Get it BACK on the PLANE!
I'm coming home from work. I pull up, put the car in park and go to grab my stuff off the passenger seat. I glance out through the windshield as I lean over and I see ... a SNAKE! An honest-to-goodness, two-foot-long SNAKE. It's winding through the bushes and disappearing into the drainage pipe right in front of my car. THIS drainage pipe:
OK, the last time I'd seen a snake was at summer camp in New Jersey when I was 12. A tiny little water snake darted out in front of me, and I got so scared I sprinted for seriously like 20 miles and then hid in a latrine for an hour. I do NOT like snakes.
So I start freaking out. Inexplicably, I become obsessed with seeing it again, just so I can prove I really saw it. So, verrrry slowly, I get out of the car, stand a safe distance away, and start chucking rocks at the drainage pipe. (Yes, people walked by. Yes, they looked slightly disturbed. No, I didn't care.) The snake's staying put. I grab my stuff and run inside.
But then, THEN, I come back outside a few minutes later and WHAT DO I SEE? The big-ass, scary-ass snake, slithering around inside the pipe. THIS SNAKE.
OK, do you SEE HIM? No? LET ME ZOOM IN FOR YOU.
Can I tell you the most disturbing part? Can I? I WALK UP THE STAIRS MERE INCHES FROM THIS PIPE. And the light next to the stairs isn't working! So, theoretically, I could be staggering home from a long day and BE ATTACKED BY THE SNAKE IN THE DARK!
I didn't leave the house after dark tonight just in case. I'm serious. If sometime, in the upcoming weeks, you don't hear from me for a few days, it's very likely because I got murdered by a killer snake.
It's been really nice knowing all of you.