Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Longest travelogue ever

Hi, everyone! OK. So you know how I said I had to go out of town at the last minute over the weekend? I was gone for exactly 25 hours. And what a 25 hours it was. The rundown:

* I leave early for the airport so that I can park. I get to the airport, park my car, go to wait for the shuttle ... and wait. And wait. And wait some more. In the meantime, there's an older couple waiting with me, and they're freaking out because--you'll never believe this--THEIR DAUGHTER HAD JUST BEEN HIT BY A CAR! Yeah. For real. And the shuttle is NOWHERE to be found, and they were totally going to miss their flight. And the lady in the money booth SLAMMED THE WINDOW IN THEIR FACE when they went over to ask her to page the shuttle. So they actually walked out to the road and started trying to flag down one of the other shuttle buses. I felt so bad for them, I literally almost tossed them in the backseat of my car and dropped them off myself. I even forgot about the fact that I was going to miss my OWN flight. Thankfully, just as I was going to get my car, the shuttle showed up and we all (barely) made our flights.

* I wanted to get a lot of work done on the plane. A LOT. Which of course means I got nothing done. I sat in the very back so I could have my own row, and wouldn't you know it, AS THE PLANE IS MOVING AWAY FROM THE GATE, some guy moves out of his seat and asks if he can sit with me. OK, fine, whatever. I get everything out and start working, and within milliseconds, it's like 20 questions on crack next to me. Twenty questions that end with, "So ... do you know what you're doing for dinner tonight?" and "What hotel are you staying at?" (Me: "Uhhh ... I'm not ... hey, do you like pretzels? Here, have mine.")

* I go to pick up my rental car and ... who knew? There are two different airports! And I've reserved my rental car at the wrong airport! And, oh yeah, those directions that I printed out ahead of time because I'm oh-so-on-top-of-things? Useless, because I'm at the OTHER airport across town! The lady at Avis tells me it's a common mistake. I guess that's supposed to make me feel better.

* Swishy learns how to read a map.

* Kind of.

* Swishy also masters the art of the U-turn.

* I check into the hotel, change my clothes and then leave so I can find where I'm going the next day before it gets dark. I reread my directions 3,763 times, ask two people in a Walgreens if they know where it is and spend the next hour driving up and down the same half-mile stretch of road before I finally find it.

* I realize at 2 a.m. that the beautiful, exquisite 42-inch flat screen in my room DOES NOT WORK! This is like putting heroin in a locked glass case in the same room as a drug addict. I fiddle with the cables for like a half hour, and nada. I call downstairs, and she tells me I can switch rooms. I grudgingly--VERY grudgingly--decline, telling myself that I have to go to sleep and nothing good is on at 2:30 a.m. anyway, not even on HBO. I'm not very convincing.

* Work thing goes well. I am very relieved.

* I realize I'm going to be late to the airport, and I want a shortcut, so I ask a guy at the Wendy's drive-thru for one. He tells me to turn right, which doesn't SEEM right, so at the first light, I get the guy next to me to unroll his window and I ask him. He tells me, naturally, to turn around. He's cute and seems nice, so I listen. Good call, Swishy! I arrive at the airport 15 minutes later. Which, unfortunately, is a mere 40 minutes before my flight is supposed to leave.

* I am having shuttle issues. BIG-TIME shuttle issues. I wait for like five minutes, then go inside. He's turning in right now, the nice Avis lady tells me. Apparently "right now" means something different in other areas of the country, because five more minutes later, there is no sign of the shuttle. I go back inside and tell the nice Avis lady that I WILL miss my flight if I don't leave RIGHT NOW, so she asks some random guy driving by in a Jeep Cherokee if he'll take me. He's like, Whaaaaaaa? And then the real shuttle gets there.

* Southwest makes me wait in a very long line to check my bag even though I've already checked in online. That doesn't bother me as much as the Southwest lady, who merely points to the line whenever I ask her a question, rather than actually OPENING HER MOUTH to answer.

* I wait in another long line to get through security. My bracelet sets off the metal detector, so I throw it onto the X-ray machine and go through again, earning me a very stern lecture from the security official on duty.

* I run--in THREE-INCH HEELS--to Gate 10, which is, oh, 70 miles away from the security checkpoint. The doors shut just as I get there, but the nice woman at the counter pounds on the door until they let me in.

* A half an hour after I land, I'm informed that my bag didn't land with me.

* Six hours after that, I call the baggage office and am told that I can come get my bag anytime between now and 1 a.m. I get back to the airport a little after 11, and I really, really, really don't want to park and walk all the way inside just to grab my bag. So I go over to the two security guys and summon up all the Swishy charm I can muster, and they finally tell me I can leave my car by the curb if I RUN inside. So I do. And ... there's no one at the baggage office! And the door's locked! I race upstairs to the ticket counter. No one. I race back downstairs and look for anyone who appears to have a set of keys or lock-picking ability. No one. Oh, and did I mention that my cell phone was dead and the charger was in the missing bag? So I go to a pay phone and call the airline's 800 number and talk to them, and eventually I ended up paging airport security and asking them to page my baggage guy, who showed up seconds later, shaking and scared to death he was going to get in trouble. (I have no doubt he was reading US Weekly on the toilet.)

So that was my trip. And that was just the TRAVELING, not the BEING THERE. The being there is like five more posts.

Seriously, though? I don't think anyone will be surprised when I say the worst part was the TV. TOTALLY the TV.


At 1:25 AM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

Are you sure it was US Weekly and not People?

This might be important to the historians.

Well, on the bright side, at least you got to watch the Emmys.

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Shauna said...

Swishy, you live one exciting life! Sometimes too weird-guys-in-the-park exciting, but still...;-)

Thanks for the laughs! And I hope you get your bag back!

At 3:05 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

If I ever got to get out of the ten mile radius around my house I'm pretty sure stuff like that would happen to me. Nothing is ever simple...

Three's Company and Full House re-runs are on at 2:30 am...just thought I'd let you know. :)

At 7:32 AM, Blogger Beth said...

swish...you SO need ytour own reality show on E!!!!! There is never a dull moment with you! I would be hooked and would watch it all the time. Seriously....call Gaycrest and talk to him about it...you know he owns E! anyway....

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

I'd be mad about the tv too. I think I'd have changed rooms. Don't you need to listen to the today show when you get ready in hotels on business trips? I do.

At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

I used to think my life should be a TV show. But yours would be way better.

Mine would be the crap on VH1 and yours would be the quality programming that like wins Emmys and such.

Traveling and you are not friends.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger In-Between Panic Attacks said...

yeah, I'd like to say I feel sorry for you, but I spent ELEVEN HOURS on my ass in the Denver airport after a canceled flight. I do understand though, and isn't funny that after the initial frustration of it, it just becomes comical, and you think, oh, well as long as _______.... and then when that gets f*ed up to you're just like... I shoulda bet money on that. Yeah. I didn't sleep last night. Can you tell?

At 10:38 AM, Blogger Patti said...

"* I realize I'm going to be late to the airport, and I want a shortcut, so I ask a guy at the Wendy's drive-thru for one."

i read that as "...and i want a haircut, so i ask a guy at the wendy's drive-thru for one..."

i was thinking, huh at wendy's?!

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

My last work trip I was staying in a hotel with those stupid sleep number beds and when I got to the room around 1:30am ready for sleep I discover that half the bed is deflated. No other rooms in the inn. Argh. I ended up sleeping on the pull out sofa in the room. Most unamused.

At 11:11 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

I don't think anyone will be surprised when I say the worst part was the TV. TOTALLY the TV.

I would be the same way but I would've switched rooms. :)

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Sue said...

Next time demand rather than you switch rooms, they switch tvs. And bring along adult beverages for your pain and suffering.

At 2:20 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

I picture your life coming with a built in laugh track...like you're standing there and you turn on your TV and it doesn't work so you hit it and then you hurt your wrist (canned laughter). Am I at all warm??

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK, I just skimmed this right now because I'm actually very busy trying to decide what to eat for lunch, but WTF??? THREE INCH HEELS?


At 6:07 PM, Anonymous www.ramble-on-rose.com said...


Now I'm dying to know who you are..... my hunch is the blond on the insider .....??

You are truley hilarious!!

At 11:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes - the TV is the worst ;) Totally. You are hilarious!

At 12:31 AM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

25 hours? Rental car?

I would have stayed home. That's just how I roll.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

Girl, you have the strangest luck. You have the most fascinating stories. You should have your own show. I would totally watch it.

At 2:24 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Swishy! Dude!

You can watch the season 2 opener of FNL online until Saturday! I can't decide if I should wait, or watch it now... What to do?! Check out the link below if you want to watch the episode or other extras about it.


At 4:28 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I JUST SAW THAT on USAToday.com! I watched the first five minutes and, of course, it's sooo good. I'm going to wait until later to watch the rest, I think. YAYY!!

Everyone ... watch Friday Night Lights! You will NOT regret it!

At 5:18 PM, Blogger The Hotfessional said...

Oh, Swishy, I sooooo know about the TV thing. Panic - stuck in a hotel and no television?

And my own baby plasma is still not home from the tv-hospital. A month later!

At 8:32 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Your life should be a sitcom. I know that no matter how boring my life is, I can read about how Swishy went to the corner store for a gallon of milk and it will turn out to be the most entertaining read of the day!

You're an A-Class Schmoozer!!

At 9:16 PM, Blogger secretmom said...

I would totally watch your show!

I thought the airline had to bring your bag to your house if it was lost? Bummer if that's changed. i used to travel a lot, and swear those delivery guys were at my house all the time. That aside, you must be pretty persuasive to convince them to let you leave your car unattended!

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Andie said...

oh my.

i would have had a breakdown.


Post a Comment

<< Home