I SO should be in the CIA
Seriously. Totally missed my calling in life.
So I'm sitting here at my coffee shop, sending some emails for work and IMing my BBFF Manic, when a guy sits down next to me. Like, at the table RIGHT next to me. He's on a computer too, and since I'm so observant of the people around me (translation: a nosy little people-watcher) I notice after a few minutes that he's getting a little twitchy when people walk past him. Like, as if he doesn't want them to see what he's working on. Like ... AS IF HE HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE!
Naturally, the first thing I think is that he must be looking at porn. Or vibrators. So I oh-so-casually lean forward and glance over my shoulder, and all I see are some mysterious looking charts. How do I know they're mysterious? Just trust me--you know when you know. So then I start noticing other things. Like the fact that he's making very suspicious notations on a piece of paper next to his computer. And the fact that he has a very suspicious tattoo on the inside of his left forearm. A tattoo like Jack Bauer has on 24.
OK. Do you guys ever make up stories about people? I do that ALL THE TIME. And the secretive computer use and suspicious note-jotting and 24-esque tattoo all lead me to one logical conclusion: This guy is totally a government spy. Like, TOTALLY. He comes to coffee shops in shorts and canvas sneakers to try to blend in, but HELLO! I WATCH 24. Did I mention that he also has stubble? Not normal stubble. More like "I have a shadowy past" stubble.
Government spy. For SURE!
Of course I have my camera. So I pull it out to document the fact that I am sharing coffee shop space with a secret spy on an important mission. The only problem is, he is sitting literally a foot and a half away from me and um ... I don't know how to turn off the flash on my camera. Why would I? It's automatic! If I don't need the flash, it doesn't go off.
I am momentarily flummoxed. I fiddle with all the buttons and then--brainstorm!--I realize ... I'm on the Internet! I'm living in the age of Google! So I do a quick search and discover that all I have to do is hit the right arrow twice. Done and done.
(Resourcefulness? Quick, on-my-feet thinking? CIA material all the way, I'm telling you.)
OK. So I do a test shot of my computer. He looks over and ... I don't know what. I guess he thinks I'm a crazy girl who takes pictures of her laptop. Whatever. Anyway, he turns back to his computer and I seize the opportunity:
Not good enough. Clearly. So I try again. Only I accidentally hit the power button, so I turn it back on, position the camera and hit the right button this time ... AND THE FLASH GOES OFF! Ohhhhhhh, SHIT! He totally turns and looks at me. I don't dare look up. Instead, I pretend to study my camera intently until he turns back to his computer.
OK. Try again. I check the flash, I lay the camera casually on the table and ...
I know I can do better than that. I just know it.
I know he might look normal here, but trust me. This, my friends, is a government spy. It's also a man who just packed up his stuff and left the coffee shop. I can't imagine why.