Hit me baby, one ... actually, please don't
OK, so I went out the other night and it was sooo fun, but I'm having two problems recounting it. 1) I'm not really sure how many details to divulge (not naughty details, just, you know, identifying ones), and 2) it was SO one of those "you had to be there" nights. Which means ... you had to be there.
But listen to this. You will die, oh, you will die, and even though you'll be dead you will be SO glad you didn't see this. So one of my friends was in town, and I met her and a couple of her friends at this bar. One of her (completely awesome and funny) friends checked out my blog before he met me and came to one conclusion about me: I like taking stalker pictures of people. I like to think I am many other things, many other wonderful, heartwarming things, but if we're all being honest here that's probably as good and accurate a thing to take away as any. (See exhibits A, B and C.)
It's right around the time we establish I am a crazed stalkerazzo that we notice the couple sitting near us. They're ... I don't know. Late 40s? Early 50s? And with every sip of red wine they get a little more touchy-feely. She keeps undoing his shirt buttons, he keeps snaking his hand up her skirt, they keep making out, her skirt keeps getting higher, and I know I should turn away--I KNOW it--but I can't.
And then it happens. She leans back, swings one leg across the other and ... you know what I'm about to say, don't you? Well, I'm going to say it anyway: She leans back and--HOLY SHIT, SHE'S NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!! SHE'S TOTALLY PULLING A BRITNEY! AND SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE BRITNEY'S MOM! I saw everything, and I do mean everything. I am actually writing this post blind, because my retinas were singed off.
The worst part? Despite us joking all night about my stalkerazzi tendencies ("You've probably taken 10 pictures of me already tonight," he said), I DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM! I don't know why. I don't know! I feel like I have failed all of you, but most of all, I have failed myself.
Just please don't sentence me to a lifetime of crotch flashes. PLEASE.