Sheryl Crow doesn't poop
I almost feel bad for celebrities sometimes. I almost do. Yes, they have millions of dollars and copious amounts of free time and people who'd pay hard-earned cash to eat their leftover French fries (not that they eat French fries, those skinny bitches). But some of the things that come out of their mouths ... it's like watching a girl at the beach who doesn't know her bikini top's fallen off. You just have to cringe a little at the complete lack of unawareness.
So anyway. You've heard about how some people don't think their shit stinks; well, apparently, Sheryl Crow doesn't shit at all. From her blog, otherwise known as How Sheryl Crow Will Save the World, One Square at a Time.
I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit.
I can promise you that I have never walked into my bathroom and used fewer than three squares, and that includes the toilet paper I use to blot my lipstick in the morning. Perhaps Sheryl has magic poop that slides off her fingers into the bowl? Or maybe she likes to smear her poopies on the wall, a la your favorite 1-year-old, as interpretive art?
There's really nothing else to add here. I can't even make fun of her for spelling "squares" wrong.
In other celebrity news, Shanna Moakler (if you don't know her name, don't worry, you shouldn't) posted Paris Hilton's and Lindsay Lohan's personal email addresses on MySpace over the weekend. Because nothing says "Take that, bitches!" like having a bunch of Middle American teenagers email Paris and ask her about her sex tape.
Shanna also posted Paris's phone number (310-801-0148 ... shh!) online. This is a loose reenactment of an IM conversation I had with my BBFF Manic this afternoon:
Manic: I'm picking my feet.
Me: You always pick your feet.
Manic: Must be a stress thing. Are Paris and K-Fed dating?
Me: I don't think so ... did you see they posted Paris's number online? I called it. Mailbox full.
Manic: No! Seriously, for real?
Manic: OK, I'm calling ... HOLY SHIT, SHE ANSWERED! What do I say? Quick!!! HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT, I am talking to her! I just told her I'm a reporter from OK! (Swishy side note: A reporter from OKLAHOMA? WTF?!?)
Me: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Manic: YES! Asking about K-Fed ...
Me: You are such a liar.
Me: Are you serious?
Manic: Hang on ...
Me: Make sure you say that Swishy gave you the number! HA HA.
Manic: Who's her ex-boyfriend?
Me: Stavros ... Greek guy.
Manic: OK, gonna ask about that. What else?
Me: Brandon Davis. He called Lindsay Lo firecrotch. They're friends, Paris was with him.
Manic: Ohhhhhh ... OK, hang on ... holy shit!!
Me: I am laughing sooooooooo hard.
Manic: Fuck. She figured out I was a fake and just said goodbye.
Me: No way.
Manic: Cuz I started asking her about that TV show and I forgot what it was called. Me: The Simple Life!
Manic: That's RIGHT! Simple Life! Hey, they should do a tv show ...
Manic: .... called
Manic: ... PUNK'D!
Me: I KNEW IT!!!
Manic: No, you did not!!!
Me: I TOTALLY knew it!
Manic: You did NOT! Ha ha ha ha ha ... I'm hilarious.
If you ever wonder if my life is as exciting as it sounds, this is proof positive that yes, yes, it is.