Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I'm a joker

(Actually, I'm just a midnight toker, thanks to my neighbor. Although I do play my music in the sun.)

It occurred to me today--well, not for the first time, I guess I should say REOCCURRED to me today--that I don't know any jokes.

OK. That's not entirely true. I know this joke:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Boo who?
Why are you crying?

And the orange-banana knock-knock joke, which I will spare you all.

But really. I don't know ANY jokes. I can tell a funny story sometimes, but a joke? If someone held a gun to my head and told me my life depended on telling one joke, even a very unfunny one, I couldn't do it. I mean, I really couldn't. I would die. I would die right there, a victim of my unfunniness. The headline of my obituary would read: "Swishy, dead. NO JOKE!"

Does anyone know jokes anymore? I've got to believe that even if you don't TELL jokes all the time, you know some. Right? So let's hear 'em. Tell me your favorite joke so that, should I be held hostage by a master riddler someday, I can emerge unscathed. If you make me laugh, bonus points. And hey! Maybe even a prize.


At 1:11 AM, Blogger KATE said...

I would die at the hands of the madman also. Sorry Swishy!! I do LOVE your Steve Miller Band reference tho!
I am LOVING your posts!! Thanks for letting me play the lyric game!!
Now we need to do best quotes from movies game. I rock at that game!

At 6:46 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

At 9:04 AM, Anonymous aahcoffee said...

So President Bush was getting his daily update on the war in Iraq. Things were going well until they got to the part where he was informed that ten Brazilian soldiers had been killed. He suddenly started sobbing uncontrollably. His people were very confused and looked at each other, trying to figured out why he was so upset about these South American men. Lifting his head from his hands, his eyes dripping with tears, he finally blurted out, "How much is a brazilian anyways?!"

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I never remember any jokes but my husband has a million of them. they are usually quite dirty, maybe I will have him email you one.

At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

I don't know any either. I think my stand by is: Three guys walked into a bar. One ducked.

So much worse than a knock-knock joke.

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Patti said...

Here's the saddest joke I know using words from an aunt that has chastised us all:

knock knock
who's there?
do you know what your problem is?!

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

I cannot tell a good joke...I wish I could but I can't. I start laughing and ruin it or I get so excited to get to the punch line that I leave out the important parts of the joke. I am, however, an excellent audience and laugh hysterically when someone else is being funny...love the zero joke by the way!!

At 12:35 PM, Blogger Secretmom said...

okay, this is the only joke I ever remember:

Why did the man walk down the street with one condom on each ear?

He didn't want to get hearing AIDS!

At 12:46 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

What does Lil Jon use when he's grilling? Me-SKEET!

What did the bar patrons say when Peter Krause walking into Cheers? NARM!!!!!!

Yes, these are orginals. Shoot me.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

What do you do if you break your arm in two places?

Don't go to those places anymore.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

JUST got this one via email yesterday and I'm going to paraphrase...

A blind guy walks into a bar and says, "Hey, anyone want to hear a blonde joke??"

The bartender says, "Sir, before you tell that joke, you need to know that I am a blonde, the girl to your right is a blonde with a black-belt in karate. There's another girl shooting pool who is blonde and also six-foot-five. Over by the jukebox is a 300-pound blonde woman who can clearly kick your ass, and my bouncer is also a blonde who does Jusistu.

Now, sir, do you still think you want to tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then he says, "Fuck that. I ain't telling a joke I'm gonna have to explain FIVE times!"


Where's my prize??

At 1:06 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK, am I missing something. I completely DO NOT get that "what did the zero say to the eight" joke.


Someone explain please!

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Oh. Now I get it.


The punch line should be:

"why'd you clone yourself?"

Or... "Hmmm... you must be Siamese twins!" Now, THOSE are funnier! If I do say so myself!

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK, I don't get Kristabella's either...

Like they literally walked INTO a bar...

OOoooohhhhhh, NOW I get it. I'm totally slow on the uptake today!

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Secret mom, that's a good one.

Senior beavis, no offense to you my starbucks-chicago pal but those kinda suck.

At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a good one for you:

Teacher- "how do you spell rain"

Student- "R-A-N-E"

Teacher- "that's the worst spell of rain we've had around here in a long time"

Groan...I know! Sorry.

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Sherry said...

Trish, that's exactly the kind of joke I would tell........

At 3:00 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, all I know is that you guys are totally making me laugh today ... ha ha ha.

And I realized when I saw the blonde one that I DO know one joke: How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

And, yes, I'm blonde. Ha.

At 3:05 PM, Anonymous angelawd said...

I'm absolutely no good with jokes. I sound like a five year old..."Wait, the REINDEER came into the bar...oh but first there was a priest there, and he said...um...um...I forget how it ended."

That's if I can remember the joke at all.

When you're done with the joke-telling, come on over to angelawd.wordpress.com and tell me your funny music experiences!

At 3:49 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Why don't blind people skydive??
-Scares the shit out of the seeing eye dog.

At 8:41 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Okay. A kindergarten teacher tells her class they're going to do a taste experiment.

She gives them each a red lifesaver and asks what flavor it is.

"Cherry!!" the class yells.

"Lime!!" they yell with a green one.

"Lemon!!" they yell with a yellow one.

"Grape!!" they yell with a purple one.

She then gives them a golden colored lifesaver and no one can figure it out.

"I'll give you a hint," she says. "It's something your mommy calls your daddy."

"Oooo!" Yells one boy. "Spit it out!! It's an asshole!!!"

At 9:12 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Uh Jenster--

Butter Rum?


At 10:13 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

I had to wait for Isaac to come home for this one...

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle.

At 3:39 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Cecily---OOOH stinky!

At 3:40 AM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

A commercial airliner is coming in for a landing.
Pilot: "Man, this is a short runway. 30 degrees flaps."
Copilot: "30 degrees flaps."
As they get nearer...
Pilot: "Wow, it's even shorter than I thought. 70 degrees flaps."
Copilot: "70 degrees flaps."
They are almost there...
Pilot: "Holy cow, This is really a short runway. Full flaps!"
Copilot: "Full flaps!"
The plane screeches to a stop two inches from the end of the runway.
Pilot: "Man, this is the shortest runway I've ever seen."
Copilot: "Yeah, but it must be at least three miles wide."

That was a joke.

This is a riddle.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

I doesn't matter, it still won't come.

At 5:29 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

Manic Mom---I think you are still missing something or maybe way overthinking the 0 and 8 joke----If you put a belt on a Zero, it would look like an Eight! You aren't the first person I have had to explain that joke to---:)

At 7:17 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

HONEY!!! Maybe it was a cough drop instead of a lifesaver.

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Melek said...

the Lone Ranger and Tonto walk into a bar to get a beer. After a few minutes, the Lone Ranger says "Tonto, my horse, Silver, looks overheated. Go outside and run around her in a circle to stir up a breeze and cool her down."
Tonto says "yes, kemosabe" and goes out and runs around Silver in a circle.
A few minutes later another cowboy walks into the bar. He says "Hey, who's big white horse is this outside?"
The Lone Ranger says "it's mine, why?"
The Cowboy says "Well, you left your injun runnin."

(engine running...get it? you have to say it out loud to really get it)

sorry, i only know that one joke, and it's not very culturally sensitive.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

Why is 7 the fiercest number?

because 7 8 9!

You have to say that one out loud a couple times.

Yes, its from a laffy taffy wrapper.

At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My little brother told me this joke when he was three, if you can imagine just how adorable that was:

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Cause he was feeling crummy!

(Only picture it with a 3 year old accent... Cwummby! It's to die for.)

At 8:37 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

to me, it's not about telling "jokes" in the traditional sense of a joke...it's being funny off the cuff. You have that.

you don't need jokes. You're witty. That's better.

At 12:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

does anyone tell good jokes, anymore is my question...but I like all of these, the cornier the funnier ;)

At 11:35 AM, Anonymous aahcoffee said...

Saint Peter meets three guys at the Pearly Gates. He tells them that in order to get in they have to tell him how they died. The first guys says, "I was having a normal day, just like any other, and I live on the 20th floor of an apartment building. I leaned out of the window to water my plants and I slipped and fell. But I managed to catch hold of a ledge on the floor below me. Suddenly some maniac starts pounding on my hands, and I lose my grip and fall again. Praise God though, I bounced off the awning and landed on my feet, totally fine. I look up to thank the good Lord, and bam, I get hit in the head with a refrigerator." Saint Pete is pretty impressed with this story and lets the guy in. The second guy tells his story, "I was at work, when I suddenly got the feeling that my wife was having an affair. I left right then and hurried home. I fretted about it, all the way up to the 19th floor, and sure enough, when I walked in, there was my wife all dolled up in a fancy negligee. I looked all around and couldn't find the guy, but just then I spotted two hands, holding on to the window ledge. I lost my cool and pounded on the bastard's hands until he fell. I was so pissed when he bounced off that awning that I grabbed the nearest thing and over-exerted myself by heaving the refrigerator through the window. I had a heart attack and died." St. Peter let this guy in too. It was the last guy's turn to tell his story and he was very embarrassed. "Well," he said while shuffling his feet, "picture this, I'm standing naked in the refrigerator....."


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