Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

No snake charmers here ... HELL no

The saga continues. Holy crap.

So. I come home from work, and what do I see?

That, my friends, is the face of a snake. THE snake. And if it wasn't enough for this snake to terrorize Swishyville on his own, this snake also has ... a friend. Yeah. A LADY FRIEND. A lady friend with whom he begins engaging in SNAKE SEX! In the bushes! Outside my apartment!

Oh, yes. There are TWO snakes now. I'm on the phone with my friend, who's all, "Swish! Call the police station! Not 911 (ha ... he knows me too well), but the police station. They can get animal control out there."

I get off the phone and watch the snake sex for a minute, because I'm a pervert and also because I'm completely freaking out and trying not to make any sudden movements that will scare them. I'm kind of weighing whether I should call, and then I think: HOLY CRAP, WHAT IF THEY'RE MAKING SNAKE BABIES????? So I run to the trunk of my car where, yes, I keep a phone book, because that's just the kind of prepared girl I am, and I call the police station.

I explain the deal. The dispatcher's all, OK, animal control's closed, but I'll send someone over. I hang up, feeling like a very responsible citizen, and start holding vigil over the snakes. The one snake, the girl snake (don't ask me how I know, I just do) disappeared while I was opening the trunk, so I stare down the boy.

OK, seriously. He does not, not, NOT like me looking at him. He starts flicking out his tongue and darting his head back and forth and it's all very scary and I'm like, please, please, please someone GET HERE NOW! But, of course, since it's not an "emergency" (just wait until I'm lying DEAD on the PAVEMENT! It'll be an emergency THEN, now won't it?!) I'm waiting forever. And then ... the snake starts to make his escape.

This is seriously the creepiest, freakiest part of all. Because you know how I said the snake was, like, two feet long? And probably some of you thought, "Oh, Swishy, you little exaggerator"? (As if I would EVER exaggerate!) Well. Well, well, well. Turns out the snake is more like, oh, FOUR feet. I am NOT kidding! Just LOOK:

That's him slithering down the wall. And now him, in all his nasty, reptilian glory, sliding across the pavement:

YOU GUYS! I don't live in the country! I mean, granted, I don't live in Manhattan either, but HELLO! THERE SHOULD NOT BE A FOUR-FOOT-LONG SNAKE IN MY PARKING LOT! Let alone TWO of them! OK, really, forget being bitten. These babies are long enough that one could drop down from the bushes and wrap itself around my neck and mouth, and the other one could wrap itself around my ankles so I fall down and can't run for help, and then I'm DEAD. I've SEEN the scary movies! I KNOW what they're capable of!

At this point, I'm sufficiently freaked out and run inside.

OK, so you know the first thing I did was run to the computer to upload all my photos so I could look at how creepy they are. A little while later, there's a knock on the door, and it's my friend Mr. Police Officer, looking oh-so-thrilled that he got called to someone's house because of a snake sighting.

Me: OK, look, I know you're probably thinking this is stupid, but TRUST ME. I took pictures of it. Do you want to look at them? Because I will show them to you. And seriously, you will die when you see how big this snake is.
Officer: Well, I mean, that's oh--
Me: Look, here, I have them up right now. (I go to move the mouse around, and my computer freezes.) Oops. Crap. OK, well, I'll go get my shoes, and then you can look. (I get my shoes. Computer's still frozen.) OK, forget it. I'll just show you.

We go outside. In my head, I start freaking out because I put on flip-flops, which means easier access for the snake, but I try to play it cool.

I show him all the snake's favorite places, because, you know, the snake and I are well-acquainted by now, but the snake is long gone. Him AND his lady friend. Of course.

Me: Look, I'm serious, they're huge snakes.
Officer: I believe you.
Officer: Well ... I mean, even if I saw it, I can't really shoot it or anything.
(Me, in my head: WELL, WHY NOT? What ELSE do they give you the gun for?)
Me, out loud: Ha ha. Yeah. You know, just so you know, I DID try animal control, but she said they were closed.
Officer: Well, animal control probably won't do anything, anyway.
Officer (shrugs): You can call them tomorrow if you're really worried.
Me: Okayyyyy. Well, thank you for stopping by.
Officer, with an evil cackle: Good luck sleeping tonight.


So ... yeah. Two enormous snakes, on the loose in and around my parking lot. And it's getting dark. And I still have to go work out. This is not good.


At 9:51 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

That fucker is huge! I can't sleep now. And my husband wonders why I don't like gardening with him.. Well Duh, there are garden SNAKES!

At 11:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't freaking believe what i just saw. i will send up a prayer--maybe two--to our lord and savior tonight. yes, i am talking about the tommy gun. you have GOT too call animal control in the morning. that cop was full of it.

At 11:26 PM, Blogger Swishy said...


I knowwwwwwwwww!!!! CRAZY, right?!

At 12:27 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

dude, i would totally skip my workout tonight if i had snakes in my parking lot.

that policeman was loads of help. way to protect the people.

At 1:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i see your feet by that drain and i worry. swishy, be careful. snakes--a sea of them--are gonna slither out of that drain and squeeze the writer right out of you. make you wish you were never born a mormon. it's scary as all get-out. lord jesus.

At 4:52 AM, Anonymous www.rambleonrose.com said...

hOLY cow swishy.... Thats one big snake!! I sure hope they are not making snake babies as there can be up to 12 babie snakes and if venmous the are as babies as well.. Will you call some one... look up in your phone book pest control, a Wires officer anyone... either that or get a big shovel and hope you nail it on the head... though here in oz we get a coke can and cut little triangles in the bottom with the sharpest bit pointing inwards add a bit of milk to the can.. and once the snake gets its head in it cant get back out then you bang it with a shovel...

good luck......

At 7:04 AM, Blogger Beth said...

look, there is NO way I would go work out..well, I hate to work out anyway, but that's besides the point. STAY AWAY! That snake is HUGE!!! WTF?!! Who let that snake loose and why won't animal control do anything about it? isn't that their JOB!!??

Snake freak me out....serpents and evil and all that. YUK!

I'm scared for My Swishy!!!

At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

OK. Now, I probably was one of those that thought "I'm sure it's a small garden snake Swishy."


I have never seen a snake that big in my life! Except for movies! And the zoo!

Garden snakes are supposed to be small. Like gardens! Not big enough swallow a small cat! This is INSANE!

And I always thought "I live on the 3rd floor. Am safe from snakes." Slithering down the side of the wall? WTF?!?

At 9:57 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

At the risk of speaking for Manic, I think we might imply that our neck of the woods is snake free. OK, well I don't really know about hers, just mine. But I'm trying to be helpful, OK?

Are you sure that the hissing isn't just the Lovecats saying they miss you?

At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to say something like "Hey, it's just a snake!" but I don't think that's going to go over real well...lol!

I've had snakes on and off for years... actually spent a few years in highschool taking a ball-python named Matilda around to teach biology to first graders. Six year olds are much more open minded about snakes!

Sorry this one is giving you such a hard time... And I totally can't believe you were taking pictures of SNAKE SEX. Is that legal?

At 10:11 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

You should have told the officer to get those mother effing snakes away from your mother effing parking lot.

That snake is big!

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

That is sooooo big!

1. I've never seen snakes do it, so I'd be interested too. You're not a freak...or else I am too, I refuse to be...so there. We're not freaks. So what if we watch snake sex?

2. If animal control refuses to come in the future & they say it's not an emergency...just start screaming at the top of your lungs, and then drop the phone or hang up. they will interpret that as an emergency, and boom---they're there, problem solved.
(I know, I can be so dramatic...but whatever. If there was a 4 foot snake outside of my house, that's a damn emergency.)

At 10:50 AM, Blogger Patti said...

they look like Bull snakes...completely harmless and actually beneficial to the area in which it lives, ie eating rats and mice.

don't be scared...it is fine to have them around. and look on the bright side: how many of us can say we have watched snake sex?

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

What does he mean he can't do anything???? Are you just supposed to cohabitate with the snake? Obviously, he can't shoot the snakes, but he can remove them to a land far far away.

If animal control doesn't help, maybe call one of those animal rights groups. Tell them you're afraid the snakes will be run over and need to be relocated immediately for their own safety. To, say, Wyoming.

At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Ick. I hate snakes. We get bears in our backyard. We live 15 minutes from downtown. Bears. I called animal control to report the bear and he says "There is a bear in your yard?"
Me: Uh huh.
Animal Control: "are you inside?"
Me: yes
AC: You should stay there.


At 12:43 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Okay. I don't really cuss, but all the bad words that people said in their comments? YEAH!! THAT!!

OMG! That's not a pretty little garden snake! (Like there's any such thing anyway.)

This reminds me of a snake story that would be too long to type here so I guess I'll have to write it on my blog at some point. Only I can tell you right now, it's not quite as exciting and urgently tragic! (Do you like that? "urgently tragic")

At 12:58 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, seriously, I am afraid the snake is going to eat some person's little dog!! It is HUGE! Freakishly huge. I feel like I am in a direct-to-video sequel to Anaconda or something.

And no, I did not end up working out! HA! I was like, screw that, I'm locking the doors and eating an ice cream sandwich. Ha ha.

At 12:58 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

YES! Urgently tragic! THAT sums it up PERFECTLY!

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

timely story i just read on my news website:


title: Egyptian Tries to Smuggle 700 Snakes on a Plane

At 4:32 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You are going to completely hate me for this, but go to this link.

Sleep well tonight.


(Insert Manic-evil-cackling here... if anything, I figured this would give you a great snake update!)

At 5:16 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

OMG! (and I NEVER use that term). I do live in the country (ish) and I would soooo freak if I saw a snake like that. Of course I would just call over a neighbor boy and they would take care of it ... but jeepers ... ick! That is creepy!

At 6:17 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I seriously doubt that that snake will harm you. It looks like a milk snake or something like that the is not poisonous (no diamondhead-ish head or anything like that). But then again, I'm not an expert. I suggest that you try as hard as it can be to just let it be.

At 7:02 PM, Blogger Just A Girl In GA said...

Hi Swishy,

Snakes creep me out, I mean BIG time creep me out. I get the willies just looking at those pictures.

Call you local Zoo, maybe they will come and take them away. Where the hell is PETA when you need them?

At 1:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get those creepy, very large snakes out of your parking lot. I would be afraid to go to the car!! The do multiply and they are HUGE! If animal control won't help you, get a trapper. They love doing that kind of stuff (don't ask me why) It is freaky they are so close to that drain ditch, hope they don't go up. Good luck! The pictures alone would give me nightmares, I just HATE them.......

At 12:56 PM, Blogger XYZinn said...

OMG! That is so freakin' scary. I hate snakes! Why do they have to be so creepy?

At 1:17 PM, Blogger Andie said...

well then you definitely don't want to hear about the 3 foot water moccasin I had in my flower bed when we moved into our house 5 years ago. I was weeding the flower beds, and there he was, getting pissed at me because I was disturbing him.

I hate weeding now.

At 4:45 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Diva is freaking out about the snake pictures right now! She wanted me to show them to her.
And btw, today, on my FIVE MILE WALK, my neighbor and I saw a SNAKE TOO! They're all over the place!
PS--I got scoop on JW. Personally. You're not on IM.

At 4:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh holy crap! I'd be freaking out as well - that thing is forever huge. oh hell no. I'd move


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