Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Hit me baby, one ... actually, please don't

OK, so I went out the other night and it was sooo fun, but I'm having two problems recounting it. 1) I'm not really sure how many details to divulge (not naughty details, just, you know, identifying ones), and 2) it was SO one of those "you had to be there" nights. Which means ... you had to be there.

But listen to this. You will die, oh, you will die, and even though you'll be dead you will be SO glad you didn't see this. So one of my friends was in town, and I met her and a couple of her friends at this bar. One of her (completely awesome and funny) friends checked out my blog before he met me and came to one conclusion about me: I like taking stalker pictures of people. I like to think I am many other things, many other wonderful, heartwarming things, but if we're all being honest here that's probably as good and accurate a thing to take away as any. (See exhibits A, B and C.)

It's right around the time we establish I am a crazed stalkerazzo that we notice the couple sitting near us. They're ... I don't know. Late 40s? Early 50s? And with every sip of red wine they get a little more touchy-feely. She keeps undoing his shirt buttons, he keeps snaking his hand up her skirt, they keep making out, her skirt keeps getting higher, and I know I should turn away--I KNOW it--but I can't.

And then it happens. She leans back, swings one leg across the other and ... you know what I'm about to say, don't you? Well, I'm going to say it anyway: She leans back and--HOLY SHIT, SHE'S NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR!!! SHE'S TOTALLY PULLING A BRITNEY! AND SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE BRITNEY'S MOM! I saw everything, and I do mean everything. I am actually writing this post blind, because my retinas were singed off.

The worst part? Despite us joking all night about my stalkerazzi tendencies ("You've probably taken 10 pictures of me already tonight," he said), I DIDN'T TAKE A PICTURE OF THEM! I don't know why. I don't know! I feel like I have failed all of you, but most of all, I have failed myself.

Just please don't sentence me to a lifetime of crotch flashes. PLEASE.

29 Comments:

At 1:49 AM, Anonymous stayingrightupthestreet said...

oh swisher sweets, i lerrrrrve you so. and how you passed on taking a pic of me, i will never know! you must have been under the weather, or not drunk enough. one of the two.

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Ha ha ha. I know! What was I thinking? I think I must have fallen under the spell of all the crackling. Can you blame me?

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

You were probably too stunned to take a pic. She had to know you saw. Gross.

So this guy who thinks you're a stalker, is he cute? Did you take a pic of him? Details, we want details.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Melek said...

ewwww... i guess you're lucky that's all you saw. they could have started doing "it" right there in the bar. why are people so gross?

i read your other stalkerazzi installments and loved them! i dont think i've ever thought to take pics of odd drivers with my cellphone...but NOW.... :)

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

I don't get the wearing a skirt with no underwear thing. I loathe a panty line as much as the next gal, but c'mon... Cover up the beaver!

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger kim said...

my brain is refusing to accept this information.

 
At 10:17 AM, Blogger Trish said...

LOL

So, like, where's the picture?

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Melissa said...

Wow, maybe it was just the crotch shot that stunned you into missing the photo op.

You really do see it all out there these days, huh?

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger Patti said...

i think hair just grew on my tongue....coughcough...ewwwwwwww....

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Beth said...

OH.
MY.
GOD.

"MY EYES!" "MY EYES!"

That would gross me out...no one wants to look at old, stretchy, worn out cooter....yuk!!! skank!!!

and NO PICTURE? Swishy, you let me down big time! ;)

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Sherry said...

You have like THE best adventures!! I wanna hang out with you!!

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I KNOW, right?!?! HA. I was trying to figure out if she took them off in the bathroom and stuck 'em in her purse, or went out all night like that, and I couldn't decide.

And yes, the guy who thinks I'm a stalker is cute. Of course! But sadly, no picture. It's horrible, I know.

 
At 3:32 PM, Anonymous www.ramble-on-rose.com said...

Oh swish no picture!! Your slippin on your CIA job!!

As for the 40-50 year old as gross as it is perhaps she was thinking she was as hot as paris or lindsay or Britt... who knows still gross though....

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous youaresmitten.com.org said...

thanks for the compliment, isher sway eets sway. you're the best ever. and those eyes... dreamy. ha ha, try not to miss me too much! hope you're having a good day!

 
At 3:40 PM, Anonymous kristabella said...

All I can say is hahahahahaha!

And I don't think anyone needed to see that photo. Seriously.

And stayingrightupthestreet?

If I could howl with laughter at work, I would!

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

HAHAHAHAHahahaha ha ha ha

Not only was your post absolutely hilarious, but so is everyone's comments! Especially Monnik, Beth, and Patti!

Whooo! Thanks for the laugh!

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

I'm kind of glad for the lack of photo of the couple, but not the boy. We need lots of boy details.
:)

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Angela WD said...

So funny but...hey, old people have hormones too!

I'm guessing she wasn't thinking anything like, hey I'm as hot as Paris and Britney. Or hey someone else wants to see my stuff. I'm sure she probably was into her guy and either didn't know or didn't care that she had an audience.

Thanks for not showing us a picture, though!

 
At 6:32 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, I'm at work, and I'm STILL totally laughing out loud enough for all of us. Hahahahahaha.

I didn't really talk to them, but they seemed like nice people. It was just, you know ... a little, uh, unexpected.

 
At 7:04 PM, Blogger Drewpy Drew said...

Eeewwwww!

Note to self - Do not eat right before reading Swishy's blog.

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

I, for one, am not only happy, but terribly relieved you did NOT get a picture of them! Really. The visual in my head is too much for me. Katie's doing a project on ancient Egyptian mummification and I'm thinking the hot poker up the nostrils to scramble the brains is about the only thing that will get the pictures out of my head right now!

You CRACK ME UP!!!!!

 
At 1:58 AM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

O.M.G. that is the funniest thing ever. I can't stop laughing!! I so wish I'd been there.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

See you know what era you're writing to when you refer to it as a Britney and not as a Sharon Stone. I remember the Sharon Stone scene. But what was that movie called? There was an ice pick involved.

And there were more STalkerazzi photos you forgot to add, and you have to remember, some dudes have stalkerazzied YOU as well... remember... SPRING FLING 1?!?!?!?

And I know WHO Swishy was out with! I know who Swishy was out with! nanny nanny boo boo!

AND I WISH I WERE THERE! OR is it I wish I was there? But I woulda worn underwear!

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I like to think you did it to save our retinas...it sounds like one of those things were I'd be like, "Oh-I hope she got a picture!" and then, upon seeing said picture, would spend the rest of the week trying to purge the image from my mind.

Maybe they were filming a Cialis ad? Did you see twin bathtubs in a field anywhere nearby?

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Andie said...

i almost spit out my lunch when I read trish's comment. that's immediately what came to my mind. After all, didn't you see my post a while back about the damn cialis commercials?

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

To take the opposite point of view (well, not really "view" thankfully), but at least she was getting some, if you know what I mean. Maybe I should go around with no undies on. It might serve as a guy magnet. Just a hunch. But come on, Swish - you didn't get a picture of your friend's friend? tsk tsk.

 
At 9:28 PM, Blogger Eileen said...

You can stalk me anytime.

What is it with the lack of panties in today's society? Is there a panty shortage? A need to let the hoo ha breath?

 
At 1:31 AM, Anonymous yourethecutestever said...

wow, everyone is clamoring for a pic of me. i lerrrve it. you'll need to come visit me so you can take a pic and they can be astonished by our good lookishnesseses.

 
At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Worn Underwear said...

Oh no... but then perhaps you shouldn't have been looking? But then - they shouldn't be getting so touchy feely in public - get a room grandma. LOL

 

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