Swishy's no good, very bad week
I wish I had a remote control for life. If I did, sure, I'd definitely use the rewind button, but what I'd really like to do is be able to put the world on pause sometimes. Like ... just give me a couple of minutes to think, or to calm down, or to just take a nap or something.
I completely sucked at my job today. I HATE that. Actually, everyone sucks at their jobs some days. I guess what I hate is when everyone else knows it. And trust me, today everyone else knew it. I'm the youngest person in my position at work and people remind me of it all the time, which drives me crazy because I'm not THAT young. I've been working there a long time. I feel like it only comes up a) because I'm also one of only two women who work there and b) as an excuse not to compensate me the way I should be. Not because it's an impediment to me doing my job. There are a lot of ways that I don't feel like the system supports me, and when I bring them up, I get told that maybe the problem is I'm just not confident enough because of my age.
So ... that's the context.
The way that I sucked at my job is that I played EXACTLY into all of it. I got defensive in a meeting. I tried to mark my terrority. And yes, I completely burst into tears in my boss's office. Because when I get mad or frustrated I cry. Men swear at each other and have dick-measuring contests. I cry. Which then makes people think I can't handle stuff. I CAN handle stuff. Just not everything. I feel like I am really talented, and I work really hard, and that they should feel very lucky to have me. Even on my bad days.
I'm also working basically seven days a week and not sleeping a lot and working on a big project right now and my place is a mess and I haven't worked out in three days and I don't even really LIKE my job that much because did I mention that I can never take a day off? Seriously. I really can't, because there's no one else who can do the stuff that I do. I tried to use a vacation day a week ago and ended up working the whole day. So all of that doesn't help.
And I stayed late to catch up on everything and didn't even get to see the first half hour of the Grey's Anatomy season premiere! So now I'm going to have to watch it online tomorrow.
I know I sound very whiny. But, seriously, I have come home and cried for like two hours two nights in a row. I soooo need a pause button.
And it's 4 a.m. and I'm awake, which SO does not bode well for the day.