Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, July 30, 2007

The late night show

OK, this is why I can't go to sleep early like normal people. I came home from work, watched the assy Scott Baio and completely crashed on the couch (lights on, clothes on, TV blaring) somewhere around 10:30 or 11. I woke up at 3. I'm still tired, but it's after 4 now and I CANNOT GO BACK TO SLEEP!

Dawson's Creek was on at 3. It was the one where Joey's dad gets out of prison. It was also the one where that girl Abby, the one who goes on to get impaled in a train accident on Grey's Anatomy, topples over drunk into the ocean and dies. In other words, it was a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE. And it ended with Joey and Dawson making out as their parents watched, which was just weird on several different levels and perhaps a little inappropriate since, you know, there were people dying and all.

I still cannot get over the fact that JOEY POTTER is married to TOM CRUISE. I still find Pacey strangely hot. I still think Dawson is a big whiny baby, and I still can't believe I totally used to tape this show and watch it religiously. It's almost unwatchable to me now. Really, though, it was unwatchable after the third season, which is when all my favorite shows die (Ally McBeal, Grey's Anatomy--maybe--I'm looking at you). It peaked when Pacey bought Joey the wall, and then I stopped watching when they went to college. I watched the series finale, though, and bawled my freaking eyes out. It was like I was saying goodbye to a whole era of my life. Although the thought that an era of my life was defined by a show starring James Van Der Beek and a bunch of teenagers who wax philosophical about things like "intuitive insight" is maybe not the best thing to admit.

OK, random note. Have you ever seen the BBC show Footballers Wives? Totally crazy show. They were supposed to do a U.S. version, and James Van Der Beek was supposed to play one of the NFL players. HA. Ha ha ha.

So anyway, Dawson's Creek is over and now it's all infomercials and VH1 videos. There's this one infomercial called "Midnight Soul" that is cracking me up. It's a collection of songs to get you in the mood to get busy. Songs by people like ... Color me Badd and Al B. Sure. HA HA. Tick-tock, you don't stop!

OK, Fergie's on VH1 right now. It's the song I don't want to admit I like. It's ... Big Girls Don't Cry. I KNOW! I know, I know. OK, so this video: I don't really buy Milo Ventimiglia's fake tattoos. I think Fergie needs to put on a bra. And I STILL do not understand how she landed herself Josh Duhamel (aka the hottest person I have ever met). He is gorgeous. She is ... not gorgeous.

I think I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't like that Maroon 5 song Makes Me Wonder. I am SICK of it! And WTF is up with the video, anyway? He's in a tux walking through an airport? OK, James Bond. Now he's getting frisked by a bunch of hot security chicks. That's a shocker--Adam Levine making sure he gets felt up by a bunch of women.

Anyway, the best Maroon 5 song is still Harder to Breathe.

Oh. My. Goodness. I just flipped channels and COPS is on!! HA HA HA. There are literally SIX COPS wrestling ONE GUY to the ground right now. He was trying to beat them up with a crescent wrench. I'm serious. Now they've got him in cuffs and they're all standing around with their hands on their hips, breathing heavy, and the one cop says it's the THIRD time they've dealt with this guy. He has red hair and a mustache and he's PISSED.

OK, speaking of cops, I used to live next door to the biggest crack ho ever. Too bad I didn't have a blog then ... oh, the stories. The STORIES! I seriously started researching crystal meth on the Internet because I thought for sure she had a lab in her apartment. Ohhhh, you have no idea. I think I've repressed most of that year ... it's just a blur of late-night screamfests and red-and-blue flashing lights.

HA! The cop on Cops just found a gun hidden in a BAG OF BARBEQUE POTATO CHIPS!

Gloria, a white-haired grandmother, lost 10 pounds doing 60-second bursts on the Leg Magic System. Just an FYI.

Oh, boy. I just discovered that I have the Lifetime Movie Channel now. I am SO not opening THAT Pandora's box.


At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

I still love Pacey. The wall episode was awesome. I used to watch religiously too. And I think I used to always say "I want a Pacey" out loud to the TV. Every week.

Oh, man, I love that Big Girls Don't Cry song. (Shudder.) I think it's because for weeks (WEEKS, I tell you!) I didn't know it was Fergie. She wasn't spelling. And if I add it to my iPod, that will be Fergie song #4 on there. And I'm not sure I'm willing to take that step just yet.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Tanya said...

Dawson's Creek, how cool I thought you were, and now realize you were not. How many other shows are doomed to your fate?

The Cops on Cops should have gotten Mr. Milo Ventimigli aka Peter Petrelli to melt the wrench into goo. Oh wait, he doesn't have that power. sad.

At 11:03 AM, Blogger Sue said...

i'm so old, i'm not sure i know any maroon 5 songs. at least not on purpose.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Swishy, put the remote down and step away from the infomercial. You are just one small step away from buying porcelin figurines and salad spinners on QVC...but it's not to late if you stop now!!!


At 12:24 PM, Anonymous dan said...

They still play music videos?

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Puff Daddy's ex ... whatever she was, that chick he allegedly had kids with though I still believe he's a eunuch, had a kid from a previous relationship with ... AL B. SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Josh Duhamel said that when he was in high school, he could never have gotten a girl as hot as Fergie. Around the country, eye doctors have just put him on speed dial. Sorry, that song sucks, by the way. Though I totally agree that the best Maroon 5 song was "Harder to Breathe." Back when we knew what a douche he was.

Monica Keena was also on the short-lived by awesome Judd Apatow series "Undeclared." They seriously need to lower the price on that shit. I mean it's like the same price as Freaks and Geeks, but it was a half-hour show.

James VanDerBeek: "I dough wah yawr wahf."

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You amaze and amuse! Always!

What's the Pacey bought Joey a wall thing? I used to watch the show, but remember, I am much, much older than you, so my show was 90210.

IM date tonight girlfriend!

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, the wall. Pacey bought Joey a wall--like, the wall of a building--so she could paint a huge mural on it. It was AWESOMELY cute because he totally GOT her and supported her. Trust me. I love Pacey. Especially Season 3 Pacey.

Music videos are on from 2-6 a.m. And allegedly during TRL, but I would NOT know about that.

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I still think Pacey is hot.

and was COPS being filmed in New Orleans? every time I happen to find it on tv, it's set in New Orleans during mardi gras.

At 5:20 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

Footballers Wives... so funny and out there!

At 5:49 PM, Blogger Andrea said...

I think I saw Gloria and just as I flipped the channel I caught myself thinking, "Yes, Gloria, but how MANY 60-second bursts did you have to do to loose those 10 pounds?"

I'd be in better shape if I just wasn't so damn lazy! :)

Oh, and thanks for the happy aniversary!

At 9:02 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Is overnight blogging the new drunk blogging? This was one of your best posts, no kidding! I just want to eat it up. I always wondered what to do if I can't sleep. Now I know!

p.s. I used to live in a condo that was upstairs from a couple who made crack or crank or something. It smelled so bad! And the fights they'd have?!!?! It's a wonder they didn't kill eachother. Luckily, they didn't pay their rent and got evicted. Bathtub drug factory and all.

At 2:54 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Awww, thank you, Mel :) OK, my neighbor's place smelled HORRIBLE! Absolutely, indescribably horrible. I bet we had the same neighbors. Mine fought like crazy, too. Like, INSANELY crazy.

Ahhhh. So glad I don't live there anymore!

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

I've never seen Dawson's Creek. It just passed me by, I guess.

I agree with your assessment of Maroon 5's best song. Harder to Breathe is a really good tune.

I hate when I can't sleep. It makes me feel like I want to jump off a bridge, and it totally stresses me out.

At 7:15 AM, Blogger Moanna said...

I hope you're not like me. If I happen to wake up one morning at 3:00 a.m., then I'm awake every morning at that same time unless I drug myself. (Meaning Tylenol PM rather than crack or crank.)

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Patti said...

do you know cops has been on for over 10 years? oh the fun we've had with them!

At 12:55 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

So was the guy wearing a wife beater? It seems like that might be a prerequisite for being on Cops.

Do you happen to have Gloria's number??

At 1:09 PM, Blogger Beth said...

oh man..All B sure!!! I used to love him! You know he has a baby with Kim Porter, who also has 3 kids with Diddy?...does he go by diddy now? who knows? who cares! I can't stand him.

and I haven't seen the Scott baio sho yet! i have GOT to see that. How did he ever get all those beautiful women...do you think he's packin? ;)

go to bed Swish!! you'll have dark circles in the morning!

At 12:07 AM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Did you know that girls in high school used to call me Pacey, only because I spit on a teacher. Ok that never happened, but a few Senior girls called me that when I was a Sophomore and I was like i have no idea what you're talking about. Then I watched the show and fell in love. When he gave her that wall wasn't he drinking milk. How cool is that? "Don't give up on your dream, oh and strong bones rock." You can't be tooo much older than me if you watched Dawson's Creek, that's a rule of thumb.

At 6:29 PM, Blogger flea said...

ah, dawson's creek, man those were the days eh! funny how that seems like a lifetime ago, but, yet it doesn't at the same time. i can't watch it now either..

and sadly i too love fergie's song...so your not alone

At 1:38 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Don't give up on your dream, OH AND STRONG BONES ROCK! ha ha ha ha HA! Holy crap, that's classic. And hey! Who says I'm not YOUNGER???

Beth, my concealer and I are becoming best friends!

At 6:35 PM, Blogger imkay32 said...

pacey is hot. and when he had that thing with the teacher...i thought YES he goes for older women!


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