Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Swishy's no good, very bad week

I wish I had a remote control for life. If I did, sure, I'd definitely use the rewind button, but what I'd really like to do is be able to put the world on pause sometimes. Like ... just give me a couple of minutes to think, or to calm down, or to just take a nap or something.

I completely sucked at my job today. I HATE that. Actually, everyone sucks at their jobs some days. I guess what I hate is when everyone else knows it. And trust me, today everyone else knew it. I'm the youngest person in my position at work and people remind me of it all the time, which drives me crazy because I'm not THAT young. I've been working there a long time. I feel like it only comes up a) because I'm also one of only two women who work there and b) as an excuse not to compensate me the way I should be. Not because it's an impediment to me doing my job. There are a lot of ways that I don't feel like the system supports me, and when I bring them up, I get told that maybe the problem is I'm just not confident enough because of my age.

So ... that's the context.

The way that I sucked at my job is that I played EXACTLY into all of it. I got defensive in a meeting. I tried to mark my terrority. And yes, I completely burst into tears in my boss's office. Because when I get mad or frustrated I cry. Men swear at each other and have dick-measuring contests. I cry. Which then makes people think I can't handle stuff. I CAN handle stuff. Just not everything. I feel like I am really talented, and I work really hard, and that they should feel very lucky to have me. Even on my bad days.

I'm also working basically seven days a week and not sleeping a lot and working on a big project right now and my place is a mess and I haven't worked out in three days and I don't even really LIKE my job that much because did I mention that I can never take a day off? Seriously. I really can't, because there's no one else who can do the stuff that I do. I tried to use a vacation day a week ago and ended up working the whole day. So all of that doesn't help.

And I stayed late to catch up on everything and didn't even get to see the first half hour of the Grey's Anatomy season premiere! So now I'm going to have to watch it online tomorrow.

I know I sound very whiny. But, seriously, I have come home and cried for like two hours two nights in a row. I soooo need a pause button.

And it's 4 a.m. and I'm awake, which SO does not bode well for the day.


At 5:29 AM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

Why is it that those bad days stand out in our memory so much? Why can't we remember all the good ones that remind us of why we do what we do.

Swishy, I am so sorry that you had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. (Yes, I remember that book).

Just remember to keep both oars in the stirrups and that we all love you and are pulling for you every way we can. Things will be better next week.

If not, you can always move to Australia. :)

At 6:51 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Oh, Drew, thank you :) Australia would be nice, though!

I am feeling very guilty for posting this. I hate being so whiny. I am fine. And I know I have a job that a lot of people would love to have. It has just been a very looooong week, and I am mostly mad at myself for not handling it better.

I guess that's why they make tomorrows, huh?

At 6:51 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

I feel for you. Really. Be careful, or you could end up like me...OLD and wanting a pause button.

At 7:08 AM, Blogger imkay said...

hey, if you can't be whiny here where can you be. sometimes whining makes you feel better.

today will be a better day.

and grey's was great!!

At 7:48 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

Whine away. Sounds like a darn good reason. So no guilt. 'kay?

I cry when I get really mad, too. Especially if I'm tired.

Freakin' grumpy middle-aged men!

At 8:46 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

Drew stole what I was going to say. Man. That stinks because I was all excited to post something really clever. I love that book.

Anyway, swishy, I totally get you. Oh my gosh, do I get you. I'm dealing with lots of work issues this week, a huge decision, and all of these same things play into it. So yeah. Fist knock with me, girl.

Hope it gets better, and when the project launches, take some time off, mmkay?

At 9:06 AM, Blogger secretmom said...

I'm sorry you are having a bad week. I don't usually cry when I'm sad, but when I'm mad watch out. Tears are everywhere, and then I get mad at myself because I'm crying, which produces more tears. I hate it, especially around men or in work situations.

Are you looking for another position?

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Karen said...

Omg, I feel for you so completely on this. Your job sounds like the last two I had (down to the crying part) and I know how frustrating this can be.

It's so hard, but you need to remember that you're the most important thing and the job issues will work themselves out. I put up with a lot in my jobs in the name of "making things easier for myself" not realizing it was playing into the whole "indispensable" scenario. I was also told at one job that I needed to develop a "thicker skin" because I objected to doing something I thought was completely shitty, not illegal or anything, just shitty. Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this or how this helps, but the day will come when you get what you want because of your hard work and your talent. It's hard to see now, but it will happen. I hope thing are better for you next week!

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

One day recently Gracie was walking around singing that silly Fergie song, Big Girls Don't Cry. At one point she came up to me and said, "That song's wrong, Mom. You cry all the time and you're big!"

I cry when I'm stressed too. Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve!

Hope today goes better. Oh, and I think you'll like Grey's. :)

At 10:00 AM, Blogger kim said...

They don't deserve you.

And I'm with you on the stress crying -- you can feel it coming and it's like, "not now! inappropriate time to cry. must. cry. later." But your tear ducts don't listen very well and there you are, right when you least need to be crying, you're crying. Great.

It happened a couple of time when I was in the weeds as a waitress. Imagine your waitress serving your food while she's trying to hold back the ugly cry (I've seen it happen to the boys too -- pressure cookers are good for no human).

It's actually quite normal. Either that, or most of us aren't all that stable to begin with. I read your blog, you are a stable human being -- tell everyone to "sit on it". You will regroup, you know you're fabulous.

You are not weak, you have a range of emotions, don't feel guilty for using them. Just because you cry under pressure, doesn't make your points less valid -- don't be sorry , it'll only make them think they are right.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Oh sweetie--you need a vacation! You're not whiny at all. They are lucky to have you, and don't let anyone tell you differently!

The trouble with the corporate business model is that it requires workers who can be at 100%, all the time. But they're stuck with PEOPLE doing these jobs, and we just can't pull it off. No one can, so there's no point beating yourself up about it.

I cry at work too. It's just the way I'm wired. I ran out of a sales meeting once where I was being chewed out, and my boss told me later--"cry if you have to, but no one EVER runs out of the room!"

I dunno, seems like crying and leaving are pretty rational responses when things get unbearable and you're being yelled at.

Hang in there. Take a couple of days off. Let some other people figure out how to get stuff done (after all, if you ran away to France, they'd somehow figure out how to redistribute the work). The strange thing is that if you stand up for yourself, they'll respect you more.

I respect you lots already :)

At 12:32 PM, Blogger her master said...

You're burning out. So figure out a way to take a break.

And remember that people will keep piling work/crap on you as long as you're willing to keep taking it on. Especially if you're good at your job. So figure out your limits and learn to say no, or have your boss prioritize what needs to be done in what order.

And speak up before you get to the point where you're so frustrated that you start crying.

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Andie said...


At 2:02 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

you are AMAZING and VERY talented! don't let those bastards get you down. isn't it sucky when you can't work out and you really want to because you've been stressed at work and eating crap all week! that is how i feel almost every week.
call me when you get a chance.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys!!! You are just the nicest, kindest, smartest, most wonderful people ever. I really was like, everyone is going to think I'm such a loser. Because I was totally FEELING like a loser. But every single comment has made me feel so better. Like a million times. Thank you so, so much!

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Beth said...

awww Swish....I cry when I get mad too...and I HATE it. It's not that I'm hurt....I'm SO mad, I am trying not to kill you!!!!

Chin up, young person....chin up.
ps.what movie is that line from? ;)

At 7:16 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Can I FedEx a pie to SwishyLand? I still owe ya one. Time to go search for more pictures of Kyle Chandler to send you. :)

Whoops, sorry about the Grey's commentary. I didn't give anything away, though. I got the feeling you might be at work so I kept my comments non-plot related. It was surprisingly non-awful. Now Addison Show, on the other hand ...

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Hey Beavis, can I have a few of those Kyle Chandler pics too?

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Just A Girl In GA said...

Swishy, I can relate... I think most people can, we remember the times we suck at something and forget all the times we are FABULOUS. Remember to balance your work life with your personal time, its tough but it is a practice you must have in order to continue on.

I watched Greys last night, hurry and watch it so we can discuss. I have a ton of thoughts about McDreamy and the new sister and Christina and heck all of them. Did you watch Addison's new show?

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

Don't apologize. We ALL have those kinds of days, weeks, months.

I cry too. I can't tell you how many times I have cried in front of bosses. And I HATE when I do it. But that's how I release. It makes me feel better. Even if I end up looking a big, red, puffy mess.

Hang in there! It has to get better! You're too awesome!

At 11:28 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I will call you later this weekend. You shouldn't have done this--obviously, YOU DON'T SUCK AT YOUR JOB... OTHER PEOPLE SUCK!!

I'd call ya now, but Diva's having a fit...


At 1:44 AM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

I'm also working basically seven days a week and not sleeping a lot

Ooh, that's not good. You're not a loser. People need sleep. They also need time for resting awake time. Working constantly isn't good for you or for your project. Try to recognize that you are not a machine; you are a human being. You could try to manage the views that your coworkers and supervisors have of you, but mostly, you need to have a realistic view of yourself.

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

it's okay to be whiny sometimes.

And I recently read something that Elizabeth Hasselbeck said...something about a woman crying is always seen as a sign of weakness.
...not that I'm saying that you are weak! Just that...it always gets interpreted that way.

I think crying is very cathartic, and my head my pop off if I didn't cry at times.

anyway---I'm sorry you had such a crazy time.

At 3:35 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

I used to cry all the time at work then my shrink gave me this trick:

Soon as you feel like you're going to cry, start counting (silently) backwards from 100 in increments of three, because your brain can't subtract by three and cry at the same time.

You go 100, 97, 94, 91, and let's see 3 from 11 is 8 so that's 88, 85, 82, uh what is 3 from 82, and by then you no longer feel like crying and can say, "listen, asshole..." hehe

At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swishy, Don't beat yourself up! I still have to fight back tears when I get upset at my job and I get so frustrated with myself about it, but why? I am angry, upset and why shouldn't I show how I feel or you. You work hard, do your best and you just go back with your head held up high. Very high. You are an amazing person and they are lucky to have you, don't forget that for one second.
Just be yourself, do your best and don't ever compromise who you are! Promise? It will get better, that I know.

At 6:04 PM, Blogger flea said...

oh swishy!!!! we all have them, i too am a cryer and man how i hate it...sorry to hear you had a bad few days. and really you didn't miss all that much on grey's i was sort of let down by it actually..perhaps i had to high of expectations??

cheer up, drink some wine have a bubble bath, those usually help :)

At 1:47 AM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

oh dear, that does sound like a no good, very bad week! I'm sorry things have been so abysmal, but feel free to whine to the blogosphere once in a while. we don't mind so much, we've been there too :)

At 2:11 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

I love you all! You are all so awesome. And guess what? I found out something today that I think just might help make everything easier at work. A BIG yay on that!

Moanna ... I am SO going to try that!

At 2:38 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, I know I said this already, but honestly ... I just read all of your comments again and I appreciate you all SO much. You are all such good people and your kindness and wisdom mean so much to me. Thank you again :)

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Scribe LA said...

Oh Swishy! Feel better soon.!Cliche in full force: this too, shall pass... :)

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Shauna said...

Swishy, I'm just reading this now, but it sounds like you REALLY need a break. Obvious, I know. But it also sounds like you're under-appreciated in your job. Working seven days a week? No one else to do the work? It depends on you and you alone?? You need a serious raise and some much needed vacation time.

Oh, and I'd just like to say that your company is very lucky to have you. I don't know what it is you do, but I do know that finding staff is dreadfully hard where I live. And finding GOOD staff is near impossible. To find someone DEDICATED is almost unheard of! I wish more people took their jobs seriously. 'Course you should probably just take a break. ;-)

At 1:51 AM, Blogger Shauna said...

And don't you sometimes think, "I'm quitting. I'm walking out of here right now. See how you get along without me." Stick it to "The Man."


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