No snake charmers here ... HELL no
The saga continues. Holy crap.
So. I come home from work, and what do I see?
That, my friends, is the face of a snake. THE snake. And if it wasn't enough for this snake to terrorize Swishyville on his own, this snake also has ... a friend. Yeah. A LADY FRIEND. A lady friend with whom he begins engaging in SNAKE SEX! In the bushes! Outside my apartment!
Oh, yes. There are TWO snakes now. I'm on the phone with my friend, who's all, "Swish! Call the police station! Not 911 (ha ... he knows me too well), but the police station. They can get animal control out there."
I get off the phone and watch the snake sex for a minute, because I'm a pervert and also because I'm completely freaking out and trying not to make any sudden movements that will scare them. I'm kind of weighing whether I should call, and then I think: HOLY CRAP, WHAT IF THEY'RE MAKING SNAKE BABIES????? So I run to the trunk of my car where, yes, I keep a phone book, because that's just the kind of prepared girl I am, and I call the police station.
I explain the deal. The dispatcher's all, OK, animal control's closed, but I'll send someone over. I hang up, feeling like a very responsible citizen, and start holding vigil over the snakes. The one snake, the girl snake (don't ask me how I know, I just do) disappeared while I was opening the trunk, so I stare down the boy.
OK, seriously. He does not, not, NOT like me looking at him. He starts flicking out his tongue and darting his head back and forth and it's all very scary and I'm like, please, please, please someone GET HERE NOW! But, of course, since it's not an "emergency" (just wait until I'm lying DEAD on the PAVEMENT! It'll be an emergency THEN, now won't it?!) I'm waiting forever. And then ... the snake starts to make his escape.
This is seriously the creepiest, freakiest part of all. Because you know how I said the snake was, like, two feet long? And probably some of you thought, "Oh, Swishy, you little exaggerator"? (As if I would EVER exaggerate!) Well. Well, well, well. Turns out the snake is more like, oh, FOUR feet. I am NOT kidding! Just LOOK:
That's him slithering down the wall. And now him, in all his nasty, reptilian glory, sliding across the pavement:
YOU GUYS! I don't live in the country! I mean, granted, I don't live in Manhattan either, but HELLO! THERE SHOULD NOT BE A FOUR-FOOT-LONG SNAKE IN MY PARKING LOT! Let alone TWO of them! OK, really, forget being bitten. These babies are long enough that one could drop down from the bushes and wrap itself around my neck and mouth, and the other one could wrap itself around my ankles so I fall down and can't run for help, and then I'm DEAD. I've SEEN the scary movies! I KNOW what they're capable of!
At this point, I'm sufficiently freaked out and run inside.
OK, so you know the first thing I did was run to the computer to upload all my photos so I could look at how creepy they are. A little while later, there's a knock on the door, and it's my friend Mr. Police Officer, looking oh-so-thrilled that he got called to someone's house because of a snake sighting.
Me: OK, look, I know you're probably thinking this is stupid, but TRUST ME. I took pictures of it. Do you want to look at them? Because I will show them to you. And seriously, you will die when you see how big this snake is.
Officer: Well, I mean, that's oh--
Me: Look, here, I have them up right now. (I go to move the mouse around, and my computer freezes.) Oops. Crap. OK, well, I'll go get my shoes, and then you can look. (I get my shoes. Computer's still frozen.) OK, forget it. I'll just show you.
We go outside. In my head, I start freaking out because I put on flip-flops, which means easier access for the snake, but I try to play it cool.
I show him all the snake's favorite places, because, you know, the snake and I are well-acquainted by now, but the snake is long gone. Him AND his lady friend. Of course.
Me: Look, I'm serious, they're huge snakes.
Officer: I believe you.
Me: No, REALLY.
Officer: Well ... I mean, even if I saw it, I can't really shoot it or anything.
(Me, in my head: WELL, WHY NOT? What ELSE do they give you the gun for?)
Me, out loud: Ha ha. Yeah. You know, just so you know, I DID try animal control, but she said they were closed.
Officer: Well, animal control probably won't do anything, anyway.
Me: WHAT? WHY?
Officer (shrugs): You can call them tomorrow if you're really worried.
Me: Okayyyyy. Well, thank you for stopping by.
Officer, with an evil cackle: Good luck sleeping tonight.
So ... yeah. Two enormous snakes, on the loose in and around my parking lot. And it's getting dark. And I still have to go work out. This is not good.