Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Why Swishy is an idiot

(Installment No. 23,457)



I follow the same exact routine before I go to bed every night: wash face, take out contacts, look at my eyebrows to see if anything needs plucking, stare at my teeth, stare at my skin, brush my teeth (sometimes), floss my teeth (sometimes), swipe baby oil over my eyes if there's still makeup, put on eye stuff, put on moisturizer, clean ears with rubbing alcohol, put on regular lotion. Oh, and sometimes Carmex. But only if my lips are dry or I think I'm going to be making out with a cute boy.

So my sister calls me crying the other night at, like, 1 a.m. because she and the boyfriend no one likes have (for now) broken up. I'm listening to her like the good big sister that I am, but it IS after 1 a.m and I DO have to work in the morning, so after a while I put her on speaker phone while I listen to the blow-by-blow of their fight and get ready for bed. The contacts are out, the face is washed, and I reach for the cotton balls and rubbing alcohol. I get the cotton ball nice and soaked, reach up to clean my earrings ... AND START USING IT TO TAKE OFF MY MASCARA.

Yeah. I'll give that to you again: I rubbed a cotton ball SOAKED WITH ALCOHOL all over MY EYE.

It was funny, because way, way back in my brain, a little red light started flashing and a little siren started going off--like when I smelled the alcohol--but it just did not register. At ALL. Until, that is, my freaking eye caught on fire. I'm standing there, horrified, as my eye melts into my skin, and all I can think is, "Holy shit, I'm going blind and I can't even say anything because then my sister will know I wasn't paying 110 percent attention to her domestic drama and ... HOLY SHIT, THIS HURTS!!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO BLIND! HOW WILL I KNOW IF I HAVE STUFF ON MY FACE? HOW WILL I MATCH MY OUTFITS? HOW WILL BE ABLE TO TELL IF A GUY'S CUTE? AND WILL IT BURN MY SKIN AND LEAVE ME HORRIBLY DISFIGURED, TOO???"

And I'm literally, like, half-crying on the tile, thinking about how at least I'll have my vision in my right eye, and I can handle that, because when I broke my cheekbone in high school I only wore one contact for months, when it occurs to me to flush my eye out with water. Because, clearly, being quick on the uptake is one of my many strengths.

So I turn on the faucet and start scooping water into my poor red, trembling, oozing eye. And, several minutes later, I can finally open it again. And I'm not blind. I am, however, a moron.

26 Comments:

At 5:28 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

OW!!

That hurts just thinking about it. Holy cow.

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Fellow Morons Unite!!

I put Plax Mouth Rinse on a cotton ball once and used it as astringent. My whole face was minty fresh.

That didn't burn, though, and I was in no danger of going blind...

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

My mom once sprayed scrubbing bubbles on her hair instead of hairspray..

I've blocked all the moronic things I did to myself, cause we all know it's only funny till it happens to you..

 
At 1:49 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

WOW. That sounds so painful, I am so glad the water helped and your eye is ok. What a good sister you are to keep you screams of pain silent so she doesn't know you are not giving her your full attention.

I actually did something like that once with my clinique astringent(step 2). I poured bathroom cleaner on the cotton ball and cleaned my face. It stung like crazy and I had a red glow for a few days. Still doesn't sound as painful as what you went through.

Take care!

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

Nah, you aren't a moron, just a good sister....:) And seriously, if doing something like this makes a moron out of us, then we all must be....mine was hairspray in the armpits...and perhaps you ARE right, moron seems fitting for me..teehee

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger flea said...

ouch! but what a good sister u are! glad u aren't blind :P

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Beth said...

swish...I know it's kinda mean to laugh at you, but come on.....THAT'S FUNNY!!!!!

I hope your eye is ok...it's very important to be able to tell if a guy is cute or not.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Beth said...

oh, and my kid, one morning getting ready for school, brushed his teeth with Aspercreme instead of toothpaste!

of course, I've never done anything dumb like that......

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger imkay32 said...

that made my butt pucker to hear that!!! yikes

btw i love carmex. best stuff on the planet!!

 
At 8:43 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

That is hilarious!

And also something I would totally do.

 
At 8:50 PM, Blogger Golightly said...

AIYEE! that had to hurt big time

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Mel said...

i accidentally used soft soap hand wash (in a similar bottle to my eye makeup remover) to take off my mascara (it was at a friend's house and i wasn't familiar with her products). damn, that smarted. and the next morning you wouldn't believe how red my eyes were. so now, i am (and you probably will be too) anal about reading the label of my bottles even tho i know the pink one is for eyes and the green one is for face....

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Patti said...

sometimes when accidents like this happen the victim suddenly realizes they have aquired superpowers...have you noticed anything different?!

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I used to (and sometimes still do) use witch hazel as an astringent and once mistook the rubbing alcohol for my witch hazel. Because I was half-asleep, I got almost half my face swiped before I realized that my face was on fire.

Glad you're eye is okay. :)

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You wash your ears every night? I'm not sure why, but that makes me giggle. It seems to be putting you squarely in the line of danger, though, so you might want to reconsider :)

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I've sprayed deodorant in my hair a number of times in the past.

now I use roll on.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Pro's of losing an eye:
Life as a pirate
Cons:
Everything else...

If you keep talking about making out with dudes I'm going to write a post entitled how and why I'm dumping my interet gf Swishy. You have been warned.

 
At 8:55 PM, Blogger Beth said...

swish...it's CRAZY about Owen Wilson!!!! WTH?!?!?! Is he taking Britney pills or something? I never really got what was so great about him...he just doesn't do it for me...but I'm dying to know the real scoop, aren't you?

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

yeah....my mom says a similar story about accidentally rubbing Noxzema into her eyes instead of "cold cream" to remove her eye make-up.
she thought she was going to die too.

sorry about your eyes....

 
At 9:38 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

So, I'm guessing rubbing alcohol does not make a good under-eye cream?

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

Holy crap that sounds painful!!

Oh, and I'm glad your sister broke up with that dude even though I don't even know him and I'm sure he is a nice guy. It would just be weird, ya know, considering the circumstances.

 
At 12:20 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

THEY ARE BACK TOGETHER! She lasted 24 hours. I was like, seriously, that's some awesome willpower you've got there. I am keeping my mouth shut for now ...

OK, and I was cleaning my ears because of the earrings! Not because I'm a freak!

You guys are so funny ... I think the scrubbing bubbles/deodorant for hairspray were my favorite. Ha ha.

 
At 12:21 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

And I know about Owen Wilson!!! Isn't that crazy?

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Sue said...

ouch

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I cannot stand you. I am crying here right now.

I LOVE YOU MAN!

One time, I was brushing my teeth in the shower, and for some reason, I took the toothbrush out of my mouth to do something, then grabbed it and put it back into my mouth.

Seriously, I had my razor, danger-razor-side IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!

I thank God every day that I didn't decide to continue brushing my teeth!

Here's to stupid bathroom tricks!

 
At 12:26 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

HOLY CRAP!!! A razor?!?!

 

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