Pothead by proxy
So I have a new neighbor. My balcony overlooks what is probably best described as a courtyard, and someone moved into one of the other units overlooking the courtyard. I'm not positive which one, and I don't know what the person looks like, I just know that I heard SOMEONE moving in last Saturday morning when I was trying to sleep in.
Here's what I do know about my new neighbor: He likes pot. A lot. And smokes copious amounts of it every night at 10 o'clock. Every single night at 10. It's 10:35 right now. My bedroom window's open halfway, and even though I'm all the way in the next room, sitting on the couch, I can totally smell it.
Here is my big issue with this: Ever since this person moved in, I CANNOT STOP EATING. Is it a coincidence? Am I looking for excuses? Maybe. All I know is that I came home from the gym last night at like 10, and within seconds I had a bag of tortilla chips in one hand and a carton of ultimate caramel cup ice cream in the other. I'd eat a bite of ice cream, then a handful of tortilla chips, bite of ice cream, handful of tortilla chips. When I left the gym, I remember consciously thinking, "I AM NOT HUNGRY AT ALL!" And a few whiffs of marijuana later, I'm eating like I'm pregnant with quintuplets.
Which I'm not, by the way. Pregnant. Or PMSing. Or depressed. OR underfed.
Anyway, it happened again tonight, which is what resulted in my little epiphany. I went, after a lovely, normal dinner, and grabbed the bag of tortilla chips out of the cupboard 10 minutes ago. I NEVER eat tortilla chips out of the bag! I mean, seriously, I really don't. I either have them with salsa or eat them with chili or something. Never straight out of the bag. And yet, here I am, diving into the bag for crumbs like a pack of women diving for the bouquet at a wedding. And my thought process goes something like this:
"What is WRONG with me? I NEVER eat chips like this. And I DEFINITELY never eat the crumbs."
"Ooh, a regular-sized chip. I wonder if there are any more."
"Shit, I really need to get some work done."
"What should I wear tomorrow?"
"Chelsea Handler is funny."
"Oh, my gosh, my place REEKS of pot."
(Ding, ding, ding!)
"It's the POT! The POT is making me eat chips!! It's not my fault!"
Is that even possible? Can secondhand pot smoke give me the munchies? I don't know. All I know is that I'm out of chips.