Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Terrence Howard is a freak

What the hell is up with celebrities and their obsession with toilet paper? Seriously. Let me tell you, if I were a celebrity, toilet paper would not be No. 1 on my list of concerns. My list of concerns would go something like this:

1. Hiring a personal masseuse
2. Going on an exotic vacation
3. Meeting a hot cabana boy on said vacation
4. Seducing hot cabana boy
5. Flying hot cabana boy to million-dollar mansion in L.A. whenever I'm in the mood for hot cabana action.


139,985: Toilet paper (namely, making sure my assistant picked some up at Walgreen's after dropping off my Vera Wang gown at the cleaners)

I am not sure how I missed this when it first came out, but Elle has an interview with Terrence Howard (Crash, Hustle and Flow) in its latest issue. Apparently, Terrence has an issue with women who use toilet paper. Ohhh, yes, you heard me right. APPARENTLY, Terrence thinks women who use toilet paper are dirty, nasty skanks. If Terrence dated a girl who had toilet paper in her bathroom, he'd drop her like a poopie in the bowl unless she switched to baby wipes PRONTO!

I wonder, do you think he uses baby wipes on Little Terrence? Do you think he regularly freshens up Little Terrence's "neighbors" on especially hot, sweaty days? You silly kids, of COURSE he doesn't! He's like a human field of daffodils! It's WOMEN who are dirty, not fresh-as-a-daisy Terrence!

OK, one other thing. A little FYI if you're looking to be Terrence's lady of lust: He wants someone who looks just like him, because "the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection."

In the interest of full disclosure, I have made the comment before that I look so hot today I want to date myself, but I was a) having a very rare awesome hair day and b) kidding. I read Terrence's words of wisdom, and I thought to myself, would I want to date someone who looks exactly like me? And, after much contemplation, I decided I must have an even bigger ego than Terrence, because there is only room for one 5-7 blonde girl in my relationships.

In other news, I read this story today. Summary: A couple of high school girls in Ohio snuck onto the property of the town's eccentric, and Mr. Eccentric pulled out a rifle and shot one of them. (You know, just your good, old-fashioned feel-good story.) I think the girls were probably a little mean, and the guy was probably a little psycho, but that's not really why I'm telling you this. If you scroll down and read the whole story, it goes into the Eccentric Family's history with the police:

Example A: The family lived with the dead body of the guy's grandmother for two days in the '80s "for fear the woman might wake up and be scared."

Example B: The guy's mother "had once reported that a space alien sexually molested her after entering the house through the duct work."

It's days like today that make me feel TOTALLY normal.


At 6:49 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

What an asswipe. (ha! get it?) And he's clearly an inferior paper asswipe.

At 10:43 AM, Blogger Beth said...

LOL!!!!!!!!! Swish, you crack me up!!! I read those comments too, and thought the same thing! He is NOT. all. that. In fact, he's a little too feminine for me, if ya know what I mean.

I guess after those comments, he and "Little Terrence" will be spending alot of quality time together...baljvohr
thing each other in baby wipes.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Matt said...

if i was a celebrity obsessed with toilet paper, i'd start a campaign Bono-style to stop prisons (and schools) from using that rough stuff that feels like sandpaper. that stuff's gotta be a human rights violation.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Your blond? Hmm in my head I always pictured you as a brunette. I got to go, Kelly is such a chatter box on myspace. Got to love how I play my internet girlfriends against one another.

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

Since I can't get to the interview from work, and I'm just dying to know - What does he EXPECT them to use? He does expect them to wipe, right? Because NOT wiping - well, THAT'S nasty. I mean, I can understand in an emergency situation, but ummm... yeah.

And I just love Monnik's comment!

(Today's word verification is awfully close to 'nimwhit', which might be a great word to describe Mr. Terrence and his Infinite Wisdom.)

At 1:08 PM, Blogger Andie said...

WORD (on the last line of that post)

um, yeah, that dude needs to get a life. maybe we should all send him a few rolls of tp... :) Seriously.

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Hahahaha - monnik!! Good one!!!

Okay - I don't see any similarities in the looks department between Terrence and Sheryl Crow, but I wonder how she would stand up to his no toilet paper rule. I mean, since she only uses one sheet per event does that make her more acceptable than those of us who use, like, half the roll each time?

And Swishy - "Little Terrence and his neighbors"? OMG! That is pure gold!!! PURE, I say!!!

The whole Eccentric thing is creeping me out. Sounds like a bad movie.

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Hey! I thought of something else. What if a woman uses toilet paper first and follows up with a baby wipe? Does that change her standing with him??

My verification letters are "pycle" - like "cycle" with a p.

At 3:46 PM, Blogger  said...

That is some funny stuff right there...."little Terrence"....LOL!!!

Let me see now...yes that is it....Jen shall no address certain parts of me as "Little Todd"!!

Hey wait, that would be an insult....I think...hhhmmmm

At 10:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

O.M.G. I read that exact same article over the weekend and had to read those lines over and over again! I couldn't believe he was that conceited and that anal about 'being clean' but what cracks me up about it is how he explains that if the woman he is dating doesn't have baby wipes and he tells her to get some and she doesn't - she is dunzo. WTF?!?! It got me beginning to think if all guys look for baby wipes while in our bathrooms!!

At 10:56 PM, Blogger Moanna said...

Well ch*t. And I liked Terrence.

At 11:14 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

I'm unsure who this Terrence Howard is, but from now on, he's dead to me, I tell ya. Dead.

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Shauna said...

ROTFLOL!! Love the Little Terrence and neighbors! Priceless!

Monnik, awesome!!

Jenster and Todd, LOLOL! It's going to be great having both of you around. LOL!

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Mel said...

all this from a man who probably shakes it off twice and then sticks it back in his pants. i used to like him, but now i just think he's an ass.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Wow. These folks are nuts! And while you know I think you're gorgeous and look like a certain tall blonde actress, a male Swishy would look...well...not very masculine. So no mirror-dating for you.

At 10:00 AM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Clearly Mr. Howard has hoo-ha issues.

Also working in human services reminds me on a regular basis just how normal I am compared to the larger sample size.

At 12:42 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Dammit! I forgot to get TP two days in row, I only remember when I read your post..last roll, but I think I have babywipes.

I wonder if Sheryl Crow gets around that two squares of TP clause by using babywipes.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are SO FUNNY! You are cracking me up over here. If you ask me, our friend Terrence is a bit of a closet case.

And why does everyone always think I'm a brunette???

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Bianca Reagan said...

You're cracking me up. I might have to keep reading your blog. Does your cabana boy have a cute friend?

At 9:47 AM, Blogger In-Between Panic Attacks said...

we should all send Terrence a roll of toilet paper. Oh, or a wad of USED toilet paper. I cracked up at this post because my daughter who is four is currently SCARED TO DEATH of self-flushing toilets. She used to use way too much tp, then once she flushed our toilet and it overflowed and since then, she wipes with ust one shitticket, then puts it in the trash can and refuses to flush. If we're in public and its an automatic toilet, she has this spastic fit and I have learned to cover the sensor with my hand to get her to go. But we're not living with any dead people so I guess we are fairly normal.


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