Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Karaoke, Swishy style

So yesterday, I took a little road trip for work. I like to keep myself entertained in the car, especially when I'm the only one IN the car. This often includes talking to other drivers, singing and dancing to random songs such as, say, the Electric Slide, and, on particularly long road trips, pretending I'm on Oprah and she's asking me for my life story. (Look, it sounds weird, but it's very therapeutic and it makes the ride go VERY quickly, I'll have you know. One late night at work, I made the mistake of mentioning that and YEARS LATER, to this day, I still get asked how my conversation with Oprah was when I get back from road trips.)

Anyway. Along with my camera, dental floss and three-year-old mascara, I also happen to carry a tape recorder in my purse. I was driving along, singing to the same old songs, when I got struck with the BEST BRAINSTORM EVER! I was going to sing along into the tape recorder, so that it picked up the music AND my voice, just like real karaoke, and then listen to what I sounded like! Genius!

First up was an Avril Lavigne song, which I belted out with the requisite angst and gusto. I hit rewind, play, and ...

OH.
MY.
GOODNESS.

It was the worst, most awful singing I have ever heard in my entire life. Look, I do not profess to be a good singer. I do not profess to be good at ANYTHING musical, except at appreciating it. But I DO NOT sound THAT bad. I don't! Clearly, CLEARLY, I was not trying as hard as I should have been. Or I picked the wrong song. Don't they say all the time on American Idol that song choice is everything? Why yes, they do. It was just the wrong song.

So, on to the next one: Midnight Train to Georgia. I put my whole heart into it this time. I was soulful. I was sassy. I did the "whoo-hoos" for the train and the "leavin'!" echoes in the background. This was, like, demo-worthy, I was sure of it.

Um ... yeah. Let's just put it this way: After I hit play, I was so completely mortified, BY MYSELF in the car, that I couldn't even get through the first line before throwing the recorder in the back seat and trying my hardest to pretend the whole sordid incident had never happened. I almost tossed it out the window and ran over it at 75 mph just to destroy the evidence, I swear. It was the kind of thing that sends small children screaming into their mother's arms and into years of the most intensive therapy money can buy.

That Cameron Diaz karaoke scene in My Best Friend's Wedding, where it's like, ha-ha, she's so terrible? Not even close.

The other significant moment of the trip: Some college boy walked up to me and asked me to give him a blow job. And they say romance is dead.

12 Comments:

At 7:02 AM, Blogger Beth said...

what?..you didn't take him up on his offer? He just walked up to you and asked for a blow job? Sheesh, even my husband will buy me dinner first! ;)

I love you swish!! I bet your singing wasn't all THAT bad...how can THE Swishy d0 anything bad?

I remember when I was in school(not so long ago) and I would be bored in study hall...so I would write up some big question and answer thing like they did in Tiger Beat or Teen Beat(the US and Star of the "good old days") and then I would answer the questions like I was a movie star or something.....sad...no wonder I had no friends! ;)

 
At 7:40 AM, Blogger Jenster said...

What a way to start my day! LOL

Your singing story made me giggle. I bet you sound really good in the shower though, don't you? Yeah, so do I.

And since you were brave enough to confess I will, too. I do the Oprah thing while I'm cleaning house or doing laundry. "Yes, Oprah. I was sorting laundry when I struck with the brilliant idea of _____," (you fill in the blank.)

But when I read the last part - about the college boy and the blow job I did the whole barking laughter thing. HEEEEEELARIOUS!!!

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Karen said...

That's a great story! Thanks for sharing. I have this suspicious that I would have exactly the same thing happen to me. I like to think that I'm a halfway decent singer. I'm probably not. I think that I will NOT record myself after reading about your experience.

Hi from Brewtown!

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger flea said...

girl you so crazy!!! haahaha i would've done the same thing, except i probably would've played it for someone and that would've just been like way wrong

 
At 11:40 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

The sad part is that with that kind of cockiness, later that night, someone probably gave it to him.

He should know, however, that here's how it's done. While you're distracted watching something else, I'll tiptoe up behind you and softly whisper in your ear those 4 magic words. "You're with me, leather." :)

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

You should have told him putting small things in your mouth presents a choking hazzard.

I also sing like cats in heat. Never tape is my motto. I sound great in my head. I like to leave it that way.

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Was he hot?@!?!?!? Did you go for it!?!?!!? I might have. And, not to brag or anything, but I know I would have blown him away. Compare the experience of a 19 year old college girl who's never sucked anything more than a lollipop to Manic Mom, and well...

never mind.

I'll just go back to writing my sex scene now.

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Sing it girl..and that is why I never record myself even though I thought of it before...

Yesterday a guy I know came up to me and said give me... (insert a hug) and instead of hug he said "some pussy', I was trapped in his arms..

Just another bit of truth that romance isn't dead. *snarky smirk*

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Golightly said...

Nooooooooo, He didn't - what the heck? talk about wooing someone.

I bet I am way worse in the singing department.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Where to start?!? Ha ha ha. Beth, I love that you did that!! That is so funny and cute. EILEEN! Why are you not with me at times like that?!? Soooo perfect.

Magic words, Senor B. Magic words! :)

And Manic!!! Oh, Manic. I can't wait to see what's in this email you just sent me.

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

All recordings start out that way (at least that's what I tell myself). The only way anyone sounds good on tape is through genius levels of post-production. Just think of it, Swish...you and your tape are just a few hours of technology away from the Midnight Train to super stardom.

(And someday when you're famous, that kid will brag - "I asked her to give me a blow job once!"

 
At 5:23 PM, Blogger Andie said...

oh my god. the final line of that entry made me spit water all over myself.

oh, and I took a 4 hour roadtrip this weekend, well, actually, 8 hours if you count each way combined, and I went through two audio books I got from the library. Audio books are now my friend on my daily commute into work! and they're free! at the library.

 

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