Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Kiddie voyeurs and other random stuff

So, I go to the mall today to exchange a shirt. (My sister got it for me, and it didn't quite fit right, and I've been meaning to go forever to exchange it and ... this isn't relevant, is it?) ANYWAY. I grab a couple different replacements and go into the fitting room to try them on. I peel off my shirt, go to take one of the contenders off the hanger and ... a head appears under the fitting room door. The head of a little boy, say, maybe 4.

The little boy looks up at me in my bra and jeans. And looks. And looks. I grab the shirt and hold it up against my chest. "Um, hi," I say, loud enough for anyone who might be responsible for him to hear.

"You're not my mom's friend," he says.

"No," I say, "no, I am not."

You'd think he would slide his little head back under the door, out of my fitting room and back to his mommy. No. He lies there and looks at me some more.

"OK," I say more loudly, still holding the shirt to my chest, "nice to meet you."

Finally, FINALLY, I hear the kid's mom. "Joey! Is there someone in there? Get out from under there."

Joey disappears. I hear Joey's mom tell her friend how adorable it is that her pervy little child just ogled a strange lady in her bra for five minutes.

Back in the fitting room, I try on the shirt, decide I don't like it, and then take it off. No kidding, the second--the SECOND--I take off the shirt, Joey's little head reappears.

"Hi," he says.

Children can be gifted in many ways. This one, apparently, is gifted with a radar that tells him when boobs are about to be exposed. "HEL-LO," I say, wayyyy loud so Joey's mom can hear. Nothing. Meanwhile, the kid's lying there, grinning like a freaking Cheshire cat.

"You need to get out," I hiss.

He grins.

"I'm serious. Go find your mommy."

He continues to grin.

"GO AWAY!" I'm trying to use my scariest "I'm an adult, respect my authority" tone, but it's sort of hard to do when I'm trying to whisper. Not to mention standing in my bra in front of a 4-year-old. Either way, it's clearly not having much of an effect.

At long last, I hear footsteps: "Joey! What did I tell you?" Then, a giggle: "Sorrrrrrry!"

Yeah, we'll see how sorry you are when your son gets arrested in 15 years for being a peeping Tom.

* In other news, I went to yoga this morning. I hadn't been to a yoga class in, like, I don't know, a year? Two? Maybe two. Anyway, I did a handstand. BY MYSELF! If you're wondering whether you should be impressed, the answer is a resounding YES. I also almost did a split, if almost means I was six inches off the ground. Which is almost as impressive.

* I ran into the store today to get something and I saw a display with THIS:

I haven't had one of these since I was, like, five. I had NO IDEA they still made them. And they were on sale! For 78 cents! So you know I had to buy one. Part of me thinks it's way too disgusting to eat; the other part is like, yummmmmmy! Chocolate pudding encased in a sugary, glazed shell! I wonder which part will win.

Actually, I don't wonder at all. Ha ha. If it makes me puke, I'll let you know.


At 10:47 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Joey Like Swishy Boobies.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

He must have liked what he saw the first time...
Next time try a blood curling screech and burst into tears. Maybe that will get the mom to quit giggling..threaten to sue her for letting him do it again..

O my god! I'm scarred for life! I'll never be able to shop again, and especially not in THIS store!

At 2:51 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

I'm oggling that Pudding Pie like little Joey was oggling you...

At 6:36 PM, Blogger Beth said...

I don't think that will make you puke...me thinks that be supper!!

little perv...he must be a boob man, huh?

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

Maybe the mother was just relieved to see him behave like a normal male after having caught him in her make up and high heels. Still, her behavior gripes me more than his.

Though I have to confess, when my son was about 7 we went to see The Glory of Christmas at the Crystal Cathedral in SoCal. They had these ladies dressed as angels on wires so they were flying overhead. I heard some people snickering and looked over at Taylor. There he was, earnestly trying to look up their dresses. THEY WERE ANGELS, HEAVENLY BEINGS SENT TO DO GOD'S WORK!! Is it just me, or does anyone else find that disturbing??

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said...

That is sooooo funny about the little boy!

"Would Joey's MOM PLEASE come & GET HIM?"


At 9:54 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

When I was in like the 6th or 7th grade, as a part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles promotion, Hostess made green pudding pies with green pudding. It was spectacularly awesome.

In your position, I totally would have kicked Joey's mom's ass. And by "kicked ass," I mean said, "Dude, that's totally not awesome."

At 10:10 AM, Blogger cubmommy said...

Maybe little Joey was breastfed.

I haven't seen a pudding pie in ages. I loved those!

At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Kristabella said...

I would have taken a step closer to him and been all "oh, I'm SORRY, was I standing on your hand?"

OK, not really. But I would have wanted to.

I for one know that the handstand is HARD! I took Yoga for a year and didn't even get close. Props to you.

In exchange for my props, can you share the pudding pie? Yummmmm.....

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Ha ha ha ... you guys are so funny. I'm taking you all shopping with me next time!

At 11:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh - that pudding pie looks damn good, I haven't seen those in forever, either. Can you send some?

And ew - Joey - ew! I'd have yelled at the mother for not keeping a leash on him in a woman's dressing room. Ewwww.

At 12:57 AM, Anonymous Eileen said...

If Joey doesn't watch out he's going to find his head kicked like a soccer ball.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Hey, at least it wasn't Kevin Smith wearing a Batman suit.

At 5:21 PM, Blogger Andie said...

if you ever come to new orleans, you'll have to try a Hubig's pie. They are even better than those puddin pies.

and yeah, what manic said. apparently joey likes swishy boobies. ;)


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