Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

A few sprinkles of random

The Saturday afternoon errands edition ...

* Are you aware that there is a severe wire hanger shortage in America? That's what the sign says at the dry cleaners: "Due to a severe wire hanger shortage, please return any unwanted hangers." Given the approximately 7,985 wire hangers in and around my closet, I always find this shocking. How did we get to this state? Who determined it? What's next, a toothpaste shortage? It's all very disturbing.

* I always wave at the security camera at the ATM. I play it cool for about 20 seconds, until I enter the pin, and then while I'm waiting for the money to come out I scrunch up my face and do my best cute wave to the camera. I wonder if anyone ever sees it.

* I hate going to the grocery store. I have a hard enough time deciding what to eat on a daily basis. I'm supposed to get DAYS worth of food at a time? Without knowing what mood I'm going to be in 72 hours from now? I don't think so.

But even though I hate the grocery store, I love, love, LOVE the Muzak. You know how when the store is quieter, the Muzak gets louder? I love that in a way that is impossible to describe. Short of plopping me down on a beach, there is no way to bliss me out more than to give me a cart and an empty aisle with, say, Journey blaring over the speakers. I'm serious. It is my Zen. Today I got to hear Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac ("Oh, ahhhhhhhh ... I wanna be with you everywhere"), The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel ("Li la li ...") and ohhh, my personal favorite: Endless Summer Nights by Richard Marx. Do I remember? Why, yes, Richard. Yes, I do. I remember, and it was magical.

My love affair with the Muzak began when I worked in the mall (something all good Jersey girls do at least once). I'd get there in the morning. The lights would be low, the store would be quiet ... and then, boom! Someone would flip a switch and Phil Collins would start crooning about a groovy kind of love. Ahhh, sweet serenity.

* Finally, thank you, Tim Gunn, for making it impossible for me to ever shop again. Every time I try something on, I hear his voice in my head: "Swishy! You need to ACCENTUATE your WAIST! No boxy styles! NO BOXY STYLES!" So then I put that adorable burgundy jacket that's more than FIFTY PERCENT OFF back on the rack, and that adorable green scoopneck tee that's only a tiny bit too baggy back on the shelf and skulk out of the store empty-handed. Sad. So sad.

All right, kiddies. Time to catch up on TV premiere week (more on that later!) Hope you're having a great weekend!


At 3:46 AM, Blogger Cecily R said...

I heard Endless Summer Nights today at the store too! I so loved the great mulleted one when I was in junior high! I remember too.

I like your random sprinkles. Gracie would call them sphrinkles.

At 6:01 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

Swishy, you always, ALWAYS make me smile. Thanks for that. :)

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Beerspitnight said...

While waiting at the ATM I give the camera an up close view of my middle finger...because paying $2.50 to withdrawal cash is obscene.

At 8:13 AM, Blogger kay said...

all i could think of was mommy dearest. she must have secretly gathered and buried all the wire hangers in the country. i like that movie. is that weird?

and i too wave at all cameras. it's the diva in me

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

Oh my god! I went to the mall yesterday to celebrate my promotion/raise at work and I didn't buy a thing because I kept hearing Tim Gunn saying that capris shortened my leg line and I needed something to silhouette my shape. Found nuthin'.

My experience with Muzak isn't a good one. I spent my college nights waitressing at a fifties bar and grill. You can imagine the kind of music that played over and over and over again.

"hey there little red riding hood... you sure are looking good..."


At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

I throw my wire hangers away from the dry cleaners. Wire hangers = baaaad for clothes. Tim Gunn would not be pleased.

I also wave sometimes. But usually only when I'm drunk.

At 2:40 PM, Blogger Travis Erwin said...

I do the same thing at the ATM.

And what would Mommy Dearest say about the wire hanger shortage?

At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so with you about the grocery store thing. Ack! How on earth can I possibly know what I am going to feel like eating on Tuesday? I can't plan that far!

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

Ages ago, I worked Famous Barr and loved arriving early on a Saturday morning with the lights low and the music on. I miss that. And the store discount.

At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loving your random sprinkles, cause they made me laugh. Much needed laughter, so thank you very much.
For the record, I hate wire hangers, and throw mine out too. They always rust and turn my clothes a funny color and I heard they were bad for your clothes.

Do you have a Wegmans grocery store near you? I bet you would love going to the grocery store if you did. Such an event, with great music always playing.

Have a good week.

At 10:19 PM, Blogger secretmom said...

okay, what? a wire hanger shortage?? are you serious?

in the grocery store when there aren't many people there, i actually sing sometimes. i give myself points if i keep singing as I walk by an actual person--quietly of course--but i try to be confident about it.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Did someone say Richard Marx?

At 11:06 PM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

Journey? Seriously? Whatever.

And going to the store is a totally RIGHT NOW experience. Just stop by every day on your way home. Who gives a rip about tomorrow?

Also, shop when you're hungry. Then, at two in the effin AM when you really need a fix, you've got Pop Tarts, fruit roll ups, and three Ding Dongs in the pantry.

At 11:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I swear there is no muzak in my grocery store - I wish there was. Boo. And I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has Tim Gunn internal voice, now. I want to go through my entire closet and throw out anything that has no shape or does nothing for me. But, I really really reallly want Veronica Webb to come over here and do that for me, so we can go lingerie shopping afterwards :)

At 12:49 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Monnik! Exactly what happened to me! And yes, I totally want Veronica to take me bra shopping, too.

OK, and of course I totally sing along. Like, probably louder than I should. I also forgot to mention that one of the beauties of the Muzak is that it plays songs that I would NEVER listen to otherwise, but for some reason I just adore hearing in an empty store. Like musical comfort food or something.

And speaking of food ... ohhh, I LOVE Ding Dongs!

(Oh yeah! Wire hanger shortage? Totally for real. Maybe because we're all tossing ours. I can't throw ANYTHING away, so I have them gathered at the end of the closet. Every time I see the sign I laugh. I'll have to try to sneak a picture of it.)

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

I had to take Tim Gunn off my Thursday night rotation. :( With The Office and Mad Men, and 30 Rock coming back this week, there's no time.

Also, have you read pamie's book Why Moms Are Weird? There are grocery stores muzak scenes involved.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

I love grocery store music. The one I go to actually places the real stuff. It never fails a Journey song will come on when I am there.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I get overwhelmed by the prospect of grocery shopping, too...Is planning ahead for meals a learned skill or is it a gift only some people have?

You could be the solution to the national wire hanger crisis...this is your chance to be a hero!!!

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Mel said...

i can only plan/buy for two meals at a time. any more than that and i lose my inspiration to cook, or change my mind about what i'm craving. or, the food spoils...whichever.

as for the wire hangers, i've spend the last 7 years slowing integrating all wooden hangers into my closet. NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! and it worked. it totally looks like a banana republic in my closet. i even go crazy sometimes and space everything out by 2 finger-widths (like i've seen them do at banana) and then organize it all by type and color. yes, i'm obsessive. it's the artist in me....

At 11:27 AM, Blogger The Hotfessional said...

And I always thought that wire hangers had sex and multiplied faster than rabbits!

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Sherry Smyth said...

I'm still laughing...the mundane and ordinary are sometimes the best source of humour! I hate the grocery shopping thing as well..staples and basics fine on a weekly basis..but knowing what we're eating 2 days from now?!? Amen!!
Loved the coat hangers...if people only paid attention to what they say/write...but then if they did, what would we have to laugh about?

At 3:18 PM, Blogger JenKneeBee said...

Every once in a while I start feeling so depressed all of the sudden, like my life is going to shortly end. And then I realize it's because Richard Marx is on the radio, musak, etc. It's not that I don't like him persay, it's just that his voice does something weird to me...

At 9:08 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Oooo, love me some Richard Marx so much! But I'd totally forgotten about him. I wonder what he's been up to lately. I think I'll go dig in my cds and see if I can put my hands on him, or it. Hee.

I love that you mug for the camera at the ATM. That's so hilarious! They may or may not be watching, but if you commit a crime later on - they'll have your snickering face on all the news shows. Smile, you're on candid camera!

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK. Did you not know that Mr. Manic collects the wire hangers and returns them.

Yes, he's that gay.

(I wanted to IM you but didn't see ya'on! And I'm going to bed now.

At 1:42 AM, Blogger HotMama said...

Dry cleaner? If my t-shirts can't make it through the wash and hang dry - they are in the trash (or given to the short fat girl down the street, as opposed to the tall fat girl in my body.)

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

I feel like a freak now. I like wire hangers. I went to the store and bought some, since I've never been to a dry cleaners in my life, nor an ATM for that matter. I have a wonderfully huge closet, but its kind of full. The wire hanger maximizes my space.

As for the grocery, I take my Zen in so I can listen to my own music. I get enough Muzak at my waitressing job.

At 1:48 PM, Blogger Colorado Writer said...

There is a shortage of wire hangers because of that movie Mommy Dearest.

"No wire hangers...ever!"

At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Schwartzenegger insists the victims of the 2007 Southern California firestorm residing at Jack Murphy Stadium are happy.
First he calls Tonight Show host Jay Leno an "idiot". Then he drops this bomb.
If it were Gray Davis the gods would have their media attack him mercilessly for these mistakes. Together they may be enough to cost any other politician his career. But not Arnold Schwartzenegger.
They say he says makes suspect comments all the time, and they are all buried. And it is because they have BIG plans for him::::He is a tool who will be used to accomplish historical evil for the gods.

They say there is a sense of "unease" at the State Capital, like he doesn't belong there. It is because he doesn't. He is not American. Sadly this is an issue that is too readily discounted:::
He is not from the United States. His loyalties lie with a country that was the enemy of the United States a mere 65 years ago.
Just as we witnessed with Clinton in 1992 expect blacks to register and vote en masse for Schwartzenegger as well, a clue and a red flag.

Just as we haven't seen any more of that "Everybody is happy." idiocy from the Preditor so do we no longer hear anything of the possibility a firefighter started one if not more of these SoCal fires, buried forever.
Weight training, promotion of pharmeceuticals, desensitizing "guy flicks" all prove the name "Preditor" is warranted.


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