Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Get it BACK on the PLANE!

I'm coming home from work. I pull up, put the car in park and go to grab my stuff off the passenger seat. I glance out through the windshield as I lean over and I see ... a SNAKE! An honest-to-goodness, two-foot-long SNAKE. It's winding through the bushes and disappearing into the drainage pipe right in front of my car. THIS drainage pipe:

OK, the last time I'd seen a snake was at summer camp in New Jersey when I was 12. A tiny little water snake darted out in front of me, and I got so scared I sprinted for seriously like 20 miles and then hid in a latrine for an hour. I do NOT like snakes.

So I start freaking out. Inexplicably, I become obsessed with seeing it again, just so I can prove I really saw it. So, verrrry slowly, I get out of the car, stand a safe distance away, and start chucking rocks at the drainage pipe. (Yes, people walked by. Yes, they looked slightly disturbed. No, I didn't care.) The snake's staying put. I grab my stuff and run inside.

But then, THEN, I come back outside a few minutes later and WHAT DO I SEE? The big-ass, scary-ass snake, slithering around inside the pipe. THIS SNAKE.


Can I tell you the most disturbing part? Can I? I WALK UP THE STAIRS MERE INCHES FROM THIS PIPE. And the light next to the stairs isn't working! So, theoretically, I could be staggering home from a long day and BE ATTACKED BY THE SNAKE IN THE DARK!

I didn't leave the house after dark tonight just in case. I'm serious. If sometime, in the upcoming weeks, you don't hear from me for a few days, it's very likely because I got murdered by a killer snake.

It's been really nice knowing all of you.


At 6:44 AM, Blogger Beth said...

ok, that last snake looks BIG! and dangerous!! You goof ball! When you see a snake...DO NOT WALK UP TO IT!! Esp. to take a picture of it for your blog! I would miss you terribly swishy, so stay away from the snake!

when the heck did that big thing come from? wow, I don't think I've ever said that before....

At 8:49 AM, Blogger Monnik said...

holy crap. i'd be on the phone with someone, animal control?

I agree with Beth that being close enough to take a picture of it might not have been your shining moment of brilliance.

Stay safe, swishy!!

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Omigosh, that is way to creepy. Call animal control, your building superintendant, the Mayor's office...whatever it takes to get that thing away from you.

It's amazing what a persistant, hysterical female can accomplish with a few phone calls!

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Travis Erwin said...

Most likely the snake is not venomous but not knowing where you live or getting a better look it is hard to say.

And the snake is as afraid of you as you are it. Look on the brigth side they eat lots of mice and this one looks big enough to dine on an occasional rat as well.

Where does the other end of the pipe go?

At 11:25 AM, Anonymous crazed said...

Wow! Rich even says it's a big snake! Watch yourself!! You Crazy (Imagine Mia saying it)!!

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

First of All: LOL MY ASS OFF about the title: Get back on the plane!

Second of All: Who the hell uses the word "latrine?"

Third of All: That is one big mother-fucker snake!

Fourth of All: Do you know that water drainage pipe most likely leads straight to your current latrine. Remember this as your peeing at 3 a.m. next time.

Fifthly and maybe finally: Call some animal control people!!!!

Hugs and kissesssssssss,

P.SSSSSSS... did you get the joke with the ssssss's? Like as in a slithering snake?

No need to thank me.

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Gardener Greg said...

I killed a big snake(4 ft) a few weeks ago here at work. I thought it was poisonous. Someone else looked at it after it was dead and said, look it isn't poisonous, it has round eyes. Like I was goint to get that close before it was dead. Run then check it out.

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Manic, you're cruel to freak poor Swishy out when she's exposing her delicates on the toilet at 3AM. What kind of friend are you?!?


At 1:51 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Holy CRAP! Can you imagine a SNAKE in your TOILET???? SICK!!!!!

Speaking of toilets, that's what they're CALLED at camp, aren't they? I was gonna say porta-potty, but I was like, no, because it was more like a hut with a toilet seat that opened up into a big hole in the ground. Isn't that a latrine? At any rate, it was gross.

And I think the pipe is an extension of the rain gutters. I think.

At 2:25 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

I had to scroll by the snake pic fast. I have a HUGE snake phobia! Alligators, I've held them, I've wanted to touch them to make sure they were real..but snakes..uh uh. no way

At 4:26 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Wow, that's kinda awesome that despite allegedly being scared of snakes, you got close enough to take pictures for our benefit. That's going the extra mile for your readers, and as a reader, I appreciate it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I believe my company's IT department just blamed me for the Chicago Fire.

At 4:38 PM, Blogger kim said...

that snake won't make it's way too your toilet -- it's too busy caring for the eggs it's laid in YOUR CAR!!!

wait, rain gutters? the thing is going to drop from your ceiling!

Are you, or are you not a late night cheesy movie watcher.

That's two off the top of my head -- better find out what kind it is.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I hate snakes, too. The only good snake is a dead snake!

Question - do you have your camera with you 24/7? 'cause I wanna be like you so I have to know these things.

At 5:54 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Manic! I can't believe you said that about the crapper! I mean, you know it and I know it, but maybe Swishy didn't know it! :o)

At 6:45 PM, Anonymous RR said...

First of all I tired to comment yesterday but I was in such a fit of laughter I couldnt manage it...

Secondly, just think if that snake can crawl there in that pipe.. just imagine where in your car it can crawl up into...

There are many a snakes (all very deadly) that crawl into cars here in Australia we have some of the deadliest on earth... I'd get that snake checked out... And its true it could end up in your crapper along with the rats and mice that can hold their breath forever !!

Thanks for being so brave by taking the picture.... Now go call the snake man to get it removed...

RR www ramble-on-rose.com

She's back ...

At 7:41 PM, Blogger flea said...

omg it's freakin HUGE! and ewwww do not blame you at all, that's nasty...and i agree call animal control or something to come take it away

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are freaking me out!!! Ha ha ha.

Jenster, I totally keep my camera in my purse. I just grab my wallet and cell phone a lot, and those are always the times that I'm like, why, oh, WHY didn't I bring my camera?!? So if I know I'm going to be out a long time, I'll grab that, too :)

At 8:04 PM, Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Gross. I would stay in the house too. We saw a snake in our yard when we lived in the woods, I told my husband to bash his head in with a rock.

He thought that was a tad too much but whatever, I hate snakes!


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