Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Sheryl Crow doesn't poop

I almost feel bad for celebrities sometimes. I almost do. Yes, they have millions of dollars and copious amounts of free time and people who'd pay hard-earned cash to eat their leftover French fries (not that they eat French fries, those skinny bitches). But some of the things that come out of their mouths ... it's like watching a girl at the beach who doesn't know her bikini top's fallen off. You just have to cringe a little at the complete lack of unawareness.

So anyway. You've heard about how some people don't think their shit stinks; well, apparently, Sheryl Crow doesn't shit at all. From her blog, otherwise known as How Sheryl Crow Will Save the World, One Square at a Time.

I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit.

I can promise you that I have never walked into my bathroom and used fewer than three squares, and that includes the toilet paper I use to blot my lipstick in the morning. Perhaps Sheryl has magic poop that slides off her fingers into the bowl? Or maybe she likes to smear her poopies on the wall, a la your favorite 1-year-old, as interpretive art?

There's really nothing else to add here. I can't even make fun of her for spelling "squares" wrong.

In other celebrity news, Shanna Moakler (if you don't know her name, don't worry, you shouldn't) posted Paris Hilton's and Lindsay Lohan's personal email addresses on MySpace over the weekend. Because nothing says "Take that, bitches!" like having a bunch of Middle American teenagers email Paris and ask her about her sex tape.

Shanna also posted Paris's phone number (310-801-0148 ... shh!) online. This is a loose reenactment of an IM conversation I had with my BBFF Manic this afternoon:

Manic: I'm picking my feet.
Me: You always pick your feet.
Manic: Must be a stress thing. Are Paris and K-Fed dating?
Me: I don't think so ... did you see they posted Paris's number online? I called it. Mailbox full.
Manic: No! Seriously, for real?
Me: 310-801-0148.
Manic: OK, I'm calling ... HOLY SHIT, SHE ANSWERED! What do I say? Quick!!! HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT, I am talking to her! I just told her I'm a reporter from OK! (Swishy side note: A reporter from OKLAHOMA? WTF?!?)
Manic: YES! Asking about K-Fed ...
Me: You are such a liar.
Manic: NO!
Me: Are you serious?
Manic: Hang on ...
Me: Make sure you say that Swishy gave you the number! HA HA.
Manic: Who's her ex-boyfriend?
Me: Stavros ... Greek guy.
Manic: OK, gonna ask about that. What else?
Me: Brandon Davis. He called Lindsay Lo firecrotch. They're friends, Paris was with him.
Manic: Ohhhhhh ... OK, hang on ... holy shit!!
Me: I am laughing sooooooooo hard.
Manic: Fuck. She figured out I was a fake and just said goodbye.
Me: No way.
Manic: Cuz I started asking her about that TV show and I forgot what it was called. Me: The Simple Life!
Manic: That's RIGHT! Simple Life! Hey, they should do a tv show ...
Manic: .... called
Manic: ... PUNK'D!
Me: I KNEW IT!!!
Manic: No, you did not!!!
Me: I TOTALLY knew it!
Manic: You did NOT! Ha ha ha ha ha ... I'm hilarious.

If you ever wonder if my life is as exciting as it sounds, this is proof positive that yes, yes, it is.


At 7:50 AM, Blogger kim said...

Sheryl crow wasn't trying to be funny with the one square per business?

remind me to BMOTP next time I go to her house.

At 7:56 AM, Blogger kim said...

Ha! I just noticed my acronym starts with "BM".

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...


First of all, OK is NOT OKLAHOMA--it's OK magazine--isn't there a London mag called OK? And here I was, thinking I was being sooo cool.

And yes, Swishy, you have just outted us as the two seriously biggest dorks we knew we were but were trying to keep hidden from blogland!!

BTW, Swishy's digits are...

hee hee, kidding! Buh bye, firecrotch! hee hee again. See what a dork I am... and here Tukey is asking me, "Mom, I want to play 'Hide the Fart'" WHAT!?!?!?

It's a stupid game on ADDICTING GAMES... go ahead and google it, you'll thank/hate me later... also, there's a game called Kitten Cannon--you shoot a kitty through a cannon and it flies in the air, bounces off stuff and eventually falls on a pile of knives where it dies a bloody death.

See how cool I am.

OH, and ironically, my word verification starts with CAT!

First Kim gets BM. Then i get CAT. I Think there's something very strange about how WV works, don't you?

ANd no, haven't had any coffee yet.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK MAGAZINE?!?! HA HA HA HA HA. I thought you were thinking fast and all you could come up with was Oklahoma! HA!

I'm going to play Kitten Cannon now....ha ha ha.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

OK, I just metaphorically spit coffee all over my keyboard. You 2 jokers owe me a new one. Manic, you're closer, I think. I'm coming to collect from you first.

Oh, and because I have to say it anytime someone mentions one or the other, Brandon Davis and Denny (aka McDirty) from Grey's were separated at birth.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger TTQ said...

One square my ass! Maybe she has a colstomy bag or something..and pays someone to take care of her bum..or she really reallly really likes her bidet..

You know I'm calling that number...

Whoa! It really does work!
Cingular/At&T cell phone..And Paris Singing a bad bad version of Mmmmmmm Bop!!!! by Hansen..

Holy Crap I didn't block my number first. Oh well, it's Cingular too so it was free and I never set up my voice mail (I've had this number for 3 years). I think my mom's name shows up, we share a family plan..

Maybe I should post my cell phone number somewhere..she just told me we have over 6000 unused rollover mins. Everyone I call has Cingular..so no mins get used.

Hey can you get Alec Balwin's number, I gotta message for him.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Hey, did you know that according to the urban dictionary, "swishy" is a synonym for gay?

At 3:38 PM, Blogger Beth said...

the one square thing? what about when you're on your period?! Hello! I bleed like a stuck pig and one square aint gonna do it! and the poop thing is just too gross....what if you eat mexican the night before? she's crazy!

I totally bought the whole Paris phone thing! ;)

At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

Sheryl Crow is crazy.

It makes me think of the Seinfeld episode with Elaine "can you spare a square?"

At 7:34 PM, Blogger Golightly said...


At 11:53 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said...

You two crack me up.

I read about Ms. Crow's comment today. Now THERE'S a way to save the planet! Shitty fingers! I think all of that hair color is doing something to her brain.

I knew a guy in college that seriously only used one square of TP. He poked his finger through the middle of the square and used that for most of the "wiping" action, then wiped his finger with the square. We got his description of the technique on film during a party. I think he lives in a tent in Costa Rica now.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Beth, you are too much!! HA HA.

OK, Jess ... siiiiiiiiick!!!! I love that he's on film describing it.

At 3:50 AM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

TTQ - Speaking as a "bag man", one square doesn't do it there either.

Maybe celebs use really big squares.

At 8:12 AM, Blogger Kari Lee Townsend said...

LOL, now that's funny right there. And I thought we were nuts, you two beat us hands down;))

I want to par-tay with you ladies some day!!!!

At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 2:12 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

I love that Rosie said "Have you seen my ass?" - Because that is exactly what I was thinking. Obviously she has never had to clean up after a toddler!
I totally wanted to call the Paris phone - but couldn't muster the courage and wondered what Mr. Farmer would think if he actually looked at the bill. But Manic, I could absolutely see Manic making conversation with Paris! Girl, you need to cover up your coochie when you leave the house .. and tell that oily kid to stop being so mean to Lindsay, she's a good girl -- didn't he ever see The Parent Trap? - or something like that :)

At 6:57 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

First - I'm trying to figure out the logistics of one square per event and it's just not adding up.

Second - LMAO at you and Manic. You girls are crizazy! (That's cool talk for crazy, Yo!)


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