Google search on how to get rid of a dead body! Unless, of course, you want to be completely freaked out. Or if you want to never see the words lasagna, dog food, butcher, incinerator or carpet beetles the same way again.

Google did give me one good suggestion, though: Hide the body in the morgue. It's genius! Slap a tag on the toe, and no one will ever know it doesn't belong there!

Unless you've got something better ...

27 Comments:

At 3:30 PM, Blogger Patti said...

this kind of entry makes people nervous and the fbi question our motives...

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger Johnny B said...

Here's a good one. The best way to get rid of a dead body is to pretend it isn't dead at all. Throw a party at their beach house, bring them to a bank, or conga-line with them. If Weekend at Bernies taught us anything, it's that "you can be the life of the party while still dead".

Speaking of which, I wonder whatever happened to Andrew McCarthy??

 
At 4:01 PM, Blogger Melek said...

oh holy crap....LASAGNA came up as a search result? that's a recipe you WON'T be seeing on my cooking blog.
blech!

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

Remember, a friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a body.

The big problem here is that when you are moving said body, you are so freaked out that you overlook something. That's where the CSI guys get you.

 
At 5:39 PM, Blogger Secretmom said...

ha, ha. it's going to be really interesting to see the kind of searches that lead people to your site now!

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

There a ton of great places I think to hide a dead body in NJ.


Not that I would know.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I think I would have turned to see what page 111 had to offer...

:)

 
At 7:19 PM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

Ew...

Maybe you could dump it in some acidic pond in yellowstone, thereby destroying all dna evidence.

 
At 7:40 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

Do you think this entry will get you in some file or something?

I would totally put it in the incinerator in some old apartment building.

Because I apparently live in olden days.

Hey FBI! What's up? Don't worry, we don't have an incinerator in my apartment building. That I know of.

 
At 7:48 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

I'm suitably freaked out without doing the google search. I'm dying to do it, though, but I'm afraid something will happen, my computer will be confiscated and the FBI will see what I've been googling. So I'm going to just take your word for it.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

I'm still working on the things you found on your google search...that there would be information on how to hide/dispose of a dead body....yeech!!

 
At 12:09 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK! I had much to say BEFORE i even read the comment trail, but now I have EVEN MORE!! First of all--this is a WAY BETTER MORE FUN THING THAT MINUTE WITH MANIC!! I love this idea!!! You rock!

Second, to Johnny B--I have an ACTUAL WATERCOLOR painting from the Weekend at Bernie's 2 movie--yes, Iknow, hard to believe there WAS a sequel!

And if you want to know what happened to Andrew McCarthy, well, just listen to how I would dispose of a dead body and then you'll know! Bwhahahah!

OK for some strange reason, I have always thought it would be ideal to cut up a dead body and place the body parts in the lockers at the airport, then get on a plane to somehwere exotic and disappear, but I guess you can't really just disappear in the world any longer huh?

And many times when I'm driving somewhere remote, I will think to myself, "hey, they'd NEVER find a dead body in there!"

Dude, I totally think I'm having deja vu. Did we not have this same exact blogversation (and yes, I have just officially coined a new blog term: blogversation, thank you very much) recently?

OK, I am not even caffeinated.

Love YOU Swish!!! Seriously do!! How can I have an internet friend whom I love so much. And I did use the word 'whom' correctly in that context, did I not?

Swish--I want you to look up the question on page 69 to answer next! Or no, rather, page 70, because you know, it COMES right after 69... and yes, I just made that up. I rock in the lame humor department. I know. You do not have to tell me.

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ... Manic, you kill me. HA. Page 70, it is.

OK, and yes, they totally have to-do lists on the Internet about how to dispose of dead bodies. I am hoping (HOPING) they were all tongue-in-cheek, but some of them? I'm not so sure.

And don't think that didn't cross my mind about the Google thing. I Google THE most random things. The FBI would have a field day.

 
At 2:46 AM, Blogger Barrie said...

I'm thinking....crock pot. Several of them!

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Beth said...

well...I've read lots and lots of serial killer books, but it seems like they always get caught!

Scott Peterson almost got away with it...there's a STACEY PETERSON missing now..(I know, freaky, huh?) and her husband is a cop...and they haven't been able to find her body...Chandra Levy was missing for a year before they found her body in a park....

Ok, I know a little TOO much about this stuff! I guess I would hide the body in the woods somewhere...cover it with lime and let it decompose, then grind up all the bones to a powder and sprinkle it over y garden...not that I've put alot of thought into it or anything....

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Beth--is the Stacey Peterson the one who's husband is a Bolingbrook cop??? I heard he had four wives and his third one 'mysteriously' disappeared too.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

I hope you did that google search at the library and not from your own pc... :)

The dead body story line on FNL is bugging me. And you know that watch of Landry's is going to ruin it all. But I love the rest of the season so far!

My favorite dead body disposal from a movie has to be in Fargo where they use the wood chipper. Grossorama!!

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

So the next time we don't see a Swishy blog for a long time, its because some 3 letter organization arrested you for your Google searches.

Hiding it in a Morgue is genius, except for how do you get it in there. Especially if you can't transport it in your car. Bike maybe? The dead person could ride on your handlebars.
;)

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger kim said...

I will not do a search because once I woke up with the tv on to an interview with a serial killer telling what he did with the people so there were no bodies -- I can't risk knowing another tid bit like that. I will not share because there is no need for all of us to be scarred for life.

That said, I would go for a deep woods burial. I watch "snapped" (I tell Rich it's research. When he says they always get caught, I remind him of two words, "Cold Case", or these other two, "Unsolved Mystery").

Anyhow, it is always the edge of the woods, shallow grave just waiting to be found by the neighborhood dog walker that gets a murderer into trouble. That or floating suitcases with hacked up parts -- you think these life insurance purchasing criminals would learn after a while.

..."I don't know where my husband is, but he's been missing for 24 hours now and that's not like him,so he must be dead, so could you just sign this here death certificate real quick? On account a, I gotta get that life insurance check, you know, for the kids -- they lost their daddy and they're gonna need that money, right away."

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

Oh my, your post had me shivering! I watch "Snapped", too, and they always get caught.

I would be totally paranoid about the FBI finding a Google search about dead bodies on my PC. But then again, maybe they're too busy invetigating the people writing the dead body advice. Of which I KNOW NOTHING. Hear me, wiretap?

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I wonder if you've now been flagged for looking up how to get rid of a dead body, kind of like the way they flag someone for looking up how to make bombs.

At least you can always say you were doing research for a book. Though that only works if you can show how that research meshed with the storyline.

 
At 5:18 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

They flag people for Google searches? Seriously?!? ha ha ha ha.

OK, and that Snapped show? CREEPY! I fell asleep once in front of the TV and woke up with that on and couldn't sleep for the next five nights, I swear.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Trish said...

Did you ever see the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" ?

You'll never eat ribs the same way again.

But yeah...getting rid of a body could be a real conundrum. gak.

 
At 3:51 AM, Blogger Chrissy said...

Great blog idea...not too sure about the question though, hahaha!

On sunday I bought a lasagna meal, I have not touched it since you wrote this blog...I don't even want to know! It is going to be a while till I make it!

Did you ever see the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" ?

You'll never eat ribs the same way again.


I really like that movie but when that part comes up it makes my stomach turn.

 
At 8:15 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

Morbid Monday. Love that title!!

Ok, take a huge unsealed ceramec jar. Put the body in it, pour olive oil up to the neck. Come back in ten years and all you'll have is an oily ceramec jar. I read that in a book somewhere only they didn't kill the guy first, and left the head out of the jar, just made him wait as his body fell away. (I hope you're not having breakfast.)

Or, do what they did to Jimmy Hoffa.

First time I tried to post this, it wouldn't let me. Maybe blogspot knows it's TOO GROSS. I'll try it again. Just in case you actually have a dead body in your kitchen and need help, as I suspect.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Swishy!!! It's WEDNESDAY!!!! Are you ready for tonight and Tim Gunn? I can't wait for project runway!!!!

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Colorado Writer said...

Can you say WOOD CHIPPER?

OMG. This is funny. I'm literally snorting out my nose.

Would people REALLY GOOGLE on how to get rid of a dead body?

I'll bet there is a whacko out there who is doing it right now.

 

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