Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Note to men

* They're called boobs. Women have them. And yes, they are nice, but they're not going anywhere. You don't need to keep checking every five minutes to make sure they didn't run away and start a colony somewhere.

* The mere fact that you have a penis does not make you special. Can you do special things with it? Maybe. But since we don't know that for sure, we're going with "not special" until proven otherwise. (Though, contrary to popular belief, not every living, breathing woman CARES what kind of tricks it can or can't do.)

* That penis also does not make you funnier.

* Or smarter.

* In fact, NOT having a penis doesn't make a person less smart or funny. (I know! Crazy talk!) You know what else? If you acknowledge that, in fact, a woman is smart or funny--even smarter or funnier than you, if that's possible!--it won't make your penis shrink. Really!

That is all.


At 8:57 AM, Blogger kim said...

Swishy, if want them to hear you, you must remind them that notice of equality makes the penis grow LARGER.

At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Mike said...

Yes, we are aware women have boobs. But we treat seeing a pair like we would treat seeing a UFO. We cannot look away. It's ingrained.

You might think our penises don't make us special, but just wait when you come calling when you decide you want to have kids. By the way, why do they call it "cumming"?

Our penises don't make us funnier...they just give us better, and more disturbed, senses of humor.

We know they don't make us smarter either...they just make us smarter at math and science. And they get us paid more money for doing the same jobs.

And yes Swishy, since you know me (and my disturbed sense of humor), you know this is all in jest.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Hmm, let's try this out.

You're smart and funny.

(checks). OK, wang still intact. Awesome.

Of course, you're preaching to the choir.

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

I'd like to add one:

Just because a woman knows more about sports than you or just as much as you doesn't make you less of a man. Or shrink your penis.

It makes us RULE!

Thank you.

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Patti said...

man, is there anything better than penis talk early in the morning?!

~checking my girl handbook~


At 12:26 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

hi swishy!

c'mon, a penis trick is always interesting, right?!

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I think it all depends on WHAT KIND of tricks they can do with their penis....can it write it's own name..say, "Mr. Happy"?..or can it tie itself in a knot?

I think we just need to tell men the truth...that when they worship the ground women walk on, their penis doubles and sometimes, TRIPLES its size. It's the truth. I read it in The enquirer.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

*high five to Beth* 'nuff said.

At 12:02 AM, Blogger TTQ said...

I saw my husband pluck the cat off the closed toliet lid (where she sits while I soak in the tub) hold the cat in his left arm and his penis in his right hand to take a whiz, didn't miss a drop or get his penis clawed to death. It was oddly disturbing, I mean I'm use to no privacy in the bathroom but this well this was just too much. Oh and he put down the seat and the lid..then placed the cat where she had been.

At 12:37 AM, Blogger Scribe LA said...

Although I can't really pull it off either, like Monica on Friends, but... You. Go. Girl.

At 1:04 AM, Anonymous Miss Jones said...

I am, of course, reminded of Adam Carolla's Boobville, a mythical boob colony as you described. And of the legions of loveline callers running for mayor :)

At 5:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, and holding my purse even for one second will not make your penis shrink.

At 1:22 PM, Blogger her master said...

* The ratio of checking boobs is directly proportional to how nice they are.

* Yes, it does (make us special). In fairness, your stuff makes you special, too.

* Right.

* Okaayyy.

* I'd much rather be with a woman who is smart and funny, than one who is dull and boring. And if she's also good looking .. jackpot!

* For now, right? :)

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Just A Girl In GA said...

A penis looks horrible when stuffed into a pair of skinny jeans -- I should note so do I.

Credit to men, honestly I have seen boobs that I just could not stop gawking at. My friend and co-workey has implants and honestly they look fabulous. Thank goodness she is my friend is I can honestly tell her I cannot help but look at your chest.

At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just also add this:

Just because a woman has more powertools than you does not make you less of a man... or shrink your penis.

Also, just because I have boobs does not mean I need your help the minute I walk in home depot.

You rock Swishy! Don't let the penis get you down!

lol. Great post, now open that bottle of champagne girl!

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, I'll definitely go with the "worship women, grow your penis" school of thought!

At 11:14 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

LOL, Kitliz. I need to, FOR SURE!

At 1:50 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

HA HA HA!! I can't think of anything else to add.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Couldn't have said it better. If I could have calculated exactly how many times Mr. Manic and our vacationing friend commented on the CONES at Disney... Oh man.

Men suck.

Word verification, no lie is: zsexot

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

Having a penis does make boat trips and hiking waaay better. The whole world is a toilet to a man.

BTW- You totally rock!

"The penis mightier than the sword."
(I can't believe nobody said that before me)

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Andie said...

you're brilliant. :)


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