Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I bought myself a present today

It's cute, right? I went to the Hallmark store to get a card, and I thought it was cute, so I got it. (Side note: Hallmark has this new line of the most awesome cards EVER! They're cute, stylish little cards ... with TV QUOTES ON THEM! Including three Grey's Anatomy ones. I wanted to buy every single one of them. They were awesome.)

So anyway. Cute mug, huh? Inspiring, right?

Well, not THAT inspiring.

I almost lived boldly tonight. I almost took a risk. But I finally decided that some risks just aren't worth taking.

Did I almost jump in the car and head for Mexico? Did I nearly make mad, passionate love to a sexy stranger? Did I flirt with getting a tattoo of George Clooney in some unmentionable place? Oh, no.

I almost went a night with no toilet paper in the house.

I'm an idiot. I NEVER run out of toilet paper. There's a roll in the other bathroom, for one thing, plus an extra roll under the sink in the other bathroom. So if I run out in my bathroom, I just grab a roll from the other bathroom and then replace it later.

Well ... I did that. Twice. And then I forgot to replace them. So tonight, I'm talking to my friends and getting ready to go home after dinner, and I'm like, "Ughh. I totally have to stop at the grocery store to get toilet paper." They laugh, and I leave. Ten minutes later I'm in the grocery store, buying yogurt and eggs and chocolate chips. I go home, unpack the groceries and--

Ohhhhh, shit. Shit! No toilet paper. I totally forgot to get it. After saying OUT LOUD 10 minutes earlier that I had to get some. After making the trip FOR THAT VERY REASON. Of COURSE, after all that, I forgot to get it.

OK, at this point it's like 10:45. I'm tired, I haven't been home all night. The LAST thing I want to do is get back in the car and drive to the grocery store for a freaking four-pack of Charmin. So I start strategizing.

Option No. 1: Hold it until I go to work tomorrow. (But won't I get a bladder infection? And what if, um, some leaks out?) Option No. 2: Use a paper towel. (But won't that clog my toilet? And, you know, chafe?) Option No. 3: Find some Kleenex and use that. (Good idea until I realize there is no Kleenex.) Option No. 4: Pretend I'm four years old and pee in the shower tomorrow morning and then throw bleach in the tub as soon as I'm done.

I know. It's disgusting. I KNOW! But is it really THAT horrible? It is SO WRONG that Option No. 4 was starting to look so appealing in the absence of any better alternatives?

All right, FINE. It is. So off to the grocery store I went. I suppose I will have to live dangerously in other ways.

So sad. I mean, really.


At 11:20 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Hysterical. I SO want one of those mugs!!!! If I come back to your city in September can we go get one???

Perhaps you could design your own mug...It could say "Stock up! It's hard to live boldly if you run out of toilet paper!"

I can see Charmine, Quilted Northern, and Scott lining up to fund this type of venture :)

At 11:36 AM, Blogger kim said...

You said the "S" word a bunch of times while talking about being out of TP -- I think there was a bigger fear than the pee factor going on here.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I always do that. go to the store to get one thing, walk out buying everything except that one thing. I truly sympathize.

love that mug!

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

That mug is cute!

I go to the grocery store and wander around thinking "what am I forgetting?" I remember when i get home.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Patti said...

What the hell was that all about?!

i couldn't resist...

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You move me to be a better person.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger Marianne said...

That is the best mug! I like quirky stuff like that. My mouse pad says "Can't Sleep. Clowns Will Eat Me." But my bozophobia is a whole other matter.

At 1:39 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

I would've used paper towels AND peed in the shower. :)
Over the weekend we stopped at this little local fruit store and I got a cute square plate that says, Sing like no ones listening!

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

At 10:45 I think I'd have found a washcloth to use and thrown it in the washing machine by itself when I was done... No way would I have gone out for a special trip!

At 5:16 PM, Blogger The Franchise said...

Thanks for the comment! I don't like to brag, well that's not true, but yes I do have an impecable taste in television. I'm excited about our cyber friendship. Wanna go on a cyber date? We could shop on Amazon, play who wants to be a millionare, talk on IM (where possibly a winky face might appear, gasp) or go to an organic online food market. The perfect date. Actually going grocery shopping is a good real life first date. Do any other guys comment because this sort of feels like im crashing an episode of the view. Great post, funny stuff.

At 5:55 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Your toliet paper! It runned out!

What the hell ws that all about?? I ask myself that very question every day. Seriously. It just doesn't make sense.

At 5:56 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Hey you got asked out on a cyber date on your comments!!

Should we all go away so you guys can chat??

At 6:08 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Doesn't the franchise know he must first be approved by Manic Mom to deem him worthy of a cyber date?

At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm so mcnasty that I would have just used a hand towel and thrown it in the wash after. But only for #1's...I'd hold a #2 until the morning at the office - hee ;)

At 9:30 PM, Blogger Shauna said...

Great blog!! I *heard* about you over at jenster's. Love the post...almost peed my pants laughing! ;-) Nothing like living dangerously - tee, hee.

And I LOVE the mug! I need me one of those. :-)

At 12:05 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

HA! You guys are totally making me laugh!

OK, I didn't even think of the washcloth! If I had, it might have been a VERY different post. LOL.

We may have to have a contest soon and the winner gets one of those mugs. It's not quite up there with a "Here, kitty kitty" t-shirt ... but what is?

(And PS ... there are boys here! Really! They just stay quiet sometimes. I can't imagine why ... haha.)

At 7:30 AM, Blogger simonsays said...

A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do, or some such s***...no pun intended. I forget to buy what I went to the store for all the time, and I blame my old age...you have no excuse. :)

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Jess Riley said...

Haha!!! I love that you took a picture of the empty roll. I was in a non-TP situation recently, too. Kleenex was substituted.

And you know, they just closed the Hallmark near me. I still have a coupon from them, the jerks.

At 4:20 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

You could have blotted off with the tube. I suspect it has some absorbant qualities.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Oh Swishy. Thanks for saying out loud what all of us would probably be thinking in the same situation. You make me smile!

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I love that mug!!

And my toilet paper roll just sits on the floor...the boys tore the roller off the wall a long time ago..

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

What? You're meant to put bleach down when you pee in the shower??? Now you tell me!!


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