Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Pothead by proxy

So I have a new neighbor. My balcony overlooks what is probably best described as a courtyard, and someone moved into one of the other units overlooking the courtyard. I'm not positive which one, and I don't know what the person looks like, I just know that I heard SOMEONE moving in last Saturday morning when I was trying to sleep in.

Here's what I do know about my new neighbor: He likes pot. A lot. And smokes copious amounts of it every night at 10 o'clock. Every single night at 10. It's 10:35 right now. My bedroom window's open halfway, and even though I'm all the way in the next room, sitting on the couch, I can totally smell it.

Here is my big issue with this: Ever since this person moved in, I CANNOT STOP EATING. Is it a coincidence? Am I looking for excuses? Maybe. All I know is that I came home from the gym last night at like 10, and within seconds I had a bag of tortilla chips in one hand and a carton of ultimate caramel cup ice cream in the other. I'd eat a bite of ice cream, then a handful of tortilla chips, bite of ice cream, handful of tortilla chips. When I left the gym, I remember consciously thinking, "I AM NOT HUNGRY AT ALL!" And a few whiffs of marijuana later, I'm eating like I'm pregnant with quintuplets.

Which I'm not, by the way. Pregnant. Or PMSing. Or depressed. OR underfed.

Anyway, it happened again tonight, which is what resulted in my little epiphany. I went, after a lovely, normal dinner, and grabbed the bag of tortilla chips out of the cupboard 10 minutes ago. I NEVER eat tortilla chips out of the bag! I mean, seriously, I really don't. I either have them with salsa or eat them with chili or something. Never straight out of the bag. And yet, here I am, diving into the bag for crumbs like a pack of women diving for the bouquet at a wedding. And my thought process goes something like this:

"What is WRONG with me? I NEVER eat chips like this. And I DEFINITELY never eat the crumbs."
"Ooh, a regular-sized chip. I wonder if there are any more."
"Shit, I really need to get some work done."
"What should I wear tomorrow?"
"Chelsea Handler is funny."
"Oh, my gosh, my place REEKS of pot."

(Crunch, crunch)

(Ding, ding, ding!)

"It's the POT! The POT is making me eat chips!! It's not my fault!"

Is that even possible? Can secondhand pot smoke give me the munchies? I don't know. All I know is that I'm out of chips.

29 Comments:

At 12:45 AM, Blogger In-Between Panic Attacks said...

Totally. Close your window, use the A/C. And don't be worried unless you can't live without brownies.

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Chrissy said...

I say call the cops at 10pm anonymously. Haha.

It sounds like secondhand pot smoke gives you the munchies, that's a little scary. I am moving this weekend in a new place I hope there are no pot smokers there to give me the secondhand smoke.

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

wow! sounds like your neighbor's a real winner...

not that i have a lot of experience in this area, but since secondhand pot can get you high, i'm willing to bet it can give you the munchies too.

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

Think of it as living at a Grateful Dead concert. Only better because you don't get that Deadhead smell.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

Like, wow, man.

 
At 7:02 AM, Blogger Beth said...

that is totally the reason! It could be kind of funa t first, but every. single. night? That's a little too much...I'd keep my windows closed for sure.

Chelsea Handler!!! She's going to be in my town in Ocotober and I want to see her sooo bad! She is hilrious!!

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

This post totally had me heh-heh-ing to myself like, well, a pothead!

That's funny. But irritating. I hate having to close my windows, so I think I might call the cops anonymously too. Not that it will likely stop the guy or gal for long.

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

I'd say close the windows, too. I like IBPA supposing that you have A/C. Because I don't. I'll have a fancy apartment someday.

 
At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

Holy crap! The people below me smoke pot ALL the time and it wafts up to my windows. And I am blaming them for why my pants don't fit!

It has to be the pot.

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger secretmom said...

omg, you have to go get one of those drugstore drug tests and see if you fail!

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger Patti said...

hahahahaha...dude, that's totally, um, oh man, i forgot...what were we talking about? pass the chips...

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

What are you doing with the window open? Its hot, not like last week, which was perfect window open weather. You should tell your neighbors that their pot is escaping. Tell them they should smoke in their car to get the full effect.... I so need to quit my weekend job, so I stop hearing stuff like that.

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger All moments remembered said...

SOOOO on the floor laughing! I hope you dont have to take a pee test any time soon!! LOL!!! I was hoping you were going to tell us you had some HOT guy move in and they daily you would fill us in on him!! DARN this ruined my moment!! Your blog just made me want brownies!! It's all your fault!! You blame him and I will blame you!!
Stacey

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Contact munchies for sure. I never imagined such a thing was possible!

Btw, I don't know if you've solved the jeans conundrum that you posted about AGES ago (I've been so out of the loop), but I've found some that are a pretty solid replacement for that Gap boot-cut style that they discontinued - Eddie Bauer Shaped Fit Boot Cut jeans. The ad copy says "sits at waist" which is scary, but they don't. I think they're actually more comfortable than that Gap style. Just a Friday factoid. :)

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Trish said...

Hahaha My mom had the same thing happen to her in her appartment! Her neighbor was a major pot smoker and my mom used to always get middle of the night munchies...until that neighbor moved away. Coincidence? I think not.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I think your new neighbors used to live next door to me. Here in the Northeast, they smoked their pot in lieu of breakfast. I've never craved sausage and french toast so much in my life.

The people that moved in after them are just regular smokers. I wonder if that will make me second-hand skinny???

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Most important question of the day:

Is he cute?

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

LOL! Manic stole my question!

It does sound like you have a case of second-hand munchies. :)

And by the way, there's no such thing as an anonymous call to the cops anymore, just to give you a heads up. The closest thing would be for you to go to the nearest payphone and pay an arm and a leg to make a call.

 
At 6:16 PM, Blogger Cecily R said...

So thaaaat's why I ate half a pan of Peanut Butter bars today! My neighbors are potheads!

That clears up so many questions!

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I have no idea what he looks like! Just that he loooooooves his weed.

Karen, you are the greatest! I am so glad you told me that. I am totally going to check out those jeans!

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Karen said...

Hahahahahahaha, that is totally funny. Did you get the dry mouth thing too? I smoked pot exactly twice in my life and hated it. I felt like a lunatic. I think you should anonymously call the cops on him - for the sake of your waistline! But it's a good excuse. Funny.

Hi from Brewtown!

 
At 12:58 PM, Anonymous kristi said...

Ok, I'm going on vacation for a week and since I won't be able to read your blog I need a good book. Any suggestions?

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Steph said...

Just found your blog...Looooooooooooove it!
Had me ROFL! And I only back tracked the one page yet!
Hahaha, you are great!

Oh, and I grew up with pothead parents (they aren't anymore:)) and I guess I can blame them for those 30 extra pounds now! I mean, I was skinny when I was little!

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

I won two soundtrack cd's from the show Weeds..should I send you one and you can knock, drop and run?

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger JODI said...

Your new neighbor should meet my brother's neighbor, they smoke pot on the roof of there house. I think the thought process there is--the higher up you are from the ground the higher you get.

Can I reccomend maybe renting the movie Pink Floyd The Wall to eat with your chips @ 10pm.

 
At 1:05 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are so funny ... I'm totally laughing!

Kristi, the last book I read that I absolutely adored was Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos. It is SUCH a sweet little book!

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Samara Leigh said...

OMG, the woman next door just moved in her new total loser boyfriend. The smell wafted in my office window, right next to their window, one night about 10PM. (Is that Universal Pot Hour or something?)

My solution: I complained loudly out of the window. "What the hell is that smell? Whatever it is, it STINKS!"

Haven't smelled a thing since then. :-)

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger Andie said...

yep. it can totally happen.

xluzt

 
At 12:45 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

rotflmao!!!! If you get the giggles while you're munching on the crumbs, then yes, you can be a pothead by proxy.

 

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