Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, June 29, 2007


is hard sometimes.

I am sorry for being such a crappy blogger this week. I'll catch up with you all this weekend, I promise!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Blahhh blah blah

You guys!

I swear I keep writing stuff and I have no idea if any of it makes sense. My head can be a crazy place sometimes.

So, while I sort all that out, I have two questions, completely unrelated.

I was at the coffee shop today and they were playing the John Lennon song Watching the Wheels, which I hadn't heard in forever but is a totally great song. And I thought, "Oh, I'll have to download that later so I can listen to it again!" Conveniently forgetting that Yoko Ono hates iTunes (although apparently not enough to keep her own music off of it). So no John Lennon. Instead, I had to download my first-ever Fergie song. Don't ask me why, I just did. And, yes, I'm sufficiently mortified, and no, it is NOT My Humps. OR Fergalicious. (I am soooo cringing right now.)

Which leads me to the first question: What song are you most embarrassed to admit you like? I guess that Fergie song is my winner right now, but a quick perusal of my iTunes library shows Hillary Duff, Hanson, Roxette, Belinda Carlisle, Vanilla Ice ... should I stop? I think I should stop. Ha ha ha.

I really do have great taste in music. I promise!

Second question is a quickie, though VERY unrelated: What do you do to get brave? I'm just wondering. I need to get braver, and I could use some suggestions.

Saturday, June 23, 2007


Oh, so sleepy. I'm giving myself 10 minutes to spit out as much as I can (TWSS), and then I'm off to dream of cute boys and ... I don't know. More cute boys, I guess.

* I was outside on Wednesday and I got SO SUNBURNED! It hurts. It really freaking hurts. I put on some aloe vera, put on a sweater, and then when I went to take off the sweater, an entire layer of my skin came off with it. It was super gross. If I weren't so tired, I'd post a picture so we could all be grossed out together.

The funny part, though, is that my moisturizer has sunscreen, so you can totally see the finger marks where I rubbed in the moisturizer under my neck. SO hot.

* My job has been crazy lately. Crazy as in kinda sucky. Basically, I have a lot more responsibility without any of the perks or support. It's driving me a little insane--I feel like I'm just constantly scrambling to keep up and there's no payoff. I'm hoping it settles down soon (and that I get a FAT RAISE! ha ... not happening).

* My little summer project hit a speed bump this week because I went out of town. But I AM still doing it, and I'm going to get back on the wagon next week. And maybe take a French fry hiatus while I'm at it. MAYBE. That might be too crazy, though.

* I saw A Mighty Heart. It. Is. Fantastic. Angelina Jolie is amazing in it, just absolutely incredible. I cried four or five different times. I was trying to remember the last time I cried that much in a movie, and I can't remember. Years and years, for sure. I think it's sort of lame that more people are going to see, like, Evan Almighty than this movie, but I guess that's how it is. It has such a good message about strength and tolerance, though. Seeing it made me want to be a better person and make the world a better place.

But I guess before I try to change the world, I should get some sleep first.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Mile-high foreplay

So I'm on a trip for work. I get on the plane, finish reading USA Today, and lean back and shut my eyes until I can turn on one of my many portable electronic devices. Something about having my eyes shut must have made my ears perk up, because suddenly all I can hear is the conversation behind me.

Him: So where did you go to college?
Her: The University of Michigan. It's a little school in Ann Arbor.
Him: Ha ha. I thought about going to grad school there.
Her: Oh, you went to grad school?
Him: At USC.
Her (accompanied by the sound of her eyebrows shooting in the air): OHHHHHH.

I turn and peek through the seat. A man in the window seat, a woman in the aisle seat, both in their 40s.

Her: So do you do a lot of traveling?
Him: Blah blah ... I have a $3 million business ... blah blah ... my brother's my partner, he's in Spain right now ... blah blah ... what do you do?

She starts talking about her job. It's not that interesting. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep.

I do fall asleep.

I wake up. They're still chatting away.

Her: I do yoga sometimes. It makes me, you know, more flexible.
Him: Ooh, I bet that's nice.
Her (giggles): Yeah. So, um, what kind of things you do?
Him: I spin, I go swimming, I do the elliptical. (Swishy note: He has the body of a 12-year-old boy.) I'm not a very good swimmer, though.

I peek through the seat some more. The woman sees me and turns bright red. I move my head around to pretend like I was just stretching, and yes, it's as impressively deceptive as it sounds.

Him: I hurt my left rotator cuff once.
Her: I hurt my right rotator cuff!

Her: I was supposed to be on a later flight.
Him: I was trying to get on an earlier flight!

Him: I can help you with (unintelligible).
Her: (giggles)
Him: But don't give me a hard time if I can't deliver on my promises ...
Her: (giggles as they begin to walk off the plane together)

They are SO having sex right now.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

7 Up

The lovely Golightly tagged me the other day. So here, without further ado, are seven random facts about myself:

* My teeth are pretty straight but I never had braces or a retainer. I wanted them, though. I would cry big buckets of tears because I was the only kid in my class (well, not really, but it felt like it) who didn't have colored rubber bands on their teeth or a retainer case in their backpack. I felt like I was missing out on some kind of coming-of-age experience or something.

* I'm blonde, but I always wanted red hair, like Julia Roberts' or Kate Walsh's.

* One of my biggest fears in life is the idea that I might not have enough time to do everything I want to do. I get serious anxiety about it sometimes--it really freaks me out.

* I've broken a major bone (not counting fingers) three times. I broke my arm in fifth grade. A boy was chasing me down the hill at recess, and I turned to see how far he was behind me, and SMACK. Right into the monkey bars. I passed out and everything. It was a horrible break and my arm still hurts sometimes when it rains. I broke my leg in seventh grade playing basketball--I went up for a rebound and landed on my ankle. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it DOES buckle at the most random times and make me look like a complete spaz. And then I broke my cheekbone right before my junior year of high school. I was filling in on an adult men's softball team, playing second base, and someone hit a line drive right at my head when I wasn't paying attention (I believe I was checking out a guy on an adjacent field ... ha). I had a black eye for seriously half my junior year. I couldn't wear contacts for a long time but I was too vain to wear glasses, so I walked around with one contact in for months. Bad. I don't recommend it. (OK, seriously, though? The whole thing was really sick. For one thing, I stayed in the game, so by the time I got home my face was so swollen that it took hours to get my contact out of my eye. I was borderline hysterical. And then once the swelling went down enough for me to open my eye, BLOOD drained into my EYE. BLOOD. Covering my EYE! It was sooooo sick.)

* When I was a kid, like probably 8 or 9, I used to make my own radio shows. I'd talk into one tape recorder and put another tape player right next to it when it was time to play music.

* I constantly feel misunderstood. I've felt that way my entire life, and it drives me crazy.

* I have this habit of chewing on the inside of my cheek. I don't know how else to describe it, but suffice it to say it looks really freakish.

OK, your turn. Tell me something random about yourself!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Kids are cute

I'm tired, working late and in the midst of (YET. ANOTHER.) shitty week, but a couple quick, cute things because I'm sick of seeing the word "penis" at the top of my blog.

So my friend has this little girl who just turned five. The most awesome thing about this little girl is that she thinks I'm cool, despite the fact that I'm constantly telling her, "Don't do that!" Whenever she sees me, she acts like it's Christmas morning (that part's not me--she acts the same way when she sees dogs and ice cream, but I'll take it). I tell my friend all the time that the day she doesn't run over and hurl herself on top of me when she sees me is going to be the most depressing day of my life. It's coming--I'm going to show up, and she's going to be online instant messaging her friends and be like, "Oh. Hey, Swishy." And then turn around and update her MySpace page or something. My heart's breaking already!

Anyway. So lately, when I see her, I'll sit down with her and ask her to tell me all about what's going on in her life. And every time, this is what she does: She opens her mouth like she's going to answer, shuts it, then opens it again and goes, "You tell ME about YOUR life first!" She insists. She won't say a word until I go first. So then I say stuff like, I don't know, I cleaned my room, I went to work, I ran around so I could get some exercise. And it's SO cute, because she totally makes these grown-up sounds as I talk, like, "Uh huh ... uh huh ... oooooh! That sounds fun!" Just COMPLETELY attentive as I relay the most basic parts of my day. I think it's adorable.

And then the other day, we had this conversation:

Me: How's it going, pretty girl?
Her: Hey! I'm not your pretty girl. You're MY pretty girl!
Me: I am?
Her: Yeah. You're my pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, PRETTY girl! Pretty, pretty, PRETTY girl!

Did I mention that she's also very smart? Ha.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Note to men

* They're called boobs. Women have them. And yes, they are nice, but they're not going anywhere. You don't need to keep checking every five minutes to make sure they didn't run away and start a colony somewhere.

* The mere fact that you have a penis does not make you special. Can you do special things with it? Maybe. But since we don't know that for sure, we're going with "not special" until proven otherwise. (Though, contrary to popular belief, not every living, breathing woman CARES what kind of tricks it can or can't do.)

* That penis also does not make you funnier.

* Or smarter.

* In fact, NOT having a penis doesn't make a person less smart or funny. (I know! Crazy talk!) You know what else? If you acknowledge that, in fact, a woman is smart or funny--even smarter or funnier than you, if that's possible!--it won't make your penis shrink. Really!

That is all.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

How you know you're getting old and lazy

I check the mail when I get home from work, as I'm sure 99 percent of all Americans do. But lately I've gotten into a horrible habit: If there's nothing in there I care about, I put the mail back in the box and go inside. I actually put the mail BACK in the MAILBOX. It's out of the mailbox, it's in my hands, and yet I won't just take the final step and CARRY IT INSIDE. It's just more energy than I care to expend after a long, arduous (ha) day at the office.

So the Victoria Secret catalogues? The bimonthly community newspaper? That envelope stuffed with coupons that comes every few weeks? My cable bill? All stay in the mailbox until I feel like bringing them in.

I got my new issues of People, Entertainment Weekly and Rolling Stone today. I think it goes without saying that I found THOSE worthy of carrying inside.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Because I'm tired

And not all that chatty tonight, I bring you ... Swishy's favorite movie scenes!

This scene is so super cute, I seriously saw this movie in the theater like four times JUST TO SEE THIS PART. I'm serious. I love it more than all the chocolate in the world, and that's a lot. I just adore it.

And this one? Make fun of me all you want, I don't care, but this is the best kissing scene in a movie ever. It's also the first one I remember with any clarity. (I remember being COMPLETELY MORTIFIED when I saw it with my parents.) Actually, I like the part right before it even better, where they're all yelling at each other and there's all this pent-up sexual tension and then BOOM!

(This clip has Spanish subtitles. It was the only one I could find. Ha ha.)

Tom Cruise was seriously the hottest thing on two legs back then. Just LOOK at him! He was the first man I ever fantasized about, and you know what? Even though he's a little crazy and married to Joey Potter now, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I also love the part in Jerry Maguire where Renee Zellweger's like, "I love him! I dooooo! I love him, and I don't care what you think. I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is ..." Also the part where she's like, "I was on some wild ride, where I thought I was in love enough for the both of us ..." You know, that whole "That's not how I'm built" scene in the backyard. Also the part in 13 Going on 30 where Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo kiss by the swingset. SO CUTE! And ... let's see. Ohhhh, the part in Love Actually where Laura Linney gets to dance with the cute guy, and where the other cute guy shows up at Keira Knightley's house with cue cards that profess his love. (And when she realizes he likes her ... I think I like that part even more. Chills!!) And in Gone with the Wind, where Scarlett realizes she's really in love with Rhett. Oh! And you know the part in Sleepless in Seattle, where Meg Ryan's driving down the road, listening to Tom Hanks talk on the radio? LOVE IT.

I sound like such a sappy romantic. Ha.

What's your favorite movie scene?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007


I said this in the comments of my last post, but I'm going to say it again: I am such a lucky girl to have all of the nicest, funniest, smartest, most compassionate people in the world visiting my blog. You guys are awesome!

I didn't sleep that much last night--from 5ish a.m. to 6ish a.m. So I saw all kinds of TV. I got to see the same episode of 24 on two different channels. I got to see the Amy Winehouse video for "Rehab" approximately 32 times. I got to see the Dawson's Creek where Pacey and Joey get locked in a K-Mart. And, of course, Saved by the Bell, back when Screech was just a wacky high school geek without a sex tape.

Anyway, so I was pretty much in a daze most of the day. I completely embraced the fact that I looked like roadkill, and it was strangely liberating to let the world know I felt like shit instead of trying to cover it up like people usually do. I owned it, baby! I totally indulged, too--I got a massage. (Apparently my back is, like, worst ever. YEAH! He's all, "Usually people either have bad shoulders, or a bad lower back. One or the other. Your EVERYTHING is bad." Because, my friends, Swishy doesn't do anything half-assed!) And pretty soon I'm going to climb into a bubble bath with a chocolate shake and read Friend of Swishy Allison Winn Scotch's brand-new book The Department of Lost and Found. So, good stuff.

I am doing OK. I am still processing everything, but I will be OK.

So, the quickies:

* The snake update. There hasn't been a snake sighting in, like, a week. Last Friday, we got a crazy, crazy storm. It rained SO HARD! This is what the stairs from the parking lot looked like when I got home from work:

I was talking to my friend and I was all, "The snake has GOT to be dead now!" And she was like, "Are you kidding me? He's probably BIGGER now!"

So ... the snake watch continues.

* I caught a little bit of Oprah today. It was about aging, and Diahann Carroll, Nora Ephron and Geena Davis were on. They were so cool. They were just confident and funny and completely kickass. That is the one thing that I TOTALLY look forward to about getting older--just, like, owning my space better. Being more settled in who I am. (And if I can look like Diahann Carroll ... holy crap, that woman is 71! I had no idea!)

* Loyal People magazine subscriber that I am, I sent in my renewal way early to make sure my weekly fix of the Jolie-Pitts wasn't interrupted. And do you know what I got in the mail from People today? Like I need another reason to love that magazine:

You know life can't be that bad when you go out to your mailbox and find an iTunes gift card just for paying a bill!

Monday, June 04, 2007



Just ... wow.

I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach about a thousand times.

You think if someone screws you over enough times, it's enough. That there aren't any other ways you can be screwed over, because it's been there, done that. You've seen it all. The problem is forgetting that when people know you well--know you really, really well--and when they know you care about them, they can find all kinds of new ways to screw you over. And then they will. Because, apparently, some people get off on hurting people who care about them.

I hope you don't know any of those people.