Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

We're changing lives here

So last week, EW.com asked readers to submit examples of how TV and movies had changed their lives. Good news, kids, there are crazier people than your friend Swishy! My favorites:

* I lived in Maine for a few years because of Murder She Wrote. Seriously.

* My first trip to Hawaii was inspired by an episode of Step by Step. I wish I was kidding.

At first I wasn't sure if this one was serious--and I'm still not positive it is--but Entertainment Weekly seems to think so, and maybe they have some sort of elaborate vetting system. Anyway, the best one of all was this:

* I once watched an episode of The Simpsons where Homer was a truck driver, and he needed to stay up all night, so he pooped a whole bottle of caffeine pills, then balanced it out with sleeping pills to reach equilibrium. I had to stay up to watch a marathon of X-files on TNT, and went out to the 7-11, bought caffeine pills, and swallowed 15. If it couldn't hurt Homer, how could it hurt me? Well, later that night, I told my bro that I probably needed to go to the doctor so they can pump my stomach. I ended up not being able to sleep for two days, and my hand has a hidden tremor.

Ha ha ha. So then, naturally, I started thinking about mine. Like ...

* After I saw this one wall hanging made out of test tubes and a tool holder thingy on Trading Spaces, I became obsessed with making one myself. OK, do you know how hard it is to find test tubes? Test tubes that fit into tool holder thingies? I'll tell you: HARD. It took months--MONTHS--of calling stores and searching online. By the time my very sweet boyfriend-at-the-time found some for me, I'd lost all my passion for the project. I currently have a bag of test tubes collecting dust in the hall closet.

* I bought an outfit almost exactly like the one Calista Flockhart wears on the cover of the Ally McBeal soundtrack, only that one's purple and mine was gray and black. I also started wearing shorter skirts and picturing people's heads getting big and exploding when they were mad.

* I'm pretty sure I also might have used a line from Ally McBeal once when I was breaking up with a boyfriend. We talked and whatever, and I got out of his car and shut the door. Then, I very dramatically flung the door open again and said something like, "If I was going to spend the last year of my life with someone, I'm glad it was you." And then dramatically shut the door again and dramatically walked inside.

* After seeing Sleepless in Seattle, my life's goal became getting Meg Ryan's hair in that movie. Ditto for Reese Witherspoon's hair after I saw Sweet Home Alabama. Also, Reese's makeup. (It was a little bit of a slow movie. I had lots of time to study it.)

* Project Runway made me want to learn how to sew. This, in spite of the fact that I got a D in sewing in eighth grade. It hasn't really gone past that point, though.

* I'm not positive, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I started trying to work self-important, four-syllable words into otherwise ordinary conversations after Dawson's Creek came on the air.

* I anointed myself the next Debbie Gibson after I saw the Making of the Video for Electric Youth. I taped the show and watched it over and over again until I had the dance moves down, then unveiled them at my best friend's birthday party (the focal point of which was a lip sync and dance contest). I won second place in the dance contest, which I took as a total sign I was on the right track. (And, by the way, I WOULD have won first place except the first-place girl did a SPLIT. Like I'm supposed to compete with a SPLIT.) The next step was writing my own songs, since Debbie did, so I spent many hours lying on my bed, staring longingly at my ceiling, stringing together lyrics about rain and rainbows and true love. Unfortunately, in addition to the fact that I can't sing, my plan was foiled when I discovered rather quickly that I was a terrible songwriter. (Although, in my defense, using lyrics like, "I get lost in your eyes/And I feel my spirits rise" as my model did me no favors.)

The sad part is that I thought of all of these in like two seconds, so undoubtedly, there are many, many, many more. What are yours?

22 Comments:

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Swishy I knew you could dance!!! That's why you got the D in sewing...you're not meant to sew! I tried to make one of those fancy jean jackets when I was younger (you know, the ones covered with all kinds of lace and fabric and bedazzling). But sewing seemed too slow so I used Elmer's glue instead. My sister STILL jokes about the performance-art potential of sending someone out in the rain in one of my "creations."

Some of us are meant to boogie :)

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

I shouldn't be allowed to watch HGTV. I end up thinking of myself as a home improvement expert and do stuff like rip up linoleum or tear down panelling. I even removed the toilet when hubby was out of town once so I could tile the floor where I had ripped up said linoleum. It all seemed to work out okay, but I watch those shows and then I get an itch and then...

 
At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Sarakastic said...

I once hurried through a break up so I wouldn't miss any of "Judging Amy". Now with TIVO my break ups can take as long as they like.

 
At 11:29 AM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

First, Step By Step went to Hawaii? I don't remember that.

Too funny! I watched the Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller so many times so I could learn the dance.

Oh, and I watched it on BETA.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger Beth said...

I think you were meant for the stage and screen...and US magazine!

Let's see...well, after Flashdance, I wore ripped sweatshirts all the time..no leg warmers tho.

And HGTV makes me crazy! Especially all the crafts and gardening things they do! Oh I know, after watching Nate on Oprah make drapes out of two different kinds of fabric, I went and bought some fabric the next day to make some of my own. the lady cutting the fabric said, "You must have watched oprah yesterday...EVERYONE has been in here today making drapes!"

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Kristabella, I used to be able to do MC Hammer's dances. Before I got bad knees.

Before my last high school swimming race, I did a strip tease like the pro wrestler Shawn Michaels. I know I have lots more; I'll have to think. Does having Andre Agassi's entire pink/black ensemble count?

Since my brother's in Iceland, I'll speak for him and say that when he was in middle school and HS, he grew his hair out because he wanted it to look like Keifer Sutherland (in his Julia Roberts days). Hey, who can blame him? Especially now with 24, I think Keifer has to be at the top of the list for most guys' man-crushes.

 
At 1:04 PM, Blogger flea said...

hahaha oh lord i don't think i want to venture there other than that i so want to be in a Sean Paul video and i train and dance to all his songs so i can be "ready"....

oh and i so agree about the reese witherspoon hairstyles in Sweet Home Alabama, every damn time i see that flick i want to cut my hair and it's to much restraint that i don't give in...

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Oh dear god Swishy! I've been thinking about checking into the the funny farm again..I was wondering do you want to be Angelina Jolie or Winona Ryder ala Girl Interrupted? I'll let you pick first..
Don't bother packing too much it will all be confiscated..

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Andie said...

hmmm I watched Sixteen Candles so many times that at the age of 30, I know almost the whole movie by heart. And I still have a crush on Jake Ryan.

In college, I had my hair cut like Rachel on Friends.

In Jr. High I let my hair grow out really long in the hopes I could be like Winnie Cooper and have a Kevin Arnold.

I still get ideas from freaking "sell this house" "trading spaces" and other shows like that.

I'm sure there are more... I'm drawing a blank....

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Trish said...

I was very proud of my Brooke Shields eyebrows as a teenager. Even now when I get them waxed they tell me I have a little Brooke Shields action going on...

I like my eyebrows ;)

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger Mike said...

I can probably recite "Commando" from start to finish. And it makes me want to learn to be a mercenary.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger Scott, Jill, Kirye, and Obi said...

Okay, so on Saturday there was an old movie on ABC Family...Troop Beverly Hills (it's like the best Shelley Long movie amd I couldn't help but watch some of it). I remember watching it as a kid over and over again and wanting to be as cool as those rich girl scouts.

My husband said the movie "My bodyguard" changed his life. He was a scrawny little kid and it told him that he could either A)hire his own bodyguard or B)learn to stand up for himself. He had to choose B because he didn't have any money to hire a bodyguard.

 
At 10:41 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK. Everyone wanted Meg hair.

Let's see. Pretty in Pink. I just wanted to go to the fuckin' prom. I would have taken Ducky had he asked me!

Say Anything--In Your Eyes was the second song played at our wedding. I would have sex with Lloyd Dobbler if he'd only ask me. And six degrees of separation, I happened to be at a bar the same day John Cusack was, but alas, our paths did not cross. Probably Ok anyway, because I doubt he was carrying around a boom box with the Peter Gabriel tape stuck in it still.

Oh, and I've always wanted to try to make bunny stew.

That is all from the Manic.

Miss you BBFF!! As you probably know, I've been busy with Diva and her F U C K I N G tooth!

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Mike, were you going commando when you were reciting commando?

Ah, forgot Sixteen Candles my all-time favorite movie. I'd do Jake Ryan too, on the dining room table, and yes, birthday cake and frosting would HAVE to be included.

Also, once, after I saw The Breakfast Club, I tried to tape my ass cheeks together with duct tape and then also made myself get dandruff...

HAHAHAH WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM AND HOW DID I REMEMBER THE ASS CHEEK DUCT TAPE THING!?!?

I am so freaking funny Swish, I wish we were IMming right now, but alas, Diva's tooth has set me back a bit.

OK, I'm done.

 
At 2:08 AM, Anonymous Liz said...

I majored in journalism in college because of Murphy Brown. It's true.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Manic, I totally forgot. Once after a breakup which wasn't officially a breakup yet, rather a "thinking things over," after looking at my Say Anything poster and asking myself, "What would Lloyd Dobler do?" I put a flower and a tape on my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend's doorstep. I didn't own a boombox. The song wasn't "In Your Eyes," though. It was "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin.

I also shortly after went to see a band called The Lloyd Dobler Effect just because of the name. It was pure serendipity that they turned out to be one of my favorite bands and the nicest guys ever.

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Andie said...

ooh I have another one...

After watching dirty dancing, I would dance by myself trying to learn the mambo. LOL

I finally learned it and I can do it now! I took lessons, now 20 years later!

oh, and manic, I totally love lloyd dobbler. My husband and I both love that movie, and we also played In Your Eyes at our wedding. How fun!

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger Mike said...

You're a funny lady, Manic Mom. I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Monnik said...

Who didn't love Lloyd Dobler? And his friend who had the "Joe Lies When He Cries" song? Good stuff.

I also shouldn't be allowed to watch HGTV, but I do. My TiVo is practically stuck on that channel. Every time I see a cool (and cheap) idea from the Design on a Dime guys, I have to try it out. Whether I need a lamp made out of a flower pot or not.

 
At 9:40 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

OH My STARS. If I even began to explore this idea, I would fill up your whole flippin' page.
Sadly, much of my life (earlier, I mean my earlier life .. I don't have the issue any more .. I don't I swear) experiences have been tainted/effected by things I saw on television -- 90210 - bad, Melrose Place - worse.
And music -- yikes ... Madonna, Crazy for you. Digital Underground, The Humpty Dance - enough said.
Ok, I am steppin' off now.

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

HA HA HA ... I LOVE everyone's responses! Holy crap, they're awesome. AWESOME. You guys are so funny!

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

I miss Ally McBeal...

 

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