Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Menace to society

That would be yours truly. Would you believe that I got pulled over AGAIN? Well, believe it, because I did.

(OK, I'm going to interrupt myself for a sec. I forgot to blog about the last time I got pulled over, which was a couple of months ago during one of those random ... what are those called? Checkpoints! I got pulled over at a checkpoint, and the officer was freaking PISSED at me because I was on the phone and my friend kept saying funny things to get me to lose it and I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING. And then I couldn't find my insurance card again, which made me laugh even harder. And finally the officer was like, "Get off the phone NOW!" and I was all scared straight and found my insurance. And THEN he made me show I could pull in and out of a parking spot, which I did flawlessly if I do say so myself, keeping me from being tossed in jail after all. So anyway. This makes the third time in eight or nine months that I've been pulled over, which is more than I've been pulled over in my entire life previously. I believe I'm on what they call a roll. Or something.)

Anyway! Back to the story. I'm driving home the other night and I'm literally, like, a mile from home when I see those lovely red-and-blue lights I've come to know so well. This time, though, I am CONFIDENT I did nothing wrong, so I give the officer my brightest, cheeriest, sweetest smile as he strolls up to my window.

Me: Hi!
Him: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Me (indignant, but in a cute way): Nothing!
Him: Are you aware that your right brake light is out?
Me (wondering what drinking or not drinking has to do with my brake light): Oh, really? I'm sorry. I had no idea. Which one did you say it was? The right one?
Him: Yes. The right one.
Me: OK, I'll fix it this weekend.
Him: Can I see your license and insurance?
Me: Sure, no problem.

(Having learned my lesson the previous TWO times, I produce my license and insurance in mere seconds.)

He disappears. I'm feeling pretty good about life, because, I mean, how can I get in trouble for something that I didn't know I was doing? If that doesn't say "warning" all over it, I don't know what does. Plus, I mean, I'm a nice girl. I can be flirty. I can be charming.

Well. Apparently our friend the police officer is immune to the Swishy charm. (I know, I couldn't believe it either.) He hands me a ticket, a ticket for 65 FREAKING DOLLARS. Which is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. There IS a silver lining, though: If I get my brake light fixed within five days and take it to the popo station, I get a pass on the ticket. Goody. Because there is nothing else I'd rather do than fix my brake light.

OK. If this post were a two-parter, this would be the part titled, "I am Woman, Hear Me Roar." I went to the auto parts place hoping maybe they would take pity on my cluelessness and pop the bulb in for me. Nope. I could have made some guy do it for me. I could have taken it somewhere and paid someone to do it. I could have done any of those things. But no! I am a competent, intelligent, professional woman! I can fix a brake light!

So I pull into an empty parking lot and roll up my figurative sleeves. And then I get a guy on speaker phone, you know, just in case. And then I change my brake light. I will boil this part of the story down to bullet points:

* Yes, it took me several minutes to find the little turn-y things.
* Yes, I tried yanking off the light cover even though the screws weren't all the way undone. (In my defense, my friend told me it would just "pop off" once I started turning the screws. It DID NOT pop off, at ANY point.)
* Yes, I eventually had a friend help me. (She called while I was doing it! She was nearby!)
* And, yes, I got my hands dirty. See?

Are you impressed? You should be impressed.

All right. So I go to the police station to show them my brake light and I get this sort of scary-looking, older cop.

Him: Press on the brakes.

I push on the brakes.

Him: Uh, I said press on the brakes.
Me (to myself): I am! Wait ... does the car need to be on? I don't think the car needs to be on, but maybe it DOES need to be on. OK, I'll turn it on ... OK.

I turn on the engine and push on the brakes again.

Him: Are you going to press on your brakes?
Me: I am! I really am!
Him: Can you just do a turn signal or something?
Me: OK.

I do right, then left.

Him: Fine.

And then he starts to walk away.

Me: So ... I'm good? It's all good now?
Him: After I sign it.
Me: And you're gonna sign it, right?
Him: When I go inside, I will.
Me: Um ... OK. Great. Thank you!

I really wanted to ask him if I could take a picture of him giving me the thumbs-up, but he didn't seem like he was in the mood to pose, so I did the next best thing: I took a picture of him walking away.

Hee hee.


At 1:38 AM, Blogger Shauna said...

LOL! Very sneaky picture! Only you.....LOL!

At 6:34 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

Changing some brake lights require a garage, nice of the car manufacturers to make it that way, eh? I am proud of you for handling it yourself...only you would stay on the phone and crack up in front of a cop...you make me laugh...now stay out of trouble!

At 8:28 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

I loved the part where you got a guy on speaker phone, just in case. LOL...

At 8:32 AM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Listen when you get pulled over all you have to do is push together, squeeze out. Your cleavage that is, works like a charm.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger imkay32 said...

there are crazy people out in the world doing God knows what in their cars and you get pulled for a broken brake light?!?!

give me a break

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

*high five* ( I know no one does them anymore but I like them )

Girls who can fix cars and still have pretty earrings rawk!

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

You crack me up!! All those pictures and it's like I'm actually WITH you!!

Maybe both policemen were zombies. How else could you explain the immunity to the Swishy charm?

If I ever have to change my break light I'm calling you!

At 11:04 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...


I would have either driven 50 miles to my brother's house. Or gone to Jiffy Lube.

Tires I can do. But bulby things? Not so much....

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Eileen said...

You are such a rebel! Wandering around without a brake light. I fully expect to see a cop chase you down and throw you to the ground on Cops this weekend.

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Andrea said...

I just have the urge to stick out my tongue and go, "Nyah nyah!" at the cop!

Congrats on taking matters into your own hands and doing a great job of it!

At 12:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

um not to be a bitch or anything but why would you be on your cell phone when a cop pulled you over? That seems like the dumbest thing I've ever heard someone do.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

HA! Clearly you don't know me very well, Anon, because you would know that a) staying on the phone during a pull-over is EXACTLY something I would do, and b) it's not even close to the dumbest thing I've ever done. Not even in the ballpark!

At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ever since that time in my youth when I got pulled over 2 times in 3 days when I HAD been drinking but managed to tell bold-faced lies to the cops and get off, I haven't seen the red and blue flashys in my rear view mirror.

However, occasionally when I'm driving through an interesection trying to make the yellow light I see the blinding chink!-chink!-chink! of finish line camera flashes.

1st place finisher get's a $95 ticket and a chance star in an online video. Mine was intitled "I swear it was still yellow!" Right.

At 2:47 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

I love the picture of the cop walking away. How cool is that!?

and wow - a ticket for a tailbulb being out? I thought they only gave warnings for that.

At 3:40 PM, Blogger flea said...

oh swishy, how i love your stories!! makes me feel like i was there and a part of it..

kudos to you for changing your own light, i never would've even attempted that! girl power!!!

At 8:07 PM, Blogger kim said...

So they can pull you over and make you do random parking maneuvers?

I don't like it, not one bit -- there needs to be a lawsuit.

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

you & my husband must be hanging out. He just got his 2nd ticket in like a 2 month period.

it's driving me nuts.

At 7:13 AM, Blogger JODI said...

As the wife of a cop I find this to be the most hilarious post. I personally think a picture of the cop giving a thumbs up would have made a nice addition in the community newsletter--you know a meet Officer Friendly, he's here to help appearance.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I think you should open your own shop. ;)

just messing with ya.

I can't believe you got a ticket for something silly like that. what a prick of a cop.

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I'm sitting here eating lunch and needed a break so I'm like, "Let's check out what Swishy's up to!" Even though I knew the story already because we are BBFF!

I loved the POPO Station. I also love that you are such a geek you actually take photos of mundane things you do.

And I was SOOOOO wishing you got the cop to give you the thumbs up signal!!!

Every single time I read a post of yours I get that feeling like I love you a little bit more, in a non-lesbian-just-BBFF kinda way, ya know?


At 3:02 PM, Blogger Travis Erwin said...

Yes, I am impressed but not about you changing the bulb, but in the way you still had fun in the face of authority.

At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Swishy! Love the picture of the cop walking way, very sneaky, very funny. You could totally tell just from the way he was walking (like he had a stick up his ass) that a thumbs up would have been a no go.
You totally should have got a warning! That cop has serious trust issues, and you are seem so trusting, what an jerk. Proud of you for changing it yourself, I don't think I could have done it.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Swish....YOUR HANDS WERE DIRTY!!!! Don't break a nail!!

aren't cops just assholes?..I think it's a thing when they put their uniform on...their whole demeanor changes...and trust me, I know what I'm talking about!

But you did it!! woohoo!!!!

At 11:50 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

You are now on my list of Helen Reddy-s. Because, I have one of those lists.

No, not really...but that was pretty cool of you. I'm not even sure IF there are brake lights on my car, much less where they would be located. So - good for you, Swish! ROAR!!!!!!!


Post a Comment

<< Home